Trip

I’m confused and scared. Im sitting in a shanty run down apartment and am up to my arms with washing. Dirt plates’s and take away boxes litter the only other room in the apartment. Its cold, im freezing, im tired.
Somehow, I have managed to get the stains out of the floor boards and have taken down the dusty curtains and replaced them with the cleaner ones I bought at half price on sale. I would have been done with the dishes and would probably be halfway through the laundry if it hadn’t found my stupid notebook; I had tripped over it and now couldn’t find the strength to get up again. I also haven’t let go of the book either. All it’s blank pages were staring up at me, begging me to cloth them with words.

I stare, tempted and till at last pick up a pen and begin to write.

I am writing to take away the pain, to release all the uncertainty and confusion and lock it up forever between the blank, white pages of the book. My book. I was going to write, just as I had always hoped for and I was going to dedicate it all, like I’d always planned, to my mother…who believed. And even though she doesn’t believe now…even though she probably hates me now…I still believed in her. And I believe that one day, years from now she will get this book and she will read all my secrets, and sorrows and regrets and she will realize what I did and why and it will be like we were having a conversation on the tea table in our messy apartment.
Thinking of that makes me smile. And it is with a smile that I write this book, lying on the floor breathing in mounts of dust and giggling mischievously because I know how angry that will make you.


To mother. Thank you for believing…even now.











“Did you call the school?”
“yes mum.” I yelled from the top of the stairs.
“and your Dad…did you tell him you were leaving?”
I paused and shifted my feet guiltily “yes mum.”
“Jess Harper are you sure?” she appeared in the hallway with her eyes narrowed in a way that seemed like she was trying to look into my soul.
I swallowed “of course im sure….where’s my jumper?”
“in the kitchen by the door,” she replied almost automatically, allowing her penetrating stare to cease slightly “jess, if you didn’t inform your father about your leaving then I suggest you march upstairs and-
she began, a warning tone lining her vioce, but stopped abrubtly when the doorbell rang and sent her skirting across the room, shouting over her shoulder, “must be Anna, always punctual that one, A pleasure to be with, unlike my daughter.”
I made a face.
“Send her up here, will you… Thanks.” i shouted eventually, running up the stares three steps at a time then dashing into my room without waiting for an answer and continued shoving clothes into a small bag. My suitcase was opened with clothes spilling out, my bed was un-made and littered with more clothes, my toothbrush was on the table, there cards on the floor, cds on the bookshelf…. obviously I wasn’t ready for our flight.
I shut my knapsack just as I heard Anne’s voice on the stairs. “Yes Mrs Harper, I’ll tell her.”
“Hey!” She called walking down the corridor, “ Your mum says that if you don’t call your dad and tell him you’re leaving- you wont go anywhere.” She stopped at the doorway, glanced into my room, raised an eyebrow, then leaned out of the room again and shouted,
“no need Mrs Harper, at this rate we will miss the flight anyway.”
I sneered and tossed her a crumpled shirt and matching skirt.
“ Make yourself useful will you…I’ll go deal with “my dad”, hopeful he’ll be in china and I wont be able to reach him. But with my luck he’s probably just round the corner.” I muttered and ran into the room opposite.
My dad. The very successful, extremely powerful owner of a million dollar company I know nothing about. You should be proud of him, my mother never fails to inform me whenever I grunt at the mere mention of his name, and thankful who do you think pays your ridiculously high school fee’s every year?
Proud of what? A man who leaves his wife and four-year-old daughter to marry his job and trot the glob. Yes, I was thankful, thankful that this meant I rarely had to see or speak to him…. Unfortunately, I had to today, of all days. I had to sit and hear him play the concerned parent, but he wasn’t a parent and therefore he wasn’t concerned. He had no right to be.
Slowly, I dialled his office number with fierce reluctant.
Surprisingly, he picked up.
“ Hallow dad? No. I’m fine. Yes so is mum. Where? Downstairs. I actually called to tell you about a trip I’m taking….today. NO. I don’t need money. Mum paid. What? Yes dad…..No Dad….yes Dad…..no..no..i can’t hear….yes. but….. Okay… no…I think….but….with the school…. And? Anne…. yes… Rownnled’s daughter… fine. Downstairs….I’ll connect you. Bye then, I will…thanks. No I’ve finished school, Dad… Just talk to mum. Bye.” I rolled my eyes and shoved the phone back down then waited to see if my mother picked up on the other end before returning into to my room.
“Honestly!” I signed frustrated “he didn’t even know I was out of school!”
Anne was crouched on the floor. “Did he remember you’re name?”
I shrugged “the secretary must have had to remind him.”
Anne smiled “well, thank god for small favours.”
I smiled back “small being the operative word here.”
We burst out laughing.
“oh, I finished packing your suitcase.” She announced, pointing across the room where it stood very neatly in the corner.
I gave her an appreciative look, noticing with great astonishment, how cleaner the whole room looked as well “
"thank you. Now all I have to do is pack my knapsack and my vanity case.”
“Yes…. and then it's Paris, Paris, Paris!”

