Loving Anna

~ One ~


“Hey, what’s wrong, Anna?” Isabelle asked. I ignored my sister, not on purpose, of course just because I didn’t feel like talking. I concentrated hard on the scene before me as if Matthew McConaughahey and Kate Hudson’s turmoil were the most interesting thing I’ve ever seen. I desperately wanted to urge Kate’s character, Andie Anderson on, willing her not to give up on Ben, and vice versa. Maybe they didn’t know of one another’s bets, but the love was there…
Love. I grimaced at the word. I knew How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days would be a bad choice for movie night, but Isabelle hadn’t seen it yet. I’m not ready. I’m just not…ready.
“Anna?”
“Please, Izzy, let’s just watch the movie, ok?”
“Okay, okay.”
We watched for a few minutes in silence, well my silence…. I could hear Izzy chuckling every few minutes at the antics of Kate and Matthew on-screen.
I hiccuped. Izzy sighed.
I really didn’t intend to be the pain I knew I was being. I just couldn’t help it. I’ve been through so much these last few months and I didn’t want to walk on eggshells, and unfortunately Izzy was about to get the worse of it.
“Anna…” she said, tentatively. “If this is still too much for you, we can turn it off…”
“You’re enjoying it, Izzy.”
“You’re my sister. You’re more important.”
“Then stop.”
“Anna…Josh was you first love. It’s terrible what happened.”
“He was my only love.” I’ll never love again. I would never opened my heart up to another man only to have it all taken away so abruptly.
“Ann…you will love again. It’s just going take some time that’s all. I’m not mom. I don’t think you need a shrink. I just think…you need time.”
“Thanks for the diagnosis, Doctor, but if you don’t mind I think I just like to be left alone on this subject matter,” I said, angrily. “Its not like you could possibly know what I’m going through or what I’m feeling…”
“That’s true, Ann, I don’t, but I’m still here for you.”
“You’re the only one then. Even Josh left me.”
“Oh, Ann…” Izzy said, grabbing me in a hug so tight I could barely breathe. I struggled to get free. Finally, I shoved her away. Her eyes flashed with a mixture of emotions. First, hurt, then confusion, and lastly, concern. Concern for me. Everyone was concerned.
“Izzy, please…” I said. I knew what a sensitive soul my sister is, as so am I.
“Call me if you need anything, Ann, anything at all. I have to go,” Izzy said. She grabbed her sweater, car keys, and without looking at me, she left. If she did look at me I knew without a doubt I would see bright, shimmering pools of tears in her blue-green eyes.
While I was cleaning up after Izzy left, and I actually did finished the movie, heartbreakingly. It’s a cute movie and one that I had often enjoyed in the past. A few times with Josh, through he used to say: “Now, Anna, we always watch your chick flicks. How about something with a little more action?” But he always went along with whatever I wanted, not because he was whipped, but because also as he used to say: “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” He never wanted to fight. He had seen too much of that in his past. Josh had always regarded Anna as special and he always considered that falling in love with Anna was one thing he got right. He truly believed that he had one purpose to spend his time here on planet Earth and that was loving Anna.

~ Two ~
She changed into Josh’s pajamas and crawled into bed, clutching his pillow close to her chest. She sniffed it, willing that the lingering smell would bring him back. There was once a time when the scent of his cologne and shampoo remained on the pillow, now it smelled only of cotton.
“Josh…” I said, letting the tears flow freely down her cheeks now that Izzy had left and I was alone in my bed. I miserably wiped at the tears with the back of my left hand, choking back larger sobs, hiccuping, as I picked up the frame picture of Josh I kept on the bedside table. His deep chocolate brown eyes shone from the picture, his smile picking up my spirits immediately as I traced the picture with my forefinger remembering all the good times and the not-so-good times we had spent together, beginning with the first day we met.
“You’re new in the town, right?”
“Uh…right. We just moved here actually from New Bern, North Carolina,” fourteen-year-old Anna said, looking into the ruggedly handsome face of the first boy she has seen since moving.
“Maybe, well, if you’ll like, I could show you around. Ohio’s may sound boring, but you have to know how to work it…and Euclid might just be the biggest snoozeville…”
“Are you always this flirtatious around woman?”
“Just pretty ones.”
“How many ‘pretty ones’ do you know?”
