Finding Me

I got up from sleeping. No wait, I wasn’t even sleeping, I couldn’t sleep thinking about what happened on Friday. I started to call my mom.

“What’s wrong?” She ran in.

“She killed herself.” I blurted out.

“What?” she said. My mom was shocked, but she knew exactly what I was talking about.

Something really tragic happened on Friday. Well this whole thing actually started a few months back. But what happened on Friday, I think, changed a lot of people’s lives.

Friday started like a normal day. I woke up, got dressed and walked to my bus stop. I was standing and acting like I was waiting for my bus. But truly, I didn’t know which one I was waiting for; my bus or my boyfriend to come strolling down the corner with his shiny black car.

My boyfriend got to the bus stop before the bus, so I got in his car.

“Hey, baby,” I said, trying to get his attention from staring into space.

“How come you were waiting for the bus when I told you I was gonna take you to school?” He asked.

“I wasn’t waiting for the bus. I was waiting for you, dummy.”

He looked at me smiling and said, “Ok, I believe you.” Then he whispered, “Sike.”

“I heard that.” I told him.

For the rest of the ride, we were just laughing, singing and making fun of each other. When him and I got together we always made a lot of noise. Everybody in the whole neighborhood knows that Devin and I been going out ever since last year.

But he’s not only my boyfriend; he’s also my best friend. The only person that doesn’t know this is my mom.

I got to my first class. When I went in, it was so quite and the teacher wasn’t there. She came right after me and everybody started talking. Well, I went through most of my classes normally, except for the last one. Students in my school always act crazy at the end of the day, but even crazier on Fridays. Anyway I got inside my last class and just couldn’t sit still. It was Geometry class and I didn’t like that class. The teacher always got me in trouble because “I talk too much.”

I got bored of sitting in class with my mouth shut, so I got up and asked to go to the bathroom. I took a pass and got out of class. On my way to the bathroom, I saw Anne. She is the most depressed girl in school. Everybody in school knows she cuts herself every chance she gets. We used to think all the bruises on her arms and legs were there because her step-dad beats her, until Evan, a guy in her art class, saw her cutting her right arm with the scissors.

“Hey, Anne,” I said.

“Hi,” she whispered.

I ignored her and just went into the bathroom. I hated these bathrooms. They smelled bad and they were horrifyingly filthy. It has five stalls and you wouldn’t call any of them clean. So I decided not to use them. I took out my ponytail to put it up again. As soon as I grab my hair, Anne rushed in. She had something shiny in her hand but I couldn’t make it out. She went in one of the stalls. I looked at the stalls then at my reflection in the mirror. I put my hair up, grabbed my pass and started to head for the door. I saw blood coming from the stall Anne was in. The blood went rolling down to my shoes. I went to the stall and tried to open it but It was locked.

I was so frightened, I screamed out, “Anne! Anne!” It got really quite. “Anne, open up!” No answer.

I pushed the bathroom door open and ran to my classroom. I was out of breath by the time I got there, but I had to tell Ms. Bright what happened.

I tried to get my words out, “Ms. Bright ….blood….in the……bathroom...Anne……”

Ms. Bright was confused. “What are you up to now?” She asked me.

“Just come to the bathroom with me,” I demanded still out of breath.

“Stay quite,” she told the students.

As soon as we got out, they started talking about how this is just another trick. Ms. Bright followed me all the way to the bathroom with the same confused look on her face. I was so scared and my eyes were tearing.

I opened the bathroom door and got in forgetting there was blood on the floor. The blood splattered everywhere when I stepped on it. Ms. Bright saw this and she started screaming so loud that the students and teachers in every room got out. All I could do was cry. One of the teachers went and called the principle. When she came back, everybody on that floor was out of their classrooms trying to see what was going on.

“Teachers and students, please go back to your classes and proceed with you lesson plans.” Mr. Ramose, our principal, told everyone.

I started to walk behind everybody else, who were going back to class. I looked back and saw Ms. Bright talking to Mr. Ramose. I wanted to know what she was telling him. But her voice was so low, I couldn’t hear her.

“Ava, come her, please.” Mr. Ramose yelled out.

I started walking back while Ms. Bright walked back to class. She patted me on the back.

“It will be ok, honey.” She assured.

