The Airing of Grievances

The ongoing list of things that upset, annoy, disturb, aggravate, harass,irritate,and generally just piss me off. It took me a while to come up with these. But, here's the list of the one-hundred most aggravating things in my life:

Since it's been awhile, I'm posting some new entries as 'extra credit'. These aggravations have not been around long enough to make it into the top one hundred. Given time, I'm sure some of these will top the list.

Extra Credit #1: Joggers and bicyclists. The health-nazis of the world have given us this supergroup of spongeheads. I loathe these people. Not so much because they want to live a healthy lifestyle which will keep them on this miserable planet a little longer. No, I hate these goobs because they run/cycle with a smug look of entitlement while they're in my way. A 2000lb vehicle should always have the right of way over a 150lb douche-nozzle. Let me explain... It is much, much easier for some tree hugging hipster dufus to see a vehicle coming at them and to react accordingly. It is very difficult to be speeding over a hill or around a corner and have to slam on the brakes for some fruit who happens to think the highway is a place to train for the Boston fucking Marathon.

Extra Credit #2: The Kardashians. No super tirade for this one. Just a simple plea, will someone please kill these twats?!

Extra Credit #3: The Gulf oil spill. I don't see what the big deal is. So the water is filthy. It's difficult to sympathize with people who now know what it's like to live by the Missouri river. As for the oil soaked birds, fuck 'em. All they're good for is poping on cars. I will say it upsets me that there are ducks affected by this spill. I love duck. But I can't imagine a duck marinated in 10w30 tastes too good.

Extra Credit #4: Texting. If only there was a way for me to somehow communicate vocally with these thumb-pressers. LOL, ROTFLMAO, FUQ, SMD, KMA

1: Parents who let their 8 year old girls wear shortie shorts that say "hottie", "eye candy", "juicy", etc... Look, unless you are begging for your daughter to grow up to be a prostitute and dumped in a river, step in and take control!  A hamburger is juicy, fruit is juicy, juice is juicy, an adolescent is a kid and should act like one.

2: I can't wait for there to be a definitive study showing cell phones cause brain damage, it will be the greatest day of my life. I actually saw a nitwit driving through South Dakota who had a cell phone in one hand, coffee in the other, and a paper on the steering wheel. The only people who should be allowed to have cell phones are doctors and the President of the United States. Anyone else is pretending to be more important than they really are. If you have to be reached 24/7 you need to re-evaluate your life or... take a vacation.

3: Midwesterners who wear "I love New York" shirts. If you love it that much, go. These are the same people who think they're true patriots by wearing a flag pen on their lapel. Wow, don't give too much of yourself there sporto. By the way, the magnet on your gas-guzzling SUV or your douchebag hybrid is going to ruin the paint job. Oh, the sacrifices you make.

4: Anyone who complains about gas prices, drive an SUV and are holding a $5 cup of coffee from Starbucks. You're an idiot.

5: Colorful language to make something sound more important than what it is. News shows are terrific at doing this. The Weather Channel will actually have a forecast that says " A mainly sunny sky with developing clouds and possible showers". Doesn't that sound like "partly cloudy and rain"?

6: Old people who drive 20mph under the speed limit, don't know where they're going, can't use a turn signal, and can't see over the steering wheel.

7: Speaking of old people, do they lose their sense of smell at a certain age, or do they just not care? 80% of people over 60 smell like they bathed in taco seasoning and pig sweat.

8: Reality TV. Survivor, American Idol, Dancing With The Stars, how is this reality? Here's a good reality t.v. show, me sitting on the couch, scratching my butt watching the news. Or, put cameras in a crack house and watch the hilarity that will insue. That's reality, not scripted, recycled garbage.

9: This goes back to the 8 year olds fashion sense. Just because the newest "Slut of the week celebrity" dresses like a whore, doesn't mean you need to. I guess lack of values is what this is about. Way to go Paris and Brittney. P.S. why do people continue to put people like this on television?

10: This covers 90% of the people in the world but here it goes... you're either rude or you're stupid which of the 2 is it? Examples: taking up an entire aisle at the supermarket while you figure out which of the 84 varieties of peanut butter has the lowest fat content.

11: Birds. What purpose do they serve besides pooping on my car?

