My Journey

Prologue

I sit upon the seat in which I now type away at. I have no other way to tell this, I could write a poem, but there wouldn't be enough lines I could fill my emotion that I feel. I can't paint, because it would never be able to show every emotion that I feel like this will. Just because I love to write doesn't mean I can draw, paint and things such as that. My journey, like I'm sure many have, has been eventful. Its not yet complete, but I feel I have lived through a lifetime in what I feel is a short amount of time. It feels like yesterday I was young, vibrant, and aching for love. I was just wanting something I could never have, I guess that’s how a lot of people are, wanting things they will never have, but will always long for. But now I've grown up, and I've spent my life, wanting to write something truly great, and I believe I've finally begun doing it. Me, typing this journey, that has been the past years that I have lived my life. I ask you to live through this with me, share my journey through my pages, and possibly learn something. That is what I'm most scared of, that my life won't have meaning to someone. And I hope beyond hope that someone will read this and care, because that is what I’ve always wanted through my life. For someone to care.
I suppose you could say my life has been a somewhat of a sad story, that doesn‘t seem to quit, and it has been hard growing up without knowing my father. But I’m very happy that I have had a loving mother that truly cared for what I had to say, and truly loved me, and taught me to voice myself instead of sitting back, and being quiet as a mouse.

Chapter 1

I was born on a rainy, dreary day in a small town, which won't be named, in Alabama. My mother was single, she never told me who, where or what my father was(but obviously he was a white male!). My mother had a job, being single was hard on her I know. I felt, although she would never say this, that I was the reason she was single. I was to blame for her having to work so hard to keep us in what we needed. That I was to blame for her struggles in everything. That I was a huge mistake. She never said that, and never would. She was far too good of a person to ever say anything like that.
By the time I was five, I was in first grade at a nice small school in town. That was when I had my first real friend. Her name was Annie. She sat next to me, with a funny grin on her face. It made me smile, I don't know why, but her grin just had this funny quality to it. The shape and the way it was made, made me smile. Annie looked over at me. "Hi," she said. "Hi," I said shyly back. It was free time and we were allowed to talk so we conversed about things children talk about. Toys, things we like and things that we, as kids, desperately wanted. We often, during those years, would get in trouble by our teacher. A woman I will call Mrs. Harris. She was an older lady, nice however. She caught me and Annie talking so much, that she moved at two different ends of the room. I was very upset about it at the time, but now I understand. She was somewhat impatient woman who was doing her time, so she could retire and get a pension, and trying to do her job. Although when we are five years of age we don't know better. I really didn't like being separated from Annie, when recess was in session however, and then there would be lunch, you couldn't separate us. We were attached at the hip. We talked in our senseless jabber, that no one but us would understand.
I was walking from the bus stop one day, to find that my mother wasn't home. She was always home from work. Always. That’s when I found her note. Went to store, will be back soon! Love Mom. That sent a shiver of relief through me. I was afraid my mother had left me to the wolves, and that I would never see her again. I remember when I was a kid in daycare, my mom would work very late. And I would cry, and get these terrible headaches that Mother told me 'was the most painful thing she ever saw'. I don't remember what it felt like but I do remember having them, and I believe it was because I was separated from my mother for a long period of time.
I got older, and Annie and I became closer, and closer. We finally reached eight grade, I was thirteen by that point, and was very angst-filled. I had this anger toward my father for never showing his face, despite never knowing who he was. I was angry toward my mother because she refused to tell me even the slightest hint of who he was despite all she did for our little family.
We had moved a lot, at least in the town we lived in. We settled in a income based place that was often called 'The Projects'. I don't know where it got its nickname, but I know I sure felt like a lab rat.

