One Last Thing- Scene 5

(This is taken from a larger body of work I produced earlier this year, about 3 young writers who decide to write a play designed to say that "One Last Thing" to the various lost loves in their lives. Here, the character Nels performs his scene. I've never given the script over for criticism on its own, so I thought I'd start out here by showing this.)

SCENE 5 – A DOZEN-DOZEN

(Lights up into a spot-light DSL which Nels walks into. He looks at the crowd for a second, maybe he waves. When he’s sure he has their attention, he beings to speak)

NELS: Okay, so here comes the part of the show where I jump out and tell you my sad sack sorry lost-love story. Maybe I cry a bit, and you all nod your heads and say to yourselves "Yeah, that's really sad. I feel bad for that dude." Well, sorry folks, but there has been a change of plans. You see, that's not how I roll. First of all I've got to say this: As long as I can remember, chicks have been telling me they love me.

What. The. Hell.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love chicks.

RIANNA: (Emerges from offstage) Methinks thou dost protest too much.

NELS: Hey, you get back there. It's not time for you to come out yet.

RIANNA: I didn't want to miss you "coming out".

NELS: Ha-ha. Very clever. But, you're kind of ruining my monologue right now.

RIANNA: I know. It kind of sucks. C'mon, you need a partner! I'm supposed to come out soon anyway!

NELS: (A beat) Fine. Ladies and Gentlemen, my beautiful assistant Rianna. (They bow) Through the aid of some theatrical devices that Ben insisted I include here, Rianna will be portraying various females throughout the next scene, ending at herself, where she will shock and amaze you all by performing the impossible: breaking my heart.

RIANNA: You're so emo. C'mon, get started!

NELS: Well, you get to your spot.

(Rianna jumps behind him. He sighs and continues.)

Where was I? Right, chicks. I love 'em. They love me. And that's a problem, because while I love them as a group, they love me singularly, and expect my love to be the same.

RIANNA: (Swings out from the right) Oh, Nels. I love you.

NELS: Oh, uh… Thanks.

RIANNA: Is that all you have to say?

NELS: Jane, listen, I'm not ready for that kind of, like, commitment.

"JANE": I'm not looking for a commitment! I just love you!

NELS: And that's what I can't commit to.

RIANNA: (She slaps him and switches sides) Nels, do you believe that there’s just one person out there for us? Like, soulmates?

NELS: Uh, if there is, I believe you should keep looking for yours...

RIANNA: That’s harsh. (To the audience) That’s harsh!

NELS: Quiet, you. You’re not supposed to talk to the audience. You’re not even supposed to be you right now, so shut it!

(Rianna sticks out her tongue at Nels. She straightens her wig or some other prop that she is using to indicate her character changes and with a grimace disappears behind Nels again, where she slips on another wig.)

NELS: It’s not like I mean to be so harsh about it, but girls...they’re all the same! (Rianna reaches around from behind him and punches him in the arm. Hard.) OW! I don’t mean like that, what I mean is...everyone of them wants their own “Happily Ever After” with their own Prince Charming...and none of them realize that I’m no Prince Charming...

RIANNA: No shit!

NELS: (Scowls a little) and that “Happily Ever After” never ends! It just keeps on going...

RIANNA: (In his face, and veeeeeerry cutesy) I luv you!

NELS: And going....

RIANNA: (Same as before, but she pinches his cheeks) I luv you!

NELS: And going...

RIANNA: (She darts around from behind him, and leaps into his arms. Surprised, he catches her.) I luv you, Nels! Forever and Ever, in sickness and in health till death do we part, so help me God!

NELS: (Shitting a brick) Help me God! (He drops her) No, no thank-you, that’s fine, but no. I’m not that kind of guy...I’ve...(Regaining his composure) I’m not really looking for something that...permanent, but...

RIANNA: But, I love you!

NELS: (Awkward) Um, thanks.