“Yes.” I said when I got to Mr. Ramose. I was still shaking and sniffing.

“Did you see what happened?” He was talking to me like I was a lost three year old.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding my head.

“Do you want to tell me what you saw?” He asked softly.

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He asked me three more times, each time being more patient. But I said nothing. I just stared at the tall, educated-looking man in front of me.

He opened the bathroom door and went in, careful not to step on the blood, which by now was darker than before. I followed him in and saw him open the stall Anne was in. Right there was Anne’s body soaked in blood. I have never seen a dead body before. I felt like vomiting, my head started to hurt, and my heart started to beat faster and faster from fear. I wondered if this was going to affect me for the rest of my life. There was no evidence of how she died, except for three holes; two on her stomach and one where her heart is. There was no knife, gun, or anything she could have used to cause this. I looked at Mr. Ramose and saw that he noticed that too.

After a little while, the Ambulance came and took Anne’s body. Mr. Ramose told me to follow him to the office. I sat down on one of those comfortable, blue chairs they have at the office, while Mr. Ramose called Anne’s parents in the next room.
Five minutes later, Mr. Ramose returned, with him was Ms. Lee, the school counselor.

“Why don’t you guys go into that room, and just talk?” Mr. Ramose suggested. He pointed to a room with a long, skinny door. We went inside and sat down on a long, red couch.

“Hello Ava, do you want to tell me what you saw in the bathroom today?” Ms. Lee said. She was holding a notebook and a pen in her hands.

Really good way to start a conversation, I thought. I didn’t want to say anything but I had to tell somebody.

“She came to the bathroom holding something shiny. I couldn’t see it though. Then she went into one of the stalls. The last one actually. Then it got quite. I grabbed my pass and walked to the door. I stopped when I saw blood coming down to my shoes. I yelled for her to open the door but she didn’t answer. Then I heard a strange sound like metal hitting the wall or something. Then I got out of the bathroom and ran to my class.” That was all I said.

Ms. Lee asked more questions like: did she say anything or was she holding anything else. I didn’t answer. She left me to get myself together.

“I’ll be back in a little while.” She called back before she left.
I sat there, starting at a painting of a ship, wondering why I had to be the one in the bathroom when Anne died. I figured she killed herself since nobody else was in the bathroom with us. But I kind of wanted to prove it to myself. So I decided to go to the bathroom afterschool and look for something she might have used. I can be like Sherlock Holmes, I thought. Then I started to laugh by myself. Haha. That was funny.

“It’s time for you to go home, Ava. Have a good weekend.” Ms. Lee said, following the bell. She let me out of the room and led me to the office door.

I started going to my locker and saw Alyssa coming toward me.

“What happened? You have to tell me. I just have to know what happened.” She begged.

“I don’t think I’m allowed to tell, but I’m sure they’ll announce it on Monday.” I said smiling.

“Girl, please. I’m your best friend, I won’t tell anybody.”

“How about you go before you miss your bus, and I’ll call you tomorrow.” I said, hoping she would leave. I can’t be Sherlock Holmes with her around.

“Aren’t you coming?” She asked looking confused.

“No, I’m just gonna call Devin after I go talk to Ms. Bright.” I half lied.

“Okay, but don’t forget to call.” She waved and ran to the front door.

I got to my locker, took out my jacket and headed to the bathroom. The area was clean and the door had a yellow sign that said, “CAUTION”. I ignored the sign, opened the door and went in. I was surprised to see that the bathroom was cleaner than ever.

I went into all the bathroom stalls inspecting inch by inch. When I got to the last one I found a knife with blood all over it. I guess that explained the strange sound I heard. The blood on the knife was dry so I didn’t wash it. I put it in my bag and left the bathroom.

I sat on the steps at the entrance of school. I called Devin with my cell phone.

“Hey, what’s up?” I could barley hear him. But I could tell he was trying to beat the sound coming from where ever he was.

“Can you come pick me up from school? I need to get home.”

“Ok, be right there.” He hung up. He’s so sweet. Gosh.

I waited for about ten minutes before he got there. I got in his car and even before had the chance to sit down, he asked, “I heard something happened at school today. What happened?”

I told him the whole thing, including how I found the knife in the bathroom. I showed him the knife and told him not to tell anybody.