“You’re the first, and that is not a line. My name’s Josh, by the way, Josh McAllen.”
“Anna DeWitt.”
Just like in all the nights before since Josh’s death, I cried myself to sleep.
I dreamt of car wrecks, metal-on-metal colliding, hospital smells, that awful way people look whenever you get bad news, and of running away, running and never looking back.




~ Three ~
“Ugh,” I said, waking up the annoying telephone ring with a bad and dry taste in my mouth. It felt all fuzzy and I wonder how I was going to talk, but I begrudgingly answer the phone.
“Anna.”
“Mom.”
“Izzy called.”
Great. Why can’t they let me grieve however long I need?
“Anna, it….”
“What, mom?” I said, tired and very much wanted to crawl back under the covers and fell back asleep.
“It been six months, honey.”
Here we go again.
“Mom, don’t do this…not again…please. My husband died in the worse possible way. I don’t…. I can’t…I won’t let him go.”
“Ann, have lunch with me today? Everybody else is busy. Won’t you keep your mom company and have a little lunch?”
How does mom always manages to get me to do exactly what she wants? Josh and I had been inseparable for so long, living without him is not easy.
“Anna?”
“Sure, mom, I guess.”
“Good, sweetheart, now get up and go shower. I’ll pick you up at 11:30.”
“Okay,” I said, weakly, looking at Josh’s pillow longingly.
“Good. I love you, honey.”
“I love you, too, mom.” If losing Josh has taught me anything it is never to take your loved ones for granted. I have always been pretty good at telling my family ‘I love you,’ but I’ve been careful to say it a lot more the past six months.
Hanging up the phone, and longingly staring at the pillows, I groaned. I knew I had better get up. 11:30 will be here before I know it. I pushed back the midnight blue duvet and slid on Josh’s slippers onto my bare feet. Warm and cozy, just like Josh.

In the bathroom I let the warm water wash over my body. I washed my hair with my favorite strawberries and crème shampoo and conditioner. Upon stepping out of the shower and wrapping a soft, dark green towel around my slender body. I looked at myself in the mirror.
Do I really look like that bad?
I peered closer at my reflection in the mirror. Even I could notice the sudden change in my looks. The dark circles under my once sparkly green eyes now downcast and sullen, the red puffiness in my cheeks, even my usually bouncy blonde hair looks limp…I’ll try blow-drying it, maybe that will make me feel better.
It didn’t.
It’s no use, Josh; I’m not pretty anymore. Maybe I only was for you, I thought sadly. I went demurely back into the bedroom and turned on the one guy who always stuck by me. Well, these days…
“Keith is possibly the one guy you love more than me,” Josh said in Anna’s reverie. He loved teasing me about my devotion to country superstar Keith Urban.
“Not true, honey,” I said sadly, letting the music take me away to a place where Josh would be waiting for me, but it never came.
“Not true, honey,” I said again. “I love you more, but you’re not here with me,” I said, tearfully, my emotions with the power of that particularly song bursting my dam once again. “You’re not here anymore, Josh.”
Once the song ended I quickly changed into street clothes, not caring what I chose. Who do I have to impress? I pulled on relaxed fit jeans; an old ACDC T-shirt of Josh’s striped toe socks, and sneakers. Again, I notice the change in my body; the jeans felt way too big, even more petite than I was and I knew I had lost weight. Probably more than was healthy, but I pushed the thought away. I could go eat breakfast right now if food hadn’t lost all of its appeal. All I really wanted was coffee. Well, coffee and Josh.
My eyes grew misty again with more tears…how many would I have to cry before I felt to move on. Move on? I felt like crawling in with Josh and dying myself. I shook away these morbid thoughts as I brushed my long blonde hair into a ponytail, and went for the coffeepot downstairs.
While I was waiting for the brew, I spied the mail in a pile on the hall table. I know Izzy and mom had been checking up on me, bringing in the mail, they took care of the important stuff and left the rest for me to sort through, I guess, whenever I felt up to it.
I started flipping after one advertisement after the other, not finally anything of particular interest. I couldn’t believe that my once full life had been reduced to this…a pile of junk mail, a few coffee cups in the sink, and a empty feeling in my heart.
