The Editor's Note #2

Salutations, assorted persons currently reading this published work! Every good writer thanks his or her readers profusely. Without you, we would be forced to get actual jobs. THANK YOU.
For all five of you that actually read this column, you’ll remember that I addressed television commercials in the fifties. I know these things because these commercials sometimes air yet again on Nick-at-Nite, in-between episodes of Gilligan’s Island. Back then, it seemed, there weren’t really many things to buy, except soap and flour, of which there was only one or two brands advertised. Kids loved TV back then, simply because they could get through Howdy Doody Time without being assaulted by bizarre characters recommending that they buy ‘Hyper-Sugar-Choco-Lumps cereal.’ So much for those days.
Since the fifties, television commercials have bred faster than the characters on the OC, resulting in huge, mutant commercials that will one day charge out of the televisions and strangle us while screaming “SORRY, NO C.O.D.!” Well, maybe not that bad, but as a responsible, sober, halfway sane citizen of these United States, I feel that it is my duty to warn all of you about the menace of TV commercials, starting with:

1) Global Warming Commercials – this is a new member of the commercial family that I have seen only about twice. It features a smug man standing on a train track, sneering at how his generation will not have to worry about global warming because he will be dead before it affects him, which isn’t really a reason to be all smug. He then steps aside to reveal a little girl whose generation will presumably not be dead when global warming does what it’s supposed to be doing, but she will be, since she is going to be run over by a train. Using my highly-advanced human brain, I made a realization that our world is in jeopardy, because somewhere, environmentalist fanatics do not have enough money. I really wonder what these environmentalist-doomsayers will think of next. I’m guessing they will stride right into your living room and steal everything you own while Vinnie “The Recycler” Vitelli gives you an in-depth, small scale demonstration of global warming as delivered by an acetylene torch. The Green Mafia. What is this world coming to?

2) McDonalds Commercials – wherever there is a major lawsuit, McDonalds delivers. Only weeks after the release of Supersize Me, a documentary made by a guy with way too much time on his hands, McDonalds let loose an ‘get-up-and-exercise’ propaganda campaign that featured Ronald McDonald bouncing around like a total idiot, trying to make the impression that McDonalds was concerned about health. This seemed to be working, but not at a very quick pace. This is why McDonalds began the “All-White-Meat” program, a commercial subset that is so interesting that it deserves its own category.
a. “All-White-Meat” at McDonalds – This is all well and good. People enjoy eating clean, white, pristine foods. However, I find something suspicious in the manner that McDonalds constantly reminds us that their McNuggets are made entirely of ‘white meat’. What were they made from before? Green slime? Also, in the commercials, they never mention chicken. It’s always white meat. What kind of meat, Ronald? Wait. I don’t think I want to know.

3) Car Insurance commercials – These commercials are also new to the modern front. Back in the fifties, car insurance wasn’t really needed for one simple reason: cars in the fifties were not cars. Around the late-thirties and early-forties, the United States found itself drawn into World War II, and the troops needed all sorts of combat supplies, like guns, bullets, planes, cigarettes, pin-ups, and tanks. Every citizen and business helped out in some way, and the automobile sector of the economy converted their factories to build tanks, most of them being the M4 Sherman. In the post war years, the automobile manufactures decided that it was too expensive to convert back and decided to change the design a bit and call them ‘Cadillacs’. Compare these statistics:

Medium Tank M4A1 (Sherman II)
Crew 5 (Commander, gunner, loader, driver, co-driver)
Length 19 ft 2 in
Width 8 ft 7 in
Height 9 ft
Weight 66,800 lb
Main Armament 75 MM Cannon
Armor 13-85 mm plate

1960 Plymouth Fury
Crew 6 (Driver, child who has to go to the potty, child making water noises to annoy child who has to go to the potty, child asking if we are there yet, mommy feeding the baby (counts as the loader), baby currently throwing up on mommy (counts as the gunner))
Length Approx. 10 ft
Width Approx. 7 ft
Height Approx. 5 ft
Weight 3,528 lbs (30,400 lbs, fully loaded with baby necessities)
Main Armament Razor fins, 105mm howitzer shells attached to front bumper, humongous whitewall tires
Armor Solid steel frame, 5 mm steel plate, 8 mm chrome grille, 3 mm cheesy metallic paint


As you can see, the Fury has quite a few similarities to the Sherman, and even has a larger shell size (75mm to 105mm). This is why older people take so much pride in their humongous cars. They drive very slowly in safety because you’d need an anti-tank gun to break through the grille. In fact, I’ve rambled on so much that I’ll continue this next week! Until later, my readers…