Chapter One - The Funeral

She was standing, staring at the coffin that had just rested on its regulation six feet depth. The dirt sprinkled, never enough to cover the whole top of the coffin but sprinkled with the regulation words “remember man that thou art dust and unto dust thou shalt return”.

She thought of death, of freedom, of peace, it was somewhere she had been with the body that lay there that peaceful untouchable, unattainable place.

At the back in dark glasses and dark suit she stood, hopefully unrecognisable. Her heart pounded as she thought, they know my secret, they know my love my heart that will burst the energy that I have wasted and yet no-one said anything.

The distress she had felt ever since she had heard of this death had overwhelmed her and she just had begun to concentrate on one thing at a time and could not conceive of more than making it to the burial.

Gradually most of the other people at the burial had dispersed and she headed to face the coffin. She was aiming to say goodbye or something, but she knew her heart was fused with the one below the one that had stopped beating she knew her heart was branded, seared, marked.

I loved I hurt I am human, it screamed.

Come back I want you her heart cried

She didn’t need tissues it was her heart that was doing all the crying.

She remembered the times when she had measured the time of day by what possible encounters they could possibly manufacture. She would try to be in the right spot at the right time. She thought of everything in terms of the other person, essays, work, the future.

They loved the same paintings, the same music, the same jokes and the same way of acting, poetry, everything.

She stood there, unable to leave, stuck remembering.

Smiling, hurting she wanted to fill the six foot hole with her busy head with those feelings, thoughts everything, they were too heavy to carry anymore.

She couldn’t manage to order her thoughts, all she could do was remember and things had been flooding back to her since she heard of the death. There was no order to the way that they were remembered there were only overwhelming reminders, seemingly endless.

A straggler interrupted her and tried to introduce herself, someone she didn’t know.

“Where did you know Maria from?”

“University.”

“That’s some time ago, did you keep in contact much over the years?”

“By email mostly, I hadn’t seen her since 1989. Did you know her well?”

“Well I lived with her for the past five years”

“Was she happy?”

“Yes, very much so”

Her shoulders shuddered spontaneously, was that the cold wind, jealously or desire for something beyond telling.

“That’s good” she heard her voice saying.

“Why do you ask that question?”

“I guess, a housemate would know”

“Do you want to chat some more, some place a little more comfortable, maybe at another time?

“I’m not really sure.”

“It was just that you seemed to be saying quite an intense goodbye.”

She didn’t flinch, she was just standing there, laughing at herself could she ever show emotion, could she ever say I love you. Her head hurt and her heart longed for a second chance to hold her again in crazy devotion.

“Sure, I mean, maybe, I am not sure what I am doing”

“Here is my card.”

“Thanks.”

“Take care, what was your name?”

“Kate”

“Sure, see you maybe”

Kate turned back to the grave with a smile on her face and her mind went straight back to talking to the body that lay below.

She remembered another time, a goodbye, many years ago from this moment. Maria was sick and Kate was keeping her company and they were alone in Maria’s room. Kate sat on the floor next to the bed originally facing away from Maria and Maria had made her turn her face towards her and had fallen asleep looking at her holding out her hand for Kate to hold. Kate had sat there holding waiting hoping that the cold or whatever ailment Maria had was not making her hurt too much.

Gently holding her hand waiting for Maria to sleep Kate noticed that the sun had gone down outside and stood to go to get home before she got in trouble for being home late. As she turned to go to the door, Maria’s hand all of a sudden grabbed hers and held her. Kates heart jumped what could she do, stay and get in serious trouble or leave her love to suffer alone. Her heart broke she knew she had to leave, she danced her fingers across the palm of the hand that had grabbed hers. She didn’t turn around, just let her hand say you know I have to go you know I want to stay, it will be fine, we see each other again soon.

That feeling of leaving Maria was still very close in Kate’s heart, still a raw feeling. There was so much still that Kate wanted to tell that body now encased in wood and sitting six feet below where she stood, she couldn’t think of how she would end telling her all the things she wanted to tell her.

Kate’s heart was still crying without consolation.

Strangely enough Kate was thankful when a chill ran through her body and she knew it was already past the time when she should have left the cemetery. So she left, it struck her as poetic, she would simply keep wanting the person below without there being any opportunity for something to eventuate, death was the continuation of what she could not have in life. The irony was not lost on her.