“I won’t tell, but you gotta tell somebody sooner of later.” He advised.

I had my head down all the way to my house. When we got there, I gave him a
goodbye kiss and left.

I got home and my mom was there. I didn’t know she was going to be home, that’s why Devin dropped me off in front of the building. Other times, when I know she’s home, he drops me off at the bus stop and I walk home.

“Where were you? Alyssa got home about 45 minutes ago. I told you we were going to Sylvia’s house before I go to work. I can’t believe you’d do this.” She screamed, going around the house as she got ready for work. “You are so irresponsible. When I tell you, you need to be home, I mean it. From now on you are coming straight home right afterschool and that’s that.” She was getting louder and angrier. Sylvia is my mom’s sister. She got divorced last year and now she lives by herself in an apartment with no bedroom; just a living room, a kitchen, and a bathroom. My mom thinks Sylvia gets lonely so we go visit her at least three times a week. I don’t like her very much because she bosses mom around so much. Mom thinks she’s just “being Sylvia”.

“I’m sorry, but I was talking to my teacher and something happened today. I have to tell you what happened.” I said following her around.

“It’s ok, for today. Just don’t do it again. And you won’t because you’re on punishment.” She yelled out as she left.

Karen, my mom is the nicest person I ever knew. But she has anger problems. A lot of people have told her to see a professional, that she needs anger management. My mom is an angel. She’s pleasant, kind, polite, careful, decent, respectable, noble, lovable, and on and on. But somebody gets her mad and she’s the opposite of all of those things she really is. She would throw anything at that person then she starts screaming and yelling. I guess counting backwards never worked for her. She hit me and threw stuff at me a lot of times. One time she even made my forehead bleed. I can’t even imagine the things she’d do if she found out about Devin. Even though it’s hard to deal with her sometimes, I don’t know what I would do if somebody took her away from me.

I was home all alone like always. My mom’s home in the mornings, but she has to work from 4pm to midnight. I hated that because most of the time, I’m all alone at home. All by myself. Nobody else. Just me. I could invite Devin over but I never really know what time my mom returns. She comes late most of the time, but other times she comes early. She works as a pharmacist at this 24 hour pharmacy. Just before that, she was an assistant nurse at the community hospital. She switched to this one because it pays more and she likes the schedule better.

I decided to do my homework for History class. But I fell asleep while reading my text book. Boring! I woke up after what felt like forever. I looked at my notebook then picked up my pen and wrote down the answers for the last two questions. I put my things back in my book bag. As I picked up my bag something suddenly fell out making a loud noise against the wooden floor. I turn around to see the shiny pocket knife. I bent down to pick it up and unexpectedly I got a shocking shiver down my back spine. I felt like disappearing, like I had no place in this world, like I was just making everything worse. I wondered if this was how Anne felt. Then I thought about it, I had no motive to be feeling like this. But then again, that’s how I felt and I didn’t need any reasons. I slipped the knife into my bag and headed to my room.
I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels. The Outsiders was on, so I decided to watch it since I never really got to finish it. Before I knew it, I heard the door open and my mom came in.

“I’m home,” she yelled, knowing that I wouldn’t be asleep.
She came and sat next to me on my bed. I turned off the TV.

“You said you had something to tell me. What is it?” she asked eagerly.
I told her everything that happened excluding the part about the knife.

“How do you think she died?” She was staring at the wall, trying to figure something out.

“I don’t know.” I really didn’t feel like talking anymore. “I’m sleepy, I’m just gonna sleep, okay?”

"Night, baby." She said

Now, I'm sitting on my bed staring at my mom, telling her Anne killed herself.

"How do you know?" She asked.

"I found a knife in one of the stalls." I showed it to her. "I didn't tell you because..."

"I get it. You were scared." She hugged me. "But you know you have to tell the principal right?"

"Yea, I know." I said, feeling like i was hiding something very importat. Which I probably was.

On Monday, after my mom dropped me off at school, I went straight to the office. I sat down waiting for Mr. Ramose. He entered the office with a woman and a man.
He went to the desk and took out a stack of papers.

"Well, this is her locker number and combination." He said handing them a paper from the stack.

The woman's eyes were red and puffy from crying. The man had his hands around her trying to comfert her.

"Mr. Ramose," I said. I knew that the woman and the man were Anne's parents.

