The Birth of Religion...... maybe

I wasn’t actually around when religion was invented (I seem to remember reinventing religion in the 60s but I'm sure it had been going on for longer than that) so this is pure speculation.

Not having claws or spines or bulk or wings to get us out of serious trouble, the only thing we had going for us was our powers of reason. Turns out to be a pretty powerful tool for survival. We not only adapt ourselves to our environment but we eventually learn to adapt our environment to suit our needs. Control = survival and the instinct to survive is the most vital element to ensure that evolution ticks along its mysterious course.

Without the instinct to survive, we would have chaos.  Can you imagine a lion asking an antelope "Mind if I take a bite out of your arse, mate?" and the antelope saying: "Nah. You go ahead, pal. Watch the ol' wassnames". It wouldn't work, would it? Evolution would have resulted in one very, very fat animal. Presumably, evolution had other plans (and read into that what you may).

So we reach a point at which we've got our environment pretty much sorted: Predators? Bring 'em on! We got fences. Hunting? Screw that! We'll breed the buggers ourselves. Gathering? In your dreams, mate! We grow the stuff, don't we? Winter? Pass us the ol' bearskin, will ya. We had become Control Freaks.

There were, however, aspects of this otherwise perfect order over which we had no control. The weather follows a pretty consistent pattern so everything evolved to rely on this consistency. Unpredictable weather; freak weather conditions could be devastating. Because control is the very essence of our survival, we see everything in terms of forces of control so, if we aren't controlling the weather, something else is.

Communication is another vital element in our social order so, if we can't control the weather, maybe we can find a way of communicating with whatever it is that does. Well, how exactly do you go about doing something like that!? You can try shouting and, quite possibly, they did (presumably, to no avail... otherwise religious ceremonies would be a very noisy affair today). You can try drawing large symbols that could be seen by something big enough to control the weather (and there are vast drawings on the ground in Mexico that could fit comfortably into this theory).

It soon becomes apparent that anyone who displays the slightest talent in communicating with the Great Beyond is ensured a very secure position within a protective society. Such people can afford to lay down a few conditions (that ol' devil, 'control' again).

How do you decide whether or not someone can communicate with Gods? It would be handy if someone could just say: "Here, God? You gotta minute?" and a voice from the firmament says "Yes, chief? What can I do for you?" but its not as simple as that. So we kick the idea around for a while and decide to try a few random attempts at communicating with the Gods and the first person to get a result is the fella for the job.

Let’s assume that someone drew a giant turtle while wearing a woven yucca hat with a peacock feather in it on the very day that a long drought came to an end. Up until that moment, he had been known as ‘Thog the Geek’ due to his encyclopaedic (and largely useless) knowledge about turtles. This, however, casts him in a different light.

“By Jimminy!” the people cry “Ol’ Thog’s bloomin’ cracked it!”
Suddenly, Thog the Geek is now Thog the Turtle Man Who Speaketh To The Turtle God Who Bringeth Forth Rain. A number of factors have now been established: God likes turtles.... so turtle egg souffle, turtle soup and turtle flipper kebabs are now off the menu. God also likes Thog so it’s better to keep on his good side. God likes Thog to wear a woven yucca hat with a peacock feather ....and peacocks become a little edgy. Already, the framework of a story has begun to unfold. All Thog has to do is fill in the details.

This sudden escalation in his position within the community has changed Thog’s life. People no longer bully him and they now treat him with respect. If Thog wants a goat, Thog gets a goat. If Thog wants a woman, he has his pick of all the post-Neanderthal lovelies that the community has to offer. This is something worth protecting.

So Thog builds the story of the Turtle God in such a way that his social standing is protected even when things turn sour. He doesn’t just want to be the man-of-the-moment only to be beaten to a pulp when the floods come so he conveys the rules that the Turtle God has dictated to him:

1. There are a mind-boggling array of rituals that must be performed by everyone in the community in order to keep the Turtle God happy (this might sound weird but there is good reason for this.... Thog might be a geek but he’s no fool).

2. If misfortune should befall the tribe, it’s because somebody didn’t do the rituals properly and not in any way Thog’s fault (I told you there was a good reason)

3. Even the chief must do Thog’s bidding (safety clause)

4. Only Thog is allowed to communicate with the Turtle God. (he doesn't want anyone else grabbing a piece of the action)

5. Anyone who doesn’t wholeheartedly believe all this will die horribly. (insurance)

So Thog enjoys a long and privileged life. While things are good, he enjoys the tribe’s gratitude. When things go pear-shaped, Thog declares “It wasn’t me! Somebody didn’t do the dance right!”
All eyes fall on Graath the Clubfoot and the Turtle God gets a succulent sacrifice.

This is how I imagine the birth of religion. Maybe I’ll be struck down by lightning, maybe I’ll get a huge, wet flipper across the face but that’s how I see it. I could be wrong, of course.... It has been known to happen. I was wrong about Jim Carey becoming the next President so make of this what you will.