Try on My Shoes

JULY 5TH 2007 I know, I know, I haven't blogged in a while. I have a good excuse. I was dead. Well, not literally dead, but mentally dead. I had a 24-hour migraine lasting from Sunday through Monday and Monday night, Michael had to call 911 to get me to the emergency room because I kept passing out from pain. I was having severe abdominal pain, which may or may not have been a side effect of a prescription migraine medicine. The ER was inconclusive about what was causing it, but gave me some wonderful painkillers. I've pretty much been "floating" through the last few days. Michael has been a wonderful caretaker. He took Tuesday off to be with me. I am still having extreme pain, and my headaches have not gone away. I'll be calling my doctor in a few minutes to get another appointment, and then work to let them know that I probably won't be in for a while. :(
I just wanted to let you all know what was going on. I'll be fine. I've been through worse before. I'll keep you updated.

JULY 9TH 2007 Well here it is, another day after another night in the emergency room. At least this trip didn't involve an ambulance! (I asked Michael if the ambulance arrived with the lights on; thank gods they didn't!) Last night was a little more interesting. Partly because I can remember it. They did more tests. They did a sonagram, which came back fine. They tested my blood in all sorts of ways. Which also came back normal. The doctor I had was MUCH nicer than the first one I had, and sat and explained everything to me. She even got copies of my laparoscopy results (from when they thought I had endometriosis) and went over them with me. They DID find spots on my uretur (did I spell that right?) but because of where it is, they didn't do anything about it. So I'm not sure if it IS or ISN'T endometriosis. Guess it's time to go see another doctor, seeing as how I have a copy of the report in my hand.
Michael and I were talking about me going to see a homeopathic doctor, and it's not that I haven't thought about it, actually I have gone to one, it's just I can't really afford to for long periods of time. And insurance companies don't really encourage that kind of thing anyways, they want as much money as humanly possible! But, if anyone has any recommendations for a homeopathic practitioner (in my area) I am willing to go check him/her out.
Well, I'm going to go crawl back into bed. They gave me morphine in the ER last night, and although it erased my pain, it also erased my ability to sleep. I've been in a foggy haze watching the Muppet Show reruns all night. I'm a little bit sleepy. I just took a Percoset for my head (which the doctor thinks is a side effect of the Topamax that I was prescribed for my migraines; which I'm no longer taking I might add) so now I'm getting sleepy and loopy. Michael is still in bed. He was up with me most of the night, and so I let him sleep in. He's so good to me. Makes sure I'm comfortable and have enough to drink. Even when he's working in the other room, he checks on me every 20 minutes or so. My mom sent me an email asking if he was a guardian angel. Makes me wonder... seeing as my guardian angel is named "faceless Mike" and I have never seen his face. I always believed he was older than me... I'm not going to put more thought into it. Michael is what he is, and for whatever reason, he's in my life and I will fight to continue to have him in my life.

JULY 10TH 2007 Blog. That's what makes my day. Blogging. Weird isn't it? Well, anyways. New information. I went to my Doctor's today, even though my doctor is on vacation, (as in vacation-like-gone and not just kickin' it at home with the kids) which makes things so much more complicated. Anyways, I still have that stupid UTI infection, and I STILL have that damn headache. So if people weren't concerned before, they are now. It's been eight days. I know, I've been counting. So the nurse, G, who is one of the coolest people in the medical field I might add, did some calling around and found that I really should get an MRI done. That should have been when I was at the hospital, but whatever. So, she called my insurance company aka the Devil, and I was able to go in today to get an MRI done. I really hope I don't get buried alive, that would be torture. How did I jump to that you ask? Well, have you ever had an MRI? You get strapped down to a table, your head is in a little box-like thing so it can't move, and then a "cage" is strapped down over your whole head so you can't move. As if that wasn't enough bad enough, your table-thing gets slid into a huge tube that makes tons of noise. (They actually give you earplugs it's so loud!) Yeah, scariness for like, thirty minutes.
Anyways, Michael and I are going to take a trip to the bookstore for some new reading material, and possibly something for our visual entertainment as well, so I should go. I'm also out of fresh veggies, so we'll probably stop at the store on the way home. My life is so exciting isn't it?

