Skeptical?

What you Need
SET: On Stage Left, a door where the other room is hidden from the audience should be outline by a framework of stone, perhaps covered with ivy. What seems like the bottom parts of a large stone should be leaning or laying nearby, so the audience can see them split down the middle with a large, red ribbon and seal snapped apart. Caution tape should surround the entire place, including the aisleways, giving the illusion of a crime scene.

CHARACTERS:
         Aidan: the atheist Chief of Police, interrogative, the “bad cop”
         Tyra: the Christian 2nd of Police, Aidan’s opposite, more diplomatic
         Adrian: the athiest police officer/runner/“gopher”
                   **All cops dressed in all black, black boots, gold star badges, with clipboards, pens, and a nightstick each.**
         Mary Magdalene: an ex-prostitute disciple of Christ, with a lot of attitude
                   **Ankle-length denim skirt, heeled boots, nice teen-ish dress shirt**
         Mary: An older lady, quite grandmotherly
                   **Conservative shirt, skirt, and shoes**
         Peter: in absolute shock, having problems speaking
         John: excited, trying to calm Peter but failing miserably
                   **Nice jeans, plain white t-shirts**
         Guards: at the tomb when the Resurrection happened, completely terrified, but being bribed bu the high priest to lie.
                   **Like police, but with guns in place of nightstick**
         High Priest: busy bribing the guards so everything gets twisted, pompous
                   **Richly dressed, lots of gold/silver sparkly jewelry, kind of gaudy**
         Angel: a bystander watching calmly, even when interrogated
                   **White robe, wings, halo**
         Jesus: calm, somewhat amused by everything
                   **Nice jeans and an open white robe**
         Narrator: offstage















(CURTAIN)

(All is not quiet. Police extras are milling around, taking notes, “pictures”, and muttering quietly among themselves about a “resurrection” and how nothing adds up. MARY M., MARY, JOHN, and PETER stand to stage right, away from the tomb, trying to get PETER out of shock. The GUARDS are speaking with the HIGH PRIEST, who appears to be dangling a sack of money in front of them like bait.)

AIDAN
(enters from the tomb, making notes on the clipboard)
OK, Tyra, tell me if I missed anything. What we have is an empty tomb, a broken rock, and folded cloth.
(Turns back to tomb)

TYRA
(follows her out)
Well, we do have a lot of witnesses, Aidan, what about-

AIDAN
(snapping)
Witnesses are unreliable! Don’t they teach you recruits anything anymore?


TYRA
(shrugging)
I don’t see why we shouldn’t try. We have people from every side-

AIDAN
Next you’re going to suggest that we take them all home and give them milk and cookies! This is a close-and-shut case. But just to shut you up, we’ll talk to the guards.
(Stalks off towards the guards)

TYRA
(smiles to herself, following)

AIDAN
(the GUARDS leap to attention at her approach, from where they were talking to the HIGH PRIEST)
All right. I want you boys to tell me and Tyra what happened this morning.

GUARDS
Well. . . uh. . .
(They glance at HIGH PRIEST, who nods, then look back)
I fell asleep on watch, while he was asleep. . .
And then we woke up, and the whole rock was just ripped apart! Like that!
It was crazy!
And then we were like, “Well, it’s gotta be those crazy disciples of his, I mean, they were going on about resurrection on the third day or whatever”
So that’s why we called you to investigate.
AIDAN
(glances back at TYRA, who is smiling lightly)
What do you know that I don’t?

TYRA
(to HIGH PRIEST)
What’s your name?

HIGH PRIEST
Zebidiah.

TYRA
What position are you? In the synagogue, I mean.

HIGH PRIEST
(rolling eyes)
I’m a Pharisee, duh.

TYRA
How much did all your jewelry cost?

HIGH PRIEST
About $20,000. Why?

TYRA
How much money did you give the guards to lie?

HIGH PRIEST
$20000. Oh - no, wait, I mean -

TYRA
(walks away. AIDAN follows)

AIDAN
(shocked)
How did you know that?!

TYRA
“And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the solders, saying, say ye, ‘His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept. And if this comes to the governor’s ears, we will persuade him and secure you.’ So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews even to this day.”
AIDAN
Don’t start quoting that piece of cardboard, Tyra. You know it’s not true.

TYRA
(smiling)
It just helped, didn’t it? Let’s go talk to the disciples here, and see what they have to say.
(They do so)
Good afternoon, gentlemen, ladies. We’d like to ask you some questions.

AIDAN
(to PETER)
Pull yourself together, man!

PETER
(shaking)
I - I - I - I - I - ca-can’t belie-eve i-it. . .

JOHN
(bouncing around)
He’s in shock! It actually came true! Well, we knew it would! We knew it’d come true! He told us it would!

AIDAN
(sighs)
All right. Where were you this morning, guys?

JOHN
We were in our hotel room, trying to comfort each other from Friday, and then the Marys come running in screaming something about a resurrection and an empty tomb and a broken stone and something about the end of the world and Peter and I came running and we saw it and we knew it’d come true and Peter started shaking and I just got so excited, it’s like your birthday only better-

AIDAN
(shakes HIM hard)
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! Now, how about you calm down and actually tell us what happened, not babble on about him and a resurrection and whatever else you were!

TYRA
(pulls her back)
Aidan, calm down. Ok, John, you said that you weren’t there, but the women were?

JOHN
Yeah! Yeah! That’s exactly right! I don’t know, maybe they know what happened!

TYRA
(turns to MARY M and MARY)
Were you there?