12: Gay pride, race pride, etc. parades. Why isn't there a middle aged white guy parade? Oh wait, I guess that's the Thanksgiving parade. Nevermind.

Anyway, pride should be for an accomplishment, not something that you were born into.

Getting an A on a calculus test is an accomplishment. Finding a cure for cancer is an accomplishment. Not stabbing some buckethead throughout the day, that my friend, is an accomplishment.

13: There are a lot of senior citizens in the world. Did they get to be that old by counting carbs? Watching trans fats? Living a vegan lifestyle? My great grandmother lived to be 104 years old. She smoked, drank like a fish, and had all of her meals wrapped in bacon. You know how she lived that long? Because no disease could survive in a body filled with smoke, alcohol, and fat.

14: Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't this planet been around for billions of years? How are plastic bags and fuel emissions going to destroy it? This planet has survived ice ages, tectonic shifts, and Paris Hilton going to jail for thirty seconds. I think it probably sees the human race as nothing more than a pest. Sort of like the fly that has the whole world to fly around but has to continually buzz around your head. We'll eventually be dead and gone and the Earth will somehow survive.

15: Men who wear a sweater tied around their neck or their waist. If you're not going to wear your clothing the proper way, don't wear it. A sweater is not an accessory, it is meant to provide warmth. Plus... you look like an elitist pompous jackass. These are the same trendy fruits that go to a bar and order a spritzer or wine. Hey sissy boy, when you're done gettin' your nails done and your butthole waxed, come on over... I need a new girlfriend.

16: Wearing sandals and socks together is not acceptable! You're basically saying to the world "Shoes are such a hassle, but I don't want to disgust anyone with my hideous 4 toed foot." Also, same holds true for long sleeved shirts and shorts. I also have to include short sleeve shirts and ties in this. Name one time where that's acceptable (and no, selling cars does not count. Though, that's what it looks like).

17: Movie complexes that have 20 screens and show 5 movies. Need I say more. Though I guess it doesn't matter seeing as how I go to the movies maybe four times a year now. Can't handle the rude people out there. I'll cover that later.

18: People who say "You know what I mean." or "You know what I'm saying." after every sentence. "That chicken sandwhich sure was good. You know what I mean". "Boy, my left nut itches, well, you know what I'm saying". AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!

19: Smokers. If you are smoking in your car, that's fine. If you flick the cigarette butt out of your car you're a disgusting slop gut that should be shot in the head. You either realize that what you're doing is totally disgusting and want to eliminate the evidence of said degradation. Or, you're an arrogant prick that thinks it's okay for you to leave your mark on society by throwing stuff out of your car. How about if I come to your house and dump whale crap in your front yard?

20: There should be weight restrictions on clothes. You can't stuff 312lbs of crap into a size 2 outfit. I don't agree with, but I understand form fitting outfits. However, if it's painted on, it's not "form fitting" it's "sexual harrassment".

Anyway, if you weigh more than a small rhino, you do not need to dress like a porn star to attract attention. Believe me, you're going to get attention anyway. Do us all a favor and put on something that is.... I don't know.... appropriate.
   
21: Wow, there's a lot of teachers out there having sex with students. I actually should list this with the things I love. However, since I'm out of school I have to ask... Where were you folks 15 years ago? I guarantee I would've paid more attention in class if I had some hot ho-bag wanting to make sure I understood what it meant to "conjugate the verb". Another perfect example of the downfall of our society.

22: I hate it when police officers get in trouble for using force on some knucklehead who has broken the law. Unfortunately we're too busy protecting a criminals rights, and not concentrating on keeping the nitwit off the streets. Too bad I'm not governor (or President for that matter), all crime should be punishable by public execution.

How is it possible that an officer can get suspended for using excessive force on some dickhead that steals a car and takes it for a leisurely joyride at 100mph across an entire state? If you do something that stupid, you deserve to have your brains beaten out of your nose.

And, if you're the piece of crap lawyer that defends such criminals, I hope you die the most painful of deaths. Actually, I hope your familiy is viciously slaughtered by one of the same criminals you defend, maybe then you'll learn something besides how to collect a paycheck.

Death by a thousand paper cuts soaked in salt water to you.