JULY 11TH 2007 I don't even know what day today is. Michael and I actually had a discussion as to which day it was. And then I forgot the word for "chicken". Kind of scary. I'm forgetting more and more recently. I have a hard time saying certain words. I can't remember things that have just happened to me. Could it be the pain medication? Sure. Could it also be what I fear it might be, localized seizures? Sure. I'm trying not to focus on it too much. I made a joke of it with Michael... "Would you still love me if I forgot who you were?" He said he'd remind me everytime. Reminds me of "50 First Dates." (Really cute movie, if you haven't already seen it.) Surprised I even remember it!
So Michael and I are in the middle of making dinner. I just sent him out to get lettuce. Of all things, we ran out of lettuce. We are having an artichoke (I've never had one before!) with some kind of dipping sauce, romaine lettuce with hummus, baby vine tomatoes, and feta with pita bread, a garbanzo bean salad I made (chickpeas, onions, cilantro marinated in italian dressing) with a fruit salad drizzled with raspberry glace for dessert. Come on over if you're hungry! :) It's nice to have someone to cook with, and who enjoys eating the results with me. We even got into a lettuce fight earlier. That's not the reason we're out of lettuce- it was all wilty and some was slimy. (I wasn't allowed to throw the slimy stuff.) It was fun acting like morons throwing lettuce at each other across the living room. Wiggles had a blast eating it off the floor. (I think that was part of the fun of throwing it, was knowing we didn't have to worry about picking it up!)
I didn't do much today besides sleep and read. I've been working on the fifth of the "Dune" series, but I think I'm starting to get worn out. I've also been reading "Don't Know Much About History" but the book is huge and it's taking me awhile. I'm at the Korean War right now, so I've gotten pretty far. I'm hungering for new fiction though. We were at Bookman's earlier this week, but I'm so out of it all the time, if I don't have something specific in mind I end up just walking around in circles. I did end up getting the first three in a series of manga called "Tuxedo Gin" which is about a guy who ends up dying in an accident and comes back re-incarnated as a penguin to be with the girl he loves... It's definitely interesting. Slightly weird, but what do you expect from Japanese pop culture? Anyways, Michael is back from his lettuce-getting trip, so back to the kitchen I go.

JULY 14TH 2007 Well. I have no moods. It has been "Blah" for most of the last week and progressing over into this week. There have been days of extreme discomfort and days of grouchiness, but for the most part; blah. How am I supposed to be having any kind of mood when I barely have any kind of life. I live the same life as my dogs right now. We sleep. We eat. We go to the bathroom. We sleep more. And we get all excited when Michael comes home. Yup, that's it. Although, I don't do so much of the eating-thing anymore. I always feel like I'm going to throw up. Lovely feeling.
I have trained myself to read with one eye. When the vision goes in my left eye, I have this way of turning my head so I only see out of my right eye. It takes a long time to read, but it's better than nothing. I swear I've been through every DVD and VHS we own twice and back again, so there's nothing left to do but read. I have a hard time with eye-hand control, so sewing or writing, things of that sort just get frusterating after a while. Yup. Fun life I'm living. I don't even like to listen to music anymore. I don't really know why. I guess I just always relate music to "good" or "bad" parts of my life and "dull" isn't a category I have a soundtrack to. I've become really good at hearing though. I can hear the tiniest sounds. Well, they say when you loose one sense you gain strength in another. So I like to have the house silent so I can hear the little noises... Wiggles breathing (from across the room); the pull-thing from the ceiling fan is clinking around 'cause the fan is on high; the neighbors are watching tv; the computer is humming. It's bored too.
I had a hard time falling asleep last night. It's happening more and more. I know it has something to do with the fact that I'm not active, so I get rest all day, but mostly I just want to sleep to escape the pain. Apparently, no such luck. So in addition to being in pain, I also am to be bombarded with repressed memories. Great. Could my life get any better?! No, don't answer that question. Let's see, I cried for past relationship, loved ones that have left this world, things I have no control over (such as my death!) and a whole bunch of other crazy crap. Yup, my brain is being eating my mutant algea.

