The Night of the Banana-the story of Ed

This is the story of a man named Ed. Born in the year of our lord 1986 Ed is a simple man. A man of leizure who has up until this point lived a life without note. He drinks slurpees and beer, he eats Pizza and chinese food. He works as the night clerk for a gas station and has little pressure or income. For some Ed's life is a lesson in futility for other a paradise with no end. However Ed's life will soon be changed by the events of one night. This is the Night of the Banana.

It was mid July and Ed had just woken up. Days ran together for Ed so he didn't bother looking at the date. He only knew that he had to be at work in 35 minutes. Which meant he had to get dressed in five minutes. Which for Ed meant he had about 4 minutes and 35 seconds to dick around and then feverishly get dressed as he stumbled out of his one bedroom one bath apartment. Ed had lived much of his life doing as little as possible to get by. Ed was a dreamer but did little to make his dreams a reality he dropped out of community college after 1 1/2 years and has spent the last year dicking around at a dead end job. A job which provided with no intellectual stimulation but allowed him to daydream his way to pay check everyday and thus he considered it a victory,

As Ed feverishly drove in to the King o' Gas, the gas station for which he is employed, he say Bahmir his shift leader pacing at the front door, he was 15 minutes late and certain to get yelled at. A minor inconvience of being a lay about is that you are often the subject of many beratings. Ed entered the store timidly but knew there was no sense in wasting time. In this situation his natural procrastination was not warranted. He went right up to Bahmir and prepared himself for the onslaught of shouting and insults that was to come. However to his suprised Bahmir simply looked at him in a frustrated manner and then said, "Clock in, and get on the counter, I've got to go." What strange dream was this, Bahmir who never missed an opportunity to rip Ed a new one was suddenly late, so much so that he didn't even raise his voice.

Ed dutifully clocked in and took his place behind the wall of plexiglass and wood that seperated him from the customers. He watched as Bahmir left the gas station and drove off. Ed was now alone, and therefore free to let his mind wonder. He sat at the stool behind the counter and turned on the smalll portable tv one of the day shifters had bought a year or so back. The tv was black in white and only got 3 channels but at 4 am, spanish informercials and commercials for erection creams were high entertainment compared to the alternative of staring at an empty store.

Ed sat back and scanned the few working channels and infinite number of static channels before eventually settling on channel 18, the channel that played the same inexplicable informercial over and over again. With the sound constantly off, as Ed never cared to listen to the TV, he had no idea what exactly this product was for. The best he could decipher from endless hours of watching this commercial was that apparently a group of the most stereotypical women and men, including an older woman smoking a cigeratte sitting next to an old jewish man, would sit around a table discussing their various lives and loves. At some point we would cut to a couple on a beach. Where in which two attractive young people would saunter about on the sand as the camera did it's best to cut to every part of their body without lingering on any one part. Ed thought this must be some elaborate prank on the perverts attempting to masturbate to this, that the constant cutting would not allow for even a moment of enjoyment. The commercial would then go back to the group of humanity sitting around the table as they drank what appeared to be vegatable smoothies, served to them by a tall older blonde woman, and the gayest looking man in a hawiian shirt Ed had ever seen. All this was high entertainment when nothing else is going on.

Just then the small chyme that signals entrance into the store went off. Ed turned casually to the door where two young men, most likely hoodlums entered. Ed was unconcerned however as the store's strict code of not leaving the little plexiglass both prohibited him from making even the mildest efforts to prevent a robbery. So if anyone did steal anything Ed would just write down their description and what they stole and turn it into Bahmir. In a strange way Ed was hoping they'd steal something as grown men going to great links to steal little more than 50 dollars worth of junkfood and useless crap is high comedy to Ed. Unfortunately just as he imagined the men frantically loading Snickers bars and bags of funions into the bag of their get-away van, one of the men had placed money on the counter and said, "29 on pump 2." Ed broke from his waking dream to take the young man's money and activate the pump. The two men left and Ed was deprived of entertainment.

As he set about reentering his trance like state the chyme rang again, Ed looked casually and then back to the tv screen however when it registered to him what he just saw he turned back quickly. There standing in his store was a man in a banana costume. A foam banana suit wrapped around large sweaty man. Ignoring all the obvious concerns this would arise, this man was also muttering violently to himself as he paced through the store. Ed could only stare at this bizarre as he seemed to be loudly, but quietly, arguing with some unknown entity. Then all of a sudden the man looked up and caught eyes with Ed. The man shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT LOCKJAW!!!!" Ed was shocked and completely confused, he did not muster up a response. The man shouted again, "WHAT'S THE MATTER SIDEBURNS THE CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE." The man in the banana costume then began to advance towards Ed. He got right up to the plexiglass, so close the top of his costume was pressing against as he shouted again, " COME ON SUZIE Q I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!!"

