"See no future, pay no rent."

My Dad called me the other day on a satellite phone from the Himalayas. Now that I've graduated college, he wanted to know what I am going to do. What am I going to do? That's easy. I'll start by penning a 900 page Dostoevskyesque think piece...all in invisible ink. I'll sucessfully channel the ghost of Liberace whilst riffing on "Revolutionary Etude" at Radio City. Then I'm going to paint a boring modern art masterpiece that would make Picasso look like Thomas Kincaid. I'll annonymously sell it on E-bay for a record amount, and then blow the money in a serious, neigh deadly, gambling binge in the dirty back streets of Cleveland. I'll climb Mount McKinley (Everst is overrated) from the comfort of my highly munavuerable, custom built helicopter. I'll take a hunting trip with Dick Cheney...presumably to rural Alabama, where we will shoot roadsigns,beer cans, and cardboard cutouts of Osama Bin Laden and Steve Bartman with marksman accuracy. Feeling somewhat accomplished, I'll need to move back into my parents country villa so I can save some cash-I'll need plenty of capital to stage a corporate cutthorat take over of the hot air ballon industry. Oh, the press will have a field day with that one. "Business man expands Hot Air Ballon Biz," "Hot Air Ballon Mongrul travels around the world", "Hot Air Ballon co. heating up!", etc. Borrrring! After running the hot air ballon industry for a while, I'll move to Philantrophy. I'll start a Karate dojo, exclusively for dogs. I'll partner into a fishing venture, and give fish to the homeless. It may only feed them for a day, but hey, thats one day they're not hungry. I'll organize a group that distributes bargain priced crutches to people from all walks of life. By this point, it will probably be time for early playboy retirement. I'll start by sailing first the Mediterranean, then the Coral Sea in my three masted bermuda sloop, The Revenge of Queen Annes Revenge. After being shipwrecked on a remote Pacific Island, I'll eventually regain my memory, and abdicate my leadership of the tribe of firece cannibals. I'll buy Anastasias rubies in Moscow, and Purcahse a Pyramid in Egypt. Sunrise over Mt.Killamanjaro will never look this beautiful, and gondoling in Venice will never be so fun. The Amazon will be a good swim, and fresh Aregntine coffee will fill my mouth with delicouisness. I'll always summer in Reykjavík, with friends from Hamburg, Dublin, Amsterdam, and Texas. I'll open a small art gallery called Me montrer le Monet! in a picturesque french village. Heading back west, it'll be time for a rigorus social schedule: breakfast with Bill Murrary, Luncheons with Ralph Nader, Dinner with Asashoryu Akinori, Visiting misstress A on Tues & Thurs., visiting Mistress B on Mon & Weds, socializing at parties hosted by Barbra Walters, nights on the town with Steve Martin, and late night/wee morning escapades invovling a perpetually drunk Jimmy Buffet & several New York state troopers. Exhausted financially and physically, it'll be time for the real retirement. I'll initate a series of preplanned time sensitive protocols that will liquidate my assets in 2 hours. At which time, it will be necessary to successfully fake my own death. Using some smoke and mirrors, my "untimely demise" will be at the hands of a hungry hungry pet Hippo. After attending my own funeral in disguise, I'll slip away to some private property in Maine (purchased under an assumed identity), where I will tend a rustic light house and roadside lobster stand untill my final days. Upon my death, my attorney will release my memoir, You only live once: How I died twice..and will live again. My body will be cyrogenically frozen per my instructions. I'll be shelved in the futuristic frosty freezer next to Walt Disney and Mickey Mantle. If my prior letter campaign was at all successful, I'll eventually be joined by Fiona Apple and Kyobe Bryant, and Dr.Phil will be placed in another, more far removed cyrogenic freezing facility...And then, around the year 2800, I'll be re-animated, to start the rest of my life...at least, that's the plan for now. I don't know. I could always join the Peace Corps, or maybe go to Grad school.