A fertile marriage

“....I pronounce you husband and wife”, Father O’Donell exclaimed. “You may kiss the bride” I leaned in towards...hold it, hold it. I’m getting way ahead of myself. For you to really appreciate how I felt in this moment I need to tell you about the last 24 hours. Try to think about everything that can go wrong with a wedding. Done? I bet you didn’t think of any of the things I’m going to tell you about. If you did, I hope you enjoyed my wedding.

It all started yesterday in the afternoon. Susan and I were sitting out in the orchard, sipping champagne and taking in the beautiful scenery. Celebrating that after all the preparations our day had finally arrived. The mansion was located on the shore of a small lake. It had a magnificent garden and an apple orchard in full bloom. It was the perfect setting for the perfect wedding.

In the distance you could hear the birds sing and bees buzzing. Well the bees weren’t so distant anymore. In only a minute or two we were surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of bees buzzing around us. I told Susan to sit still, not to move a muscle, but she couldn’t. She ran, screaming and throwing her arms around in the air in panic, towards the lake and dove in.

She had put on some sort of honey based moisturizer, which probably had attracted all the bees. Unfortunately Susan is allergic too bee stings, so not only did she have a few stings in her face, they also made her head swell up to twice it normal size, at least it seemed to be that big to me. We had to call a doctor to come give her a shot. The morning of the wedding the swelling had gone down, but there was nothing that would cover up the four big red marks left in Susans face. She was devastated.

In the morning some of the women were preparing breakfast. Helping them out was my little 9 year old niece. She saw how hectic everything was and thought that it was important that everyone got a good and sturdy breakfast. She stumbled across some of her grandfathers vitamins and decided to put them in the coffee. She felt very good about her contribution. Unfortunately the ‘V’ engraved in the little blue pills didn’t stand for vitamins, lets just leave it at that.

Father O’Connor arrived just in time for lunch. He left 20 minutes later in an ambulance. You should never run with scissors no matter how old you are. My sister in law will testify to that. She was trimming the bridesmaids dresses to perfection, or rather imperfection which was was perfect for Susan. She ran in to the kitchen, where we were getting ready for lunch, to fetch a pair of scissors. As she started to run back she tripped and fell over Father O’Connor, jamming the scissors deep in to his right thigh. He let out a muffled noise of pain as he tried to keep his calm. I spent the next hour trying to find a replacement for Father O’Connor. It seemed impossible, they were either too busy or too far away. Finally I found Father O’Donell, who had time to fit us in to his schedule and was located only two counties away. He would make it in time for the ceremony.

In the time it took him to drive over we managed to fit in two more mishaps. First off was my brother. He had a reaction to the vitamins and was sick all over grandmother Duffy. After that my sister in law, Laura, got her bracelet stuck in Susans hair. They had to cut it out. It wasn’t much hair and it didn’t show, but with everything that had went down Susan went ballistic and gave Laura a proper black eye.

It was after all this that we finally reached the end of the ceremony and without a hitch. It was more relief than anything I felt as I leant in against Susan for that kiss that would seal our vows. Just as our lips touched the whole orchard was bombarded with small tennis balls of something that looked like mud. It didn’t smell like mud though and as it turns out it was fertilizer – cow dung! Everyone screamed and tried to take cover best they could. When it stopped and everyone started to settle down father O’Donell said in a strong and loud, yet smooth and calming, voice “God works in mysterious ways. This must indeed be the sign of a fertile marriage”

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