A Message to the People

This is my first work of satire, or humor for that matter. As anyone who writes comedy will tell you, it's hard to know what will still be funny outside your own mind =[

I need quality feedback. Please do tell me if there are any parts that leave you groaning or scratching your head (abridged if need be). Thanks a whole lot, and I hope you enjoy:


                                        A Message to the People
                                  By the Rev. Jedediah P. Arsehall


I have no problem with loving all God's creatures, just not the animals.

Screw natural selection. Literally, screw it. The only "link" between animals is that they all poop, they all screech, and then they die -- usually in my closet. They just so happen to find new ways to get "endangered" every few years or so, forcing honest Americans like myself to pay billions keeping them swinging at the bestial Ritz Carlton. And, like a sucker, I've always been quiet about this conspiracy.

But the final straw came the other day, when I left an opened bag of Cheetos in my car. Sure enough, some little brown thing found a way to break in. Thank God I am a patient man because I had to wait four hours for the Department of Immigration to get there, and my Cheetos are now in Tijuana. As I prepared this chart, I realized it could very well have been an animal, instead of a Mexican, stealing my hard-earned processed junk food.

      CRIMES DONE BY ANIMALS
        Crickets: Cannibalism
        Lions: Rape/Incest
        Mosquitoes: Biological warfare
        Mole Rat: Indecent exposure
        Lizards: Conspiracy to establish a world socialist government
        Sponge: Atheism

That up there -- that is an abomination. Like Catholicism, it is a God damned sin. So after spending well over ten minutes deliberating, I have concluded that there is but one appropriate remedy: All animals must burn.

But hold the blowtorches. As Christians, we must first consider the consequences of our actions. Can we truly just go and set fire to the world's rain forests, leaving the animals to roast like the filthy meatsacks they are? Of course not. That would be unethical, and thoughtless of future generations. No, all the carcasses should first be converted into fossil fuels. Just imagine the look on King Abdullah's face when he finds out all our Hummers are now running on Giant Pandas. Priceless.

Yet, however brilliant, there is still one minor problem to the plan which you may have already noticed. That's right: Environmentalists.

You simply would not believe how delusional an Environmentalist becomes when you even hint at harvesting the entire planet's animals. At the very least he'll tell you some crap like how macaques are like people, who "have feelings" and "feel pain". Sometimes you can whittle them down to how bacteria are like people, and that is when I pull out the can of Lysol which I keep for just such an occasion and watch them cry over the microbial holocaust that ensues.

In fairness, we must remember that not all Environmentalists are dribbling morons. Believe it or not, I have a nice one staying in my home named Sam. Sam lives on my mantelpiece. Sam, in a sense that is purely figurative, embodies all that a good environmentalist should be.

But apart from Sam, the field is pretty bleak, which is why I recommend environmentalists, also, be burned.

                                    --------------------------------------------

At this point I am sure that some heathen reading this will have a few objections. He will be glad for I, as a man of reason, have absolutely no problem with carefully telling him why he is wrong.

"But Mr. Arsehall," he will say, "will not killing the honeybee, pollinator of the fields, destroy our entire agricultural industry?"

Response: Now don't take this personally, but are you retarded? Honestly, did your deranged mother drop you as a child after she birthed you in the local kennel? That wasn't a rhetorical question, Fido.

My apologies dear child, that was uncalled for and I'm sure she is a perfectly intelligent Rottweiler. Simply put, no more vegetables means vegetarians starve, as is their natural fate. Nobody has the right to tell a man what he can or cannot eat -- alive, squealing, and in a nursing home. Nobody.

"But Mr. Arsehall," he will say "what if your actions destroy some yet undiscovered plant lurking in the rain forest that is key to curing terminal disease?"

Response: Before I answer, a similar thought: What if there is a dancing midget playing hopscotch in my pants? I'll let you think about that one, demon spawn.

No really, dear child, having worked in the pharmaceutical industry for many years, I know that such a thing is highly implausible. As for the plant, if it did exist, you can bet Pfizer would have already hired a small army of savages armed with machine guns to root it out. And as far as I can tell, the population of Cuba is still unemployed.

"But Mr. Arsehall," he will say "with both animals and vegetables eliminated, how will the human race-- THUNK" And that is when he will find my shoe inside his mouth. Because he, with all due respect, is an idiot and I simply don't have time to answer all his cretinous self-imposed questions. Sam needs dusting.