Finally Ed musters up a response, "Uh c-c-can I help you sir." This threw the man into a rage and he knocked over a rack of road maps as he shouted, "DON'T YOU SIR ME GODDAMNIT, I'M NO SQUARE GODDAMNIT I FOUGHT VIET-FUCKING-NAM!!!!" Ed stares at the man and it's clear he is nowhere near old enough to have fought in Vietnam. Not wishing to rock the boat any further Ed doesn't bring this up instead he just tentatively says to the man,"I'm sorry, how can I help you?" The man seems to calm down a bit, as he says "Now that is a good question." The man begins to pace back and forth in front of the counter as he seems to contemplate the question repeating it over and over again at various levels of volume,  "How can you help me? How can you help me?! HOW CAN YOU HELP ME! HOW CAN YOU HELP ME!!!!!! HOW!!! CAN!!! YOU!!!! HELP!!!! ME!!!!" The man then turns violently and slams himself against the plexiglass causing Ed to fall back off his stool. As the man shouts, "THE BETTER QUESTION IS HOW CAN YOU HELP ME, WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN HELP YOURSELF!!!!" As Ed staggers back to his feet he responds, "Sorry?" The Man continues his diatribe, "OH DON'T YOU APOLOGIZE TO ME QUICKSILVER YOU NEED TO BE BEGGING FORGIVENESS FROM YOUR PARENTS, YOUR FRIENDS, AND MOST ESPECIALLY ANY WOMAN FOOL HEARTY ENOUGH TO ALLOW YOU INSIDE OF HER!!!! YOU ARE WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MOST DISGRACEFUL WRETCHED ABORTION OF HUMAN EXISTENCE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN ALL MY 752 TRIPS THROUGH THIS VORTEX OF MORTAL EXPERIENCE!!!!"

Ed is now annoyed with this apparent nutcase that is berating him, he shouts back, "What the hell are you talking about you psycho, who the hell are you!" "WHO THE HELL AM I?!!!" The Man responds loudly, "WHO THE HELL AM I!!!" The Man begins to beat on the plexiglass, in rythm with each word that he shouts, "WHO! THE! HELL! AM! I!" "Well isn't it obvious boy," the man says suddenly becoming quiet, "Isn't it clear, don't tell me all these years stuck behind breakaway sugar glass under this damn infernal humming bulbs have made you blind to the truth?!" Completely confused and utterly tired of talking to this person Ed responds, "What the fuck are you talking about?" "I am the Banana," The man says in such a way to make it sound as though it is the most magnanimous statement in human history. "You're the Banana?" Ed asks somehow even more confused. "I am the Banana, I am the truth of all truths, the revelations of all revelations, the one who makes it all seem so clear. I am....The Banana." Says the Banana. Ed just stares at this bizarre sweaty man, with a 70's porn mustache and 3 day beard wearing a flimsy foam banana costume, and all he can say is, "My god you are bat shit crazy aren't"

This cause The Banana to fly into a rage and punch the plexiglass as hard as he can. Though his original intent is unknown he manages to succeed only in hurting himself badly as he immediately clings to his hand and falls to his knees screaming, "FUCK!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK IT ALL TO HELL!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!" Finally fed up with all this Ed says, "Alright you need to get out of here or I'm calling the cops." Still sitting on the ground clinching his fist The Banana shouts back," NO GODDAMNIT LISTEN TO ME!!!!" The Banana struggles to his feet still holding his possible injured hand close to his body. He looks Ed directly in the eyes and has a strange look of sincerity as he speaks loudly, " Of all the things in nature and humanity, what is a truer reflection of god's grace. Of all that is and shall ever be what is more perfect, more necessary, and more purely good than a banana. I am the truth that is sought among the lies, the answers among the questions, if you will just listen I can help you." Ed becomes idignant and says, " Help me?! What are you even talking about, I don't need help. Why am I even talking to you, you're a freak in a Banana costume!" The Banana kicks the counter as he shouts, "GODDAMNIT LOOK AT YOURSELF!!!! YOUR TWENTY FUCKING YEARS OLD AND YOUR HERE!!!! If there was ever anything more that qualified someone for help I've never heard of it!"

"Listen man I don't know what you're on, but I don't need nor want your help" Ed says attempting to convince The Banana to give up and leave and for a moment it seems to have worked. The Banana becomes very calm and begins to back away from the counter. However once he has gotten a sizeable enough distance he begins to sprint forward and comes barrelling at the counter. Terrified Ed ducks down as the sound of loud crash is heard, followed by a dull thud. Ed slowly gets to his feet to see the plexiglass still in place, and the Banana laying on the floor screaming, "OOWWWWWWWW FUCK ME!!!! FUCK ME!!!!!" Ed utterly befuddled says, " What the fuck are you doing you psychopath!?!" In seemingly utter agony The Banana responds, "You must see the truth!" Ed is now completely done with this as he shouts, "What truth, what the hell are you talking about?!! All you've done since you've been hear is shouted at me, and tried to break the bullet proof glass in the most retarded way possible!" The Banana struggles to his feet as he says, "You Must...." "Oh just shut up and get out of here already, you fucking nutcase!" The Banana sensing that his efforts are futile straightens his posture as he says, "Fine then I'll go, but remember this. You may wonder through this world blind and stoned, drunk on the very ignorance of humanity. However this road like all other's dead ends somewhere and Christ help you if you don't know where." And with that the large sweaty man with the 70's porno mustache in a foam banana costume, staggers out of the store leaving to ponder what the hell just happened to him. As he watched the bizarre man in yellow stumble through the parking lot Ed can only comment to himself, "I gotta quit this fucking job."