where trust, love, and lust lie (3)

Rays of morning sun peek through the window shade. The light lines up on Brian’s pale freckled back, and his long sun tinted hair is in a web. He’s still in his cacky’s, and one of his Birkenstocks fell off while one is still half way on. It was the first time we had fallen asleep with our cloths on. I liked knowing that there was more to the relationship than the obvious. I know most people would say the occasion wasn’t all that rare because he had gotten home late last night from a long day of work.

We are unaware of our future together. My dear friend Will, and his selfless concerns are no longer between Brian and I. I took it upon myself to trust Brian Yesterday Brian decided to make our relationship status more clear. It was when I was laying in his arms he decided to ask “Is it to soon to call you my girlfriend?” We had a long talk. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. There was more to it for me. I had felt like his girlfriend after the first night we laid together.

Three words. Three words that hung by a thread on my tongue. Words that could easily slip by and destroy every thing we have and every thing we could be. Its so easy when you are younger to say I love you, and more so to believe it. So when I got to a certain age I stopped saying it. I lost my true belief in it a few months ago after ending a two year relationship that almost destroyed me. So later on that night, when we were finally wrapped up in each other my emotions where getting the best of me.

“I know Im good, but nothing to cry over.” He smiled.

His smiled diminished as he pulled the hair out of my face with his worn hands. His eyes searching through me, searching for everything and anything that I had bottled up. To think, when I thought I was as naked as naked could get, I unclothed my insides and told him: “I think I love you.”
I’ve known Brian a little less than a month. I can count the days we’ve been together. Brian told me he was scared to. That he felt it.

Friends who wave the red flag over things like age, time and distance will never see me the way Brian has. Red flags are overwhelmed by our passion and these much needed tears. It was a storm of mixed up feelings that was severe to the heart if you kept it all in. How wrong can we really be? My only fear is that if this is to end, how will I ever be able to find anything that could compare to what we had? If it’s a one-night stand, or a relationship that could last a lifetime are we limited to these feelings once you’ve already been exposed? Some may say that I am nothing but a naive nineteen year old, sad and hopeless. Maybe they are right.