Wrong Choice, Right Choice

Wrong Choice, Right Choice
         Is impulsiveness a blessing or a curse?  At a younger age, I prided myself on being spontaneous and carefree.  The word “process” was unwelcome in my decision making.  When I was a teenager my main goal in life was to fit in with a crowd; any crowd would suffice.  As I entered high school this desire grew even more until I found my group sophomore year.  Not cool enough for the cool kids or preppy enough for the preppy ones, somehow I fell in with the “bad” kids.  Inevitably I became too cool to do homework or show up at school.  My life revolved around hanging out, getting high, and causing trouble.  My parents warned that I was going to truly mess up my life but I knew they had to be wrong; I knew everything.  I did what I wanted when I wanted to regardless of any repercussions. This carefree lifestyle I was so proud of had a detrimental effect on my grades, not bothering me in the least.  In the opinion of my friends, school was a complete waste of time.  During this stage of my life, my opinion was what everyone else thought.  Self expression and individual ideas could have set me apart from everyone else, which I found petrifying.  This reckless view led me to consider dropping out of high school to be in the “real world”.  Two days after my eighteenth birthday, trying to ignore my screaming conscious, I withdrew myself from school. 
         During my middle school and junior high years I excelled at all my subjects.  Not having many friends at the time gave ample opportunity to be studious.  When I reached high school it was like entering a different world; one where I did not feel welcome.  Being an outcast had a damaging effect on my self esteem and loaded on more insecurity.  When I fell in with the “bad” crowd I was more than willing to do whatever it would take to fit in. 
         As my popularity with the crowd grew, my academic stance changed dramatically.  Getting good grades and working to the best of my ability were no longer goals of mine.  At the time I truly believed I did not care about such things; I now know I thought it was not acceptable to care.  My yearning to finally be accepted outweighed my desire to excel.  Drugs, fighting, and skipping school marked my high school career up through my senior year.  Early on in high school most of my teachers were not concerned with the skipping; they probably felt that’s just what kids do.  Senior year my vice principle started constantly approaching me, warning of the dangers I was committing against my future.  While I did hear her concerns, the words failed to take root.  I constantly ranted that school was a façade meant to fill our eager minds with useless information never to be used again.    I realize now these were never my real feelings; again I was going along with the consensus of my crowd.  It’s amazing just how wrong we can be.  My slipping grades led me to feel stupid and discouraged, reinforcing my belief that school was not for me.  I belonged working in the real world and acting like an adult.  For some preposterous reason I felt the real world would be easier and I would possibly fit in better with regular society.
         I approached my parents with my desire to drop out of school.  Of course my mom and dad were both completely against this idea, but drinking and fighting between them often caused their attention to be elsewhere.  I’m sure my way of living just added on to the myriad of issues they were already facing.  I also approached my friends with my plight about my future, knowing what they would say.  Being consumed by the same lifestyle, they completely agreed with my view on high school.  I’ve always sought out opinions I know will concur with my own, this instance being no exception. 
         Being perfectly conformed to my “crash and burn” attitude, I truly felt my decision about school had already been made.  It amazes me the lengths we will go for acceptance.  I realize now not one single thought went to my future and what it might be.  What future?  With my actions and standard of living I did not see myself past the age of 22, a concept that scares me today.     
         I know being more reasonable and thinking outside my own selfish box would have had a positive affect on my decision.  At the time I had no interest in being reasonable; hence my decision to leave school.  In hindsight I know other options were available to me: working harder and staying in school definitely being one of them.  Being so emotionally driven at the time caused me to see things either one way or the other; no other options.  Fear of loosing my friends and once again being an outsider caused me to not consider giving any effort.  Instead of truly applying myself and working to stay in school, I felt unable to accomplish this and took the easy way out. 
         Looking back I now realize that dropping out of high school was an extremely inappropriate decision.  I was exceedingly impulse driven and gratification had to be instant.  I have since gotten a better understanding of how to think issues through more rationally, though not always.  This decision I made was the epitome of who I was then: thoughtless and impulsive.  Sometimes I ponder what would have been had I made a different choice.  All this decision involved was my desire to constantly have fun with no cares or responsibilities; ironically it had the opposite effect.  Dropping out of school set me on a long and challenging road full of hardships that could have possibly been avoided.  While occasionally I wonder what might have happened had I went a different direction, I am confident this was a most valuable choice for my life.  In the end, the wrong choice can oddly enough become the right choice. While completely inapt at the time, dropping out of school set me on the path to where my life is now and where I am supposed to be.