Editor's Note #1

My first column, published on my school website. Topic: Old-time television commercials

Hello various column readers! In the absence of anyone actually bothering to send me anything or email me, I’ll have to talk at you some more. As you can expect, I have a bit of hardship trying to think of things that are actually entertaining to read about, since I am generally either playing video games or watching television commercials with cartoons in between. Hey! Maybe that will work! I’ll talk about commercials…hmm…what to start with…
Being an avid TV-watcher, as I expect most of you are, I’ve seen all matter of these commercials, and since I sometimes watch Nick-at-Nite (proof that sitcoms reduce people’s IQ to the point that they can’t read or spell the word ‘Night’), I’ve also seen a few of those ancient, pre-human commercials for anti-dandruff shampoo or popcorn or, lord help us all, Ovaltine. What, exactly, is Ovaltine? Apparently I can still purchase it in stores, but I’d never find it. I’d be looking in Automotive, next to the Pennzoil.
Anyway, back to commercials. There were basically two types of commercials shown back then:
1) The Anti-Communist commercial – These were rather blatant attacks on communist ideals. Communism is a form of government in which the leader, called a ‘Comrade’ or ‘Castro’, goes around people’s homes, taking everything the families own. The families are happy to help the community. “We love our community and our government!” they cry out, usually adding, patriotically, “Don’t shoot!”
2) The Depressed Housewife commercial – This form of commercial usually is for some kind of new household or hygiene product, like shampoo or laundry detergent. The commercial usually begins with a housewife with a problem, which apparently is on par with Global Warming or the war in Iraq. It is difficult to explain this type of commercial, so I will write one:

SuprSuds Detergent Commercial

Scene: A Kitchen in a Common Suburban Home. There is a woman staring soulfully at a white dress shirt with a stain on it.

Woman: Oh no! My husband’s best dress shirt has a stain, which means that his boss will reject him for a promotion and we’ll all be forced to live in the train yard and eat diseased rats!

Enter Best Friend #1, who is in a shirt that is stain-free

Best Friend #1: Hello Nancy, how are you today?

Nancy: *Sob*

Best Friend #1: Ah, I see your shirt is stained. Why not try this new detergent, SuprSuds?

Woman: I heard about SuprSuds! It’s made one hundred percent out of ingredients!

Best Friend #1: That’s how you know it works!

Cut to scene of Nancy living in extravagance. A butler hands her a glass of wine and continues to fan her with palm leaves.

Nancy: Oh, Jeeves, would you be so kind as to hand me another thousand dollar bill?

Jeeves: Yes ma’am

Enter Best Friend #1

Nancy: Oh! Hello Best Friend Number One! Please, have some broiled snow owl! (Nancy blows nose on thousand dollar bill)

Best Friend #1: Thank you! Isn’t it great, living the good life?

Nancy: It sure is! Thank you SuprSuds!

Cut to picture of SuprSuds box

Poorly Recorded Young Woman’s Choir: ♪SuprSuds! It makes your life worth livin’! ♪

Authoritative Male Voice: Now with real ingredients!


Needless to say, these sorts of commercials worked well for the fifties, but today’s citizens are too “clever” for that sort of marketing. We laugh with scorn at SuprSuds’ “marketing” strategy. The marketing “consultants” needed to “up the ante”, to add “wit”, “humor”, and “interest” into their commercials if they were to still have “jobs”. They needed…a “gecko”?

NEXT WEEK
MODERN COMMERCIALS: I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU SAVED!