It Works Both Ways

It Works Both Ways
By Marilyn Mackenzie


A few days ago, or maybe it was yesterday, I read something written by a young writer about how tough today’s teens have it. I must agree that children and teens today have a tough time. And I also have to agree that much of what has happened to kids today is the fault of parents.

It may not be entirely poor parenting skills, though, that has caused the problems of the young today. Some of the fault lies in society as a whole, not just in the parents. Society today dictates that we cannot, for instance, use physical punishment, even though the Bible clearly states in Proverbs 13:24, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” That’s where we get the old saying, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”

Society has decided how and whether we are to discipline our children. And then society looks at parents as if they have failed in raising their children, even though they have taken one method for good parenting away from them.

The above mentioned article also stated that children and teens today have things far worse off than their parents or any other generation. There, too, I have to both agree and disagree.

I know, for instance, that my parents and grandparents went through a depression that was far worse than any economic problems I have ever faced.

I also know that my own life has included:

Having an alcoholic parent.
Having parents who did not communicate with their children (until they reached adulthood) about anything really important.
Having parents who did not share any knowledge about managing a home or finances with their children, nor about love or about having children – the joys or the burdens.
Having one parent – my father – who thought that college was useless for females.

My childhood included being a very insecure and shy child. It included being teased for playing the violin, for wearing glasses, for taking French classes, for not wearing the latest fashions, and for being a bookworm.

In my childhood and teen years, I saw the assassination of President John Kennedy, his brother Bobby.

In my youth, I saw successful space missions – from the first manned flights to the first moon landing. I also witnessed the deaths (via television) of Command Pilot Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom, Senior Pilot Ed White, and Pilot Roger B. Chaffee in Apollo !.

Musicians of the time fell from grace because of drug overdoses, some even dying. And others fell from the sky. Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson, died in a plane crash on February 3, 1959. Although I was just a young child when that happened, I was reminded of it again and again when their music continued to play on the radio, and when movies were made about them. Later, the phrase, “The Day the Music Died” was coined by Don McLean in his 1971 tribute song about the crash, “American Pie.” And the memories were dredged up again.

As a high school student, I witnessed the first teacher’s strike, and it was a long one. The strike threatened my graduation and I chose to cross the picket lines, where non-union college professors filled in for our union high school teachers. With a father whose career depended on the union (a sheet metal mechanic), choosing to cross a picket line did not make me popular in my family.

My high school years also included race rioting in the school hallways, with windows broken and people hurt by flying glass and other objects. National news programs showed race riots throughout the land, with young National Guardsman watching as cities burned. (One cousin shared that he stood guard without any bullets in his gun. I wonder what they were supposed to do with empty guns?) Civil rights, rioting, and the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. were a part of my world.

I was locked into one classroom for hours once, as school officials and the police tried to get topless female war protesters off school property without injuries.

There were sports heroes who rose to fame and others who slunk away in shame.

There were preachers who became famous by honestly sharing God’s word (Billy Graham), and a cult leader whose fame came at the expense of his followers (Jim Jones).

There was a war in Vietnam and many young people demonstrating against it. In my own family, I had one cousin who went to war, one who went to jail for refusing to go, and one who fled to Canada. And Kent State will be forever known as the place where, on May 4, 1970, an Ohio National Guard unit shot at students in response to war protests on and around campus, killing four and wounding nine.

We had the Manson Family, the Tate and La-Bianca murders, and Helter Skelter in our news.

We watched as our music technology changed from vinyl records to 8-track tapes to the same audio tapes still in use (some) today. We went from having manual typewriters to electric ones. There were suddenly hand-held battery operated calculators, instead of bulky electric ones.

More and more cars were made with automatic transmissions and air conditioning became standard on them, instead of something one had to choose (and pay more). Homes started installing air conditioning as well.

There were many, many changes in technology in the years between my birth and teen years. There were many tragedies as well.

And, the year that I turned 21, a female cousin (about 23 years old) with whom I had only started spending time and getting to know was raped and murdered in her apartment. My brother and her brother were never the same after that.

I am not trying to make my years as a youth and teen sound any better or worse than those of today’s youth and teens. And I am certain that my own parents and grandparents could have shared similar lists of both tragedies and blessings that touched their lives and helped shape them.

I do wonder if our children today have a harder time coping with life when it turns ugly than we did, or than our parents and grandparents did. If that is so, I wonder why.

Personally, I think that families – parents and kids alike – would benefit from those nightly gatherings we had called “eating dinner.” As we ate around the dining table each night, we shared our daily joys and sorrows and we helped each other cope.

The writer I mentioned at the beginning lamented that parents today do not listen to their kids. They only talk at them, not with them. I had to smile at that comment, because I think I used very similar words when I was quite young about my own parents and the parents of my friends.

In some ways, I think parents today listen more than ours ever did. But in other ways, I think that writer was right. Not long ago, I was in a store when a young man tried to talk with his mother. Although it was apparent that she listened to his words, it was also evident to me that she was not listening to his heart, to his real reason for the words he spoke. And perhaps that is what the writer really meant when she said that parents don’t listen.

I used to tell my son the same thing that my mother told me. “If you want to have a friend, you need to be a friend.” I believe the same applies to communicating with parents. Most parents I have known, including my own, never really changed from the doting parents they were when their kids were young. What changed were the kids themselves. Kids suddenly didn't want to share their entire worlds with their parents, and that, unfortunately is quite normal. But, because the original change was initiated by the kids, the next one probably has to come from them as well.

I don’t know many parents who, once they got over the initial shock and fear of what might be horribly wrong, would not enjoy having their teen pull up a chair and saying, “Hey folks, can we talk?”

If the latest world events have been bothering you, you might also ask your parents what kinds of things they experienced in their teen years. You might just be surprised.



************

Hmmm. It appears that the item I read and the author are both gone now. I do hope that I was not the cause of that.

This is what I wrote in my review:

I thank you for writing this. As I began reading, I have to honestly say that I was with you about thinking about how much harder life has been for kids recently. But then I started recalling my own youth and teen years and realized that I had - and so had others my age - experienced quite a bit of tragedy as well. I ended writing about it.

You are right, though, that parents and their teens have to start communicating, especially if they are bothered by the happenings around them. It helps to talk. It helps to know that someone cares.

Suggestions:

1) Your title shoudl be, A teenager's trouble
2) I'm not sure that the capital letters are that effective.
Your last words are perfect. "Be a parent. Love your child." That speaks volumes.

Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie

P.S. Sometimes I write about things because they're bothering me. If this is an issue with you, perhaps you need to print out your writing and show your parents. Then, don't forget to ask about what it was like when they were your age too.