The Future Perfect

The Future Perfect{/size:5}
A Parody in One Act
By Jess Eastwell

Personae Dramatis (in order of appearance) {/size:4}
Archaeologist 1 and 2- A pair of junior archaeologists searching the Northumbrian Desert for for evidence of humans believed to have once lived there
Archaeologist 3- The head of their department
PA 2571- The voiceover system that communicates arrangements within the department
PA 2056- The voice of Sophie's computer
Sophie- The girl from 2056 whose video diary is discovered
Mark- Sophie's father. Computer programmer
Annie- Sophie's mother. Agraphobe
Ms. Jackson- Sophie's teacher via videolink
Rosie- Sophie's classmate and best friend
Andy- Sophie's classmate and boyfriend
George- Sophie's classmate and friend
Lucy- Sophie's classmate
Freddie- Sophie's classmate
Gerald- Sophie's great-grandfather
James- Rosie's great-grandfather
Ball girl- Helping at the tennis tournament
Umpire- Umpiring the tennis match
Sister Hazel- Dictator-matron in charge of the Gregory Wing
Nurse 1- Student nurse working in the Gregory Wing
Nurse 2- Fully qualified nurse working in the Gregory Wing
Ethel- Gerald's wife. In hospital with Senile Dementia
Mary- Middle-aged woman in bed next to Ethel's. Suffering from Radically Modified Influenza
Alice- Young woman in other bed next to Ethel's. Suffering from Radiation Sickness

Settings
The Northumbrian Desert, UK 2571AD- Arid and inhospitable. Very high rates of radiation require high levels of protection. Authorised personnel only. Human life believed to have somehow existed on the surface in the past.
Northumbrian Tunnel System, Allen Valley District, Educational Section, Third Tier, Historical Investigations, 2571AD- Tunnel system that is the only way to support life in the face of global warming. Home of the archaeologists.
Allendale, Northumbria- Sophie's home, part of the heavily protected Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. Other parts of the county are used for nuclear tests.

NOTES ON PERFORMANCE
THE SCREEN- Could be a border a little way upstage, or some sort of transparent/ slightly translucent screen.
THE CLASS SCENES- Should be made clear to audience that the pupils and teachers are all in different rooms- use of barriers or different levels?
THE PAs- Should both be visible onstage throughout, and occasionally display human emotions
THE EXPLOSIONS- All except 1st should be followed by a partial blackout. There should be some sense of the nuclear fallout- sinister lighting?
Scene 1

The Northumbrian Desert, 2571 AD. Arch. 1 and 2 are in full protective gear, with UV goggles. They are working on a small dig
Arch. 1: Do you actually think we're going to find anything here? All we've got is one of those old videodisc things, and you know you can only watch them once nowadays before they disintegrate. It's the radiation, y'know.
Arch. 2: [places wristwatch to ear] Heads up! HQ say we've fried ourselves out
here for long enough in radiation land. Head back to the tunnel! [they pack up the dig and move stage right, where Arch. 3 is waiting for them]
Arch 1: [as they move stage right] It's such a waste. You know we're probably going to get ill now from the radiation, and we don't even have anything to show for it.
Arch. 3: What've you two got there? Something good, I should hope; decontaminating you's costing the department a fortune, never mind the compensation we'll have to pay you if (and that means when) you get ill.
Arch. 1: Just an old videodisc.
Arch. 2: And skin cancer.
Arch. 3: Well get inside and stop complaining.
Scene Two
[The tunnel system.Various archaeologists are pottering around]
PA 2571: There is a Bioengineering lecture which is about to start in the Bioengineering department, room 15, on the modification of the hair colour gene, and may I please inform everyone that a videodisc dated circa 2056 is about to be shown in the Antiquated Technology department, room 12.
[The archaeologists settled down around the front of the stage. The screen comes to life. Sophie's bedroom. She is asleep]
PA 2056: Friday 20th June 2056. Subject awoke at 0730 hours. [an alarm clock goes off]
Sophie: [groggily] G'way! [She switches the alarm off and gets up]
Mark: [Offstage] Sophie! Breakfast's ready! [A scream is heard from the kitchen]
Sophie: Alright, alright, I'm coming!
THE KITCHEN [Mark is making breakfast, Annie is hiding under the table. Enter Sophie]
Annie: Don't go out! Keep them away!