Annie were together, through good and bad. We were like a married couple, except we weren’t lesbians, and she secretly wasn’t a man, so we were best friends I suppose, but we were then that. I can’t explain it, it’s a very powerful connection I had with Annie, she was someone I could always trust, and count on. No matter of the circumstances and all the other nonsense. We went through first, second, third, fourth, and fifth grade with no real problems, besides if one of us didn’t get our homework done that night, and we’d get caught cheating off of one another. Of course we’d get an F on our papers and get a detention, but no big deal really. We didn’t have that hard of life growing up, it was a simple life that I long for now, but know I can never have, because my childhood is long gone, it was gone a long time ago.

Finally, when were in early middle school is when we had our first wake-up call. We didn’t have nearly as many classes together! Talk about a shock to the system. We didn’t even have the same lunch period or anything of the sort. I wanted to cry the first day, but I held myself together somehow, I don’t even know why I wanted to cry. I knew I was going to see her after school, it was a daily ritual to do that sort of thing to together. To talk and do our homework and that sort of thing. But I always got to see her during school hours too! I hated it, I hated this school that separated you from your friends. I was very shy, and it was hard for me to make a lot of friends, but I made them with people like me. People who were the outsiders. Often called the ’freaks’ of the school. I really hate that word, but I guess I just have to go with it. Tabby Smith, a girl in my first hour (a ’freak’), is who I got to know first. She wasn’t exactly pretty, but she wasn’t ugly by any means. “Whats your name,” she asked nervously. “Sarah, what is yours?” I asked her. “Tabby…Taa..bby Smith” she stuttered. I could tell she had problems talking after holding a conversation with her. Kids made fun of the stutter she made, and I would yell right back. There was this one kid, who resembled a rhinoceros, who started name-calling her, right to her face! Humiliating poor Tabby, I’ve never seen anybody go such a deep shade of red in my life. So I stopped and yelled right in the middle of the hall “Go back to the fucking zoo, you rhino from hell!” It was loud, and it was pretty scary. You know those bands where they scream a lot? That is exactly what it sounded like, and everyone turned open-mouthed, completely shocked at what I’d said. I was seen as some what of a
‘Tabby’ myself. Shy, quiet and never caused trouble. There wasn’t any teachers around, just a red-faced rhino that slowly walked the hall of shame. He just got verbally beaten by a girl, and it felt good for me.

Seventh grade, was quite a tumultuous year, that I hated a still hate to this very day.

