Letter part 1

I remember him loving me.  I feel almost pathetic telling you why I gave him the most of me and why never again I will give that part of me.  But you deserve the truth, more than anyone else I believe.  More than my friends, my family because you are the person whose heart I have to break. 
When I first met him I thought I’d hate him.  He was rude and unsympathetic, reeling insults left and right.  I do not deny that on our second acquaintance that we saw more than our flaws.  I saw those charming hazel eyes and that smile, what he saw in me I suppose was my lightheaded wit and laughter.  As most young people do, we exchanged numbers.  He did not hesitate to call.  I remember the first conversation, it was about…nothing.  We talked for hours and hours, about nonsense.  I was utterly seduced by the end of that night.  I was charmed, completely happy and part of me felt whole.  For once I felt content.  As a girl I did not listen to my friends who told me of his reckless and careless ways with women.  I was not to be one of them.  I was to be different. 
I tell you this not to make you jealous or angry, but to let you know that ultimately I was no different.  I was used for ultimate pleasure and gain.  I could’ve said no, I could’ve listened, but when you’re so happy, when you’re so caught up in this grand moment or set upon this pedestal no one can bring you down.  No one can talk sense; even that logical part of your brain fails to function properly.  Logic only works in the matter of the heart when you’ve been knocked off your throne, but at that moment I was sitting merrily upon that throne not thinking of tomorrow or even of the ultimate consequences. 
Now we talked and talked, sometimes we’d talk of “our” future sometimes we’d talk about his day.  I do not doubt that in the beginning he did in fact believe he could have a relationship with me.  But he just like you, believed in the idea of me.           Not who I was.  You and he both thought that because I couldn’t think of my worst fear it meant I was a positive person.  You both thought that because I never say anything bad or hurtful about people I must think the world of people.  You both refused to listen to me.  You didn’t want to hear if I had flaws or opinions, unless they were that of your own.  So you see why I could never give to you what I gave to him…You both are alike in so many ways.  You say you could never do what he did to me, but the truth is…you cannot imagine doing it, but never is an awful long time and that promise is made to fill someone up with hope.  I am afraid; I have no more hope in my being.
Continuing with this story as you imagine is difficult, but as I said earlier you deserve the truth.  Whether it be difficult memories or memories that still make me blush at his brazenness.  He was bold, very bold.  When he first kissed me he made no attempt to be slow, he was like a savage tearing at my mouth and neck and ear.  He could kiss very well and he tasted faintly of beer and colgate.  You never would guess it intoxicating.  That is until the tongue of the taste is exploring your mouth and drugging your senses.  After that day I let him continue to explore.  With every new sensual craving he showed me I forgot about how much of me I was losing.  I became a girl…not of intellectual collection or innocence; I became a person who cared about appearance about other “bitches” rather than who I was.
I had always hated girls who thought themselves the world, the new cancer, the new black…yet I had become that girl I had become…fake.  I was no longer the girl looking at the world in awe and thinking of grand possibilities.  I was the girl fucking a guy and feeling like I owed it to him because he drove me home and kissed me and said I was beautiful. 
Imagine doing all of this, and then realizing he’s not calling back or returning your phone calls, or picking you up and taking you back to his house.  You’ve lost him…I lost him.  It was hard…I lost friendships over him, I lost respect, I lost trust, I lost self-love and he can’t even give some of it back to me.  No he has it all because I gave it all to him.  Everything…It doesn’t hurt when you’ve given nothing a few simple words and exchange of simple feelings, but when you give your trust and body and heart and mind to a person and then it all falls through your hands like…like what?  It fell through my hands like a heart would fall after being dismissed like a common whore. 
The old me, the real me would’ve moved on, but the new me was not that girl with her head raised high, she was the one ready to grovel for someone unworthy of her attention.  And I did…and after a while he responded to my calls.  In that moment I heard his voice my hopes were rising, and stupid frilly thoughts came rushing through my mind.  Thoughts and images of romantic movies and I was going to be the girl he chose, the girl he in the end ultimately loves.  Once again this was not the case.  He picked up the phone told me he’d pick me up tomorrow because we needed to talk.  And I the stupid frivolous girl thought this meant we’d go for ice cream, make love, and then he’d ask me out.  I was wrong…