How to get rid of the body?

How to get rid of the body?

The murder bit’s the easy part. As long as you’re fairly quiet, or use a gag, you can spend as long as you like. At home. Nice comfy surroundings. You know where everything's kept. Everything you might need. Took a lot of thinking through, though, beforehand. The plastic sheet on the bed was a good idea. Not very nice to work on, but when they’re terrified, bodily functions can come into play.

A quick rinse, a deodorant spray, and Bob’s your uncle.

In a way it's a shame she had to die when she did, but frankly, I'd run out of ideas. You can only play for so long then you start repeating yourself. I didn't want that. Still, I was fairly inventive by anyone's standards. It'll linger in the memory that's for sure. I'll be better next time.

Now, think! How to get rid of the body? What did the others do. The well known ones. The fact they got caught doesn't mean they didn't have any ideas. After all, some of them got away with it for years. Perhaps they were just sloppy when it came down to the detail. I certainly won't be. Most of them were as thick as shit!

Bury it? You've got to get it out the flat first. You can't exactly bury it here. It'd be a hell of a shock for Mrs Perkins downstairs. Flush it in bits? - Neilson did that. It doesn't bloody work! Congealed fat and gory bits and pieces trapped in the waste. You can't afford to move, can you?

Make a list, and make notes.

1) Take it out whole. In a suitcase or something. Need to fold it up as small as possible. Better do it before rigor mortis sets in.

1a) At night! - No, stupid! A bloody great suitcase, now weighing nine stone something, down the stairs in a block of flats at night? How suspicious is that?

1b) During the day? Audacious! If stopped by a neighbour I could be going on my holidays. - Brilliant, bonehead! Then where are you going to stay for the next two weeks? In a tanning salon?

1c) Wait for rigor, and roll it up in a carpet. Hire a van and park it outside, and away! - Roll it up in a carpet? And what will you say to the landlord next month when he does his six monthly inspection? I'll bring the carpet back. Say I've had it cleaned.- Oh, for goodness' sake! Too many details. Too many things to go wrong. Keep it simple!

2) Chop it up and take it out in a series of packages. Carrier bag size. Stick them in waste paper bins all over the city. Could probably do it in ten bags. Two days max! - No! Not in London! One full carrier bag in a waste bin and some busybody will mark you out as a mad bomber. Ring the police. Your face will be all over the ten‘o’clock news with three quarters of the body left in the bath.

3) Chop it up small. Take it out piecemeal. Not too often, mustn’t be seen to change my habits. Maybe just a little bit each time I go up to the shop, and the pub, and the Chinese. Just the same as normal! Use Tesco's "carrier bags for life". (A touch of ironic humour  never hurt anyone.) They’re all the same. Take a spare and then I could dump one and bring back something in the other, fish and chips, a bottle of beer, a tin of corned beef. All nice and normal! - It’d take about a month doing it like that! Think of the smell!

You should have thought this through before you killed her in a flat. You can't change it now. Can you?

Oh, bugger. How am I going to get rid of the body?

How do other writers do it? I've been staring at the page now for hours.