"Good Friday" Bad Day for Felon

WC 461         

Good Friday Bad Day for Felon:

Wedgy Plucker Nabbed at Church

By Jack Rawlins

Lestchester, NY ---Quick response to an irate worshiper's phone call Friday led to the capture of Herman Wilson, a.k.a. "The Wedgy Plucker." Wilson, long on the city's most wanted list, was captured Friday as he fled The Church of What's Happening Next. Patrolman Joel Nikie, less than a block away when dispatched, sprinted to the scene, spotted Wilson on The Church steps, tackled, and subdued him.

The Plucker, sporting two black eyes, appeared before Judge Fairashell at City Hall on Tues. April 6. A witness said the black eyes were not the result of police brutality.The Wedgy Plucker got the first black eye from a hard right delivered when he plucked a wedgy from a woman in front of him as she rose for a hymn. The woman gave him the second black eye when he tried to put the wedgy back.

As the stunned Wedgy Plucker reeled to the entrance, the lady called 911.

Seasonal Predator

According to Police Captain Sam Gotcha, after a winter hiatus the serial Wedgy Plucker was on the prowl again as women shed winter coats. In the past two weeks 26 goosed women filed complaints against "an unknown assailant." Until Friday, none was able to provide a description.

All incidents took place in crowds. Bus stops and subway stations were his favorite hunting grounds. Because of his size ---he makes Danny DeVito look tall ---he was never noticed until he struck. His modus operandi: pluck, duck, stoop, mingle, blend-with-the-crowd, and vanish.His technique was so effective even those with quick reflexes often turned and slapped an innocent bystander.

Feral Attraction

During the hearing, the accused described his compulsion as "a feral attraction." He said a wedgy was like a trapped animal that he had to set free. Judge Fairashell said he could not condone animal behavior.

The Judge bristled at the Plucker's contention that he provided a social service. The Plucker argued that he helped women keep their dignity rather than attempt to sneak a quick tug to loosen a well-lodged offender.

The Plucker said, "Your Honor, I've seen women hop on one foot for 20 yards as they try to dislodge a wedgy. But a solid wedgy is not like an ear full of water. You can't just shake it out. In fact, I've had several women say, 'Thanks for your help.' One even invited me home for milk and cookies."

Judge Fairashell was not moved. He sentenced Mr. Herman to counseling, and six months in jail for heinous crimes against the heinie.