Random Thoughts of Psychosis part 2

hopelessly floating through a world full of people, yet I feel so alone. no one yet has been able to understand me. those who try fail. I am always alone, standing in a room full of people. I didn't always used to be like this. I was bright, inside and out. why is it I feel so sad? I was that way once. how can I hold so much in, and no one can understand. why can't I just do what I want and be like I want. no longer to I want to hold on. 4-2-00

I wonder how many nights I stay up thinking how I want it all to end. enough times to do it? most of the time I write, even though it hurts to. I stay up knowing that there is no one I can turn to for help. no one I can call. that I can guarantee will listen. one time I tried to find a number to call, and surprisingly I didn't succeed. what a terrible world we live in. there are so many numbers to call, but no place to find them. I often wonder where I would start. are they really just a shoulder to cry on? or will they really listen to me. will they cry along with me? how much pain can a person stand knowing about before they find an exit themselves? so many people lie awake at night in the world, for so many reasons. but can they be helped? I used to think G*D could, the man in the blue suit changed that theory. and changed my life forever, I believe. the earth and G*D has closed its eyes and its ears, no longer are they willing to lend a helping hand. I want to kiss you. I want you to hold me and tell me I'm pretty. it took a long time for me to get like this - I know that. but how can I stop it? there is no stopping it, it is a never-ending cycle. when someone dies does their soul really go to heaven? if they are bad will they go to hell? how long does an eternity really last. a life span. the fate of our lives is our heaven and hell. why don't they understand? you control the elevator, you make the choice. you press the button. they don't understand me. I pity the person who does. 4-2-00 12:04am

some days she can shrink herself down to the size of a mouse, but today isn't one of those days. she finds herself standing on the threshold of madness. confused as to where the light is really coming from. or should she say with it and not go to sleep. I used to think my problems were caused by society. now I see that they are caused by my own mind. there is no "heart", there is no "love" it is merely a connection with the past, something you have lost that you feel you can claim quickly, never having to return it to the rightful owner. sure, things weren't really supposed to turn out this way, but it's almost impossible to turn back the hands of time. let me turn my cheek so you can smack it. I fear because you hurt me, then and even now. in my dreams, your presence sends fear throughout my body, even though I know that you are not real. and yet, when I close my eyes, one way or another that invading presence is there, haunting me, making me feel dirty inside so I can wake up and wash my face. wash my body so I can get the feel of you off of me. but still you linger, and after scrubbing my body until it is red, I feel that I have just pushed you in deeper, adding to the insanity that already dwells in my head. precautions taken but there was still a loss. then, the ticking of a clock. the one never-ending presence in our lives that exists only because we allow it to. the fear of dying is an ever dwelling presence on us as well. hurting ourselves to make it to the grave on time - how happy of a clean life would we be able to live otherwise? the overpowering knowledge of knowing that one day, you will never hear the clock tick - you won't be able to see food going into your mouth. you won't be able to feel past your knees. they dwell in the back of our minds and only escape when we fall asleep and dream of the ever present future. 7-10-00 11:42pm

angry words, tender hearts, I feel like I've been torn apart. I can't get through a day without crying my life away. how can life be so strange? everything is about to change. I can't explain how I ache inside. nobody believes me so I just lie. they as me how I'm doing and I say just fine. just didn't sleep good last night. everything's great, I feel alright. I just didn't sleep very well last night. or the night before, or the night before. I can't figure out what it is that I can't figure out. every time I start to feel happy, I begin to feel sad. there as so few things that truly make me glad. I feel bad, feeling this way. I don't know what to do. 12-6-00 8:05pm