He looked up from the papers in his hands and said, "Oh, I didn't see you there."
I gave him a fake smile.

"I found this in the bathroom on Friday." I said as I took out the knife from my pocket.

Mr. Ramose snatched the knife out of my hand as soon as he got the chance to.

"If it helps." I added.

Anne's mom and step-dad looked shocked. The color from the woman's face drowned in a second. She took the seat next to mine and burried her face into her hands.

"Why would she do this? Why?" She sobbed.

Mr. Ramose looked at me and saw that I looked bothered by this.

"Why dont you go to class, Ava?. Oh but if you want to, go to the nurse's office and rest." he said. "tell her I sent you."

"It's ok. I'll just go to class." I gave Anne's mom one last look and left. Somehow, even though I never really had a loved one taken away from me, I felt her pain. It felt like a movie I was watching, not real life.

When I got to English class, I wen all the way to the back. Even though I didn't have a pass, the teacher knew why I was late. I found an empty seat next to
Alyssa. I smiled at her and before she could say anything, Mr. Ramose came up on the speaker and announced;

"Something terrible happened last week on Friday that shocked all of us. I know most people already know but to recap. On Friday, we lost one of our students here, we lost Anne White. It's believed that she comitted suicide in the girls bathroom infront of the main gym. And to avoide any problems, that bathroom will be permanently closed from today on. Thank You and have a good day."

Alyssa turned to me the moment he stopped talking. "You witnessed it didn't you?"

"Yea, I did." I replied.

"Ok class, we can start as soon as Alyssa and Ava are finished talking." Ms. Sanford glared at us.

"Done." We both said at the same time.

Anne's death wasn't as much big deal as I though it was going to be. Once I read this book where a guy died and reporters came to the school and interviewed everybody that knew him. There were no reporters here and no interviews. But everybody was talking about it.

"I would never do something like that." One girl said.

"You know you go to hell for that." Her friend informed.

At lunch time, everybody stared at me. I wasn't surprised. I would've started at the person who saw what happened too. I was walking toward the table Alyssa was sitting at with my food close to my body, (for protection, you know) when a guy walks up to me.

"Why didn't you try to stop her?" He snapped.

"I didn't see her. She was in a stall." I pointed out. " How was I suppose to know? You think I got X-ray vision?"

He left and joined a group of noisy people at a nearby table. As I sat down next to Alyssa, she looked worried.

"Don't let them get to you, you did nothing wrong." She said trying to make me feel better.

"Yeah, you were brave. I think if it was me in there, I would've fainted." A girl at our table chimed in.

Everybody at our table started laughing and commenting. I pretended to be laughing, but the last thing I wanted to do was laugh. When the boy snapped at me like that, I felt what I was feeling all along. Guilt. What if I tried harder to see what she had in her hand? What if I had asked her a question and she started to talk to me and changed her mind? What if? What if?

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom, be right back." I got up and walked toward the exit.

"I'll come with you, if you want." Alyssa said.

"It's ok, I'll be righ back." I yelled back.

I went by "the bathroom". You would think I'd be horrified of that bathroom by now, but I wasn't. It was locked and there was a sign on it. It said:

PERMANENTLY CLOSED

Its so cute how specific this school is. I went around to another bathroom. I stood there and froze.


I didn't see anything shocking. All I saw was my reflection in the mirror. The same thing I was looking at when somebody's life passed by. ( Not to self...I could just put..when Anne killed herself. What do you think?)

Devin picked me up after school. We decided to go to the movies, just to help me forget all this stuff. We picked a comedy and we climbed up to the very top. He put his arm around me and held me tight.

"Forget everything," he whispered, his lips on my ear.

I tried to forget everything. I really did. But how can you forget all that blood? The body soaked in the thick, blackish red blood? The knife? How can you forget
Anne's mom? The question?

I wanted to know the answer to that question just as much as the mom. Why would Anne kill herself? Why now and not another time?

After the movie was over, Devin asked me if I wanted some ice cream.

"No, not really."

"C'mon, you're not you anymore. I wanna see you smile again." He complained.

I shrugged and gave him a fake smile.

"Hey Devin, why do you think she killed herself?" I really wanted to know what he thought.

