How to Become a Daddy for Fun and Profi

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How to Become a Sperm Donor for Fun and Profit

By Jack Rawlins & Lotta Innuendo

It’s nice to find something that you enjoy doing that pays well.  But please don’t quit your day job or drop out of school to become a sperm donor. Just consider it a satisfying avocation, a stream of supplemental income. And it requires very little time, and no preparation other than growing up.

While it sounds easy, you don’t just show up, zip down and go to work. There’s a screening process and a waiting period. Many applicants are rejected---depending on the bank, as many as 90%. During screening your sperm will be frozen, then thawed and checked for motility. If enough of those little guys don’t swim, your sample won’t fly.

The money’s not bad for a few minutes work. (Some do it on lunch break.) While $30 to $45 per specimen is common, some banks pay extra for those with advanced degrees.

Besides the personal gratification and a few bucks, donors are part of a special brotherhood.  When it comes to donating bodily fluids, almost anyone can give blood, but only males can give semen. That automatically puts you in a select group that is limited exclusively to about half the world’s population.

And remember, donors and their employers make an important contribution to society. They’ve taken what used to be a selfish hobby for many young men and turned it into a socially responsible enterprise.

Before submitting your application to become a donor though, pause and ask yourself: What would my mother think?


Don’t try to scam the system

Let’s assume you’re signed up and working.

If you suffer from chronic tumescence, Portnoy’s Complaint or have a turbo charged libido, you may be tempted to expand your income opportunities. Most banks will limit you to one deposit a week.  Signing up with five more banks may be counter productive. It’s a paradox, but with this type of bank if you make too many deposits you’ll be overdrawn. The quality of your contributions will drop. When it does, you too will be dropped.

Always remember, you’re working with a vital organ, not a sump pump.

Occupational Hazards?

Some donors never shed the vestiges of Victorian myths. If you’re concerned, you can rest assured there are no known cases of donors going blind or insane, or growing hair in their palms.

Another source of discomfort is the knowledge that when you step out of the donor’s cubicle with your deposit, everyone knows you’ve been playing with yourself.

While not really a hazard, as a donor you may also have to make some changes in the type and timing of your recreational pursuits. Always remember, donors commit to make regular deposits. Don’t show up after a night of debauchery unable to meet your obligation. Banks will not accept limp excuses.


Yet another cause for concern: the cloak of anonymity is transparent.  For moral, medical, legal, and practical reasons (like accidental incest); your progeny should be able to find you. And if they can find you, their lawyers can find you.

What happens when the lawyers call? A host of charges is possible. Child support? Cruel and unusual punishment? Pain and suffering? Child neglect?  Who knows what opportunities they will find to nail your butt?

Remember, you can not take The fifth. There’s no room to weasel. You’ve already incriminated yourself.

Philosophical Questions

Not every one will think highly of your sacrifice.  Mention your avocation and it often leads to heated discussions. Some will say donors are just a bunch of selfish bastards who’ve coaxed their little hobby into a money maker. Others will argue that donors are altruistic souls who for a modest fee help create other humans.

But regardless of motivation, every year with the approach of Father’s Day, my heart goes out to all sperm donors. They receive no recognition for their contributions to parenthood. No cards. No phone calls. No visits. No presents.

Of course in exchange for their (perhaps temporary) anonymity, donors don’t have to feed and clothe, co-sign notes, pay outrageous insurance premiums for  muscle cars, buy braces, or lie about assets so their kids can get financial aid for college tuition.

While it’s true that donors take pride in what they do and get a spasm of pleasure from it, they get no recognition for doing what all fathers do.  Yes, the methods are different but the end results are the same.

When we think of Father’s day should we not also think of the sacrifice of these men and the lonely minutes they spend in a small cubicle with nothing but a paper cup and some dog-eared magazines? These are men who when given a job to do put their hand to it and get it done. 

Is it unreasonable to suggest a special day to honor them? Why not plop it between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day?  The card companies would love it.

A quick survey, though, has shown not everyone would support such an effort. One gentlemen said, “Sperm Donor’s Day? Why should we give those jerk-offs a special day? When they start picking up the tab for their handy-work, then maybe they’ll deserve one.”

“Sperm Donor’s Day” may be an idea whose time has not yet come. Until it does, those who produce sperm for fun and profit can skip the recognition and count their blessings.

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