I hate myself for what I have become. there are not enough tears in the world to express the anger and sadness I feel. and not just now, always. seeping in. I can't even control my own anger and I cry at the drop of a hat. I want to tear at my skin with my fingernails and rip the flesh off. tear into the fat that has become me. I see myself not as a beautiful person anymore but as a shapeless blob. flopping around. shifting weight from side to side, and I don't even have peace in my sleep anymore. I am constantly tossing, turning. if able to fall asleep at all the last thing that crosses my mind is that I am sad. and what do I have to be sad about? I have an extended family that loves me, a boyfriend that has enough tolerance to deal with me, see through my many layers of issues and love me. a job that any other 20 year old is jealous of - almost everyone is jealous of. yet, I am unable to control my anger. it wells up and I have no outlet. a couple of months ago, I tried to re-discover g*d. like I ever had him in the first place. I have nothing to believe in, nothing to hold on to. and yet I am still here. wandering, wondering. why? where? I feel shaken when I step into the l*rds house. and was only able to take a deep breath after I got miles away. trying to feel clean when all I am is dirty. I can't even trust the kids because they will lie & steal to/from me. what a pitiful life. thinking everyone is out to hurt you. and yet I go on, scarred. and scared. the other night I had a "tiger claw" cramp. I started crying uncontrollable thinking my legs were going to spasm. rattler had his music turned up, after repeatedly asking him to turn it down, I threw his speaker on the ground. when he told me to put it back, I threw it at him. I can barely remember doing it now. I threw things at that animal because he wouldn't stop biting on his cage. annoying me, I got a searing pain in my head, which only went away after all was quiet. then I cried silently. barely blinking, not believing what I had just done. then I come in here, remember the past times of overwhelming anger and cry. then the blob. I don't understand how I can feel so angry with so little to be angry about, and crying because the wind is blowing the wrong way. I like to think about rear-ending the car in front of me or crashing into poles. do I not feel I am receiving enough attention? I feel most of the time that I am an attention hog. wanting everyone's eyes on me, then wishing them away immediately afterwards. I don't like feeling like this, or taking out all of my anger on rattle. he tries (sometimes) and does not understand how I can go off so easily. after having sex last month for the first time in a year, I felt guilty about making him do it. I felt dirty, like I had just raped him. then, the next two times were purely out of pity. it doesn't do anything for him. it sure does a hell of a lot for me. then, right afterwards, I feel dirty slightly, like again, I have just done something wrong. the only thing that is wrong is whatever it is that is wrong with me... 5-22-01 10:34pm

lightening rides across the sky. try as I might the tears run dry. calmness is comforting but how long till it ends, not to long before the pain begins. try as I might, the figures still fly like lightening, across the cream colored sky. your body against me, your heart against mine. yet you don't have the strength to look me in the eye. my body beneath you, can you see my pain? we are simply players... in this life-long game. try as I might I can never deny the thing I do when I cannot cry. the face in the distance, the never-ending fear, thinking aloud, yet hoping that no one will hear. the sound of my voice, echoing through this castle that I live in. sometimes without you. so on and on I go, try as I might, to keep putting up a fight. defending the things, I hold dearest in my life. try as I might. I can never explain why I don't answer when they call my name. the words are not unspoken. in my ears they ring true. I look around me, my life-long dreams. everything has turned to dust, it seems. no longer is my castle surrounded by a moat, the peasants walk through, seeming to gloat. for they have the freedom that I longed to have. but my castle is locked from the outside, so sadness is what I have. and still they keep on singing, around that heart of mine. forever they keep singing, until I speak my mind. then the spell will be broken, my heart rings out true. but until then I keep denying myself from everyone but you. the people are always talking, trying to figure things out. but he that knows all, is the one who does without. so until that day I'm broken, I'm sorry but it's true. what it is seems to be a mystery... the things that make me so blue. 8-30-01 11:37pm

