lover's spit.

he always gets angry when i smoke
gradually inhaling suicide
into my lungs filled with poison
poison that i feel like i need
he always gets angry when i degrade myself
when i say im not pretty
or that im not strong enough
but he doesnt know what the fuck
ive been through
i am shy i am weak i am scared
and when im among large groups
at times i feel anxious
uncomfortable in my own skin
he doesn't know
that daddy paralyzed me patronized me
every moment that he could
he took away my dolls and gave me knives
to cut myself with
he took away my confidence and gave me cigarettes
so that i could kill myself
because i didnt deserve to live he said
he gave me a primary example of a man
someone who will forever make me feel
like i need to apologize for who i am
for the woman i have become
i was the hunted but he always made me
feel like the hunter
i was the victim but he always made me
feel like the predator
it's as if i was his clown
i must have been
because i am sought out by men like him
men who leave like him
and when they commit this act i become
an entire fucking cosmological joke
everyone laughs with their new wives
or new children or both and there
i remain
lifeless
just one more woman
who is a cutter
just one more woman
who cannot masturbate without crying
just one more fucking woman
who will not allow good people
to give her good things in this life
because she was cast into this role
he gave me this role to play.