The timer buzzed on the coffeepot signifying that the brew is finished. I poured a cup of the black liquid, added cream and sugar, and set back in the kitchen chair, holding the warm mug in my hands. As the warm sweet aroma quickly began working its magic on a person who didn’t necessary want to be awoken, preferring to stay in the dreams where everything was good and right when an interesting envelope stuck out from the rest all of the mail. I picked it up, turning it over in my hands. I had forgotten all about it until now.

~ Four ~
I sat at the table for quite while, it had seemed like an eternity, but there was the letter lying on the table as I clutched at the coffee mug in my hands as if it were a life preserver.
Why am I so nervous? Months ago this would have been good news…back when Josh was alive. It was a trip we would have taken together for an upcoming anniversary. It was supposed to have been our honeymoon. I can’t go alone. I don’t want to go to Australia without you, Josh.
Setting down my mug, I laid my head on top of my arms on the table. I tried desperately not to cry. I didn’t want to cry. I’ve cried so much already and with meeting my mom in a couple of hours I didn’t want to worry anymore than I already had. How can I take off for paradise without Josh…I couldn’t, could I? No, of course not…this was his trip planned for the two of us this summer and won’t go. I’ll return everything, the plane tickets, cancel hotel reservations, pay whatever fees for backing out and sit at home…and do what? Nothing, I realized absolutely nothing.
“What should I do, Josh?” I said, out loud, in the serene surroundings of my home. The home I had shared with Josh for almost three years. The home we had brought together. The home where we would have raised our children and grown old together…all that would never happen anymore…and that’s when I realized that there really wasn’t anything here for me. No husband to come home to, never any children to look after – we had only just began talking about starting a family when he died, sure there were my parents, Izzy, my brothers and their wives and children, but they didn’t need me. Not really.
Suddenly, Australia wasn’t seeming so bad….even without Josh. I could go for him because it will be what he wanted. I sighed, but wouldn’t that be running away? But, also, hadn’t I considered running away just last night? I shook my head, picked up my coffee cup and took a sip. The coffee was getting cold now as I reconsidered my decision. I saw my hand reaching for the envelope. I picked it up only this time I tore into it and very neatly at that, remind me of Josh yet again. I shifted through the colorful brochures, plane tickets, hotel confirmation, passports and a note…
Weird. I unfolded the sheet of notebook paper…and the one sentence stood out. It was written in Josh’s handwriting and I sucked in my breath and letting it out slowly.
I had my message and it was loud and clear.
“Thank you, Josh,” I said, tracing each letter of the sentence with my finger, gently, lovingly.
“I love you, Ann, let’s go to paradise.”

~ Five ~
Anna stopped in her tracks as she neared the outdoor café where she immediately spotted her mother and sister. She groaned, inwardly, praying that a simple brunch wouldn’t turn into some sort of convention into her psyche. I might as get this over with, Josh. I put on a smile and walked on to the table.
“Hello, mother,” I said. “Hey, Izzy, sorry about last night. I was just feeling sorry for myself…” And incredibly sad, I finished silently.
“Hey, no problem, Ann,” Izzy said, smiling. Anna had always envied the way Izzy could forgive and forget. Another reason why I made the decision that I did on the drive over here.
“Anna, how are you?” her mother asked, her voice dripping with concern. I toyed with my answer in my head, wondering if mom wanted the truth or to hear that I was fine.
“Okay, I’m here, aren’t I?” I said, tartly. “How’s dad?” At sixty-eight, Charlie DeWitt, had recently suffered a mild heart attack.
“He’s great…claims he’s bored already around the house and absolutely cannot wait to get back to the office,” Nora DeWitt said. “But having him at home had had its perks, too, and I realized how much I love having him at home with me.” Anna only smiled. As happy as I am for my parents, it made me sad thinking that I would never have that with Josh.
The waitress came and the girls placed their orders for iced lattes and Nora; iced water with a twist of lime.
“My girls and their coffees,” Nora said, smiling, as the waitress walked away.
“Mom, Izzy, I’ve made up my mind and I intend to follow it through…” I said. Then I told them about the trip which Josh and I had planned months and months ago, as I wrapped up my story I tried very much to keep mom’s frown out of my line of vision. I concentrated on Izzy instead; who was smiling a big ear-to-ear grin. The waitress came and set our drinks down in front of us and we proceeded to give her our orders. I wasn’t very hungry, but I knew I better eat something to please mom and Izzy, especially mom.