we were sitting in the middle of a field, me, Alan & Jacob. Alan told me to move some weeds out of the way. When I moved them, I found what seemed to be (in my dream) a marijuana plant. maybe it was heaven? cloudy rolling grey - blue sky. Alan told Jacob - I've seen you do it with your friends, but you've never gotten high with me. but it didn't look like Jacob, although it was him. Alan handed Jacob a root beer can, which Jacob crumpled up and put his mouth to the opening. he took a deep breath from the can and passed it on to me. I inhaled deeply and held my breath, passed it on to Alan. Jacob exhaled a bit and started coughing, I inhaled a bit of air, slapped him on the back and said "you're supposed to hold your breath!" Alan inhaled and let it out a second later. I exhaled. it was like I was breathing out a cloud. It didn't disburse as usual, it came out like a stream. and it seemed to take forever to exhale. Alan laughed when he saw Jacob choking. I got up & twirled around, then, a moment later, the high was gone. 3-5 guys in black clothes, black leather jackets with slicked black hair appeared. Alan froze. Then we were in a hotel room. Lara was passed out on a mattress on the floor. I went to use the restroom. Alan followed me. when I tried to close the door, a 3-4 year old Alan pushed it open and came in. while I was yelling for him to leave the room, not to come in. he was naked, with a long, skinny penis, which he was holding in his hand. I bit down hard on the end of it (I thought he was going to hurt me) and he just laughed. "did you think that would hurt me? you don't know, do you?" then he became hysteric. "I was so young, they locked me in the bathroom and did things to me. I couldn't stop them, I was too little!", he sobbed, and broke down to the floor. Jacob opened the door, glared at me and asked "what did you do to him?" Jacob picked him up and carried him out. when I came out, Alan was back to normal (a 60+ year old man), and didn't say a word. I went outside, followed the rail around a couple of corners. there was a large woman sitting downstairs. there just happened to be a sopping went (and VERY large) grey sock on the railing. I threw it down on her and it splashed like she was just hit with a water balloon. she screamed, looked up and glared at me. "Run!" Alan said. "Don't stay too close to the railing, they are calling the police, they will see you and know what you look like." I ran, I looked over the edge a couple of times, seeing the surprised people staring back up at me. when I got back to the hotel room, I knew I had to pack. I tried to wake Lara up, telling her we had to pack ASAP, the police were on their way. she just moaned and turned over. I went to the bedroom and got a bag, I put my bear in, there was not much room left. I looked to the right at the closet, there was a larger bag there, so I grabbed it. Dad & Sera were standing in the doorway looking very solemn. I put my bear in. what else did I need? the pink rice cooker? a plastic toy? how was I going to fit my entire life into that one little bag? then I was in a shower. I had a beta fish in my hands. it was a beautiful red color. I didn't want it. I didn't want to take care of it. I put it in a clear bottle, that had a bit of cream colored liquid in it. I filled it to the top with water and set it on the side of the tub. I wasn't going to feed the fish, I was just going to let it die. I came back day after day, week after week to the shower. the fish was still normal size and the same bright red color. then, one day, I couldn't see the fish. it had shrunk down to the size of a pencil tip. I became hysteric. this poor fish was the last of a royal chain. his father had just died. I grabbed the bottle and ran out of the shower. I had to find a clean, large bowl to put him in. I felt terrible. I ran to the room, Lara was there unpacking. "I need a large bowl for my fish!" I reached for a bowl sitting on her dresser, but it had a large royal blue fish in it. can't use that! I looked at the cabinet. there was large bowls with half-burned candles in it. can't use those. Lara lifted up a large bowl "will this work?" she asked. "Perfect!" I said. the opening to the bottle was small, I had to pour a little in my hand, and run my fingers through it to find the tiny fish. I got to the very bottom of the bottle before I found him. I apologized to him profusely for the cruel way I treated him. I put him in the large bowl filled with water. he was so tiny! then, I was outside of Sandy's house. I was in line to pay for something (something small). Sylvia paid for my stuff. "Are you sure?" "Anyone who is nice to my daughter deserves everything." Lara started bad-mouthing Sandy, loud. shhh! Sandy was on the walkway, on the way to the house. I told Lara to be nice, Sandy came in wearing a sleeveless dress, pink with white polka dots. she glared at me and Lara for being rude. then; alarm clock and confusion. 10-20-01 7:45am

thoughts spoken, promises unbroken. all these things I have are my tokens. take what you will, I don't give a fuck. you'll only take what I give you, if that's much. you take what you want, I take what you give. isn't that some shit. moonlit sky surprises me, makes me the things I wanna be. all of these things that I do I don't do them just for you, I don't give a fuck, when you don't say much. it's just silence, thoughts not spoken, promises broken. you haven't even taken the token. how do I ride a ride without a ticket, this must mean that you really meant it, isn't that cool; it's a golden rule, say what you want, because I don't give a fuck. 6-23-02 3:15am

