To bi-polar or other mood disorder sufferers... |
What’s Wrong with Me? I teeter on the brink-- Sway in halting motion, don’t lean too far Too late Falling Falling Falling Head first into a swamp. Dark, suffocating Hold your breath! Confused Panicked Hands reach up in instinct, They claw in futile attempt through the mire for a hold Feet hit bottom Push off of the floor Sinking Quicksand Trapped No! Dark Will I ever get out? Will I be here forever? Can’t breathe! I flail until my hand feels a wall Hold on for dear life Pull my feet out of the quicksand I climb Slowly Too slow It hurts Climb More more How far up? more more Give up? More … AIR! Climb back onto the brink Catch my breath Keep balance Don’t want to do that again Careful Careful Can’t help it. I fall But this is fun! I’m a pinball rolling down a track Joyful, ecstatic Fast Nothing can stop me! Bounce off of the walls No pain Faster Faster! Up a ramp I’m flying! I’m soaring! I’m… Falling Falling Falling Brink? No Past the brink. Head first into the dark So deep Where am I? Swamp Can’t see. Which way up? How? Down Down Down Feet sink into quicksand Shit. Shit. Flail, wall, hold Brace Climb Climb Climb Tired Let go? No. Climb. How far this time? More More Climb Step Hold Good girl Bad girl? Is that why? Am I being punished? Climb Climb How far? How far? More? MORE? Light! Climb back on to the brink. I notice people around me Stop falling! Someone yells, It’s not good for you. It’s distracting, too, yells someone else. Why can’t you keep balance like us? I don’t know. Why can’t I stay up like you? You tell us. I don’t know. Then I notice they have a right foot and a left foot. I look down at my feet. I have two left feet. Well, that’s your problem, they say, Looks like you’ll need this. What is this? It helps you balance. Put one in your head every day. Okay. I put it in my head. My body stiffens Stiff arms Stiff legs There. Now you can’t sway. Sticky feet You can’t move too fast any more, either. No more falling for you! You’re welcome. Thank you. Insert. Step. Insert. Step. This is better. I think. Better than the swamp. Insert. Step. Insert. Step. Can’t look around. Too hard. Too stiff. Easier to just step. Better than the swamp. Insert. One foot Now the other Insert. Step. A smile from over there. I smile. I want to wave but I’m too stiff. I’m sorry. This sucks. Remember the swamp? Yes. Isn’t this better than the swamp? Yes. But I remember the pinball machine, too. Remember the swamp! … Insert. Step. Gray. Insert. Step. Monotonous. I see the swamp out of the corner of my eye. Ins… AUUUUUUGGGGGHH! Toss! No more! I can do this by myself. I just have to be careful. That’s all. Step… Step… Whew. Safe. Safe? Step. Okay. What? Blind-sided. Knocked off balance. What was that? Head first into Swamp. No… No… Why? Exhausted. No tears. Too tired to cry. No fight left. No more questions. Just Sink. Sink. Sink. Seems deeper every time. Can’t tell. Sinking further. Don’t care. No use fighting. No fight left. Hope? Hope betrays me Hope is the pinball machine And it always spits me back out here Into the swamp Where it’s always darker than before This is my only clue-- This darkness that seems to span infinitely in every direction This is my only certainty-- That I will hit bottom. Tired. So tired. The dark almost seems comfortable. Welcoming. Seductive. Easy. I know if I stay, I’ll drown. Should I try climbing back? One more time? What then, after this one more time? Will there be a one more time after that? How many one more times? When do I get to rest? Do you get to rest? Ever? Maybe no one really gets to rest, But then how are they not tired like me? Why am I so tired? Because you keep falling. Why do I keep falling? Because you can’t keep your balance. Why can’t I keep my balance? Because you have two left feet. Why do I have two left feet? Just unlucky, I guess… I don’t want to go back up. I hate being stiff. I feel like a dead person walking. Why not stay here? … Get the dying over with all at once? … Because. Because? Because… … Because I have someone waiting for me. I believe I have something waiting for me. Something great. Something good. Because I dream of dancing. Because something tells me that even with my two left feet, I could dance. Somehow. Just have to figure out how. How? I don’t know! Can’t breathe. Have to get out of here. Flail. A branch! The wall. Hold. Brace. Pull. Pull! PULL! Why is it so much harder this time? Because the sand has me up to my knees. Why? That voice. Who…? Me. Dear Lord, it was me. That was close. Scary. Shake it off. Climb. Climb. Up. You went a long way down. It’s along way up. Climb. Aches. Pains. Sore. Tired. No! Climb. Hold your breath just a little longer. Almost. How do I know? Maybe not. Just keep climbing. Almost. More. Just a little bit more. Slip! HOLD ON! Fingertips straining. Don’t let go! Easier to let go. NO! Climb! Almost. Almost… One… more… time….. I almost see the… Sky? SKY! Oh, God. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Oh, God. Breathe. … Breathe. Okay… I’m okay. I’m safe. For now. … … Breathe… How long? But I’m safe. Breathe… For how long? I don’t know. I don’t know… Shake it off. I climb up. I teeter on the brink. |