Fly Swatter!!

keeping you entertained  one day at a time


I still see the blue tile on my parents kitchen floor and my mom sitting in the chair at the table talking on the phone.  I was 3 or 4 at the time.  What is it that kids find so intriguing about crawling around on the ground??  Often I think, "if we could just stick a broomstick in em they would make great floor dusters!"  So I am staring at this floor and I see this cool looking raisin...I picked it up and took a bite out of it...everyone likes raisins right??  they are from california ...and everyone loves california ...unless you live there of course!  this raisin seemed to be pretty crunchy and had a very distasteful green juice that oozed out into my mouth.  Since that day all my flatulence has smelled like that STINK BUG that I consumed.  And to think, we could actually survive in the wilderness by eating insects...I would probably eat tree bark and leaves before inhaling another juicy bug! 

Growing up was fun, but I remember thinking so often that I just had it so hard.  All I wanted for christmas one year was a HEMAN castle...I realize I am showing my age now because HEMAN was back in the stoneage...My parents wouldn't hear of it, so instead I got this barbie house.  What farmgirl likes barbies anyways?  I found a way to entertain myself though by popping their heads off and making Ken have boobs.  Self entertainment is always a plus!  I wish I had known then what I know now about being appreciative and realizing that I NEVER ONCE HAD IT HARD in comparison to the majority of the population.  I am always telling my four year old, "If you aren't going to take care of that toy and be thankful for it then we need to just give it to a kid who doesn't have any!"  Lots of times that threat doesn't work and he really does want to give it to some kid and I am like...OH NO...that is the 75 dollar toy we bought...how about this mcdonalds happy meal one instead?  I tell ya, i teach my kids to be generous and nice and then I have my own downfalls on the whole situation.  The, "It's mine and you aren't having it" syndrome. 
God loves a cheerful giver and I believe that he does reward us when we sacrifice things for the betterment of others.  He may not rain down a million dollar jackpot on our front porch but He has his ways of showing Himself to us! 

As a child I was always very inquisitive wondering who, what, when, where, why and how everything worked and came from, etc... I never could figure out why God created mustard, mayonnaise and FLIES.  All of these things I absolutely hate.  In God's eyes, hate is as bad as murder, so does that make me a condiment/insect murderer?  If so, i will gladly take the fall for it!  I don't know if I hated flies because I was jealous of them cuz they could go anywhere they wanted or if the thought of them throwing up from their feet while being on my food was what got to me.  For those people who believe that their ancestors are flies..."I have murdered your entire family tree in my lifetime!"  I would think by this time the flies would have sent word out in their fly colony and had a picture of me posted saying, "do not go near this woman, or you shall surely die!"    I wonder if there were flies on Noah's Ark ?  I can't wait to ask him someday when I get to heaven!  Some people are anxious to meet Joseph and ask about his dreams and visions, others are curious about Daniel's faith in the Lion's Den...but not me...oh no..I just need to talk to Noah and find out what he did about the flies .  did he concoct up a fly spray?  they had not yet created fly swatters, but as smart as they were for building that boat and getting the heck out of dodge they surely could have put together some animal hide and attached it to a stick to use as a death device! 
Dear Lord, know that I cant' wait to meet you, but please bring Noah to the front of the line so I can get his autograph as well!  AMEN.

Does anyone reading this remember when people had this stuff called stationery and I think, envelopes...???  One day I was online and saw about this girl who was writing a letter to her friend, and then had put it in this white packaging that surrounded it and had this little square sticker thing you put up in the corner.  She was saying that it was soo cool how she could compose a note to a friend, throw it in a box at the end of her driveway and have it go to her buddy in just a few days time.  I can do that too I suppose, but I don't need a sticker or a box at the end of my driveway.  And, my buddy can get my note within seconds of me sending it.  I think back to the realllllly old days where the women's husbands would go off to fight and they would not hear from them for months.  Most of these women were still very consistent at writing letters.  Some may have been, "hi honey, I just found out I am pregnant"  and by the time the guy received it the child was almost graduating highschool!  I realize that technology has caused us to be lazier to a degree but it sure helps keep our stories more up to date!  Less exercise too, you don't have to walk to your mailbox.  Just click your mouse button over the top of it.  I would say out of all the parts of my body my hands are the strongest!  I could possibly lift an elephant with just my fingers! 
Speaking of elephants, I have actually ridden on one when I was 7 or 8.  We were in Colorado on vacation and it must have been at a zoo or something…I mean, it wasn’t in our friends backyard…as far as I remember at least.  Thinking back on that is like, “my goodness, what were my parents thinking letting me climb up there on top of that 2000 lb thing??”  I have seen DUMBO and when those things get mad you better be well out of their way.  God obviously had a special purpose for my life and knew that death by elephant trampling was not how it panned out.  I am very grateful for this!

