The Happiness Of Those Who Believe

Snowing with silence... emptiness... loneliness... you find yourself outside, on the street, in your car... stuck in a huge trafficjam... trying to stay calm, you turn on the radio and just listen to some beautiful carols... you just want to get home already... staring at all the people outside, you wonder... what exactly makes you happy... where exactly you stand with your feelings towards everything around you... it saddens you even more, that you‘re aware of your sadness of not knowing how to be, who to be and why to be the way you think you should... you feel absolutely lost... you dont know what to feel and if it‘s right to feel the way you do... the traffic light finally turns green and the cars start moving again... You thought that Christmas was a rather enjoyable Holiday until... everything changed... your whole personality changed and you just cant seem to find Happiness in any of the small things like those involving Christmas anymore... Being such an extremist you tend to explore only the most intense feelings, both good and bad... You seem to be impulsive which is only known to yourself, but you actually think twice before acting... Everyday work, in this new city you hardly had time to explore, is the only thing which can make you forget all your uncertainties... This pains you very much... it‘s so hard for you to face your emptiness... that‘s why you‘re always running away... far... far away. Daydreaming a little more in pain you‘re almost home... you park your car in front of your house and get out... standing outside... in the chilly winter night everything seems so different... so mysteriously different that it brings up even more sadness in your eyes... Snow flakes dancing around you make you even more unconfident about yourself, yet still letting the silence around you calm you a little... you take a deep breath and decide not to go in... even though you now exactly that everyone‘s waiting for you... but you just can‘t face them... especially not today... on Christmas Eve... Letting go of this moment you start walking the other way... hoping that a little walk through the streets in the middle of the night could calm you somehow... and it truly did... you always loved taking long walks in the middle of the night... especially the in the cold ones... walking through the snow... through the street... through this everlasting silence... you finally have the chance to reflect on your feelings... with all your running away through working, you never had the chance to... trying to be as realistic as possible you find yourself analizing yourself again... falling way behind with walking... you start whispering to yourself... start talking to yourself... start asking yourself if this fear of failing as a human being will ever stop... this uncertainty is so heartbreaking for you... you‘d rather seize to exist or be reborn as a stray cat,  than live another day in this uncertainty... but you know that your exageration skills are very expanded... so you often think in all possible directions just for the sake of not missing something... this day gave you a headache... a heartache also... with Christmas and all on your mind... you can hardly decide what to think of first... noticing that you‘re completely alone on the street you continue whispering to yourself... looking at the beautifully gold shining street lights you take another deep breath again and continue walking... with no certain destination you keep on walking down the streets through your soul‘s silence and snow... shivering a little you find yourself asking where this terribly long street would end... you feel like you‘ve been walking for hours through these empty streets searching for yourself but still wondering through the dark alleies of your soul... you find yourself asking something again... you need to know if the perfection you crave for so long could truly be achievable... always caring about what people think about you, how to be, what to do and about all this insecurity caused by all of this, you really seem to be so terribly indecisive that you can‘t even be yourself... whatever that may be like... since you were just a child you craved for the appreciation of the ones you loved and truly cared about and of everyone else you knew... but even though you might have not felt any appreciation coming from anyone near you, you never gave up trying to do whatever you could to please people around you... mostly you even prefered hurting yourself than hurting others around you... all these questions in your heart are normal... as of course this thirst of yours to know absolutely everything about yourself and trying to understand yourself perfectly... you find yourself so hard to explain, that you sometimes end up thinking less of yourself and more of the fact that your straying character is the cause of your uncertainty... Deepend in all your thoughts you didnt even realize that you stopped minutes ago, dreamily glancing at a beautiful cathedral right in front of you... You never expected the street to end with a cathedral, which somehow made you want to go inside... the cathedral was so beautiful like you‘ve never seen any other before... The internal decoration simply made you feel...  so certain... so safe... so absolutely perfect inside that nothing else could ever equate this wonderful stunningly feeling... You sat down on the bench nearest to you and just continued looking around... you felt so good inside, like you weren‘t alone anymore with your feelings... the warm light around you was so stupefying that you simply couldn‘t resist coming nearer until you were facing all the sacred images... you didn‘t even notice that you weren't alone in the cathedral... all you cared about was this holy ambiance, which simply left you breathless... You suddenly kneeled down in front of the burning candles... you were surrounded by this warmth, which made all the snow flakes which survived in you hair melt... letting out a barely hearable sigh, you closed your eyes and just started thinking about everything you had on your mind... you never had the chance to simply let everything out... you sometimes visited churches, but that was it... you never prayed or had any conversations with god in the church... you gathered so much pain and loneliness in your soul, that you were absolutely right to feel this uncertainty... but now that you finally had the chance to let it all out, to release all the inimaginable pain you felt all these years... you were so enthusiastic about it... that you hardly knew where to begin... when you finally had some kind of order in your thoughts... a voice startled you... it sounded so devine... but as you stood up slowly turning around looking right into that person‘s eyes... you could tell that he was a priest... you just smiled and walked towards him... passing him... you almost went out the door... when he said smiling with a devine warm voice... „The Happiness Of Those Who Believe... Truly Believe In Themselves And Know That They‘re Never Alone, Where Ever They Might Be... Their Feelings Will Be Always Percepted By God So What Ever Thought You Might Share He Already Knows It... Wanting To Find Yourself So Desperately You Came To The Only Place You Thought You Could Finally Release Your Soul‘s Sorrows... Now That You Stepped Into The Light Your Darkness Falls Behind And Your Burdens Vanish Into Oblivion... Sometimes We Simply Need A Cold Winter Night, Even Christmas Eve To Realise Where We Stand...“ his words made you feel so much better, that you simply had to smile... You turned around and said with a smile, which made you look like you‘ve been reborn like a devine Phoenix, which had risen from its ashes... „Thank you for your Guidance...“... you took a last deep breath and walked into a new world... a new life...