"Somethings, Ava, you just can't have answers for. Only the heavenly father can answer that one." He pulled me closer to him and kissed me on the forehead.

Devin used to be known as the worst kid in our town not too long ago. I have never heard somebody talk about him in a good way. He used to steal, get into fights, smoke, drink, and do all the drugs he can get his hands on. Once he met me and we started going to Bible Study, he turned his whole life around. He decided that all that criminal stuff just wasn’t for him. He dropped all the gang bangers he used to be around. Now, I’m his only friend and he couldn’t be happier. He lives with his two cousins four blocks down from me. They all own this motor shop down town. They sell motorcycles and fix cars. They shop used to be their father’s. When he passed away, he passed it on to them including Devin. He’s lived with his cousins ever since his mom left him to pursue her dreams of becoming a Broadway singer. That was six years ago and he hasn’t heard from her since.

We got in the car and he stated to kiss me on the neck. After a little while, I just didn’t want to be sitting there in that car. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to spend all my time with Devin, but I just wanted to go home.

"Devin, take me home, please." I said as I pushed him away.

"Your wish is my command." And he pulled out the parking lot and headed home.

When I got home, I was all alone again. When I'm alone I always seem to think about all the people I could have been with right at that moment. I think about my dad a lot. I think about where he is and wonder if he ever thinks about me.Mom got pregnent with me when she was seventeen. My dad told her he would marry her and always be there for her and the baby. But one night they got into a big argument. My mom got furious. My dad saw this and told her he couldn't live his whole life with a woman like this, so he left.

I got some chicken nuggets from the frige, microwaved it and sat on the couch. As soon as I sat down, the phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey girl, what's up?" Alyssa said from the other end.

"Just eating."

"I wanted to see if we can maybe go to the mall after school tomorrow."

"Just you and me?" I asked. I knew my mom would be ok with it. My mom never takes punishments seriously. It's just something to say when she's mad.

"Just me and you." She answered.

Tuesday after school, as I slid into Alyssa's car I saw Mr. Ramose talking to Anne's mom. What could they possibly be talking about? What's done is done, I thought.

"You're not the same anymore. Laugh for a change." Alyssa complained.

"Well I don't think you would be the same Alyssa if you had to throw if you had to throw away your favorite shoes because they had blood all over." We laughed.

After going arond the mall just trying things on, we decided to stop by Starbucks and get some coffee. We got coffee for Alyssa and hot chocolate for me. Then we went to sit at a table by the window. I had always liked watching all different kinds of people going to all different kind of places.

I noticed a bruise on Alyssa's right arm and poked it.

"What's this?" I asked.

Then I remembered last summer when I saw Alyssa and Aaron, her boyfriend arguing. He grabbed her arm and slapped heracross the face real hard .

"Ah...I know what happened. Aaron did this, didn't he?" I exclaimed with bitter disbelief.

"He didn't mean to, and it was my fault for not telling him where I went."

"Alyssa, stop it, just stop blaming yourself. He has no right to hurt you like this, and it doesn't matter what you did. Weren't you paying attention in that self-defense class?" I shrieked.

"I know, I know,but it's different with me and him. He's actually gentle, charming, and friendly when you get to know him. And you know how much my mom loves him."

She was right, her mom did love him. A year ago. Alyssa's father collapsed in the middle of their living room. Her mom called the ambulance but they didn't show up. So when Aaron heard this he came over to their house and drove the father to the hospital. Ever since then, Alyssa's mom treats Aaron like he was her own son.

"I bet you she woldn't love him if she found out about this." I said.

"Yea but she's not going to, and what's there to find out? He loves me and so do I. That's all there is to it."

"Well, I can't just sit and watch some guy hurt my best friend." I mumured.

"And here we go again. He's....NOT....hurting....me, Ava."

"Then he must be "loving" you, huh?" I said sarcastically.

"Exactly" she smirked.

When I got home that night, I found my mom sitting on the kitchen table. She was sleeping with her head buried under her arms, papers scattered infront of her and a pen behind her ear.

"Mom," I whispered, "Mom."

She got up and looked at me then at her watch.

"Aren't you suppose to be at work?" I asked.

"I called in sick because I have to get these tax papers in by this week. Now
where'd I put my pen?" She said as she looked around.

"It's behind you ear. You're loosing it, Ma. You're loosing it." I joked.