I look back and wonder, about all the things I've done. all the times I've spoken, and the many times I've cum. how can a feeling be just a feeling, and a thought be just a thought. today I learned what I was not. all these things that I haven't got. sunshine on rainy days, smiles to wash the fears away. the envy has deepened, the cavern is open wide. no longer does she sit and cry. she has awakened, in a way she never knew how, but in a way, she still cannot tell. does this mean she's going straight to hell? you said that love was thoughts not spoken, how can this be when the promises have not been broken? angry and alone, I try to calm. the feeling that we had is gone. no more denial to be tampering with me, all I want to do is be free. I could be a tree and sing softly in the breeze. or be a wild mustang, and run like a breeze. butterfly kisses, a cat scratch claw touch. how can you see something that much? it turns into a welt, then into a flame. try as you will, you will never win this game. so go bow your head in shame, and leave it to me to take the blame. I never even really mentioned your name, is that the reason that you came? how many times have I head things spoken, things will not happen, unless time gives the signal. 6-24-02 2:06am

angels knock then run away. saving it for another day. oh how I wish that you could come in, and join me in this game of sin. the angels wings fall to the ground, and she doesn't even turn around. I pick them up and try them on, then it seems, all time is gone. she looks at me, her face is hollowed. her hair is dry and gray. "it wasn't really ever for me", she said. "I was saving it for your rainy day." trembling hands reach out to grab her, as she fades away. "but how will I know... if the rain ever really came?" "I hear you knockin, on my front door". but I know you'll never come back for more. you will never see me cry, because this is the day, that you don't die. 10-5-02

all my life I tried to find the one. who gave me the stars and showed me the sun. now that I found him, he's going to run. how is it that I never keep people happy? ever since I was little, been working to keep everyone else happy. but have I even been? not until I found you. you opened my eyes, I've seen so much, but now I just want to seal them shut. I've never known the things you miss so much. when you talk of them, I tell you to hush. I tell you honey, I need you so much. what I hear comes as a surprise. you look right into my eyes, you said "I know". how long since you felt the tingle of need, every time you looked at me? I don't know what to do now to try to keep you happy. it seems everything I do makes you snappy. then I don't know what to say, I just stay quiet. you ask why I don't talk, I don't want to make you angry. what if I committed legally right after we just met? would that change the way you feel? you said this morning that you want out. I thought I was your soul mate. I though I was the only thing you needed for the rest of your life. but since this morning, I will think twice. did you do something? did I do something wrong? it seems that everything I do is the wrong thing. how come? I can't even answer you right. I feel like an idiot, all of the time. I try to do everything to keep you happy. how come I'm so bad at it? you said that we both came from awful places, but now you want to go back? and send me away? I'll die without you, you know. I've never known how real love should feel, the first time you held me in your arms, I felt so safe & secure. that's how I feel every time you hold me, and when we make love I feel like I never have before. you've shown me things I've never known, made me feel like a brilliant light shining over the world. I felt like I could do anything. it was beautiful, I've never felt so right. so beautiful. then you tell me I'm beautiful. and I could cry. you hold my face and tell me how much you need me if you need me, why are you thinking of leaving me? is it because I can't cook or play the guitar? I'd never ridden a motorcycle, you took me so far. I've never trusted anyone with my life, but I trust you. is it because I don't do drugs? I'm not thin and slim? I'm not able to finish without help? I have too much stuff. I can't do enough. never. does it not seem beautiful to you anymore? when we met, I thought I was just your next score. I would clean all day. do the dishes, wash clothes, vacuum, it's still not right. you come home and you are already mad. I like to work, you hate your job. you need a drink. I need a hug. why is it I love you so much? why am I so dependant, yet still feel like you need me to take care of you. you have never made me feel dirty, or like I want to hurt myself. but when you said I want out, it made me want to kill myself. is there any way you could change your mind? or are you just killing time. I never know what makes you feel right anymore, I try to be the best I can be, but it's still not good enough. I can't remember the last time you came to me for a hug, or offered to "give it" to me first. I try to kiss you and you push my head down. you know that's what I like to do, but sometimes I just need to be with you. I need you to hold me so very tight. kiss me and tell me it's all right. you sing and I can't tell if you are singing about me. I could just die right now. 2-13-03