MARY
I had left to find the gardener, but Mary stayed and wept at the tomb, so I don’t know what happened then-

MARY M.
I’ll tell ‘em, Mary. I was standing there, sobbing - it’s like your best friend’s body just got stolen - and all of a sudden there was this guy just kinda standing there, and He asked me why I was crying. I thought Mary’d sent over the gardener, so I was like, “If you stole my Lord, dude, tell me what you did with his body,” ‘cause I was really upset. Then He said my name, and I was like “Jesus!” And I started crying again and he told me to tell the others and then Mary came back and she started crying -

AIDAN
(staring intently)
You look familiar, have I seen you. . . that’s right, you’re that prostitute that almost got stoned. I think I’ve arrested you before. Would you like to see that jail again?
Hey, and isn’t there controversy about you and this Jesus and sleeping toget-

MARY M.
(Puts hands on hips)
You’ve been reading to much Dan Brown.

TYRA
I think we’ve gotten what we need. Thanks, you two. Do you want to go question that ang - I mean, bystander - and see what he knows?

AIDAN
We may as well, we seem on a spree.
(They walk over to be intercepted by ADRIAN, who comes running up the center aisle and ducks under the caution tape)

ADRIAN
There’s been a sighting! Over near Emmaus!

AIDAN
Of who? Elvis? Bigfoot?

ADRIAN
No! That Jesus chap!

AIDAN
It sounds like these Christans have been hallucinating. Let’s get this guy interviewed so I can write up my report to send to Pilate.
(They walk over to the ANGEL)

AIDAN
I want you to answer my questions. Or I’m going to arrest you for loitering at a crime scene.

ANGEL
(shrugs)
All right.

AIDAN
What happened here? And no lies!

ANGEL
You know the man they crucified last Friday? Let’s just say He’s not dead.

AIDAN
All right, smart aleck, are you going to tell me he was sitting there for three days roasting marshmallows?

ANGEL
(smiles)
Did you find any sticks or firewood in there?

AIDAN
Well, if you think you’re so smart, tell me why this Jesus guy really is the Son of God.

TYRA
(exasperated)
Aidan, not this again!

ANGEL
OK. Let me count.
(Holds up fingers, knocking off points)
Why would someone die for something that was a lie? Jesus showed no signs of mental illness or using hypnosis. The probability of the 8 prophesies of the Messiah in the Old Testament or Torah being fulfilled by one person is 1 to 8 hundred million billion. . . or an 8 with 17 zeros behind it. Ancient historical writers such as Josephus, Tacitus, and Pliny the Younger all recognized Christ’s existence. And let’s admit that you guys know how to crucify - there was no way he was alive when you took him off the cross.

AIDAN
But you just said he didn’t die! That’s contradictory!

ANGEL
It’s no more contradictory than saying that I’m speaking to you. You have to be dead before you can be resurrected from the dead. Duh.

(Just then, a man, his face covered with a white veil, strides down the center aisle and ducks under the caution tape. The MARYs point and mutter to the two MEN, the ANGEL grins, and TYRA drops to the floor, face-down)

AIDAN
This is a crime scene! Step back or I will have you arrested.

JESUS
(somewhat amused)
Go ahead. You can’t arrest me.

AIDAN
Try me. Who are you, anyway?

JESUS
You can stand up, Tyra.
(She does)
Who do you think I am?

AIDAN
What type of question is that?

JESUS
Who do you think I am?

AIDAN
Some yahoo with no respect for the Jerusalem police department! Now I’m going to place you under-

TYRA
No you aren’t.

AIDAN
(spinning onto her)
And why not, Deputy?! Who gives orders around here?!

TYRA
(pointing at Jesus)
He does.

AIDAN
I’ll fire you for insubordination.
TYRA
Go ahead.

JESUS
Ladies, there’s no need for this. To answer your questions, and since you aren’t a religious person, to put it simply. . . I’m God.

AIDAN
Funny. Very funny. Now put your hands on the squad car over there and drop any weapons you may have.

JESUS
(without moving, amused)
I don’t carry weapons. And I’m not going to get arrested again. I’m who you’re looking for. . .
(Explains at her blank look)
You know, the body who’s supposed to be in that tomb? Yeah, well, I’m that body, I’m just not a body right now.

AIDAN
(losing confidence)
Really. . . funny.

ADRIAN
(makes a strangled noise and falls to the floor at Jesus’ feet)
I’m sorry, I want you to forgive me, I want you to save me like you did that guy on Friday-

JESUS
(smiling)
Stand up. I can do that, no problem. What about you, Chief?

AIDAN
Hmph. Not happening. I’m not stupid. I-I. . .
(Loses nerve)
OK. . .
(starts crying)

JESUS
(hugging her gently)
You don’t need to cry, I know you’re sorry. . .

(The police extras stand around, watching, confused. The guards gasp and hit their knees, and the high priest mutters in Yiddish and runs down a side aisle, leaving in a hurry)

AIDAN
(rips up her report paper)
This case is closed! I’m done!

TYRA
(puts her hand on AIDAN’s shoulder as JESUS smiles, shakes her hand, and walks over to the four estatic DISCIPLES)
I think we need to go to Starbucks and get a Frappachino. What do you think? Maybe you and I can talk.

(TYRA, AIDAN, and ADRIAN take down the main caution tape and walk down the aisle and out. The other police, including the GUARDS, shrug and follow. JESUS and the four DISCIPLES leave, stage left, through a different door than the tomb)

(CURTAIN)