I went and sat infront of her and stared at the most important person in my life.

"So how was your day?" She asked, head down, eyes on the paper.

"Great. Alyssa and I went to the mall. And can you believe Alyssa's..." I stopped in mid-sentence. I almost told her about Aaron.

"Alyssa's what?" She asked.

"Um...Alyssa's mom gave her the old car and bought a new one for herself."

"Really?" She seemed intrested.

"Yeah and I was just wandering, when am I getting one." I groaned.

"When you have enough money to pay for it." Always the same answer.

A week went by, then another. Anne was mostly forgotten. Most people have moved on. Even though I didn't show it, I still thought about Anne. When I went to her funeral a week after that friday, I saw her mom and decided to go say some comferting words.

"It's really sad what happened, Mrs. White. If there is anything I can do let me know. Okay?" I offered.

"Thank you so much, Ava. But you have already done enough and I appreciate it. You don't deserve to have all this dumped on you at such a young age." Then as I left, she turned around and wept.

Saturday afternoon, I was walkin back home from my part time job at Lucky's. It's an ice ceam shop by where the motor shop is. Mrs. Mable, our nice old nieghbor, stopped me.

"How are you doing, child?" She said.

"I'm doing fine. Thank you." I said

"You look like very beautiful today, you have somewhere to got? Speaking of which, have you told your mom about that young man you're always with?" About six months ago, Devin and I were the big news in the neighborhood. Everybody talked about us, about how Devin used to be, how he is now, and how my mom doen't know about us.

"Devin? No, Mrs. Mable. You know my mom won't understand."

"You oughta tell her soon, honey. If you don't there will always be a wall between you two." She advised.

"I'll think about it, Mrs. Mable."

That sunday, when me and Devin were at Bible Study, I told him all about Alyssa and Aaron. I wasn't being a bad friend, I just couldn't talke it anymore.

"That is wrong. She needs to report that before he does something even worse." He interrupted.

"I know, but she won't listin, and I'm really worried abou..."

The instructor jumped in and said a little prayer.

"Today our lesson is going to be about friendship. What is true friendship according to the Bible?" He challanged.

Student started talking and giving out different answers.

"Jesus Christ gave us the definition of a true friend in John 15:13-15" He continued.
We arranged our chairs into a circle and turned to John in our Bible. We read the passage out loud. After he explained that one, we read one in Luke too.

"Greater man hath no love than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."--John 15:13

On Monday, Alyssa picked me up in the morning. Once I got inside her car, an idea came to me. I haven't met anybody that believed in the words of the Bible as much as Alyssa. So I had a plan. More like an advise, a really good one.

"Hey Alyssa, you said you and Aaron are bestfriends and that he loves you right?"

"Yea." She said slowly. She looked up at me.

"Well then, have I got stuff to tell you." I told her all about yesterday's Bible Study including John 15:13. Alyssa doesn't go to Bible study because she works on Sundays. But she has me tell her all about it on Monday mornings. She didn't always believe in the Bible or Jesus. I remember about two years ago, when I started going to Bible Study, she told me it was just a waste of time and that she didn't believe in that kind of stuff. Back then her mom was a drug addict and she had left home. Seven months after she left home, Ms. Johnson came back completely transformed. She started going to church and she had been clean for over six months. She asked Alyssa and Mr. Johnson for forgivness and told them all about what happened while she was gone. She had checked into a rehab center and she had found Jesus there. Alyssa thought that was a miracle because she knew her mom had been to rehab before and she knew nothing would ever change her. But her mom came back changed and Alyssa couldn't believe it. So she started going to church with her mom. And once she told me that when she's at church, all her troubles melt away.

"He would lay down his life for me if he had to." She responded.

"Do you really believe that?"

We looked at eachother and she shook her head. When we got to the school parking lot, Aaron was waiting for Alyssa. We got out of the car.

"Hey Ava, hey baby." Aaron called out.

"Hey" I said.

Alyssa walked right into his opened arms and kissed him. They started to walk towards the school. Alyssa turned her head back.

"I'ts gonna take me time." She mouthed. Then she turned back around and pulled him closer.

I understood her and what she was going throug. I knew how hard it was to break up with somebody you've been with too long. "Hope it won't take too long." I whispered to myself.