“I’ll have the blueberry pancakes,” Izzy said. Mom ordered an omelet and then it was my turn. I licked my lip, and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear, nervously, trying to think of something I saw on the menu.
“Uh…oatmeal and a small bowl of fruit,” I said. The waitress nodded and then left us alone.
“Ann, I don’t understand…you want to leave us?” my mother asked. She had a bewildered smile plastered on her face. The kind of smile that said “I’ll humor her, but she can’t possibly be serious.”
“I am, mom, I need to do this…for Josh. It’s what he would want I know it.”
“I’m with Ann,” Izzy piped up. “She has to go, mom.”
“Now, don’t gang up on me. I didn’t say you couldn’t, Annie. You’re twenty-six. You don’t need my permission.”
“No, but I would like your blessing…and…”
“And?”
“Come with me, Izzy, there’s two tickets here. It’ll be a shame to waste it. You’ll be back in plenty of time before NYU starts again,” I said. Since I obviously couldn’t go with Josh I wanted my sister to go with me and I wasn’t about to be deterred by my less-than-thrilled mother.
“Oh my god, really? I’ll go with you, Annie, of course I will,” Izzy said, a little surprise. Last night, Anna was guarded and protective of her feelings and today she was ready to pack up and head to Australia she had planned on going with Josh.
“Isabelle!” Nora DeWitt said, but she knew it was useless. Both her daughters were well past the “you’ll-do-as-I-say” phase. She knew that by asking Izzy to go with her, Anna was reaching out to her sister, and that was progress. Albeit, small steps, but steps nevertheless. She was extremely proud of both her daughters – Isabelle, twenty-four, a NYU grad student, and Anna, a writer who loves her husband with all of her heart and soul. If she could take away from her daughter’s pain and bring back Josh, a man she had considered another son, she would in a heartbeat and without a second thought.
“Mom?” Anna and Izzy looked on at her expectantly from across their lunch table.
“Have fun, girls, and watch out for one another,” Nora said, standing up and walking around the table, hugging her daughters, smoothing Izzy’s curly auburn hair. Nora hugged for Anna and Isabelle as if warding off any more pain or bad luck, which might have been thinking about coming their way.
“We will, mom,” Anna said.
“And have the time of our lives, too,” Izzy promised, catching her mother’s eye.
“Good,” Nora said.

After we ate our various brunches, okay after mom and Izzy ate, and I nibbled on my oatmeal and fruit platter, mom left us alone saying she had to pick up dad’s refilled prescriptions.
“Oh, I’m so excited,” Isabelle said. “Do you feel up to shopping for our trip? Please? I promise I won’t keep you out too long.”
“Sure, I need to pick up a few things anyway.”
“Cool!” Isabelle said, she started making a list. “I need to get a bathing suit!” I groaned, but this time it was good-naturedly. Shopping with Isabelle Alexis DeWitt can always be counted on for a good time and I knew that I had chosen the second most perfect traveling companion.
The first is, of course, Josh.

~ Six ~
“Hey, what’s Jeremy doing here?” I pointed out to Izzy. “He’s usually working at this time…” Jeremy DeWitt, single, twenty-eight and an investigative reporter was always on the go, always searching for the next big story or his ideal love interest, for the night anyway. However, he was especially close and protective of his sisters, Anna and Izzy.
“Hi Jeremy, what’s up?” Izzy said, joining him at his table in the middle of the food court, dropping her bags besides him. He had been hunched over his laptop, typing furiously. Like Anna, he learned from an early age that he process a knack for writing, but while Anna’s wrote mainly creative fiction and poetry, he was more on the logical and scientific side and always articles for various magazines around the country.
“Deadline’s coming up…I’m here instead of the office just for a different view,” he said, eyeing the shopping bags at his feet. “You girls had a busy day.”
“We had to get a few things…well, I had to get a few things, Izzy had to buy out the mall,” I informed him.
“Not the whole mall,” Izzy said with a roll of her eyes.
“How are you holding up, Ann?”
There’s that question again. What is ever the right answer that people wanted to hear?
“As good as can be expected,” I said.
“Well, if you need anything…anything at all…” Jeremy said.
“Thanks…” I said.
“Ann, you want to tell our brother?” Izzy quipped.
“Tell me what?”
“Ann and I are going ‘down under’.”
“Oh yeah?”