23: If global warming exists, how come it's so damn cold out?! If it's 3 degrees now, what would it've been 10 years ago? Yikes, I'd complain more, but I have to go shovel the 2 feet of snow off my driveway. Better yet, I'll get Al Gore to do it.

24: People who say "workin' hard or hardly workin?" I want to jam my fingers into their neck and show them their throat before they die. This is always some brain dead hick who is the laziest piece of monkey spunk to set foot in any business. I HATE these people!!!!

25: Bluetooth phones. Who's the asswipe that came up with this new "look at me" technology? I already think people are stupid, what better way to solidify that belief than to have them attach a hearing aid to their ear and let them walk around talking to themselves. I guess the point of this is so they can be "hands free". What, you need both your hands free so you can actually fondle yourself while holding a conversation? As much as I hate cell phones, this version is 100 times worse. I'd love to be able to set this thing to "vibrate", jam it into someones ear, and call it repeatedly until it scrambled their already useless brain.

26:  I hate people who think they're better than everyone else. If only you could imagine having to live with yourself and be as obnoxious as I am.

27: I hate that there's 86 varieties of Cheerios on the market. I remember when there was like 10 kinds of cereal, what happened?

28: I hate that I have to share the road. I feel the speed limit should be whatever I am comfortable driving at. I also shouldn't have to apply unneccessary wear and tear to my brakes just so I can go the speed limit. I also feel that the left hand lane was made for me and me only. If, however, you feel you have to be in my lane, do me a favor and move. Nothing upsets me more than getting stuck behind someone who is looking for an address at a leisurely 15 mph.

29: Did I miss a meeting? When did it become the media's job to only cover bad news. Is there ever anything positive on local news anymore? The most positive thing I've seen in the past 2 weeks was that a girl who was in a near fatal car accident survived. It's sad that that is our version of "good news". No wonder I want to live in a shack in Montana and mail "gifts" to unsuspecting news stations. News should be something that affects me personally. Gas prices can be news (I guess), health care can be news, weather updates, road construction, that can all be news. Some kid getting killed because of a bad parent is not news, it's a tragedy (again, I guess) and should be left alone.

30: I hate children. Specifically, I hate children raised by morons. That being said, any parent that leaves their child in a car unattended, should have to live the rest of their life watching a video of their child being kidnapped, tortured, and murdered. Why would you leave a child in a vehicle?! Are you that stupid?! Everyone is in a hurry. Slow down, and use better judgement Sling Blade.

31: Why do banks get to charge you for giving them your money? What kind of twisted backward logic is this? Here's some money so you'll watch the rest of my money. I'll watch my money for nothing. This is like me giving you money so I can watch your kid. The only difference is that my money gains interest in a bank. Where as I will never gain interest in your kid.

32:  If I needed to get a pay day loan or get a check cashed, there certainly isn't a shortage of places to go. I thought Wal Mart was taking over the world. I was wrong. I opened up my closet the other day only to discover that I could get a pay day loan out of it.

33:  Why, in this day and age, is it okay to have commercials with naked babies in them? There is a disgusting pervert every 15 feet in this country. Why egg them on by flaunting what they most desire at them? Stop the naked babies... now!!!

34: I hate telemarketers and door to door salesmen (as I assume everyone does). If you work in these fields, don't read this.

There is nothing more aggravating than sitting down for dinner and having the flippin' doorbell or phone ring. If I want to purchase something I will get up and go to the store. Or, if I'm feeling lazy (like most of us), I will look for it online. I need some dimwit turnip bothering me when I'm trying to mind my own business about as much as I need to put a shard of glass in my eye. If this is the only kind of job you can find, do us all a favor and kill yourself.

35: Why is there even a conversation involving the idea of singing the Star Spangled Banner in Spanish?!
I am floored by how insanely stupid we have become as a society. If you can't speak the native language of the country you live in, go back home. Hell, I'll pay for the ticket. One way and no chance of returning

If I were moving to Japan, the first thing I'd do, before I bought a ticket, before I packed a bag, before I found a job, before I found a home, is...
I would learn to speak Japanese. What I wouldn't do is go there and expect them to bend to my will or to change on my behalf. 