I've had strange dreams in the past, but this one really blew me away. It's Sunday. I've had horrible headaches for two weeks now, little relief in sight, it seems. I took a long nap. waking up, I saw my arm laying out from my head (sleeping on right side). I could see my skin was gone, it was greyish - there were cork sized holes all in my arm, and I couldn't move it. there were little people, little, little people all around. they told me I couldn't get up until they put my arm back together. I saw bars of square steel. my arm hurts a bit now. I dozed off again. I don't know for how long, woke up - there were fewer holes in my arm, but they still weren't finished. I dozed off again. when I woke up the last time, I watched my arm seal itself back up. Starter thinks maybe my arm was asleep and it was waking up. I think it's a sign that something is wrong. really wrong. why had I had headaches? I've been so tired, I slept 10 hours, then took a 4 hour nap. I'm still sleepy and it's only 9:00pm. I don't hear the voices, I don't see things - what could be wrong with me? I just can't figure it out, maybe in time. 8-24-03

sometimes it's so casual that I don't even notice. other times it's so blatant it's like a slap in the face. I can't make you happy. there's no way. I see scenes racing through my mine like a bad movie. all these things in my life I had to suffer through so I could know just what to do to "save" you. my mind spins dizzyingly and no words come to my mouth. what can I say? it does no good to state the obvious. I just can't think out loud, I have the entire 2-way conversation in my head and it's concluded. done. but here in the "real world" - it's not done. not even close. it's like you can't stop rubbing a sunburn. you know better than having done it, and you know it was stupid. but here's this huge open sore and you just keep rubbing it. breathing on it like a thousand razor kisses. I often wonder if it really had any impact at all on me - am I selfish to think that it did? my mind is empty - what did I do? why not say it when it happens. I know all to well about letting things fester. how often have I said I was going to do it? and where is it at? that will? that power? I've forgotten. 11-23-03 11:17pm

as I press the blade into my skin, I think "this time, could really be the end". the harder I press the better I feel. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. everything is always blamed on me. we're a pair, a couple of twins. we came from one person, it seems. you get mad and say what you want. and what's been destroyed at my hand. I can't even begin to explain. something needs to give, not someone. 12-17-03 8:58pm

raving, whirling - colors swirling. his chest opens up and I reach around. grabbing his heart, I do not make a sound. deeply he breathes as he looks down. the only expression is a huge frown. how could you do this, he looks at me and asks. it's better for me that I have a chance. you always said you'd give it to me but now I'm not so sure. because the voice I heard last night, surely came from her. I could kill her without taking a step. her mouth falls open, and I realize with regret. it was she who made you happy - it was never me. I was only there to take care of you, that now I can see. I see the clouds are swirling, ever into a larger hole. blackness starts drifting around you - it's time for me to go. down the stairs, dig the hole. into the darkness her body will go. I will have to check back just to make sure it was really her. was it her hair, or was it her smile, all these things for her you went the extra mile. my mind it is empty - my heart it stands still. all of these things laid out before me, did I ever really feel? this magic inside, it's tearing me apart. all those things I took for granted, I now take to heart. it makes me feel empty, and so weak inside, to know that you don't care. either way I die. 11-10-04 11:42pm