“I don’t really want to go into the details, but it’s a trip. I’ve…” I said, leaving Josh out of it, but Jeremy sensed what she meant. It was a trip she and Josh had planned on going together, before the accident. “To make a long story short, I invited Izzy to come with me.”
Good for Ann, he thought. He constantly found himself worrying about her these days. He, too, miss Josh everyday. Josh had been a very best friend to him and when he married Anna, the whole family had welcomed him into their circle.
“Jeremy?” Izzy said. “Are you still with us?”
“Yeah…I’m here,” he said, watching Anna. “Hey, I still think about him everyday, too. I loved him like a brother.”
At Jeremy’s honesty, I exhaled…I hadn’t realized I’ve been holding my breath. Not since the funeral had Jeremy talked so openly about it, but if anyone could understand it would be Jeremy. He was as close to Josh as she was; they were best friends. I collapsed into my brother’s arms, glad to have them around me. He hold onto me as if we alone could bring Josh back. I knew we couldn’t, no matter how powerful our hug might have been. I suddenly remembered Izzy, but she let us alone, looking through her afternoon purchases.
“God, Jeremy, why does it have to be so hard? I think about him all the time,” I said, stepping back. He rubbed my arm, big brotherly.
“I’m told it gets easier with time,” Jeremy said. I groaned.
“I know,” Jeremy said. “I don’t know if I believe it either, but it’s supposed to be true.” I wiped at my eyes.
“So, what are you going to do?” I asked, suddenly wondering if maybe I could get a third ticket. Maybe the trip would be good for him, too. Jeremy only shook his head.
“You and Izzy will have a great time without me,” he said. “Besides, I’m heading to Seattle on a story angle.”
“We will,” Izzy said. I’ll show Ann the best time of her life, Isabelle said, promising herself.
“You could send me email updates,” Jeremy said.
“I will.”
“I have to get this article finish and get it off to my editor,” he said, smiling as his dimple appears at the corner of his lips. He packed up his laptop, hugged me goodbye, and tousled Izzy’s hair as he left.
“It’s not you have unruly curly hair to worry about,” Izzy grumbled.
“Is there anything else you need?” I asked. Izzy’s face immediately brightened. Were we ever going to get out of here? If she was going to keep me here, a coffee, no, an espresso is probably in order…
~ Seven ~
Driving home later that afternoon, I considered mom’s and Jeremy’s question again: “How are you?” What kind of question is that and what kind of answer did people expect? I thought about this singing along to a country song on the radio – one of my favorites of Keith’s.
Truthfully, I would love to answer ‘oh I feel as if I’ve been through Hell, Jeremy’ or ‘I can’t sleep and I don’t feel like eating, mom, it’s like I’ve died with Josh.’ A part of me did die with him, I amended, but those kind of answers makes people turn around and stare at you, even those who you are closest to, especially those you are closest to, would stare as if I’ve just grown a second head or a third eyeball. I could come back with a sarcastic retort, something along the lines of: “yeah, when your husband dies, call me and then we can talk.” Again, that would make people recoiled and most likely walk away angrily and I don’t want to that either. Does anyone ever discover the appropriate answers to these kinds of questions? I highly doubt it, but maybe, someone has…someone who has a life for herself or himself in Siberia or somewhere else as isolated and they sitting around and contemplatively thinks about this question daily.
I pulled into my driveway to a two story brownstone house and I still couldn’t help thinking that this a little more than six months ago I would have been walking into Josh’s arms after a long day shopping with Izzy. The house was quiet…almost to the point of eerily quiet. There weren’t any sounds anywhere. I didn’t hear Josh walking around upstairs, or coming down the stairs to greet me with a kiss, or the sound of the radio clicking back to the country station from his favorite rock station.
I dropped my two bags by the door and savored in the reverie of Josh at the top of the stairs, dressed in jeans and a sweater I had given for his birthday one year. I saw him looking down at me with so much love in his indigo eyes. I wanted so much to run my fingers through his dark brown hair. I wanted to feel his kisses raining down on me…I wanted to kiss him and I wanted to tell him ‘I love you’…I blinked away the tears that were threatening to spill over any second. I’m a regular Niagara Falls, I thought.
