Noob

Aultan hated the city. Hated it. He missed the wind blowing through the trees, the crystal blue creeks flowing from the ice capped mountains, the wide open spaces. Most of all, he missed being alone. In the city, there was no privacy. Even in the comfort of his own room at the inn, Aultan had to share his accommodations with the monk Terrathias. Outside, the stench of humanity being crammed into boxes wedged in side by side made him gag. The sky was hard to see behind banners and tarps. The crowds, all walking in some great hurry yet going nowhere, frustrated the berserker to no end. They were like mindless zombie cattle, stumbling around and constantly getting underfoot.

Standing in front of the shop, Aultan braced himself against the crowd as it passed by around him. After a few moments, the barbarian had been given a wide berth. “Okay people. Let’s get what we need to and get out of here.”

Hilsric noticed the barbarian’s uneasiness and couldn’t resist prodding him. “Why so rushed?” chided the elf. “Perhaps there are too many big buildings for you? I know how you barbarian folk detest civilized things like towers… or cutlery… or bathing… or wiping your -”

Valentia grabbed her husband by the arm, earning her an annoyed glance from her efforts. Her attention, however, was elsewhere. “Husband,” she chimed. “Look! Isn’t he adorable?”

All eyes turned to the young man standing behind them in the middle of the street. His clothes appeared rather plain, nothing overly outstanding to speak of. The same could be said for his general appearance - short black hair, youthful face, and oddly blank eyes. He looked at the four companions, yet didn’t appear to notice any of them. “I’m new,” he said in a voice as innocent as his appearance. “Spare some plat please?”

Hilsric raised an eyebrow. “New?” he asked aloud.

Valentia turned to her husband with a comforting tone. “New,” she explained. “He must mean that he is a virgin.” She turned to the young man. “That’s worthy of a few coins in itself, in this day and age.”

Aultan elbowed Terrathias in the ribs. “Hear that monk? You have a payday coming your way.”

“Says the man who lost his virginity to a horse,” Terrathias replied.

Aultan feigned shock. “That’s a horrible thing to say about your sister!”

The cleric, smiling, reached into her coin purse and pulled out a few silver coins. “Here you are dear,” she said to the young man. “I hope this helps -“

Aultan grabbed her by the wrist. “Wait. I don’t like the looks of him.”

“You do not… Aultan, be reasonable.” Terrathias gestured toward the youth. “He’s just a pup. You can’t possibly see him as any kind of a threat.”

The young man looked blankly at the monk and held out his hand. “Spare some plat please?”

“Okay, annoying maybe,” Terrathias said. “But a threat?”

Aultan studied the beggar, who looked around at the people passing by. It was like watching a hungry bird looking to be fed. “I didn’t say he was a threat.”

The beggar turned his attention to the barbarian. “Spar sum plat plz? Or gear?”

Terrathias noticed the change in the young man’s voice. “What, er, what did he say?”

Aultan frowned. “That’s what I thought. He’s a noob.”

“A what?” asked Hilsric.

“Noob,” Aultan repeated while he watched the young man’s blank eyes focus on nothing. “They look just like us, but their minds are all wrong.”

“That seems hardly a fair statement coming from you,” muttered the paladin.

Something hot and angry started to crawl out of the dark corner of the barbarian’s mind. He closed his eyes and forced it back into the shadows. When he opened his eyes again, Aultan looked directly at Hilsric. “I’m wrong in the head for the right reasons,” he said in a cautionary tone.

“You… What is this?” Hilsric looked down and saw that the Noob had started rummaging through his armor. “Hey! What do you think you are doing there?” he asked while swatting him away with the back of his hand.

The Noob stepped back. “U got good stuff. Got any 2 spare?”

Hilsric smiled proudly at the comment. “Thank y- wait, what? How did you say that?”

Aultan nodded his head, his suspicions confirmed. “Yep, he’s a Noob.”

The young man seemed to take offense to the barbarian’s words. “OMG I M NO NOOB!” he exclaimed quite loudly. He stepped forward but Aultan stuck his hand in the beggar’s face and shoved him to the ground.

Terrathias knelt down on one knee and watched the beggar flop around on the road like a fish out of water. “It’s like an ogre mated with something really, really stupid and spat this… thing, out.”

The beggar showed surprising agility by spinning on the ground to face the monk, who reacted by rolling backwards and hopping to his feet. The Noob did the same. “LOL” shouted the Noob.

Valentia shot the young man a quizzical glance. “Did he say Lull? As in the spell?”

Terrathias became concerned, rather than amused, by the beggar’s odd behavior. “Is he magical?” he asked the cleric. “Is he casting something?”

The Noob’s facial expression didn’t change, but the tone in his voice reflected his irritation. “STFU” he snapped.

“Stiffu?” asked Hilsric. “You think that might be his name?”

Valentia tilted her head to the side and placed her hands on the beggar’s shoulders. “Are you okay Stiffu? You seem a little confused. Do you need someone to take you to a guard, perhaps?”

“LOL I TRAINED TEH GUARDS” Noob shouted proudly. Valentia slowly removed her hand from his shoulder. Now she was the one who was confused.

Hilsric stepped between Aultan and Terrathias and spoke quietly. “He lies. He looks far too young to work with the militia, let alone train them.”

Terrathias agreed. “And they call you crazy,” he said to Aultan.

“Not to my face they don’t.” The barbarian raised his voice loud enough to snap Valentia out of her daze. “Let’s get going.”

The cleric didn’t need any further prompting. She joined her compatriots and left the Noob standing in the middle of the road, the crowd giving him an uncomfortably wide berth. “NE1 TEL ME HOW 2 GET PLAT PLZ!” he shouted to anyone within earshot.

“Excuse me, Noob?”

The beggar’s expression finally changed from blank to irritated. “I M NOT A NOOB SO FU-“

Aultan’s huge axe sliced through the air and struck the beggar in the chest. “Pwned!” he shouted.

Several chops later, it was over. The crowd, who had stopped to watch the carnage unfold, simply flowed around the pile of bloody Noob-chunks, not wanting to step in it yet not caring that it was there. The berserker looked at the three group members who stared at him in varying degrees of surprise. “If I didn’t do it, someone else would have.” He pinched the blade between his thumb and forefinger and wiped the bloody edge clean. “You have to stop these things before they get out of control.”

When no one protested the demise of the Noob, the four collected themselves and merged with the flow of commuters who would whisk them away to another shop. Hilsric guided his wife with a gentle hand on her back, while Aultan shoved the monk forward. “Can’t believe you called your sister a horse,” he said to Terrathias.

“I can’t believe you’ve been inside her,” muttered the monk.

Aultan shrugged. “What can I say? I love nature.”

Terrathias stopped and watched the three continue on their way. “You… wait, what?”