Sophie: Morning, Mum. [To Mark] How is she this morning?
Mark: Not good. She saw a news report this morning that said that milk could cause cancer. D'you want cereal or toast?
Sophie: Toast please, Dad. No sense upsetting her.
Annie: Don't drink it! Don't drink it!
Sophie:[Accusingly] You know she isn't supposed to be exposed to the media, Dad. It unsettles her.
Annie:[Grabbing Sophie's arm] Don't go out! Please, Sophie, don't leave! It's dangerous out there! Don't make me go out!
Mark: [Soothingly]Hush, Annie love. Look, Sophie's not going to have any milk; she's having toast.
Sophie: But Mum, I've got to go out today. I have to play tennis with Great-Grandpa Gerald, and afterwards I said I'd go and visit Ethel with him.
Annie: Please don't go, Sophie. I love you.
Sophie: Don't worry, Mum, I'm not going yet.
[Annie cries quietly beneath the table. Sophie and Mark sit down to their toast]
Mark: It’s a crying shame, the Government scaring us all like this. Just look at your mother- grown woman, can't even leave the house.
Annie:[Crying] I won't! I won't!
Sophie: I know. Everything seems to give you cancer nowadays.
PA 2056: The time is now 0825 hours.
Sophie: What? Already?
PA 2056: The time is now 0825 hours and twenty seconds.
Sophie: Oh God, I'm going to be late. [Exit]

SCENE 3
Sophie is in her bedroom. She switches on her laptop, and logs into her virtual school. George, Lucy, Rosie, Andy and Freddie do the same at other points around the stage. Ms. Jackson logs in in the middle.]
All: Videolink activated.
Ms. Jackson: Good morning, class. It is History this morning. Please load up your textbooks at page 73. Today we are going to look at the Islam-Christian divide that existed at the beginning of this century. Now, who can tell em anything about it? Lucy?
Lucy: Over-active US foreign policy?
Ms. J: Can you explain what Lucy means, George?
George: The USA went sticking its nose in everyone else's business, to get at the oil in the Middle East.
Ms. J: That, although not politically correct, is one viewpoint. One motive suggested for the US foreign policy was self-interest, but can any one suggest another?
Freddie: Keeping their position secure as the world's only remaining superpower?
Andy: Stopping the genocides and abuses of human rights in the nations they invaded?
Ms. J: Yes, but remember, they often made the problems worse. Some nations didn't want foreigners interfering.
Sophie: What about the culture clash?
Mrs. Jackson: Very good, Sophie. What do you think?
Sophie: The role of women in Islamic society was very different then. The West was forcing them into what they saw as masculine territory. Also, the sexualisation of women in Western culture was unpopular.
Freddie: [Jeering] You would know, wouldn’t you, Sophie.
Andy: Shut it, Freddie.
Freddie: That’s right, stick up for your girl!
Mrs. Jackson:[clears throat loudly] If I may continue? I was just about to announce a class trip in 2060 to visit Baghdad, to examine the remains of this culture.
George: But that’s in four years!
Mrs. Jackson: I know, but the new laws regarding school trips mean that you have to give at least three years’ notice, and the short term forms will take about a year to fill in and get processed.
Sophie: We’ll have left school by then, Mrs. Jackson!
Mrs. Jackson: I know, but it can’t be helped. It might be still be on the syllabus in four years, as well. By the time we’ve organised these trips-
PA 2056: The time is now 1115 hours.
Mrs. Jackson: As I was saying, by the time we’ve organised these trips, they’re generally not relevant anymore. OK, break time.
All: Video links deactivated.
[Exit all except Sophie and Andy, who take out mobile phones and stand on opposite sides of the stage and text, reading them out.]
Sophie: Hi, baby. Some history lesson, eh?
Andy: I know, I hate all that PC rubbish. The trip’s a bummer, isn’t it? We could walk to Baghdad on a path of all the paperwork we’d need.
Sophie: I hate not being able to go anywhere. D’you remember the hullabaloo we needed to get to Newcastle?
Andy: How could I forget? My printer packed in under the stress before I even got to page thirty of the consent forms- I couldn’t go.
Sophie: Usual meet-up tonight at six?
Andy: Sure, can’t wait.
PA 2056: The time is now 1130 hours.
Sophie: Spanish now. Dammit! Love you!