“I have to get out of here,” I said, moving back towards the door. I stopped with my hand on the handle when the phone rung. “Izzy probably forgot something.” Then she remembered her sister having a date. What if it’s mom…or Josh’s mother, but I immediately brushed the thought away. I haven’t talked to her since the funeral, I thought, scooping up the phone and cradling it under my ear.
“Hey, Anna.”
“Jeremy,” I said, I held my other hand out in front of me and noticed that I was shaking. “You want to do something tonight?” Please say yes, please say yes…
“Are you sure…”
“I can’t stay here.”
“Then let’s go out. I’ll come by and pick you up in about fifteen minutes. Is that quick enough for you?” he quipped.
“Bring your convertible.” She suddenly felt the desire to go fast, to feel the wind in her hair and on face. Jeremy’s fiery red convertible left the family split downs the middle. She, Izzy, and Jeremy love the ride, but her parents and other much older brothers, Devon and Riley, felt it wasn’t practical and extremely flashy. Whatever! They wasn’t too happy with Jeremy’s lifestyle as it was…he owns a convertible, prefers his swanky bachelor pad studio apartment over a house, dates countless women, always on the go in pursuit of the next “hot” story, and he wasn’t too certain he even wanted children. These days Anna could definitely see the perks of her brother’s life and whenever she or Izzy needed him Jeremy was there for them…she couldn’t always say that about Devon and Riley.
“Will do, Ann.”
While I waited for Jeremy, I paced around the house; I put away my purchases in the bedroom. I played with the radio and not finding anything good I grabbed Josh’s jean jacket and my purse and went to wait for Jeremy outside. He pulled up just as I stepped outside, and I ran over to the convertible and hopped in, anxious to get going.
“Where to, Madam?”
“Anywhere…I’m in your hands tonight, bro.”
Jeremy drove down through the winding streets of their hometown in Ohio. Anna reveled in the rushing of the wind as it whipped her hair around; I fiddled with the buttons on the radio. I knew Jeremy really wouldn’t care…he loved all music, so I turned it to the country station just in time for the tail end of Making Memories of Us by Keith Urban. I tried to sing along, but had a hard time, as it was the song, which Josh would often sing to her, it was the song that played at their wedding, for God’s sakes.
“Anna?” Jeremy said, placing a hand on her shoulder when he braked at a red light.
“I’m okay,” I said.
“I don’t really believe that, ya know.”
“It isn’t exactly the truth.”
“Ah…”
“Jeremy?” I said, as the convertible sped up again.
“Yeah?”
But I didn’t know how to say what I was thinking, so I let it drop for now. We arrived at one of Jeremy’s favorite bar/night club, The Beach Club. The Beach Club is somewhat what the name implies, minus the beach. There is no beach, but there is everything else. Themes in a Caribbean-style motif and once inside you can forget that it might be 12-below and snowing. The club is all about dancing and driving music, not unlike an MTV Spring Break show. The dance floor is ample, the sound is booming and the lights are first rate. You can even get a pina colada, if that is your preference.
“I don’t know, Jeremy…” I said, but then I wondered: What else have I got to do? “I don’t have to stay very long.”
“When you want to leave, we will….just say the word.”
“Okay,” I said, shakily, climbing out from the convertible.
Inside, Jeremy paid our two dollars cover charge and I could help thinking that this was the place Josh and I and Jeremy and his date would have frequented often before a concert. The last time had been about three weeks before the accident…we had seen Kenny Chesney and Dierks Bentley that night and Izzy had joined us. It had been a magical evening and the entertainment was impressive. I remembered the way Josh had slow danced with me. Suddenly I was aware of my present surroundings; the music, the strobe lights, the noise…
I looked around for Jeremy, but I didn’t see him anywhere.

~ Eight ~
I knew that Jeremy hadn’t abandoned me. He would eventfully find me in the midst of the crowd, especially since I had no intention in getting lost on the dance floor or at the bar. I made my way to an empty table that had just been vacated by several young men and women. I wiped away the spilled beer atop the table. Jeremy could be quite the player while entertaining a female and with his fine blonde hair cut just above his ears, shimmering blue-green eyes, and wit combined with his easy-going attitude he is definitely the charmer. The were several girls who would, no doubt, and anyone of them could catch my brother’s wandering eye. Waitresses milled about and I managed to catch one, Ava, and I ordered an iced tea. She smiled at me and I looked away. I hated people taking pity on me and almost everyone knew what had happened to Josh.
