Masticatng with Leprechauns

Have you ever read something and thought, “What the heck was the point of that?”

I have. Many times. Usually it’s something that I wrote myself. I write down every thought that comes to my head and when I look back and check on it, I have a confusion seizure. I fall on the floor and I’m like, “arglbargle.” Then I get up and do it again exactly 7.3 more times. Once I’m done with that, I usually go eat a sandwich. But not bologna or salami, because those suck. Once the sandwich has been fully consumed, I eat another. Mastication is an important part of my day.

So anyway, I was talking to this guy. For the sake of keeping his identity a secret, we’ll just call him “Mike Larson.” So this “Mike Larson” guy was just plain weird. The first thing I noticed was his beard. It makes him look like a leprechaun. “Mike Larson”, if you are reading this(and you KNOW who you are “Mike Larson”) please shave it off. You’re scaring the children.

Next up, in the course of my normal day, nothing normal really happened. I woke up and found myself in the unicorn forest, which is full of unicorns. Don’t ask me how they came up with the name. So anyway, as I was trying to find my way out, I ran into the ultimate leader of the unicorns, Da Turdy-Point Polycorn. I was like, “Whoa.” And he was like, “…” What do you expect? He’s an animal, he can’t talk. So I was like, “Can I get a ride?” and he was like, “Sure.” I hopped on his back and we ran into the sunset. I tried to yell out and warn the sunset we were about to run into it, but it didn’t hear me in time. Nobody survived the impact.

Except for me, Da Turdy-Point Polycorn, and the sun. We were all ok. But then the sun and Da Turdy-Point Polycorn got into a fight. The sun tried to take a swing at Da Turdy-Point Polycorn, but Da Turdy-Point Polycorn countered by shooting one of his Turdy horns at the sun. I was like, “OMG, now you are Da Twenty-Nine-Point Polycorn. U SUK.” And he was like, “:(” and the sun was like, “…” because he was dead. And the earth plunged into complete darkness, until a new sun was born 3000 years earlier.


INTERMISSION


Part 3 (It's so good, we skipped 2)

So, finally, the sun that was born 3000 years ago arrived. “Sorry I’m late,” the new sun said, “I had stop for directions in the 12th century!” Ba-dum-pssh. Right at that exact moment, nothing happened. But a few minutes later, nothing continued to happen. In the distance, a cow mooed. A jazz rendition of “My Humps” could be heard from the house across the street.

“Here I go! Dooooown the slope!” yelled a familiar voice. It was Cosbyman! He ran to the house across the street and began attacking it with a barrage of Jello pudding pops. “You kids and your rap music! You don’t know what the jazz………is all about!” The Jello pudding pops did the trick. The house was engulfed in flames.

“We gotta save the people inside!” yelled Da Twenty-Nine-Point Polycorn. He tried to run inside the house, but the door was locked. He ripped off one of his horns and busted a window with it. Cosbyman saw the opening and jumped inside and saved the family of turtles living inside.

When the sun saw the turtles, he freaked out and ran away. We probably never saw him again. Suddenly, a kid wearing an ugly red hat ran up and said, “I can help! Go! SQUIRTLE!” Random Ugly Red Hat Kid sent out SQUIRTLE! SQUIRTLE used Water Gun! It’s super effective! The flaming house fainted! SQUIRTLE gained 1337 exp! SQUIRTLE leveled up! What? SQUIRTLE is evolving! SQUIRTLE evolved into SOMETHING WITH AN EVEN STUPIDER NAME! I love exclamation points!

“Ooooh. Ooooh. I know what you like to play,” said Cosbyman, “POKEYMAN!? Pokeyman with the pokey and th…” Cosbyman died of a heart attack before he could finishe. For the rest of our lives, all we could do was sit and wonder, “What was Cosbyman trying to tell us?” We were sure it was important, so we set our top scientists to work on it.

It was time. Time for us to start our great adventure. To solve the mystery of the Pokeyman. Random Ugly Red Hat Kid. Da Twenty-Eight-Point Polycorn. And me. We were the only ones left who could save the world.

Except the Justice League. I think they were still around too.




INTERMISSION