Andy: You too.
[Enter class and Mrs. Jackson.]
All: Video links activated.
Mrs. Jackson: Welcome back. Please load up your textbooks to page cuarenta. Today, we are going to learn a form of the future tense. Can you all recite the irregular verb ir?
All: Voy, vas, va, vamos, vais, van.
Mrs. Jackson: Bueno. Now, the future can be formed with ir, a and the infinitive. Voy a bailar. I am going to dance. Now, can anyone form a phrase using the construction? Andy, how about you?
Andy: Va a ir al cine.
Mrs. Jackson: Very good.
Freddie: You know, I wish I could go to Spain.
Lucy: Well, that’s about as likely as going to the Dog Star in this place.
Mrs. Jackson: There’s a Spanish exchange planned in 2065.
George: And we’ll have finished university by then.
[There is a soft boom, clearly from a long way away]
Rosie: What was that?
Mrs. Jackson: I think it was one of the nuclear tests on Holy Island.
Rosie:[aghast] We shouldn’t be able to hear it anywhere near this far south!
Andy: Or this far inland.
Sophie: I don’t think it was a test.
PA 2056: The Central Nuclear Testing Committee requests all Northumbrians to remain calm. The explosion at 1203 hours was a small accident, which has conveniently destroyed some contaminated ground. There are three minor casualties, and no fatalities. All points north of Otterburn are at risk of nuclear fall-out. Please remain calm.
Freddie: Is that us?
Rosie: No, Otterburn’s north of Hexham, and we’re south.
George: No we aren’t. Are we?
Mrs. Jackson: I think we need to do some Geography tomorrow. Rosie’s right, we don’t need to worry. We’re safely south of Hexham.
Freddie: It just means we’ll get cancer in a few years, as opposed to dying from radiation sickness now.
[Lucy starts crying]
Mrs. Jackson: What’s the matter with Lucy?
Freddie: She’s got relatives up Alnick way.
Mrs. Jackson: Don’t cry, Lucy. You heard the report- only three casualties. What are the chances of your relatives being one of them? [Lucy is not placated] Now, if we want to use ir-
PA 2056: The time is now 1250 hours.
Mrs. Jackson: Alright, alright, let me finish.
PA 2056: The time is now 1250 hours and twenty two seconds.
Mrs. Jackson: Alright, check your systems for homework. Class dismissed.
All: Video links deactivated.
[Exit class and Mrs. Jackson]

Scene 4
[Mark is in the kitchen, making Sophie’s lunch. She enters]
Sophie: Hey Dad! Where’s Mum?
Mark: Hiding under the bed.
Sophie: Oh God. Why?
Mark: The kitchen phone’s bugged.
Sophie: Really? Like that article on violation of privacy said?
Mark: No. But she saw the article and has been convinced. Ham and lettuce in your sandwich?
Sophie: Please. When did Great-Grandpa Gerald say he’d pick me up?
Mark: Ten minutes. You’d better go and get changed. [Exit Sophie, eating sandwich] Annie? Will you come down? I’ve checked the phone, and it’s not bugged.
Annie:[offstage] How would you know?
Mark: Because I program computers for a living, and probably helped to design whatever bugs the government is using at the moment.
Annie: I don’t want them listening to me! Mark, you have thrown out the milk, haven’t you?
[he looks guiltily at the bottle on the side, drains what’s left in it, and throws it in the bin]
Mark: Of course, dear. [Enter Sophie in tennis kit, carrying a racket] You all set, Sophie? Had your lunch?
Sophie: Yep. Thanks Dad. [her phone beeps.]
Andy:[offstage] Good luck, Sophie!
Sophie: How sweet. Is Great-Grandpa here yet?
PA 2056: The time is 1309 hours.
Sophie: That’s not what I asked. [a car is heard pulling up]
PA 2056: The time is now 1310 hours.
Sophie: Oh, shut up.
[enter Gerald. He is wearing fashionable tennis gear. Or to be accurate, what would have fashionable tennis gear circa 1940. His wooden racquet is in a state of disrepair]
Gerald: Hello, Sophie my love. All ready for our match? [Sophie puts her head in her hands]
Sophie: Great-Grandpa, please don’t tell me you are going dressed like that.
Mark: Sophie!
Gerald: Marcus! How are you? How’s my delightful granddaughter?
