She's out of sorts part I

She’s out of sorts-Part I

She cried all the time and they didn’t know why.“She’s fussy” her mother’s friends would comment with disapproving glares. Then as she got older you could see the fear, the panic in her eyes. She was afraid, unnoticed, ignored, and often times panicked. And very, very confused. She was “not living up to what we thought she could do.” They’d expressed that often, to their friends; with her right there, holding her responsible for limitations she could not control. She was often time confused, she couldn’t seem to place why she felt the way she did, what the feelings were much less express them to someone else to help sort herself out. As the expectations of a parent or loved one were not met-again and again and commented on often (by her peers too) her self-esteem continued to go down. Whenever she did a great job the adults always mentioned how she could have done a little better with more effort, or whatever. When does the control stop, and the reality set in? Never really allowed to be average. She’s expected to be exceptional and if she isn’t it’s her fault. Heck with positive thinking “anyone can overcome anything” right? She began drinking, it dulled her pain, and made her think less often of herself. She didn’t feel under the microscope when she drank and she could actually laugh! Although she knew down deep this wasn’t the answer it sure was a nice band-aid for things, for now, “everybody does it at my age anyway right” she’d tell herself. I just really don't seem to fit in and be comfortable like everybody else...and I haven't felt like that for years, she thought.

~~~~~~to be continued~~~~