The Long Kiss Goodnight

Long Kiss Goodnight


We would never be this way again. I would never again wake up to the sound of her meditating in the morning. The smell of the bathroom after she showered...a combination of her cologne and the soaps she used. I would never again yell upstairs to her to come and eat because i wasn't gonna fix her plate, but five minutes later I would be bringing it to her upstairs while she worked.

This time tomorrow I would be on a plane headed to to Florida and she would be in her new condo across town. We had picked out this apartment together, the towels, the dishes, the spoons and forks...everything. Together. Now it had all been divided up and sent in different directions. We could have left a long time ago, but neither of us wanted to be the first...or last to go. It was her idea, to stay until the last day of the lease..sleeping on an air mattress and living off take out and lunch meat. Our big girls slumber party. For a while it was like old times, before we grew apart, before I no longer made her happy. Before she came home one afternoon and told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, and didn't know if she ever would be.

My whole world fell apart in that instant, the distance between us grew by leaps and bounds. She didn't want my dinners, she didn't ask for my opinions on her designs. I ceased to exist. When she got the job of her dreams with one of the biggest fashion houses on the east coast, I wanted to celebrate with her. She waned to celebrate with her new friends, the elite, the well to do, all the things I had never been. I didn't fit into her new lifestyle.

I can hear her getting out of the shower, I want to run to her, beg her not to do this, tell her that we can get through this. But I know there is no use. I know she doesn't think I know about my replacement, but i'm way smarter than that. I knew from the fist time I met her,I knew before they did. I knew when she looked at her longer than necessary, and talked to her more than she spoke to me. I knew when her calls became more frequent and there were more giggles than words exchanged.

She's drying off...reaching for the cocca butter lotion....then brushing her teeth, I know the routine so well. I have the contours of her hips memorized, the taste of the side of her neck after the gym. The way she cuts the crusts off of her bread like a kid. The way her eyes roll up in her head when i do that certain thing. Every inch of her being is burned into my brain.

She stands at the bathroom door, and watches me, my tears fall and she looks at me. Like she did back then, like my tears were breaking her heart. Like she loved me. She bent before me and kissed my tears. Wrapped her arms around me and told me that I would be okay.

I wrapped my arms around her and held on to her for dear life. My soft sobs became hard painful cries, and as much as I tried to retain my last shreds of dignity, I couldn't.

"We can do this." I said trying to breathe. I had begun to cry so hard that i was doing that gasping cant catch your breath thing. All the pain and rejection were being expelled through these tears. "Please, all i've ever wanted is you. My first steps were toward you. My first words were your name. I cant be alone in this world. I need you.....I need you." As that was said I felt myself being transformed into the biggest ass in the world. I was dying, in physical pain, my spirit as well as my heart was broken beyond repair. I couldn't believe that she would leave me broken like this. Maybe she never really did love me.

When she finally did speak she had tears on her cheeks as well. She looked almost ashamed, as if she knew this was wrong but for some reason refused to just give up the stupid game. "We've come to a fork in the road, an impass. You want left, I want right...and neither of us will be happy following the other. I loved you the first time i saw you, became captivated by you when i first heard you speak. Leaving you is like suicide to my soul, but at the same time I have to experience me and see if iIcan do this on my own. No matter what we do as individuals we cant outwit destiny. My love, if the universe has plans for us, then they will come to pass."

The words were no consolation, my stomach began to quiver and I felt sick. Is this what heartbreak feels like? Like life and death combined to make a new being. Like having the door closed on life as you've come to know it. Like having your whole existance mean nothing, and you're left wondering what you did to deserve this pain. This was it exactly.

She lifted my lowered head and looked into my eyes. A long look full of questions with no answers, I was silent then, the words were utterly useless and I was exhausted.

She kissed me, my last kiss, the last time I would feel her tongue against mine. The last time I would feel her body's heat. She walked away and I knew then more than before, we would never be the same