JULY 16TH 2007 ovely, just lovely. Yes, it is raining. Finally. I've been waiting for days. I've turned off the A/C and have the patio doors open so I can listen to the thunder and the rain. I don't care about the humidity. Wiggles is sitting in front of the open doors with the rain spray hitting his butt. (He's weird.) Petunia is hiding under the chair next to me, as she's afraid of thunder. If it gets really loud Wiggles will get freaked out too. Michael is sleeping in the other room. I'm not sure why, but he came home from work early. He went straight to bed. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that he was up watching Battlestar Galactica until 3am? Hmmm.
Well, I contacted my doctor this morning. My MRI results are in. They came back "mostly normal". There are spots that are "probably cysts" but the on-call doctor "wasn't too worried" about them. I quote, because that is what I wrote down from our phone conversation. I didn't want to forget the important stuff. I have an appointment with a neurologist on next Tuesday. Not sure what he'll do, but he better give me something to stop the pain. My doctor "couldn't justify" giving me more pain medication. Maybe the fact that I'm in pain? I seriously have no clue as to what I'm going to do without my pain meds. NO, I'm not addicted. You try living with sight in one eye and only being able to comprehend small things, and having a raging pain in the left side and sometimes (more often than not) also in the right side of your brain, and you tell me how you get along without something to dull the pain. Sorry, was that mean? I'm still feeling grouchy. I'm just really tired of feeling helpless. I want to be able to get up and sew or read, or mess around on the computer at least. Do you know how long it takes me to write these blogs? The delete button is my best friend right now.
Well, I'm going to get back to watching the rain. It's coming down sideways. (Well, that doesn't make sense, but you know what I mean) and who know how long it'll last. We have to worship what little rain we get here in the desert. I wish I could go run around naked in it, but living in an apartment complex, I'm sure that's frowned upon.

JULY 20TH 2007 Well. The end of the week. Friday. Which for most people means the enjoyment of two days of. For me, it means four more days until I find out what is in my brain (besides my brain) and hopefully, get some relief from these tear-jerking headaches. I've been taking this stuff, hydromorphone, which doesn't really relieve the pain, just kind of buffs the edges of it, but it leaves me clearer in the thinking department. Although I still can't see really well, at least I am having an easier time computing and staying awake than with the oxycodone.
I've spent today working on my novella. Have I mentioned my novella before? I started working on it last time I was "house-ridden" for weeks/months, and so I figured I pick it back up again. It's been stored on my laptop, so I can work on it anywhere, and I'm using an easy to read font in size 18 so I can see it better. I've got the typing skills, so I really don't even look at the keyboard or the screen too much. I pretty much just zone out and let the words run from my fingers. I've gotten pretty far, and today I spent alot of time re-reading, proof-reading, and I've added some new things. I was getting in touch with my characters again. I have their stories and characters already drawn out and written down so I don't confuse myself, which was good thinking on my part when I started. Now I don't have to remember so many details or try and remember things (my brain is like a sieve now-a-days.) The beginning of the story is up on www.writerscafe.org, so if you're interested you can head on over and read the little bit that's up. It's all copywritten on that site, so don't try and steal it!
Michael has been driving all over town buying the first two seasons of Battlestar Galactica. I've created a monster! He's been wanting to watch the pilot over again, but luckily I've been able to talk him out of it. Today he finally broke down and went out and found season two. But I had to plead with him NOT to watch season two before he watches season one. They are like two seperate shows with the same characters; you really have to watch them in order. Then I had to call around to see if I could find season one in town. Now he's back off to the other side of town to buy it. I have a feeling this will be a weekend of BG. A non-stop marathon. Not that I mind. I heart me some Battlestar.
Anyways, now that I have a few minutes before Michael gets back and the marathon begins, I'm going to keep working on the story. I just took another pill, so my headache should receed in a few minutes. It just sucks that I can only take one of these kind every six hours. Criminy. Oh well. Back to writing. Is it still considered writing if I'm typing on the computer? Whatever.
JULY 22ND 2007 Well. Whatever day it is, I hope it is nothing like yesterday. Yesterday I was intense pain. I called my sis to see if she had any left over pain meds, so I wouldn't have to go to urgent care. She didnt', and Michael and I even discussed going to Mexico to buy some. Finally I just decided to go to Urgent Care. Went to Urgent Care. Talked to Nurse. Talked to Doctor. Talked to Doctor again. In turn, Doctor talked to other Doctor who talked to other Doctor. Finally talked to first Doctor again. Was decided that I would be sent over to the Emergency room, as the symptoms I had/have (loss of vision, tingling in arms and legs, severe headache for almost a month) were more than the Urgent care could handle and were potentially quite serious. (Finally, somebody besides myself thinks those are serious symptoms.) So over to the ER I go. Again. Amazingly enough, I get my own room, with a tv, and a bathroom; a rare luxury in a hospital ER. Doctor in, IV in, Doctor out, Nurse in, blood out, ect., ect. Finally, nice sleepy drugs. Demerol. I've never had that before. Yum. I wish I could bottle that stuff up and bring it home. :) Sidenote- I was by myself. Michael had dropped me off and picked me up. It was fine, seeing as how I was sleeping anyways, and he had work to do. A few hours later I woke up and the nice Nurse (one I had had before) sent me home with a prescription for oxycodone. Thank the Gods.
So, back home I go to sleep in a weird state of oblivion. Just waking up now, and my brain is still feeling furry. I'm drinking a little bit of coffee to try and scrape the edges off. I'm not really supposed to have coffee, but I just need a little tiny bit. I've stil been working on my story, but I may have to take the day off. Not really sure yet. Anyways, I'm going to go back to my happy state of blur.
Oh, by the way, you're probably wondering if they did anything at the hospital. The answer, as usual, is nope. They said it wasn't an "emergecy" seeing as how these symptoms had been going on for almost a month. But when I was there after having these symptoms for a week and two weeks they tell me it's not a big deal as it hasn't been going on for long enough to merit anything abnormal. Yes, a huge catch-22. And of course, they tell me to follow up with my doctor, who tells me to go to Urgent Care, who then tells me to go to the Emergency room, who then tells me to go to my doctor, who then... well you get the idea. I am really beginning to lose faith in modern medicine. I should just pack up and go to a small town in China where they will make me drink nasty tasting liquids and stick needles in my skulls ,and then viola! I'm all cured. All I have to do now, is get to China.