(Nels walks slowly away as he thinks. Rianna gets up and thoughtfully takes off her wig. As Nels talks, she tosses the wig aside and pulls out a baseball cap she had tucked into the back of her jeans. She does that sexy baseball cap-ponytail thing (if appropriate) that girls do, turns, and slowly (and sexily) walks away from him, quietly oblivious. She is pantomiming - browsing around in a store, looking at the merchandise, holding things up to her for size, etc.)

NELS: I guess it’s a round hole, square-peg kind of thing. It just never felt right to get that deep with a person, you know? I didn’t want to be tossing words like love around with the wrong person...that’d be putting a noose around my neck. How does it go? (He counts on his fingers) Love, Marriage, Car, Kids, Mortgage...before you know it, you’re up to your dick in commitment and responsibility, and it all starts with those three little words. I. Love. You.

(Rianna has found something she likes. She holds it up against her body.)

You know, I read somewhere that man wasn’t meant to be with just one person, that it wasn’t, you know, natural. That’s something I agree with. I mean, Let’s say that there’s – what – 5 billion people on the planet at any given time? And we just happen to *bump* into the one that’s meant for us

(Rianna meets Nels’ gaze. She smiles)

Well, shit. Maybe I should be careful what I say.

RIANNA: Hi.

NELS: Um, hi yourself. (To audience) This was...1999, at one of those little mall lingerie shops: Um, Mariposa, I think.

RIANNA: It was La Vie en Rose, and stop talking to the audience...you’re ruining the atmosphere.

NELS: Well, it sort of is my story. Where was I?

RIANNA: This is the part where I call you over.

NELS: Oh, right!

(He motions for her to continue. She graciously acknowledges this, gets back into character, and...)

RIANNA: Um, would, would you mind helping me for a minute?

NELS: (Walking over) Um, what do you need?

RIANNA: Oh, well, I just bought this negligee, and well, I’d like to take a look at the receipt, but damn, these jeans are so tight.. (She hands him “a box and they begins walking SL)

NELS: Uh, yeah, damn those tight jeans.

(Suddenly, as they walk, a loud Beeping alarm goes off. Nels begins looking around, confused, as Rianna grabs his arm.)

RIANNA: SHIT! C’mon!

NELS: WHAT?

(The two begin running, Rianna grasping Nels’ arm, and Nels being led around like a puppy on a short leash.)

NELS: WHAT ARE WE DOING?

RIANNA: RUNNING!!

NELS: WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?

RIANNA: REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I BOUGHT THAT NEGLIGE’?

NELS: Oh shit....

(The beeping dies off. Rianna looks around, then slows down, and stops.)

RIANNA: I lied.

NELS: You...Lied?

RIANNA: (Nods) Yeah.

(The two stare at each other. Nels chuckles, which causes Rianna to chuckle, and soon the two of them are doubling over in laughter.)

NELS: I think I should be mad.

RIANNA: Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll make it up to you. (She kisses him on the cheek) Hee-hee!

(Rianna slowly walks away, putting some distance between her and the dumbfounded Nels.)

NELS: And believe it or not, that’s how I met Rianna.

(Rianna gives a brief wave, then begins to pick some flowers)

She was something else, man. She was...like...you know when you’re watching a really good adventure movie, and like, the villains are winning, right, but then the hero like, makes a speech or cheats death or something and sort of...”routs” the bad guys? Like, when the hero starts winning the movie? That’s what it was like to be with Rianna. Like we were in our own little movie together, and everyone else was the bad guys, but we were winning. She was a cool chick, too. Sort of a jock. She played baseball-

(Rianna hops to her feet and takes a batter’s stance. She’s playing baseball).

RIANNA: C’mon, you mother-fucker, you shit-eating mother-fucker, I’ma gonna eat your fucking children you son of a bitch, you pig-sucking, donkey- fucking mother-fucking...

NELS: And that’s just at practice. She was a skydiver, too:

(Rianna stands on one leg, pantomiming floating down out of the sky.)

I went with her just one time. Didn’t go so well. I ended up blowing my lunch out at twenty-five-hundred feet. She was cool about it though. She just said:

RIANNA: (Shouting, with the thumbs-up) GOOD EFFORT!

