THINGS YOU MUST NEVER DO IN SMALL TOWNS

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            Things You Must Never Do in Small Towns”
                          Offered by Peter Yule

    Now it has been my experience in life to not only live in small towns, but to visit new one’s as a part of my job. This often times meant slipping quietly into a nearby motel, inn, or  if my stay was to be a few weeks or more, a local boarding house. It was necessary for me, being an old “Down East Yankee” to establish personal ties with as many natives, “Townies” as possible in very short time spans. To do this was an educational experience, and with out too much to say about that, I would like to share a few of the lessons learned.

    First not wanting to be exposed as an “outsider” but wanting to fit in with the towns folk, it was necessary to meet them where they were at. This process usually started by finding the best breakfast spot in town. As a newcomer, I must warn you never, no never ever ask any resident of a small town where a good place to get breakfast might be! Be extra careful not to ask this in the presence of two or, god forbid, three hometown folks. Reasons for this lesson are simple. First, you have automatically identified yourself as being from somewhere else, and in small towns that will inevitably raise suspicion of your very being. Second, you will get from the first person a response such as “Oh why you just trot over there to Dan’s café, why that’s the best place I know of.” Problem with this is that any nearby folks will always rebut the comment by saying something like, “Why do you want him to go there, why that’s the worst place in town, if the man wants a really good meal he has to go down three blocks to Pat’s diner. That is where the smart folks go.”

    Well you can see where this all leads. The first person has already been insulted by the second, and I have personally seen friendships that had lasted thirty years or more end in tumultuous arguments from such beginnings, and I have become the cause of such madness. There is a possible alternative answer which I have received when asking such a question, and it usually starts with  the person asked  saying something like this. “If your hungry, I suggest Hope’s restaurant over on Main St. It was always the best, even now that Hopes half sister from Podunk is back in town helping her to run it. Not that Hope ever needed help mind you, but since she got out of rehab, she has not been quite the same. Of course her half sister has no brains when it comes to running anything, but she can cook. She was out at a logging camp in Oregon just her and twenty six men and doing all the cooking for them for years. Yes, you’ll want to go to Hope’s, that’s  the place for you. Oh by the way. You may not want to try the daily specials, everyone knows it’s just leftovers with gravy from the day before!”

    You can see now how important this lesson, this bit of advice this information might be. You as an outsider, a flatlander, or the new feller, in from the city might end up at the hub of the next civil war. I would not want that to happen to you.

    Following along with the above lesson, is the second most important thing that you will not do in a small town. Never, Never arrive in a new car. Such madness is just not tolerated by local folks. Why anyone in a new car, must just be in some kind of off color or shady business. No if your car is less than three years old, leave it at home. Go out and rent from Rent-A Wreck, or borrow your sons car and leave yours with him. We can’t have you looking like a city slicker out to make a killing in our small towns. It is all about fitting in, don’t you know. If you see the Mayor, and he is driving a new car, you are required to be suspicious just like every one else in town.

      On the topic of cars, as with the preceding lessons, if your car breaks down, hide the sucker. Open your hood and pull out some wires, get some grease on your hand, shirt, even on your jacket. Make it clear that you are a man (woman) that can handle the situation yourself. If it must be repaired by a professional, don’t even think of asking a local for the name of the best mechanic in town. Most small towns have a very high number of NASCAR followers. The best mechanic, why that question could in some courts be interpreted as a suicidal incident or a hidden death wish. In small towns, every mothers child is given a set of wrenches on their first birthday, and lessons from Dad to go with them. If the person hearing such a question does know a good mechanic, in a small town, he / she will always keep that secret for family members only. They would much rather show you their collection of Billy Beer cans than to give up town secrets.

    Well maybe you want to fit in with the recreational crowd, and your tempted to ask for directions to the best fishing spot around. Bang. You just shot yourself in the foot. Dummy, aren’t you paying attention. Some questions are best left unasked. If you want to fit in, here is an important, all important, very important thing that you must do. It is essential  to small town survival. Arrive on Saturday afternoon. Bring a sandwich with you or a few candy bars for breakfast. Get up early on Sunday morning, dress well but not too well (mismatch your tie with your jacket) and arrive at a local church. Now I don’t want to tell you this, but the second largest church in town, is usually the friendliest. They are a lot like Hertz. They want to be number one. After church, go with the flow for the coffee and cookies in the church hall, look for the busiest mature lady in the place, and compliment her on all of the fine looking cakes, cookies, or even for the best cup of coffee you have had all day. She was probably at the church hours early getting it all set up and she will love you for noticing it. If you are fortunate enough to strike the right cord, she could become your best friend, just filled with local information.

    This new friend will probably tell you the truth of that situation over at Hope’s place, and she will probably have a nephew or grandson that would just love to work on your car.

    One more lesson, and the toughest of all. Never tell anyone why you re in town. The speculation will grow instantly, and within days folks will be seeking you out, just dying inside to know if your with a big real estate company coming to gobble up land. You might be that guy that was out looking at the old rocks just east of town, you know the one that wants to reopen the mine. Why within days, a good, self respecting man  (woman) like you, a church going person that never bothers anyone with dumb questions, why you will be so popular some one may even offer to by you a drink over at Ted’s bar.

    Don’t do it, don’t even think of it. Yes take the invite politely, and when seated order just a coke. You know it’s for your stomach. You don’t drink anything harder than coke, or maybe a Pepsi or if you must, a Mountain Dew. Just let the host know that you have a weak constitution probably from too much work and trying to take care of your family, but you do appreciate his invite. Suggest that it is okay with you if he has another drink (or two) but you just don’t touch the stuff. You will however bend the rule if asked to a wedding or to some ones home for a meal. Yes a small glass of wine would be just fine. Helps to settle the stomach.

    There are some critical issues about entry points into small town life. If you are to be at all successful at it, it takes work. As for me, My name is Peter Alden Yule, and I was born in a small town in New England, and I thank the good Lord for that blessing.

    I am a writer and storyteller and you will find me right here on WDC. Please visit my portfolio.  Start reading with Mr. Joes’ Stick. You will like it…a lot.
                                                                              Peter Yule