Mark: Hiding under the bed. You’d better go, before she comes down.
Gerald: Oh, I see. Come on, Sophie.
Sophie: Please tell Great-Grandpa that that sort of thing was cool a hundred years ago, but he can’t go out like that in this century.
Mark: Sophie, apologize to Gerald right now!
Sophie: [sulkily] I’m sorry. [aside]/i} But it’s true.
Gerald: Let’s go, Sophie. It’s tennis time.
PA 2056: The time is now 1315 hours.
Gerald: Be quiet, you stupid machine. Whoever designed you should be shot.
Mark: [tetchily] It’s one of mine. The Personal Announcements System 2056.
PA 2056: At your service. The time is now 1316 hours.
Mark: A prototype. Good luck, I’ll see you later!
[Sophie and Gerald get into his car. Exit Mark.]
Gerald: You looking forward to this, Sophie? [the car emits spluttering noises] Oh dear, I think we need more petrol substitute. Useless stuff, not nearly as efficient as the real thing. Why, I remember-
Sophie: [interrupting] There’s a service station.
Gerald: Four pounds fifty a litre! It’s criminal, what they charge you these days. [He gets out and fills the car, and goes to pay. Sophie’s phone goes off. Enter Rosie at the edge of the stage, also in tennis gear.]
Sophie: [answering her phone] Hello?
Rosie: Hi Soph, it’s me. What on earth is you old one wearing? Mine looks practically Victorian.
Sophie: Don’t worry, Rose. Mine is prehistoric as well. At least we’re playing each other. OK, I’ll see you there. Bye!
Rosie: Bye! [They hang up. Exit Rosie. Gerald gets back in the car. Sophie puts on earphones. They set off again.]
Gerald: How’s school, Sophie?
Sophie: Mmm.
Gerald: We’re going to see Ethel later, remember, Sophie?
Sophie: Mmm.
Gerald: Are you looking forward to the tournament, Sophie?
[He stops the car.]
Sophie: Mmm.
Gerald: Well, we’re here now.
Sophie: Mmm.
[Sophie removes earphones, and they get out of the car]
Scene 5
[The tennis court. The antiquated costume of the two Great-Grandfathers, James and Gerald, are getting some sniggers. Sophie and Rosie wait by the net. The umpire sits at the edge of the court. The ball girl crouches by the net.]
PA 2056: Welcome to the first round of the Great-Grandfathers and Great-Granddaughters tennis tournament, seed E. Sophie Bell and Gerald Armstrong vs. Rosie and James Irving! The time is now 1340 hours!
Umpire: First serve to Miss. Irving! [The game begins. After several shots, Gerald misses one.] Fifteen love! [They begin again]
PA 2056: The time is now 1400 hours!
Umpire: Juice!
PA 2056: The time is now 1410 hours.
Umpire: Game to Miss Irving and Mr. Irving!
PA 2056: The time is now 1420 hours.
Umpire: Game and set to Miss Irving and Mr. Irving!
PA 2056: The time is now 1430 hours.
Umpire: Forty thirty!
PA 2056: The time is now 1440 hours
Umpire: Game and set to Miss Bell and Mr. Armstrong!
Pa 2056: The time is now 1450 hours.
Umpire: Thirty love!
PA 2056: The time is now 1500 hours.
Umpire: Game, set and match to Miss Bell and Mr. Armstrong!
[the players move forward to the net to shake hands]
Sophie: Well done, Great-Grandpa! Well played, Rosie.
Rosie: Never mind, it was a good game. I hope you win, Soph- it doesn’t make me look so bad. Come on, Great-Grandpa James, let’s go home. Hang on! You need to take your medicine. [James takes the pills. They all exit except Sophie and Gerald.]
Gerald: Sophie, it’s-
PA 2056: The time is 1503 hours.
Gerald: You really should get rid of that thing. But anyway, it’s time-
PA 2056: The time is 1504 hours.
Gerald: [tetchily] to see your Great Granny Ethel. We need to get to the hospital before they stop letting visitors in for the day. [They get in the car and set off again]
Sophie: Great Grandpa, why do you bother to visit her? She doesn’t recognise you, doesn’t even know where she is.
Gerald: It makes me feel better. It’s important to me, if not her. Quick, out you get.