36: Back to commercials for a moment. There are certain products that I know exist without any marketing. I do not need to know how "fresh" a woman is, or isn't. I don't need to know anything about McDonalds. I don't need to know about adult diapers.  What I do need to know about is new technology, so I can get pissed off about it later. The fact is, I think all women are aware of feminine hygene products. I think seniors are aware of Depends. If you haven't heard of McDonalds by now, then I am truly impressed. Certain companies and products could save a lot of money, and my time, by staying off television.

37: How is it possible that a side effect of a drug could possibly be the ailment it is supposed to heal. Allergy medication has the possible side effect of watery, itchy eyes. That to me sounds close to "DOESN"T WORK". And no, I'm not going to list the other 3000 side effects.

38: How many varieties of bottled water do I really need. I'll tell you that it rhymes with zero. It's also been concluded that approximately 25% of all bottled waters are tap water. And, the average family now spends $1000 a year on bottled water. I hate this because, as I type this, I'm drinking a bottle of Ozarka. So I guess I need at least 1 variety. By the way, it tastes like tap water.

39: If I ever find the asshole that hit my car I'm going to stick my fist in his butt. And then I'm going to repeatedly open and close my hand.

40: What's happened to hamburger? Where did this turkey and bison meat come from? To go along with this, when did this organic craze hit? Everything is organic. Everything came from something. A cat turd is organic, doesn't mean you should eat it. Though my dogs eat 'em and they seem to stay healthy. Maybe we should eat them.

41: I don't smoke, as I stated earlier.  But I don't understand how come I have to be 16 to drive a vehicle that could do far more damage to myself and others in a very quick, grotesque fashion. But I have to be eighteen to start sucking lines into my face. And god forbid if I started smoking before I was eighteen, I have to show ID to purchase the product to help me quit smoking.

42: This has been covered many times over, but why can't cd's and dvd's be packaged in something that doesn't take a damn decade to open. Those stickers are the most aggravating things on the planet that aren't a living being.

43: Anyone with digital cable through Time Warner can attest to this. Leave your program alone. It worked fine until you had to change it. Now I have to reset my cable box everytime anything stronger than a mouse fart comes along. If it aint broke, don't try to fix it. By the way, I don't need my television to be a caller ID box.

44: People who use their children or pets as accesories. I get near homicidal anytime I see a dog in a purse or a child hooked to some goofy ass harness strapped around a parent so they don't have to actually, you know, touch their child. Children are not meant to be worn, and pets are supposed to be walked.

And if you dress your pet in anything other than a collar, you're a dummy-dumb diddy-dunce douchebag and should be shot on sight.

45: I hate, loathe, despise children beauty pageants. This is probably the single most disgusting thing in our society. When your eight year old daughter is wearing more makeup than a transvestite and parading around for any sicko to see, don't come cryin' to me when they get theirs. I repeat, a child should act like a child.

46: What kind of a scam is Valentines Day? If you have to be reminded once a year to tell someone you love them... guess what. And while I'm thinking about it, why do we give flowers on any occassion? The whole purpose of buying flowers is to watch them die. Usually within a couple days. There's nothing else in this world like it. Why should I spend $75 on something that will be in the trash by Tuesday?

47: Why are there edited versions of movies on tv? As funny as it is to see Pulp Fiction on network television, it's also sad. Am I supposed to just guess what the violence and language is? If you can't show it all, don't show any of it. Though, I must admit, it is fun to count how many changes you can find.

48: Albums became 8 tracks. 8 tracks became tapes. Tapes became CD's. CD's became mini CD's for 30 seconds and now it's ipods. How many damn times over my lifetime am I going to have to buy Sgt. Pepper? I assume we'll eventually just plug something into our brain and I'll never have to worry again.

49: Why are there no cool toys anymore? When I was growing up you had G.I. Joe, Star Wars, Transformers, Lego's, Shogun Warriors, we had cool toys. Now, I can't name 1. And no, Playstation and Wii does not count.

50: I guess I'm getting old. Music today sucks. And those damn kids, got to listen to everything so loud, and they're obnoxious. No respect for anything. When I was a kid I had, you won't believe this, a work ethic and common sense. Where did these two things go?

