Shopping for Fun

“Do anything interesting with your day off yesterday?"

“Oh god, yes. You'd never believe what I got up to yesterday!”

“What?”

“I bought something from a sex shop.”

“You didn’t!”

“I did.”

“Tell me more.”

“Well, Sean and I went through to Edinburgh to have a wander around the Museum of Scotland. You know, it’s a beautiful building and if you go into the Scotland side, you can get into the main bit for nothing.”

“Riveting. Tell me about the sex shop.”

“Right, after we had been to the museum we went to a tapas bar. Have you had tapas? It was lovely. We had lots of little bits and pieces. Fish, potatoes, meat and vegetables all done differently. Some in batter…”

“Come on.”

“Ah, but the tapas bar is part of the story. You see, the bar had a deal on. A kind of starter pack thingy. If you got two of the meals that were a bit of everything, they cost a fiver and then you could get a bottle of wine for a fiver as well. Obviously, we went for that as we would have probably spent a fiver on drinks anyway.”

“Okay, so you got a bargain. What has that to do with the sex shop?”

“Think about it. Sean was driving, wasn’t he? So I had the majority of the wine to myself which, by the way, was lovely.”

“You got drunk?”

“Well, I was very uninhibited shall we say.”

“So you decided to go to a sex shop?”

“No, I decided I wanted a cigarette.”

“But you don’t smoke in front of Sean.”

“I know but I was that past caring. I just had to have one. I just came right out and said it. Unfortunately I didn’t have any on me so I needed to find a shop to buy them in.”

“So they sell them in sex shops now, do they?”

“No silly, but the newsagents wasn’t far from a little shop called Feathers and Fur. Sean said that he would buy me cigarettes if I went into the sex shop and bought something. I tell you, it was at that point I knew how a junkie feels when he wants a fix. I would have done anything for a draw of a fag. Anyway, you’ll never guess what happened next.
We were standing on the corner, just along from the sex shop in front of a restaurant. Sean gets out his wallet and gave me forty quid! I couldn’t believe it. Well, I knew what he wanted me to buy, didn’t I?”

“Forty quid! Jeezo, I don’t even get that amount for my birthday. What on earth did you buy?”

“Wait a minute, don’t rush me. So I walks along to the shop, still under the influence of three quarters of a bottle of red wine, mind. Upstairs it’s all nurses’ outfits and feather boas, cos the real x-rated stuff is downstairs behind this black, dingy door. So, I opens the door and it was like walking down the darkest, seediest set of steps, ever. There were loads of Fringe posters on the walls. I reckon they must have been there since the very first Festival. They were all discoloured and peeling. So I gets down the stairs and there is a big solid door at the bottom which was locked when I tried it. Whew, I thinks to myself, what a lucky escape and then there was a buzz, the door clicked and I looked up and there was a camera pointing at me. Filming my every move!”

“God, did you not just bolt there and then?”

“No, well I thought I needed to go through with it so I could get a cigarette. So I opens the door and walks in and what kind of person do you think I see sat behind the counter?”

“Oh, some old fat guy, sitting in a stained, vest, knitting.”

“Haha, close but no cigar. I couldn’t believe it, only this young, drop dead, gorgeous guy with a pierced eyebrow and the most beautiful green eyes you have ever seen.”

“Oh no, what did you say?”

“Nothing, I think I just went red. I started trying to look all casual and just looking around the shop but everywhere I looked there were huge vibrators. Do you know how many different ones there are? It’s not like you can go in and grab anyone you know, you really have to study them.”

“Oh, you didn’t”

“Well, what a choice there was. I couldn’t believe it there was every size and shape imaginable? There was ones with batteries, ones without, ones with knobbly bits, smooth ones, bright pink ones, ones shaped like rabbits and there was even a gold one like a lipstick for you handbag. One was so big that I’m sure it was for an elephant to use. Do you know you can also get one that attaches to the end of your shower? That would certainly reach the parts that other showers just can’t reach. There was also this big, huge, gigantic hand. I can only imagine... it came with batteries as well.”

“So what one did you buy?”

“Hang on. Well, then the good-looking guy asked if he could help me. He was only Australian, wasn’t he? I suddenly developed a stammer and sort of said ‘Yyyyou don’t have to ask for sttttuff do you?’ He says ‘What kinda stuff you after?’ Well I decided there and then that there was no way I could ask this hunk to recommend a vibrator so I said, trying to be cool, ‘I’m looking for something that goes over the end.’ But I didn’t know what else to say so I looks down and my hands are making little motions, you know with the first finger and thumb touching at the ends and my forefinger from the other hand poking through the gap! I was mortified. Then the Ozzie bloke says, ‘Oh, you want a cock ring?’ I tell you that wine must have had something ‘cos in a posh voice I said ‘Yeah, one with clitoral stimulation.”

“You didn’t”

“I did, I don’t know what was possessing me but I did. So he starts picking them up from shelves behind the counter and he has a selection of about four. One was so covered in dust I reckoned that must have really been a bad sign. Another one was like a crocodile with its mouth open and it just looked painful. The third one was like a rubber sheath without an end that was supposed to keep the blood pumped up…”

“You didn’t ask questions did you?”

“Of course I did. By this time I was feeling quite brave, what with the wine and all. So anyway I chose the fourth one, which was a kinda cross between them all, the Australian bloke said it was the most popular model anyway. So whilst he’s wrapping up my purchase I start having a flick through some magazines.”

“You didn’t.”

“Well I would have if they hadn’t all been sealed shut. Hunky says ‘I’ll just let you browse if you want.’ No, no, that’s all I want I says. So he starts ringing it up on the till and I’m feeling really daring now so I said, ‘So what makes a guy like you work in a place like this?”

“You didn’t?”

“Yeah I did and he said, ‘Well, I came over from Oz wanting to do something with either music or sex but there was nothing happening on the music front so then I spotted this shop, I just pestered the owner until he gave me a job. I really quite like it.’ Well, I suppose you must meet really interesting people, I says and just then I heard the buzzer going again and this weirdo in a long coat walks in. I’m not joking, he must have come right off his scooter cos he had one of those stupid helmets that don’t have a visor. You know the ones; looks like someone cut a football in half. Well, he came in all dead brazen with a video in his hand. Fairly stopped in his tracks when he sees me, I can tell you. Anyway, I just grabbed my bag, made my excuses and left.”

“I don’t believe you done that, I would never have had the guts to do that.”

“I’m not finished. So I gets outside the shop, blinking in the sunlight, god, I felt like I had just got out of jail. Do you think I could find Sean? Couldn’t find him anywhere. So I starts wandering up the street and there he is trying to blend into the brickwork. ‘What’s wrong with you,’ I says and he points out to me that when he got his wallet out, he has done it in front of a whole restaurant full of people, that, then saw me walking into a sex shop! They must have thought he had just picked me up and wanted something a bit kinky! ”

“Oh god, How embarrassing. So what was your new toy like?”

“Not half as good as the cigarette, I can tell you!”