Scene 6
[The hospital. Sister Hazel is at the desk. Nurses 1 and 2 bustle round. Enter Gerald and Sophie.]
Gerald: Two visitors for Mrs. Ethel Armstrong, please, Sister Hazel.
Sis. Hazel: We stopped admitting visitors thirty seconds ago.
Gerald: Please, sister! We got stuck in traffic!
Sis. Hazel: It’s regulations, sir. No visitors after 3.30pm.
PA 2056: The time is 1529 hours precisely.
Sophie: I'm afraid your clock is wrong, sister. The PA 2056 is set via web link to GMT.
Sis. Hazel: Alright, go on. But this is never to be repeated.
Gerald: Of course not, sister. [to Sophie] That hunk of junk has its uses. But we must try to be on time in future. Let’s go through, before that harridan changes her mind.
[They move to the ward. Nurses 1 and 2 are still bustling around. Ethel, Mary and Alice are lying in beds- Alice stage left, Ethel centre, Mary right. Sophie and Gerald go to Ethel.]
Gerald: Hello Ethel. It’s me, your husband Gerald. How are you?
Ethel: Who are you? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Gerald: And we’ve got Annie’s little girl here, Ethel. D’you remember Sophie?
Ethel: Never heard of her!
Nurse 1: Wake up, Mrs. Johnson. It’s time for your sleeping pills.
Mary: Those stupid things keep me awake. [she swallows them, then turns to Sophie] Hello. I haven’t seen you before, have I?
Sophie: No. She’s my great grandmother. Doesn’t know me at all. She’s got senile dementia. They cured the cancer and bronchitis, but can’t do anything about her mind going. She’s 135; it really would be kinder just to let her die, but no.
Mary: I know. I’ve got that Radically Modified Influenza. No-one’s worked out a cure yet. Ruddy eco-terrorists. And that’s Alice, over there on the right. She’s new in today from Alnick- Radiation Sickness. You heard about the explosion there today?
Sophie: Yeah, everyone in my class could hear it, and we’re in Allendale. Must have been a big explosion to reach us from Holy Island, musn’t it?
Mary: Yes, it was huge. It destroyed an awful lot of grazing land for sheep, and several hamlets. About two hundred died instantaneously, and I reckon they’ll lose about a thousand through radiation sickness- I should know, I lived there.
Sophie: That’s not what the report said.
Mary: The Government are covering it up. That old place should have been dismantled years ago. What did they say? No dead, two casualties?
Sophie: Three. So where do you live now? You said you used to live there.
Mary: Here. I’m never going to leave, unless it’s in a coffin- RMI kills within a month, and I’ve already been here three weeks. I won’t be here on Thursday, that’s for sure. Sorry, I’m getting morbid. Why don’t you try talking to Alice?
Alice: Hello, love. Not pretty here, is it?
Sophie: No. I’m sorry. I hope you both get better soon.
Mary: No hope of that for me. I’m just like your great granny- this is the bed I’ll die in.
Alice: And as for me? If I get out at all, I’ll back in in a few years with serious cancer.
Sophie: What zone were you in?
Alice: [Sarcastically] No one’s told me, but it’s either the one where you die after about a year’s radiation sickness, or the one where you get cancer after eighteen months. I’m not much good for a laugh either, am I? But this is the ward where they put people who are past all help, or past any help they can afford. So laughs are in short supply. Ruddy NHS.
Gerald: It’s time to go, Sophie.
PA 2056: The time is 1558 hours.
Sophie: OK. Goodbye, great-granny.
Ethel: Great Granny? Don’t be ridiculous- I’m only thirty two!
Nurse 2: Miss. Tate, I need to take you for an x-ray now.
Alice: Like I’m not irradiated enough already.
[Sophie and Gerald leave the ward, get in the car, and drive.]
Sophie: You’re crying, aren’t you?
Gerald: It makes me really sad that I’ve known her for more than a hundred years and she doesn’t recognise me anymore. Well, you said you wanted to be dropped off here. [they pull up at a café. Rosie, Andy and George are inside.]
Sophie: Yes, thanks. Well played today, and I’m sorry about the hospital. Goodbye. [she goes in. Gerald drives off.]
Andy: Hey, Sophie! We got you a coffee already. Sit down! Rosie was just telling us about the tennis.
George: Yes, she said it was really close.
Sophie: It was. Has she told you what my great grandfather was wearing?