51: Let me explain how I "roll", downhill in a tire or curled up in a ball. That's how I roll. People who use this as a way of saying how they act should "roll" over and play dead.

52: How come the mailbox on my computer is littered with "Single, Christian, and in KC" E-mails? Single?  I'm not, but I understand. KC? I guess you want me to find a mate close to home. Christian? What difference does that make? First off, I'm married so I don't care. But, if I didn't have a mate, I would like them to be whatever they wanted. Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, I don't care if they're into Voodoo. Just be yourself.

53: I love my pets. I have two dogs that I Iove more than the two kids I don't have. But I hate that I have to wear a gasmask anytime I'm near them. When they fart, it is worse than working in a sewage treatment plant. And the only thing worse than their buttjuice is their damn doggie breath. My pug smells like she just hate the butthole out of a rotten deer carcass covered in hot chicken grease, dead fish, and burnt rubber inside a hair perm factory in Iraq during summer. No toothpaste or breath bones can help that.

54: I hate business meetings that last six hours to discuss why productivity is down. I think you just nailed it on the head Fudd. Go back to your hole in the wall and sleep until the next harvest.

55: I had to have my car inspected recently for tag renewal. The dickhole at the dealership I went to didn't want to pass it because the rear window windshield wiper blade was coming apart by a half inch. Two things bother me here. One, I hate myself for going to a dealership in the first place. I know better. Two, how can a car fail because of something that 70% of all vehicles out there don't have? Does a Hummer fail if it's GPS system doesn't work? Piss-off.

56: I'm torn on this one. Political "watchdog" groups. I really do loathe them. But in the same breath, I love how dumb any group of people can be. Did you know the purple Telitubby is gay? Did you know how that will effect the average two year old that watches them? The nephew that I don't have just told me he had to get to Claire's to by a new purse and some earrings. Maybe if these asswipes worried about their own messed up families and lives, and left everyone else alone, we could all live a better life.

57: I hate that I haven't been abducted by aliens. I would love to give them a piece of my mind. Especially the illegal one's.

58: How come we have to watch for families crossing highways? One of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life, besides the retard standing next to a "Slow Children" sign, is the sign posted all along the road heading into and out of San Diego. Again, who would be crossing eight lanes of traffic? Could it possibly be someone that doesn't need to be here anyway?

59: I can't believe Angelina Jolie hasn't adopted me yet? I'm one of what, six people left in the world that she hasn't.

60: I hate that Bill Gates makes more money scratching his nuts, than I will see in ten lifetimes.

61: I hate line dancing.

62: I can't believe I forgot this until now. I HATE prepay gas pumps. Half the time the damn machine doesn't read my card. And, God forbid, I only have cash on me. The idiot working behind the counter always asks "How much do you need?"
Allow me to tell you what every ableminded person in America wants to say to you:

I'm filling my  tank you needledick dimwit! If I were psychic I wouldn't need gas. My chauffer would get it for me, on my way to the Montel Williams show to be with that Jabba the Hutt looking fake.

That being said, the next time you have to go inside and prepay for gas, do it a quarter at a time and make sure your tank is empty. Gas stations can stick it right up their ass. Just please, have a lighter handy when you do it.

63: How is it possible to have a show called "Sex and the City" on basic cable and not have sex in it. It's the first word in the title and it's the only reason to watch that piece of crap.

64: I hate gas grills. If you own a gas grill, you don't know how to cook. Charcoal grills are one of the last true bastions of American cooking and these snobby prisses I've already discussed are ruining it. There's another name for a gas grill, it's a stove, and it belongs in a kitchen. In a kitchen, not on a deck or patio.

65: I hate murderers that just dump a body where it can easily be found. Take a little pride in your work and hide that body. Don't be lazy, you got to rise above.

