Addict. A letter to Gran.

This is my first try at submitting an item. Well actually it's my second, but I deleted the first one after about 3 minutes!


Dear Gran,

Just writing to let you know that we are all doing well. If you note the time you will see that I am typing this letter at 4 in the morning. That's because I ran out of sleeping tablets, and you know I just can't sleep without them. Anyway I was sitting here enjoying a coffee, (you know I'm useless without it,) and I thought "I know what I'll do, I'll write to Gran!," and do you know Gran? I just realized, I  can drink coffee, smoke a cigarrette, and type, all at the same time!

Firstly I want to allay any fears you might have about the proceeds of the sale of your  house. I know you will be worrying yourself sick about it, but you don't have to, really you don't, because it all went very well. The money has been divided equally between all of us, and Gran, we are so thankful to you. Our only regret is that there wasn't enough money left over to buy you a proper wheel chair, but Aunty Rose said it would only be a waste because you probably won't be around for much longer.

I did suggest that maybe a new set of legs would be nice, (since you haven't got any,) but Aunty Rose said that if we brought you a set of legs, then we would have to buy shoes, stockings, etc, etc, and it could have ended up getting quite expensive! Anyway I hope you like the soap and powder.

 
Now I know you had particular concerns about 'certain family members,' especially  Uncle Peter, but believe me Gran he has invested his money very wisely. You will be happy to know that he is now the proud owner of a real live, soon to be champion,  thoroughbred race horse! You know how he always wasted his money betting on other peoples horses? Well now he only wastes money betting  on his own horse. A very wise move if you ask me.

Cousin Sally did one of those courses on the internet and now she has a degree in accounting!  She is still working  in the toy department at K Mart, but only so she can practise adding up and stuff like that.  Anyway she's been hard at work making her money grow. She reckons that if she keeps playing the pokies every afternoon after work that sooner or later she will get a major jackpot. When she does she's going to reinvest it in the pokies until she gets another jackpot. Based on this theory, she estimates that she will be able to play the pokies for ever and ever, or next week, whichever comes first.

Bobby has used his brains for once and totally remodelled his house with his share of the money. You know how it used to have five bedrooms? Well now it only has four. He has invested his money in the exotic plant industry and that old bedroom has been made into a special room for growing plants. I don't know what sort of plants they are but they must be expensive because he say's he's going to make thousands and thousands of dollars when they start producing buds.  Also, all of this is supposed to be a secret and I wasn't supposed to mention it. So, if you see Bobby please don't mention that I mentioned it.

I know you have heard all about Sarah,  but honestly Gran would you ever have imagined that your youngest Grand Daughter would ever have become famous? And it's all thanks to you Gran. Let's face it, she never would have been able to win that Wet T Shirt competition if it wasn't for the boob job and the liposuction and the nose job and the brow lift and the chemical peels and the Botox injections and so on and so on. Or should I say 'sew on and sew on.'

I probably shouldn't mention this Gran but Ricky and Brian got into a really big fight when they got their money. Ricky said that because he only smokes pot that his money would last a lot longer than Brian's would because Brian prefers heroin. Anyway they sorted it all out with a tyre lever and It's all forgotten now because Ricky can't remember a thing.

Little Susie was over the moon when she got her money.  You know how she always loved to eat? Well she went on a 'Gourmet Travel Holiday,' and she just had the best time.  She likes to tell people that she  'ate her way around the world,' but to look at her you would think she had, eaten her way around the whole universe! Oh and by the way, we call her Big Susie now.

Aunty Cheryl decided that she would use her share of the money to travel. I don't know where she is because she was acting all crazy and I was too frightened to ask.  All she said was, "I'm gonna blow the lot on Ice," and nobody has seen her since. I suppose she's in Antartica or somewhere like that. Anyway, wherever she is I hope them horrible people have stopped following her.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you that I don't like Beryl anymore. I know she's my sister but honestly Gran she says the most horrible things. Last week, at Tuesday night  bingo, she said that Billy was a speed freak. This really upset me Gran because poor Billy doesn't even drive!  Anyway I'm not going to Tuesday,  Wednesday, Friday or Saturday bingo with her again.

You will be so proud of cousin Tina Gran. You know how she used to drink Bourbon all day and all night?  Well not anymore.  When she came back off her last bender she decided to join A.A. Thankfully, the day before she was supposed to sign up she just happened across an article in a magazine stating that red wine was actually good for your heart. So now she drinks red wine all day and all night and has a very healthy heart into the bargain.

Well that's it for now Gran. I have to get the kids out of bed and dressed. Bob and I are going to the Lucky Grand Casino today. We are meeting  Uncle Ted and Aunty Dot there and according to them if you get there early enough you get breakfast for free! The Casino also offers vouchers for 4 hours free childminding  with every $500.00 of gaming chips purchased. So we have calculated that with Uncle Ted's, Aunty Dot's, and mine and Bob's vouchers the kids can stay there for 16 hours! Bob reckons that 16 hours is all it will take to win back the $5.000.00 we lost  there last Friday. The best part of the day will be that the kids get to play with complete strangers all day long and of course we get to spend quality time with Uncle Ted and Aunty Dot.

Bye for now Gran and, once again, thank's for everything.

All my love

Maree

PS, I put that bet on  'Lucky Legs' in the fifth at Newcastle for you but it came fifth. At first I thought that  'Lucky Legs' was a funny name for a horse but then I realised you picked it because you would like to have some lucky legs of your own.  Uncle Peter's horse is racing in the 3rd at Ascot on Saturday if you're interested. It's almost a dead certainty to win, because he never would have sold your  wedding ring on Ebay to put that big bet on if he didn't think it had a strong chance.

PPS  I checked your Lotto, Powerball, Oz Lotto, and Pools numbers for you but you did no good. However, you did win $10.00 in the $2.00 Jackpot lottery and a free ticket on the instant scratchie. Oh and I almost forgot, you're coming second in the footy tipping competition and you picked up $18.00 at the Greyhounds when 'Two Feet Left'  got up for 3rd. Oops sorry, I meant 'Two Left Feet.'

PPSS. The Doctor phoned to let us know that he was increasing your morphine dosage. Please be careful Gran -  you know that morphine can be addictive.