My heart pours out

first of all i sit here typing thinking that this will be over soon but i know it will never end. my heart pours out of all the things that stay with me so deeply and truly i think that somewhere inside of me there is a passion that i have never felt before. all of these things and more are all inside of me taking over my life. I watch him like i can't even move, he is always there just sitting there like a lonly rose just waiting to blossem. People think that i am just some stupid EMO person but actually i am more than that. so yeah maby i am EMO but that does not mean i am dirffrent.

Today is a very kinda happy kind of not day the world will be restless as i will finally revel to myself that i am a kind and gentle person. people will say that most everyone will be made fun of but i knows that it is not true. i sits and stares in the light of my darken shadow that lies in my most famous heart. as i think about this afternoon and going into the night i will say that people will see the real me go and end up as always in a most sacriest experince of my life. people will know the pain that lies in my restless heart forever. for when i revel to him what i have told myself over and over again. as yesterday came and gone i have heard he sat alone at lunch and has been walking alone also to many times have i seen this before, in my nightmares in my dreams. all of these things lead up to a nightmare of happings that i have faced i do not want to face them agian so i warn him in my heart not to do anything that might lead to these happings. people may also think that i am nothing but a pigment of thier imagination, sometimes i think that is all i am. my life would never be the same if is was not for him, he is the only one that can release me from my nightmare, the only one who can take away the pain, the only one who could ever make my life worth living for, the only whoever knows that my joy is in the deepiest part of me the part not ment to be shown but only to him once he relises this which i am sure he will not it will be a very happy day. but untill then i remain forever the pigment of his imaginaton, the lost lonley and sad pigment. as sit here typing this part of this true story i begin to wonder why i am living here in this life. all of the things i dread to face are coming soon and as i look inside myself i know why i am here today. so many things can come out of this life i just have to find then with in myself.

just as i thought this had ended it came back like a bullet through myself. all of these thaughts just seem to settle with my soul, many things that i have come to known is all just a lie that is taking away my life into a place that i have never known. many things i have come to known in my life some happy some sad. but who am i to say where this life will lead me to, i don't. maybe in a life far from now i will see that this is just one little thing that should just pass by. well maybe it is not that easy to let this all go at once maybe there is anouther way to end this nightmare that i live. something inside is saying that i need to break away from this and move on. but there is one thing that keeps this from happing and that is more than he is worth. to what extent do i have to keep living a lie knowing that he is not who they say he is. i do not even think that his friends even know him like i do i have seen a driffrent side of him and i would never say anything bad about him like his friends do. ok so here i am with an open mind to new things and what do i hear thoes words i dread to hear are now going to haunt me. the words that say some weird girl likes me. how dreadfull how could he say that about me, i am not weird in any way ok well maybe a little at times but not that much. so after this on a dreadful sunday afternoon i was on youtube just looking at videos and i was watching the music video for i don't love you( by they way is a very good video) it made me think of how much i was hurt and the fact that this video goes along with my personallty very well. all today i was sitting thinking to myself that how could i one lonely kid as it is and what kind of person does it make me to know that i was the one to stand by myself. i guess it is worth the time that i spent pondering over the fact that i will never ever want to see the world agian. but what can i do to make me feel good about myself agian with the fact that i do not even know that there is anouther way to help myself get through this time even if it means hurting someone else in way that i cannot even explain. there is a way to do this even if it means making myself feel horrible for all the things that i did not do even if feel as though i did do these things that everyone says i did.