66: Why is it so difficult to get an actual living person on a telephone? In case you haven't noticed, I hate phones. I think they are a nuisance and should be banned. However, on the few rare occasions that I must talk to somebody, I want to actually be able to talk to that person without going through forty three steps to do so.
For English press one
For Spanish press dos
For french (not capitalized on purpose) ask another country to help you out
For new accounts press four
For existing accounts press five
For existing accounts that you wish to change press six
For a recap of yesterday's "Young and the Restless" press *13
For a recipe from Martha Stewarts cookbook press *6
To speak to a human being, please visit www.eatme.com to get our address. Then call ext.12896754 wait for the third ring, text the message "this sucks ass" , shave your neighbors back, watch "The Breakfast Club", spit watermelon seeds at an old lady, and then hang up. We promise to call you back withing 6-8 working days to set up your appointment. Have a nice day.
AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

67: Cereal that tries to pass itself off as healthy. I bought a box of Apple Jacks last week that came with a free pedometer. What's the point? Let's make this person feel better about buying our sugar filled, tooth rotting, give 'em the shakes, cereal by putting a flippin' step counter in the box. That way they can wear it when they walk to the dentist or doctor's office. Just stupid.

68:  Self help groups. What is this crap? How about self motivation instead. Accept your responsibilities and take care of yourself and your family. Don't depend on others to do it for you. If I have to go to AA to stop my alcohol dependancy, all I've done is replaced it with another one. I now depend on others to take care of me.

69: What's there to hate about 69?

70: How loud do we really need speakers to be? If I can hear your car from across state lines, you could probably turn it down a bit. And do we really need to ruin the foundation of our homes by making the whole house shift from bass frequencies? The only good thing to come from this is that these people will all end up deaf within ten years.

71: Is it just me or is the world turning gay? Mind you, I don't care if you want to stick your willie in hot bread pudding. I don't care. But, over the top flamboyance is disgusting. When I go to a restaurant I don't want to be hassled by someone wearing a "I love cock" T- shirt and shorts that appear to be concealing a walnut factory. And, when I turn on the tv, I don't want to be bombarded with 9000 shows involving some guy screeching "sister please" or "fabulous". This is not normal behavior.

Can we please extend the "Don't ask, don't tell" rule to cover every aspect of life?  A lot of people who claim to want to "blend in" are really going out of their way to stand out.

72: Yesterday I saw a moron driving a motorcycle one handed beacuse he was trying to talk on a phone. And he had a damn helmet on. It's things like this that are going to cause me to have a heart attack before I'm 35.

Stupid people will be the death of me.

73: Gas prices. Don't complain every time gas goes up a nickle in price. with a 15 gallon tank, that's seventy-five cents more to completely fill up. I can find seventy-five cents on the ground. Quit complaining. If you don't like it, don't get it. I'll be the first to say three dollars is excessive. But, you put yourself into the position of needing it. You have yourself to blame.

74: There are people starving in this world, homeless people, children who can't get school supplies, and yet there's some doink spending $100 million to go into outer space. Wow.

75: Why can't road construction be done overnight? And, how much does the person holding the "slow/stop" sign earn? I'm sure they're overpaid.

76: In regards to infants, if you are the proud parent of a child who screams at the top of their lungs in public, you and your child should both be boiled alive.

77: I love the grunge music scene. The early 90's was absolutely fantastic. Anything that came out of Seattle was great. Long live flannel. However, I find it to be in poor taste when I turn on the tv and see a commercial for a baseball video game using a Nirvana song as it's soundtrack. I am glad Kurt Cobain is dead because if he weren't, he'd shoot himself in the head all over again for this travesty.

78: People who answer their own questions drive me nuts. Where was I going with this? Oh yes, I hate this style of conversation. How is this possible? I can't understand it.  When will this end? I don't see it happening.

79: Why is torture wrong? In order for us to acquire information about would be terrorist attacks, I think we should be allowed a little torture. Nothing subtle like broken glass in the anus. I'm talking about skinning someone alive and wrapping them in a salt covered blanket. Slicing someone's arm from elbow to wrist. Pouring honey in the wound. And letting the bees get 'em. Fun stuff like that. Can you honestly say if we caught someone who was planning to bomb an elementary school, you wouldn't want to get as much out of that piece of shit as we could?
I didn't think so.

80: Back to the lighter side. How many versions of Coke or Pepsi do we need. Regular and Diet. That's it. I don't need Coke Zero, Coke Plus, Vanilla Coke, Cherry Coke, Coke with Lime, and all their diet counterparts. It's a bit much wouldn't you say?