“Ann,” Jeremy said, joining me and sliding into the booth, already on his second beer with his arm around a pretty red head.
“Hey,” I said. “Uh…bro, I don’t mean to be a damper, but hand over your car keys.” Even through I knew Jeremy is a responsible drinker and wouldn’t have more than he knew he couldn’t handle. I was adamant and I had good reason. I lost my husband when a drunk driver hit him and I wasn’t about to lose my brother the same way.
“That’s a good idea, Annie,” he said, handing them over and I dropped the key ring in my purse as the conversation turned between my brother and red head ensued and I found out her name is Holly and was plenty talkative. She was double majoring in psychology and pre-law at Cleveland State University, a only child with loving parents, and tendency to laugh a little too loudly. I wasn’t sure if it was her natural personality or the fact that she had a few too many strawberry daiquiris. Nevertheless, I also knew it wouldn’t last past the night with my brother. Izzy and I had affectionately dubbed him “lifelong bachelor” a long time ago.
“Oh, I love this song,” Holly said, slurring her words and tugging on my brother’s hand. “C’mon, Jeremy, let’s dance.” Jeremy looked at me.
“Will you be okay for a few minutes, Annie?” he said.
“Sure, go, have a good time,” I said. I was more than comfortable with being left alone. “Jeremy, watch out for her,” I said, catching his arm before disappearing out on sight into the crowded dance floor. The place was packed tonight. It seemed as if everyone else had the same idea.
“Don’t worry, sis,” Jeremy said, but it did nothing to calm my nerves. I was worrier by nature and the past few months did nothing to alleviate me. Instead, it did just the opposite.

~ Nine ~
“Thanks for helping me with Holly, Ann,” Jeremy said later that night, returning to his apartment with Holly between them.
“Yeah, sure,” I said. They laid her down in Jeremy’s room, so she could sleep off the alcohol consumption.
“Are you staying here tonight?”
“If you wouldn’t mind,” I said, not particularly looking forward to returning to an empty house, besides I didn’t have my car and Jeremy wasn’t in the condition to drive.
“Sure,” he said. “Izzy stayed here a few nights ago, and Margie is on vacation, so I don’t know how clean the room is.” Margie is his housekeeper, and he keeps a spare room for guests, and where both his sisters kept a few belongings.
“It’ll be fine.”
But, I couldn’t sleep and pictures of the life I once knew kept flashing through my mind. I could still see Josh’s face as if he was still here, instead of the memory that he is now. I kept thinking about the upcoming trip to Australia and I still wondered if I was doing the right thing. Izzy and Jeremy assured me I was, and whereas my mother wasn’t crazy about the idea, she supported me, but still I tossed and turned about it. I heard Jeremy and/or Holly get up several times and go into the bathroom. It made me feel only slightly better to hear someone moving around, even if it wasn’t the person I have grown accustomed to, the person I wanted and needed to hear in the middle of the night.
“Josh…” I said in a whispered, my words fading and I must have fallen asleep for at least a few hours, because soon it was morning and I awoke mid-morning to the smell of coffee drifting in to my nostrils. I stretched my arms over my head, waking up, and when I put my feet onto the cold hardwood floor I quickly had to pull them back into the bed, before sliding them into the slippers. I tied a white terrycloth robe around my waist and adjourned into the bathroom where I quickly washed my face and combed my hair.
I found Jeremy in the kitchen, reading today’s paper with a coffee cup in his hand and an empty plate and bowl beside him.
“Hey, big brother,” I said, kissing him on the cheek. “Mmhh, coffee, I love your espresso maker!” He laughed.
“It’s time you invested in one yourself,” he said.
“Why should I when I can use yours,” I said. “How’s Holly?”
“Still sleeping.”
“She was pretty out of it last night. I trust you took care of her.”
“Of course,” he said, flashing a perfect row of white sparkly teeth. “There’s Danish and cereal and whatever else you can find.”
I helped myself to a piece of raisin Danish and sitting down across from him, nibbling on it and reaching for the Arts & Life section of the newspaper. I knew I couldn’t stay, just like I knew I can’t bring Josh back, and suddenly I couldn’t wait to get to Australia. A change of scenery and a new state of mind were exactly what I was looking forward to. If only I knew what my mother had planned.