We were in late middle school now(eight grade), Annie and I. Being the angst-filled thirteen year old I was, I was quite the rebel. Mom was always worried that I would attract ' the wrong kind of people', but I didn't care, I wanted to attract those people. Those are the people that I liked. Those are the people, that are what I would consider 'my soul mates' I suppose. Others might call them 'freaks'. I call them friends.
I was ripe for falling in love. Secretly, I wanted some guy, some nice guy that wouldn't leave my side, that would always be there for me and I would be there for him and we would love each other unselfishly. I know, that’s kind of unrealistic at thirteen, but I did, I truly did.
Annie and I were at her house doing homework, and studying for an upcoming Math test. "Annie, have you given much thought to having a boyfriend?" I asked her, chewing on the eraser of my pencil. I wondered what she thought, I wondered if I was the only die-hard romantic of my little crowd of friends, or at least I thought I was . I knew Annie would be the best person to ask first. "Yes, I'm pretty sure all kids our age have, why do you ask," she replied looking up from her Math book, and staring at me. "Because, I know this is going to sound corny, but I want to be in love with someone so badly it hurts! It positively bleeds!" I said in dramatic fashion which caused Annie to start laughing. "You’re so dramatic," she said between laughs, “Its a riot, I'm sorry, I can't help but laugh Sarah, but you positively crack me up, anyway, what were you saying?" I shook my head, "Never mind," I replied, trying to hide the hurt. I'm sure now if I saw the way I acted, I would be laughing right along with Annie. But right then I was mad at her, it was silent for a good half-hour. I think she could sense that I was mad, because soon after she apologized. "Its alright Annie, I was being dramatic, but I am serious, I do want a boyfriend," I said, “I see everybody else holding tight to guys they love, and care for, and I’m thinking when is my turn?” Annie sat up and replied, “You aren’t the only one without a boyfriend you know, I don’t have one either, I personally don’t one now, my mom says, who needs one right now, you have the rest of your life ahead of you, you should concentrate on your grades right now.” “Annie,” I said back, “Do you honestly believe your mother truly ever wants you to have a boyfriend of some kind? Or your father for that matter? I think they both would go nuts if they saw you with another guy!” Annie shook her head, “Whatever Sarah, there’s no use talking to your stubborn ass.” I shook my head back at her, nobody listens, I thought to myself silently. I couldn’t believe Annie’s reaction. You’d think she’d be a little more sensitive to this situation. I guess we all have different opinions on that certain topic, I wish we didn’t though.
I went through school. Lonely, sad, but dragging myself through it somehow. I managed to get passing grades, but mom wasn't pleased. "You MUST get those grades up Sarah, don't you want something better then living with me the rest of your life?" She would say, when seeing my low grades. They weren't that bad, why must she always threaten me like that? I hate it when she does that, it positively annoys me to no end. We don't lead a horrible life, I don't think we do anyway. I guess she just didn’t want me ending up like her, alone, sad and miserable. She didn’t have any men knocking down her door, and I guess that was my fault, if I wasn’t here I’m sure she’d be a social butterfly, and fly and fly and fly. But of course, to put it bluntly, she got knocked up. And now she is having to hold down a job she hated, and try to bring in some sort of income that I knew was close to nothing, but at least there was some money coming in anyway. There were someone people who literally lived on the streets, who were we to complain?
I went to my little room and saw my shelf of books, I picked one of the shelf and began reading when the phone rang. I ran up and picked the phone off the hook. “Hello,” I said breathlessly, I had ran downstairs and to the phone in record time. “Sarah, its Annie, ummm….you’ve gotta come over…this is pretty important….please come over when you can,” Annie said, she sounded like she was saying it through tears, I didn’t know what was going on just yet, I beginning to panic. What the hell could be going on? What is she going to tell me? Did someone die? “What is it Annie? What happened,” I said after a long pause, and after what felt like an hour of complete silence. “…Just come over…” she said quietly, and there was a long click and she hung up. I slowly hung the phone up as well. I put my coat on, it was autumn after all, and left a note on the kitchen table like I always did when going over to Annie’s house. Did she get herself in to some kind of trouble? What did she do now? Jesus, I hate it when she does this!
I was shivering. The coat didn’t help in this weather, I really needed a heavier coat besides this one, leaves were coming off the trees and hitting me in the face. God, how I hated the approaching winter season. I truly hated the depressing season, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I did!
I remember one season, when school was off for a week, what should have been heaven was complete hell. It was freezing inside the house, because the heat went out. I thought I was going to begin forming icicles out of my nostrils. I remember I would sit there shivering, wrapped in blankets, and being able to see my breath. I never did sleep that easy during those kinds of nights. It was horrible.
I finally made it to Annie after being slapped a few more times by the leafs coming down steadily now, I came into her house shivering like someone who just came from outside in Antarctica.
“What is it Annie?” I said, still shaking, so I may have come off a little pissed but I really didn’t care at that point. Nothing can be that important, where I had to come all the way down here in the cold, and almost freeze to death. Ok, I admit, I may be a little over dramatic about this, but still, I was cold and I wasn’t happy about it. But when these words popped out of her mouth, I forgot all about it. Two simple words. “I’m moving,” she said. I about dropped dead. Right there. Right there I about screamed. Right there I wanted to run. She was my best friend! She couldn’t move! She couldn’t leave me here alone! No this wasn’t happening. I sunk, I closed my eyes, but my eyes wanted to bulge out and I wanted to scream, and I wanted to cry but I couldn’t do it. I was silent.
Annie was looking for a reaction on her sad, miserable looking face. That smile, that I noticed about her the first time I met her, wasn’t there. It appeared to have vanished and left her face, never to return. I managed to say, in a choked strangled kind of way, “ How long?” I could barely even get that out. “About a month,” she said lowly. I could tell she was very upset, but she had, had time to let it sink in. I wish she could have just told me over the phone, because I’m probably making a complete fool out of myself now. I couldn’t believe this was happening. My best friend was leaving me.