I am grateful for a lot of things… mainly, my relationship with God, my husband, kids, my fly swatter, computer and 1200 dollar mattress that has taken me from tossing and turning to flipping and flopping!  Some salespeople will tell you anything just to get you to buy it.  “Oh, you are suffering from a rare syndrome of backoliosis?  You are in LUCK…We just got in a new shipment of beds GUARANTEED to cure you within 30 days.  And if it doesn’t then …. Well… don’t worry, it will cure you and the only reason you will be coming back in here is to thank us.  Of course we offer no refunds or exchanges but it does come with a complimentary mattress pad.”  Free Mattress pad?  That’s cool…I will take it.  Let me just sign my life away here on the dotted line. 
I suppose if nothing else when I am flipping and flopping if I wet the bed at least it won’t ruin the mattress!  We should always look on the bright side! 

One of these days I would like to go outside in this horrid heat and crack an egg on the sidewalk and see if I really can cook it there.  Has someone actually done that?  And if so did they eat the egg afterwards?  I hope they put salt and pepper on it at least!  I am so addicted to sprinkling pepper on EVERYTHING.  I ate a bowl of rice krispies yesterday and thought, “these just don’t taste quite right”.  Sprinkled the pepper on and WAHLAH!!  It was exquisite!  My dad always put miracle whip on orange jello.  He would chase us kids around the house with spoonfuls of it trying to get us to eat it.  It made me want to throw up …. If he had put pepper on it though I probably would have gobbled it down!  What is the difference between miracle whip and mayo ??  I just never got into either one of them to really figure it out.  I can hardly go past the mayo aisle at the store without gagging…so, if someone out there could enlighten me on the contrasts and comparisons I would appreciate it!  You are supposed to learn something new every day. 
Today I learned to be more careful when pouring water into a pan of tomato soup.  Because if you are not, it may just end up all over your sandals and your freshly mopped kitchen floor. 

American Inventor…did you watch it??  These people come on there with these fantastic life changing ideas and products thinking that someone might actually wanna buy them.  There is this one guy there who had made shoulder pads and a head pad out of foam and was wearing it and he honestly believed that in a car crash this could save lives!  I wouldn’t trust it for it’s designed purpose but I would have bought it to wear it as a goofy Halloween costume!  The guy who won actually did have a life saving device that I believe many people will soon be purchasing in the next few years to come.  It attaches to the top of your Christmas tree and automatically senses when a fire starts and will start spraying water out and put out the fire within a minute or so.  So, he won a million dollars and the chance to get his product out there.  What they forgot to say was all that fine print stuff of, “you have to remember to keep the small water tank filled up or this product is not guaranteed to work!”  Also, I would think the firefighters would start complaining about how it is taking away from their job security! 
Either way, I hope for his sake it sells well.  Why can’t I ever come up with a braniac idea???  I think someone should invent something called bumper toes.  I love walking around barefoot, but am always bumping my toes into things.  If I had a BUMPER TOE I could simply attach it to the end of my feet and never worry about stubbed toes EVER AGAIN…. I wonder when the next season of American inventor will be coming around?  Do they come to the d.c. area? 

If this were a book and I were reading it at 12:30 at night/morning I would be ready to turn the page to see that I was at the end of the chapter so that I could go to bed without having to mark my place in the middle of a sentence!!  Unfortunately, this is not a book but since I am the one typing it I can just end it whenever I feel so led….and you have the ultimate control of not reading it past the stink bug paragraph if you wish.  I actually have more buzzing around in my head that is dying to get out onto “internet stationery” but my 1200 dollar mattress is calling out to me from my bedroom, beckoning me to come flip and flop on it, so hi ho hi ho it’s off to bed I go. 

Thanks for reading this and maybe acting interested~!  Feel free to send me contributions or donations for my starving fund~ 

Stay away from elephants, leave the Barbie dolls alone, buy a fly swatter, and if you ever have me over for dinner DO NOT PUT MUSTARD OR MAYO on the table. 
I think that covers about everything.  Have a wonderful time waiting for the remainder of this novel!