JULY 27TH 2007 Well. I had a therapist appointment today. She's very proud of me. Apparently I'm being very strong. I don't feel so strong. I feel like a little tiny ant. But I guess that's not a good metaphore, seeing as how ants are considered one of the strongest creatures on earth. I mean, those things can carry some heavy crap. So, maybe my therapist is right. Maybe I'm an ant. Maybe God or Whatever only gives you what you can handle, and I'm just the right kind of person with the spirit of an ant to carry this kind of burden. And have you noticed that it takes a lot to kill an ant? Especially the big ones; you really have to step on them. Well, guess what? I guess you'll just have to really have to step on me. I may be small in body, but I've got the spirit of a big ant. And I bite too. Push me enough, and I'll bite real bad. Just like an ant, I've got buddies, little ant buddies, that help me with my burden. They break it down and help me carry it. I haven't found my "Queen" yet; my God, or Buddah, or Tao, or Whatever you want to name it as, but I know it's there, helping me and my ant pals with our daily tasks. And if I hang in there long enough, stick it out and fight back when I get stepped on, someday I'll meet the Queen.
I like to compare myself to bugs, huh? Maybe I should have been an entemologist. No. I couldn't deal with the big creepy crawlies. I guess it's just easier for me to look outside of myself to understand what's going on. Weird, or whatever.
I've been spending a lot of time on my novel. I've posted quite a bit on writerscafe.org. It's my same name, so check me out. I'm trying to decide what to do now. Do I finish it, and then try and get published, or send out excerpts from it and hope someone likes it and wants to pay me to finish it? Either way, I'm going to finish it. I'm determined to finish it. At least I've decided on something solid in my life.

JULY 28TH 2007 Well. I'm tired. I got home not too long ago, and I've just had something to eat. Now I'm going to do some writing (if my brain is up to it) or watch a movie. Everything is in the hands of my brain. Interesting picture, huh?
Well. Another painful day. A painfully long day. I still can't sleep. I've tried sleeping pills now. No luck. I swear, when I (finially) die I will be very well preserved on the inside from all the medications I've ingested.
No new news about my condition. I'm tired of fighting for it. This ant is pooped. Yes, I'll admit it, I'm depressed. I'm very depressed. I've been there for a long time, and the longer this continues the farther and farther I find myself falling. I was scared, at the beginning, asking myself, am I going to fall into that suicide trap again? No, I was strong. Am strong. But I'm losing my grip. I really am. I won't lie. It's past the time for lies. I've been screaming for a long time, and nobody has heard my cries, so what does it matter if I tell the truth? So have I fallen into the suicide trap? Let's just say that my leg is getting closer to the cheese. (I'm now using a mousetrap metaphore.) I see the cheese and it looks so good. But I'm not stupid. I see the wire that surrounds the cheese. Do I really think it won't hurt when the bar comes down and I see my friends and family wince as it breaks my back? But then it's the fight for the weak or the strong the pain of life or the pain of the cheese. Which do I choose? I've thought about the cheese. Yes. I've thought much about the cheese. But I've also thought about the people that have to pick up the pieces. The people that will torment themselves asking why? Why did this happen? Why did she do this? Why didn't someone help? What could we have done? What could you have done? What could you have done, you ask as you pull the mouses' crushed body from beneath the bar; cheese still gripped in it's little hand. What you could have done is listened to those silent screams and stopped assuming that someone else would hear them.