81: Why do senior citizens get discounts? Why is it an accomplishment to simply not die? Why isn't there a teenager discount? Do I get an Indian discount? How about a blonde hair, blue eye discount? The only reason I can see giving an old fart a discount is, because it is an accomplishment to have not annoyed someone to the point of murdering them yet.

I went to the movies today (one of two times I will this summer) and the old bitch in front of me actually asked "Do I get anything free for being a senior citizen?"

Here's what you get, a free diaper change. Now sit down, shut up, and wait to die.

82: Recently there was a news story here about a girl abducted from a parking lot. Her body was later found.  The newscaster reporting when the body was discovered said "We can only hope that the body found is not that of..". My question is, If it isn't the body of who everyone suspects it to be, does that make it ok? Are we supposed to celebrate somebody we didn't know was missing has now been found murdered? Imagine the celebration that would cover the news stations, and then imagine a different family discovering their child was found. News reporters should learn common, basic ethics before they're allowed to report. Or, they should have their families gang raped by a herd of water buffalo and have some brain dead prick there to report it.

83: Why do women take so damn long to get ready to do anything? I can wake up, get out of bed, and be ready to leave in three minutes. It doesn't matter though, because it takes my wife another two hours to get ready. I don't get it. Hair, clothes, shoes, purse, perfume, makeup. All of this is before I even think about the ritual of home preperation.

Lock the doors, put the dogs downstairs, open the closet for the cat, turn on the outside lights, make sure the stove is off, the answering machine is on, the ceiling fans are off, the refrigerator is shut, next of kin is notified, hair and tissue samples are sent to the lab, urine samples are taken, paint the kitchen, wash the dishes, vacuum the floors.

All of this to go two blocks to get a paper.

84: This only mildly annoys me. Do you ever notice the signs in restaurant restrooms? They say "Wash your hands. Remember, you're handling someone's food". As I read this, I am holding my pee-stick in my hand and thinking to myself "What kind of a sick world am I living in? Does this place know that I'm about to be killed by some cannibal that has a craving for a cream of cock sandwhich?" I find this amusing.

85: Why are bad parents allowed to breed? One of my biggest frustartions is seeing some dirty, white trash, ho-bag hauling thirteen kids around. No money to support any of them. Depending on we, as a society, to keep them going. In the meantime, she's opening her legs for any crack addict that will come along, and populating our world with more babies to arrest in thirteen years.

It should be a requirement to pass both a financial and mental test before you are allowed to procreate. Unfortunately, this would likely be the demise of our country as we would reduce our population to next to nothing.

86: Why do I get subscription forms for magazines I already have a subscription to? The same holds true for watching events on pay per view. Why do they tell you that "such and such is brought to you live and only on pay per view". I know it's on pay per view, I just keyed it in.

87: Who is the advertising guru behind the "pamphlet on the windshield" campaign? When I find the jerkhole who is putting flyers on my car for restaraunts, fitness facilities, work from home, avon, churches (God's home, not the chicken), newspapers, dry cleaners, home loans, and computer repair, I am going to commit the most heinous of crimes upon their person. I've saved everyone of these annoying papers just so I can find one responsible party, and staple them all to various parts of the offenders body.

88: What's the need for all the tinted windows on cars? Does this make a person feel like a celebrity? Is it because you're a drug dealer? I assume the reason to have them is so that no one will see you scratching yourself, adjusting your boobs, or burying your finger three knuckles deep into your nose.

89: Had a woman come into the store I work at and ask for organic baby diapers today. This wonk-a-donk has too much money.

90: Why was I forced to spend $10,000 in dental work for an area that covers 2 square inches maximum? In the meantime, a boob job costs half that. Can't I just have teeth made of boobs? They'd cost less, and I'd be happier. In all seriousness though, I am usually a cheapskate. And, if I were thinking at the time, I would have just bought a $1.29 box of white Tic-Tacs and saved a fortune. Like I've said throughout this, I am also a retard.

91: When did airport security turn into stormtroopers? I know it was after 9/11. But, I think we're going a little far. When elderly ladies and infants are being screened or mothers are having their baby bottles confiscated, we've gone too far. Profiling should not only be legal, it should be used. I seriously doubt Grandma Verna is going to hijack a plane with her shampoo. Equally, a two month old child that is able to take control of a plane with a bottle of Enfamil not only has my respect, but deserves to get to go wherever they want.