~ Ten ~
“A bon voyage party,” Izzy said with a groan. “Who throws a bon voyage party anymore.”
“Mom does, I guess,” I said.
“Great,” Izzy said, morosely. “That’ll mean Devon and Riley, their stuck up wives and bratty children will be there.”
“It won’t be that bad.”
“Maybe not for you. You have a way with them, they’ll be all over me as soon as I walk through the door.”
“Jeremy, Dad, and I will all be on your side,” I said.
“Well, that’s true…you guys do love me,” Izzy said. “Josh would stood up for me, too…” She stopped when I stepped out from closet. I was packing for our trip and Izzy had offered to help. “Sorry,” she said.
“It’s okay, Isabelle,” I said. “Really.” I got the feeling that she didn’t believe me, truthfully I didn’t know if I believed me, but I let it fell away. “So, what should I pack?”
“Knowing you, jeans and tee shirts,” she said. “C’mon, Ann, at least pack one fun thing…live a little and bring a sundress.”
“You just want to borrow it,” I said, laughing.
“You never know…”
“Isabelle Alexis DeWitt, I don’t want to meet anyone. My husband…”
“Anna Lisa DeWitt, I don’t mean that. I know you’re not ready for that…I just thought maybe on the beach or something, I don’t know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insinuate anything, okay?”
I relaxed. Why was I being so testy? Izzy was only being Izzy and she meant nothing by it. I knew that. She shouldn’t have to be so careful around me.
“I know that, Izzy,” I said. “I’m sorry I’m so crabby today”
“It’s okay. I’m used to you,” she said, cracking a smile. “Hey, why don’t we go out for a bite to eat. I’m staved and you promised me a meal in exchanged for helping you.”
“Yeah, okay,” I said, dropping a pink sundress into my suitcase. I probably won’t wear it, but Izzy’s right, you never know.



~ Eleven ~
When I got home I only further realized how uptight I had been towards Izzy earlier…she didn’t deserve that and I knew it and for some reason it bothered me. I spotted the pink flowered sundress lying in my suitcase and I picked it up, holding it close to my body. It had been Josh’s favorite. I remember the first time I had wore it for him…
It was the Beach Club disco last July. The night was warm with only the slightest of breezes coming in off the waters of Lake Erie. The tiki torches were lit, the live band was jamming, and everyone’s moods were light and jocular. They had met up with Jeremy and Izzy and their dates. The party had been in full swing.
Josh and I had wandered down the beach a little ways. We could see the lights in the distance, but the music had faded softly. He had taken me in his arms and we swayed together as if we had been the only two people in the universe, two souls dancing as one.
“Annie,” Josh said, quietly close enough to my ear I could feel his breath on my skin. We had reveled in his kisses for several minutes like a couple of teenagers.
”Annie, I love you,” he said, a little out of breath.
“I love you, too,” I said. He sat down on the sandy shores of the beach and pulls me in between his legs, cradling me, holding me. He always made me feel so loved.
“This time next year we just might have a little baby,” he said.
“I know you’ll be a terrific daddy.”
“I can’t wait to see you with our little son…or daughter, Ann.”
“You still like the names Liana and Caden?”
“Yep, I’m standing firm on those.”
“I always like ‘Samantha’ for a girl,” I said.
“I know, you have a whole list of girls’ names, but hardly any boys’ names,” he said, with a twinkle in his eyes and laughter on his lips.
“That’s easy. Josh Jr., of course.”
“I won’t you let you do that…” he said, tightening his hold on me and I snuggled closer to him. I wished the moment had lasted forever. “Our son has to have a name that is entirely his own.”
“I hope our baby get your eyes.”
“You like my eyes, huh?
“I adore your eyes,” I said. “But my nose and ears.”
“What’s wrong with my nose and ears?”
“Nothing, I just like mine more.”
“Okay, so our baby have my eyes and your nose and forehead…”
I came crashing back to reality to a shattering blow. That had been July, Josh died in January. Only five months later, too soon, and I wasn’t ready to let it all go. I can’t say good bye to Josh forever. How could I? He’s been in my life, first as a friend and than as lover and husband for twelve years! I was clutching at the dress. I can’t wear this…anymore.
The next morning I put it back in my suitcase and zipped it up. Why did I decide to bring it after all? I honesty couldn’t say…perhaps it was a gut feeling.


~~More in Progress~~