Journey in the Shadow of God

Journey in the Shadow of God

I am told that God loves me. I have been told that God knows what is in my heart. If this is true, then shouldn’t he know the uncertainty that lies therein? I am a good person. I am kind, I am compassionate, I am empathetic and sorrowful, I am loving. Knowing these things, should not God make his presence known to me? Are not my deeds deserving of a small nudge in His direction? Is it not expecting too much that one of his children must blindly leap in a seemingly arbitrary direction, when presented with countless others? Show me you are there, God. Show me anything. Please! Don’t let me wander! Don’t let my soul sleep! Awaken me! Please, God! I’m begging you!!! I am begging you.
No? Nothing? LIAR! What kind of god would be so neglectful, so cold and distant, so relentlessly deficit? What kind of god would turn an innocent child away? What kind of god would push a loving son into an eternity of torment? I suppose I am not such an angel after all, then. This is what God does to those he hates, so hate me he must. Good? No! Horrible! So, horrible I will be. I shall hate you back with all the spite and fire in the world. Depraved and vicious I will wander this earth looking for the lamb to molest—I will tear it to pieces. And with blood in my teeth, I will fornicate with all manner of sin. I will be the worst dream; that sudden, hot, sweaty flash of unthinkable, unbearable, unmistakable disgust and putrid evil that His children force back into hell…slamming the door shut with a shutter and praying the soul has not been made corrupt. I will be him. I will be Him! What do you have to say to that, God? I shake my fist and piss on your name, and still you let me stand here, defiant, disgusting, inhuman. You are weak! Weaker than I. You will not show your face? I have made myself a monster. I have made myself target for your wrath and hatred. Where is your lightning bolt? Where is your quake to split the earth and suck me into damnation? Where is your hand upon my throat?! Show yourself! Let me see you here, if not there!!! God damn it! Where are you, God??!?! This I have done FOR YOU! That I have done FOR YOU! To know you, to find you….and you still turn your back. He still turns his back! It still turns its back. I still turn my back. But not on God…now I turn my back on god….on gods. I turn my back on that which is not there, and so I turn it on nothing at all, and so I do not turn my back. Instead, I face the world…the light…the light of the world, the light of day. No longer in the shadow of God, or god, or gods. The light of day, the light of night, the light of love, the light of knowledge, the light of that which is not heavy…without weight….without burden….without cross, care, or curse….content….full….happy….happiness. Finally.