"Listen up! I got a bottle and a diaper full of poop. I want to go see the Power Rangers on Ice! If I don't get to, you will all suffer!"

or even better,

"Listen here damnit, I got my shampoo bottle and a diaper full of poop. I got to get to the Buffet before 4:30 or you'll all suffer. Where the hell did I put my walker?"

I think we've turned stupid. Well, maybe not "turned".

92: I hate celebrities that piss and moan about going to jail. When Paris Hilton gets out of jail after forty-whatever days, she is going to make millions of dollars telling her story. If I went to prison for any length of time, I wouldn't make a dime off of it. All I would get to show for my time in jail is a bleeding rectum from being raped. It's not fair.

93: Have you ever sat through the credits at the end of a movie. Jumpin' Jesus with a camcorder Christ!  How long do credits need to be?  I think twenty minutes is a wee-bit long. And, who cares about them? If I were the "Assistant to the second stand-in for the Key Grips Chauffer's pet Chihuahua" I don't think I would need to see my name in print at the end of a three hour crapfest.

94: The next big thing in roadway beautification. Roundabouts. What is the purpose of these giant cement circles in the middle of a road? If you are the city planner that comes up with these nuisances, please assemble a task force to devise a better way to spend taxpayers money. There is a shopping district in our city that you must pass through three of these annoying eyesores to get to. After leaving, I went home and built a roundabout in my living room.

95: There are two things about women that I find to be disgusting. I figured I would combine them here.

The first, women with tattoos. No ,matter how good looking you are, if you have a tattoo, you are white trash. It might be a sexy rose or vine right now, but in twenty years, it's going to be a bush. If you insist on defacing your body, do something that isn't permanent.

The second, women who smoke. It carves lines into your face. It stains your teeth. It makes you smell like an ash-factory. And, I'm sorry, it makes you look like you're blowing somebody with a tiny pecker.

96: When you go to get a flu shot, why don't they tell you that you're being injected with the plague? This goes back to the side effects. One of the side effects of getting a flu shot is... you guessed it, coming down with the flu. Why would I ever want to spend $40 to let somebody poke me with a needle just so I can get ill? Another one of the side effects of getting a flu shot is that you may turn ignorant.

97: I have an aunt that was solicited by a church to join their congregation. One of the forms she had to fill out was a credit check. What the fuck is this?! It is sad that religion has become a business. If I have no income, does that mean I can't practice a faith? Plus, I firmly believe, if God wanted me to be rich, He would teach me how to embezzle, sell drugs, launder money, kidnap children of celebrities, or some other nefarious plot.

98: How come every male between the ages of twelve and twenty-five thinks they have to show off their underwear? I saw a kid the other day that had his underwear exposed from his ankles to his nipples. Conversely, why does every male over the age of seventy have to pull their pants up to their chinline? I think I've figured it out. From birth to twenty-five, the male brain is still developing. We feel compelled to still be partially, if not completely, naked. Once a man reaches seventy, the brain starts to deteriorate. Well, not "start to". The brain is in it's death throes and feels that as time is ending I need to cover myself completely for the inevitable bowel release I experience at death.

99: How come the "Back to School" push begins while kids are still in summer school? Believe me, I am all in favor of kids having to go to school year round. God forbid, we may raise a nation of something besides mindless, me-first, zombies.
However, as long as we still have to observe a summer break, why do businesses feel compelled to push for an inflated, fabricated sales rush four weeks after school was finished? Of course, if I were a high school student, I couldn't wait to get back to class. I'd be that much closer to a teacher having sex with me.

100: Last one. I work in a grocery store. It has helped shape me into the cynical wise-ass that I am. The other day there was this idiot customer comparing the grams of sugar in a box of Grape-Nut's to the grams of sugar in Capn' Crunch. The following words actually came out of their blow-hole: " I can't believe there's this much sugar in Capn' Crunch". Allow me to explain... It's Capn' Crunch you dumbass! Sugar is what holds it together! Did you just step off the surface of Mars?!
Why on Earth, would you ever think this is supposed to be good for you?

That, my friends, is why I hate people.