Rosie: Yes, it was awful! He looked like he was trying to get back to the good old days, just like mine!
Andy: She still won, though! By the way, what’s our Spanish? My system’s on the blink again.
George: Ten sentences using the new construction. Still haven’t heard anything about the explosion on Holy Island, have we? Perhaps no-one else caught the fallout. It’s not very densely populated, is it?
Sophie: No, there’s plenty of victims alright. I saw one of the radiation sickness victims from up there in the hospital just half an hour ago.
George: Poor Lucy. I hope whoever she was worried about is alright.
Rosie: Oh yeah, how was the hospital, by the way?
Sophie: She still hasn’t got a clue who I am. Or who her husband is.
George: I’m sorry. You’d think, with all the cures they’ve come up with, they’d be able to sort senile dementia.
Rosie: But once the brain cells have died, they can’t be replaced. Anyway, what’s the-
PA 2056: The time is 1637 hours.
Rosie: I’d better get home, then. I have lots of work to do, and I’m babysitting for next door tonight as well.
George: [Quickly] I think I need to go as well, I said I’d have tea with my Aunt who’s visiting. [Exit Rosie and George in opposite directions]
Andy: Soph, I’ll walk you home?
Sophie: Sure. Let’s go. [she finishes her coffee and they leave, holding hands.]
Andy: So, how’s your day been?
Sophie: The hospital was horrible. It’s so sad that some people can’t be helped. What about you?
Andy: Mum’s getting married again.
Sophie: Really? Is he nice?
Andy: Alright. I doubt he’ll stick around. Remember, this is the fifth. I wish marriage was more permanent.
Sophie: But we’ll stick around, won’t we? We’ll be different.
Andy: We’ll last as long as we can.
Sophie: True. At any rate, that’ll be longer than your mum’s exs. OK, here we are. Goodbye.
Andy: Goodbye. [They hug, and Sophie makes to go inside. Andy drags her back impulsively. They stand close with hands entwined.] I love you, Sophie. Really.
Sophie: So do I.
[They kiss. Exit Andy.]

Scene 7
[The kitchen. Sophie and Mark are eating supper. Annie is frantically cleaning the worktops.]
Mark: Annie, please stop! I promise the kitchen is extremely clean. No one is going to get ill. You can stop cleaning now.
Annie: You can’t see the diseases until it’s too late. I love you and Sophie; I won’t let you get ill!
Sophie: Television again?
Mark: Radio. Annie, stop! You’re upsetting Sophie.
Annie: She’ll thank me when she doesn’t get ill! 99% of the bacteria that cause food poisoning originate in the kitchen!
Mark: And any bacteria left after you’ve done all this cleaning probably aren’t worth worrying about. Sophie, go to bed as soon as you’ve finished. Oh, could you lock up first?
Annie: That’s right, Mark. 80% of burglars are put off by a secure house.
Sophie:[aside] And the remaining 20% are the ones who we need to worry about.
Mark: Come on Annie; let’s get you safe in bed.
[Exit Mark and Annie. Sophie locks up, reciting security measures as she does so]
Sophie: Outside cameras on, inside cameras on, key lock front door, combination lock front door, key lock back door, combination lock back door. Combination locks on all windows………. Done! I’d better go to bed now. [exit]
PA 2056: The time is 2215 hours. It is also the subject’s bedtime. It is the 20th June 2056. I have one pre-programmed message for 2215 hours: Brush your teeth and- [enter Sophie in pyjamas]
Sophie: Oh, shut up. [she gets into bed and falls asleep]
PA 2056: The subject retired to bed at 2216 hours, 20th – [There is an extremely loud bang. Partial blackout. Sophie does not move] All Northumbrians are requested to remain calm. There has been another nuclear accident. The entire county is at risk of immediate nuclear fall out. Please remain calm. All- [The screen crackles, then fades. PA 2056 slides to the floor and stops moving. The archaeologists are astounded.]
Arch. 1: That’s why the ground is still contaminated…
Arch. 2: Shoddy nuclear proceeding…
Arch. 3: Idiots… [there is another large bang. Partial blackout.]
PA 2571: All personnel are requested to remain calm. There has been an uncontrolled explosion in the Nuclear Physics department. [PA 2571 slowly slides to the floor and lies still. Complete blackout.]

THE END