NELS: Yeah, okay, so maybe it is...possible to just *bump* into the person you’re supposed to be with...(Rianna stops skydiving. She takes his hand, and they turn to walk, Nels turning his head toward the audience as they do) but so what? Doesn’t mean you don’t have a choice.

(The two of them are walking hand in hand down the sidewalk now. Rianna is enjoying the fresh air. Nels seems distracted.)

So, ri...

RIANNA: Yah-huh?

NELS: I kinda wanted to...well, say something to you.

RIANNA: Oh look, Nels, Flowers!

(They are standing DSC, facing the audience. They are looking over top of someone’s hedge.)

RIANNA: Wow, whoever lives here sure loves roses, huh? Must be nice to have a garden just full of them, surrounding your house like that.

NELS: I guess if roses are your thing...

RIANNA: Roses are every girl’s thing.

NELS: Listen, Ri...

RIANNA: What’s wrong with you today? You’re all moody and stuff.

NELS: (Blurting it out) Everybody here who is in love with Rianna raise your hand right now! (He raises his hand)

RIANNA: What?

NELS: Yeah, I didn’t really mean for it to happen, but, you know...ta-da! I love you. Kinda.

RIANNA: For real?

NELS: Um, yeah.

RIANNA: Really real? (He nods, weakly) Well, that’s a shock. I thought you were coming out of the closet or something. (Singing) Nels and Rianna, sitting in a tree...k-i-s-s-i-n-g...first comes love, then comes marriage...

NELS: I could handle that.

RIANNA: (No response. Beat.) C’mon loser, buy a girl a coffee...

(She exits. Nels sort of stands there, stunned)

NELS: Harsh. (To Rianna, OS) That’s HARSH! I guess I should have thought it through a little bit more. I mean, how do you get a girl to take you seriously when she doesn’t take anything seriously? (He stares out over the couch, at the neighbor’s yard) Then it hit me.

(He reaches out and picks up a rose)

It’s not a bad thought....and she did say that roses were her thing...

(He reaches in his back pocket for his wallet, and begins counting his money as he walks OS momentarily. When he returns he is carrying a basket full of roses (or perhaps is wheeling a tray with several bouquets in vases) and he begins placing them around the apartment.)

NELS: I had forty two bucks in my wallet, plus another hundred and twenty in my checking account. So the next day, before she got home from school, I let myself into her place with my key and got busy. A hundred and eighty bucks will get you a hundred and forty-four roses from Safeway. A dozen-dozen roses. That’s a lot of air-miles. Anyways, before she got home from work–

RIANNA: (She enters) Oh, hey, what’re you doing— Oh Nels.

NELS: Heh. Um, surprise!

RIANNA: Nels, this is...this is beautiful.

NELS: You like it?

RIANNA: It’s beautiful.

NELS: KICKASS! See, you didn’t believe me, but I had to show you, you know, that I mean what I say. I really do love you, Rianna.

RIANNA: (Beat.) No Nels.

NELS: Yeahbuhwhat?

RIANNA: I’m just not looking for something this...serious, you know?

NELS: What? What the fuck do you mean? I’m telling you I love you!

RIANNA: Yeah, Nels. And, uh… thanks. (She begins backing up, slowly)

NELS: (To the audience, no longer a part of that scene) I guess that’s the thing about “Happily Ever After”.

RIANNA: Sometimes, it’s just, “The End.”

(Rianna waves good-bye to the audience, blows a sweet kiss to Nels, and fucks off-stage. Nels, sad to see her go feels that last moment.)

NELS: So if I had one last thing to say to Rianna, it would probably be “a dozen-dozen”. To remind her. And then, if I had another few things to say, I’d add on: Fuck you! Fuck love! Fuck all that romantic idealistic crap! It’s all a bunch of shit, and you taught me that. All it took was a dozen-dozen roses.

(His outburst finished, Nels begins picking up the roses forlornly, and continues to do so into a blackout.)