We stood there for a couple minutes, silent, but searching for something. To see if maybe this was all a stunt that the other pulled. But it wasn’t. It was something that we were going to have to live with, the future will soon come, and take Annie away, and I will be more alone then I ever was. Poor Annie, I thought to myself, how is going to be able to start all over? She’s thirteen as am I! I know I wouldn’t be able to start off at a new junior high. It would be hell to try to make new friends, at least for me I know it would. I hugged Annie. “Are you gonna be alright with this?” I asked quietly. “No,” she said, trying to cut off a sob in her throat. “It’s alright, if you wanna cry, cry,” I told her. That is when she really let her feelings go. I could hear her crying, her warm tears running down her bright red cheeks. How can parents do this? How is it right? Don’t they realize what they’re doing to their families, they’re children, by doing this? I’m surprised poor Annie didn’t do something drastic, like runaway. Then again, I probably would, I wouldn’t be able to take a new town. I just hope Annie could. She cut off our hug and looked at me, pure sadness still staining her usually happy eyes. “Do you know where your moving?” I asked, staring straight into her bright green eyes, that right now looked like a deer in headlights. “No, but I know its going to be a new town, my parents said so. I don‘t see how I‘m going to be able to make it in a new town! My friends are here, Its secure here, everyone and everything is here, this is my HOME!” she said dramatically as I acted. It wasn’t fair, and she has every right to think so. I had this urge to just smack her parents, why would you take your daughter away from the place and people she loved. I know it seems like I’m acting dramatic and like a baby, but it really was kind of traumatic when it happened.

And we cried, both of us that day. It was a day I knew that would be very defining for me. I had Tabby and all the other kids as well as Annie. But I’d known Annie all of my life! How was I going to make it without Annie. Annie was my best friend and the only person I could share everything with. This just isn’t fair, I hated her parents. Hated them more than I hated anyone else. How can people expect to just pack up and move, and expect them, at thirteen to be able to change around their whole life, just because they have decided to move. That really bugged me. It bugged me for a long time, when I finally left that little house, I walked home, and it was colder than before. But I didn’t care at that point. I wanted to be home, safe in my room. I know I’d moved a lot but never to a different town where I’d never see my friends again. I just moved a little ways from where I lived before. I walked up stairs, tears staining my face still. I tried to wipe them away as I saw Mother coming. Too late.

“What’s the matter honey?” She asked me. I looked up at her, with that miserable face I often give, when I’m upset. “Annie’s moving,” I said. She looked at me like I was crazy. “But Sarah we’ve moved everywhere why are you….” She didn’t get to finish her sentence. I answered for her, “She’s moving to a new town mother! Not like us, we would just move across the street, she’s going God knows where!” I looked up at her, anger mixed with sadness. She looked at me, like I’d just slapped her right across the face, like I’d killed her favorite cat right in front of her. But I didn’t care. Let her punish me, let her do something to make me hurt. She couldn’t do any worse, then what had just happened. I think she guess that I was in extreme pain already. I think she realized this, and just walked past me without a word. I was a little surprised, but too upset to really say much of anything. I just walked up the stairs, and to my room and laid on my bed. I must of fell asleep when I laid on my bed, because next thing I knew it was morning. It was very early, almost five. I got up, and got some clothes for school. But then realized that mom must have been in the shower, because I could hear the shower going, the water was running steady. So I just put my clothes on my floor next to my closet and flopped onto my bed. It was going to take me awhile to adjust to Annie’s leaving. But in the meantime, I was going make the best of our time, and try to spend time with her as much as possible.