Things Mom Forgot To Mention!

 

      As I prepare to set upon the last half of my life journey I was thinking that..... Oh my!  That was just a little more formal than what I was working towards.  Let's try that one again.  Shall we?

      Folks, time is getting short.  I believe that if anyone has wisdom to impart, well they better get to imparting.  So I decided to present you all with a bit of wisdom that I have learned (usually the HARD way) over the years. 


You always run out of toilet paper when you are sitting on the pot at three in the morning with a belly ache.

Along the same vein, the doorbell rings, or someone starts knocking the second you settle into your bath.

Your kids will always do something to disappoint you.  They will also do things that make you very proud.  Eventually it evens out. So get over it.

Your mother will never, ever change.  Deal with it.

Your husband will always have a bout of gas during the winter when you are in bed piled high with blankets and it's just too damn cold to get out of them. 

Men never look threatening if they are naked. 

No one ever thinks your children are as smart as you do. (This also goes for cute, funny and well-mannered.)

All blind dates are the sixth circle of HELL!

If you think something bad is going to happen...it probably will.

Love never shows up when your looking for it. 

Learn to love your body, no matter how long you glare at yourself in the mirror it isn't going to change. (Besides, in ten years you'll be nostalgic about what you're looking at now!}

The Jerry Springer Show is real.  My neighbors were on there last week!

Last but not least on my list of learned wisdom...

Sex is GREAT after 40.... or so I've heard...still waiting for that one.

Oh, I almost forgot the most important one.

Don't wait to give someone a compliment. Tell them that you love them or are proud of something they have done.  You may not get a second chance.

*****

  I don't know when I started to get old.  It just happened.  I woke up one day and saw an older me.  The face in the mirror had fine lines that hadn't been there before.  Gravity started to pull on things that had once been in the perfect place.  Time marches on and it was leaving footprints all over me! The days heading into my 40th birthday were terrible.  I cried and drove everyone crazy seeking reassurance that I didn't look my age.  "You look fine" they said.  "You look great!" they smiled.  I think they lied.  But that is okay.  I think I am finally getting this old age thing figured out.  I like me and who I have become.
    I mean lets face it, if I were a man I would just be hitting my peak in the age versus sexy department.  Being a woman means that I hit the peak alright, just with my face!  Yes, I realize that being in my 40's doesn't qualify me for AARP benefits or anything of the sort.  It did make me begin to question things about myself and my life.  What I finally figured out is that I had lost who I was.  I had lots of jobs: wife, mother, daughter, sister the list was endless.  I was so busy being everything for everyone else that I had lost me.  I'm not the whole person I want to be, but I am putting the pieces of me back, bit by bit.
    I am learning to say NO.  I was always afraid of offending someone, making them mad.  Now I say too bad.  If I don't want to do it, I don't.  If someone wants me to haul them around so they can find the perfect pair of shoes I can say 'No' with a happy heart.  I don't like to shop and the shoes aren't for me, so why bother.
    I don't have any gray hair yet, but when it comes I am ready.  I refuse to be the old lady with pink or purple hair.  So here I stand, bottle of hair color in my hand.  Bring it on!
      I work in my garden everyday.  It is a great way to unwind and I am creating something beautiful in the process.  Who cares if I get a little sun?  I don't.
    I am learning to love my body just the way it is, cause let's face it... compared to what it will look like in ten years I LOOK GOOD!  So I live for the now, not for what will be.  In the mean time I will take time to stop and smell the roses and if no one is looking..... I might just pick it.

****

I am quickly becoming convinced that the big guy upstairs has a very twisted sense of humor.  It all started on the day I was born.... I was female.  From that very second I was assured of a life full of wonderful things.

Monthly cramps.
PMS jokes (men just love those!)
Uncomfortable shoes.
Less pay for the same job.... done better I might add.
Childbirth and the agony that comes with it. 
The dreaded Empty Nest Syndrome.
Stretch marks.
Sitting in pee because 'someone' didn't raise the lid!
Pain.
And of course Misery.
     
    No, that wasn't enough.  There has to be more right?  Yes, there is more!. We have Menopause.  So, all you women out there, rejoice!  Rejoice because for at least 10 years, maybe more, you will never be cold or dry again.  I am doing laundry five times a day, almost every piece of clothing is mine.  Why? I sweat.  What happened to me?  I never did that before.  I was young!  I was beautiful!  I was never, ever, a walking ad for antiperspirant.  Now I feel as if someone is taking a blowtorch to my skin.  Pulse starts racing, breath quickens and then fire.  Day or night, at any moment it can strike.

      Sound bad?  Well, it is!  But wait.... there's more.  You start leaving more hair on your brush than on your head.  In fact, any hair you have, anywhere on your body starts thinning...uh...yeah...it is what you think.  But don't fear, you will be growing NEW hair.  That soft, downy fuzz on your face will turn into a full grown beard and mustache.  Finally, you will be able to use your husbands nose hair trimmer!  So rejoice!

      Those children that you thought were gone.....guess what? THEY'RE BAACCKK!  Only now, they are bringing their kids with them...and if you are really lucky?  Well, they bring back their spouse as well!  You will never be alone again! 

      I might take this time to put in a disclaimer.... not all of it is bad.  Believe it or not there are a few good things about going through menopause.  They are as follows:

No more monthly cramps.
No more PMS.
No more kids...except the ones that just moved back in....
No more being cold, ever.
My mother and I are closer than we have ever been.  Nothing brings people together like shared misery.
I like who I am and I don't give a damn if anyone else does.
Everyone laughs at my jokes, they are afraid of me.

    So the big guy upstairs might be laughing but I will not break.  I am strong, I am invincible, I am....sweating.  For the love of....gotta go, momma needs a new shirt.