Twenty minutes later we were out in the blistering cold waiting for the bus to arrive. Anne was sitting on one of the steps leading up to our apartment door, staring up at my mother as she recited her list of rules to us.
“No talking to boys, no walking with boys, no breathing near boys. No- Jess! What did I just say?”
I turn to look up at her from where I am, leaning against my three bags of luggage. “No breathing near boys.” I replied out of memory and sheer luck than out of the fact that I was actually listening because i wasn’t. Instead I was staring down the road wondering where in heavens the bus was and if I was actually going to pull ‘it’ off.
She smiles and I wonder for a brief moment of that is the smile I’ll ever get from her. “ Good. No getting into rooms with boys and absolutely no-
There is a low rumble from behind her and I turn to see the school bus veering round the corner towards us. My mother signs and holds out her arms. Anne rushes forward, throws her arms around her. Gets kissed several times and whispered something that makes her smile before, whipping a tear from her eye, she runs to the bus and begins to load her suitcase in the back.
I walk over to Eleanor Harper, my mother and give her a quick hug, embarrassed suddenly because I know everyone is watching us. He’s watching us.
She pulls me back and lengthens the hug, I close my eyes, breathing in her rosemary scent and hoping to never forget its sweet smell.
Unfortunately, she pulls away, brushing tears from her eyes. There is a look in her eyes, something I can make out, and I wonder if its disappointment. But for what? Does she know? Does she suspect anything? I look down, scared my face will reveal what my hearts screaming out. Luckily, Anne returns to help me with my bags. I smile at my mother and follow Anne with my other bag.
“gosh!” she signs shoving my dark blue bag to the side, making room for my other one. “How many bags do you need, woman! Someone would think you were never coming back.”
I look down once more and don’t bother to rely.
She slams shut the boot. “ look I’m going to get us seats.” She says excitedly and dashes round the front of the bus and up its stairs.
I run to get my other bag. My mum holds it out to me, the look in her eyes has disappeared.
“You’ll take care, wont you?”
I nodded.
She smiles, kisses my cheek and touches my chin. “bye jess and When I see you next you better not be pregnant!”
“Mother!”
“don’t mother me! If you come back pregnant I swear upon god you wont step foot into this house, you hear?”
I nod and giggle. “Bye.” I say and rush off to join Anne.
My mother opens her mouth but doesn’t say anything else………
In the bus, Anne has left me a seat at the end as I walk down I catch a glimpse of my apartment through one of the windows and of my mother watching the bus anxiously. We make eye contact and I mouth the words “I love you.”
She mouths them back and smiles.
It is at that moment that my resolve collapses and I am about to pelt across the bus to the door.
However, something soft coils itself around my wrist. I look down and into Ben’s dark blue eyes, there is so much emotion in them, so much love, compassion…yearning, that I can’t help but flinch. That is when I remember the reason I’m there and smile. He smiles too and I sit in the chair behind him.





June 2005. At home.

“You make me wanna fall, you make me wanna…”
I turn off the radio because my mother is screaming at someone from downstairs. I check my watch, 5:15, dad wasn’t due home till 6.
Curious, I tie by hair in messy ponytail and creak open my door. The shouting seems to cease for a minute. I pause-
“Oh dint give me that bull!” my mother continues sarcastically “I know where you were..”
I exhale sharply and crawl down the corridor to the upstairs landing. As I get closer there voices become louder and their words clearer. I lean slightly over the rail just in time to see my father push past my mother and out of the door.
“I’ve had enough of this Ella! If you want to make up lies about me, “ he is saying behind his back “do so. But for god sake stop with the interrogating your not in a bloody court room!”
The door bangs shut behind him and I remain on the rail only long enough to her my mother’s rasp intake before I skirt across the room, into the bedroom and on the phone to Anne….

The bus came to a stop a second time since picking Annie and I, I crane my head and catch sight of Trent mansion. There is a five-minute pause before josh jumps into the bus. His usual liveliness spreading like a dieses throughout the bus as he high-fives, shakes hands, bobs heads with everyone he passes. At last, he reaches Annie and I.
He smiles down at his girlfriend and Annie, who has been edging in her seat, smiles back up at him.
“Hi.” He says not even noticing me.
Annie giggles in away that I have recently become accustomed to as her flirty laugh. She batters her eyes too.
I almost gag and then hope to god this isn’t how I act when I am around Ben.
Just then, Ben himself turns around. “ Jess.” He tilts his head to the seat next to him. I frown then realize that he means for me to sit next to him. I look at Annie for confirmation but she is still too absorbed in Joshes big bright green eyes to even notice me. I shake my head, gather my stuff and edge past Josh.
He turns to look at me finally, smiles briefly and drops into the seat I have just vacated.
I ease my way in next to Ben and for a moment we sit in uncomfortable silence. The bus leaps into action, destined, at last, for the airport.
He touches my cheek “tu es très belle.”
I laugh “et tu.”
“Really,” he replies, with a glitter in his eyes “you think I’m beautiful?”
We both burst out laughing.




June 05. at the park.


Thirty minutes later, I’m sitting underneath a tree in the city park, waiting for Annie. I check my watch and shiver involuntarily. It is a Friday afternoon so naturally the park is still filled with people. Teenagers mostly, who sit in the corner laughing obscenely and smoking or drinking. A few are from our school; three girls I don’t know by name have removed their tops and are spilling red liquor down onto their black strapless bras. I shake my head as a group of boys from the boy’s school opposite ours shout at them to take it off. “Take it all off.” They scream, their voices slurped and stammering. I wonder what the people behind me, if any, are saying. I look away, embarrassed.
To the side, I catch glimpse of a beggar, shirtless and dirt. He is watching the drunken party with a hollow look in his eyes. I wonder what he is thinking, if he’s envious, angry, embarrassed…..
It was hard to tell, his face is passive and shadowed in the dark. I frowned, suddenly thinking something about him I am somehow unable to express. He looked….
“Hi” a masculine voice muttered from behind me.
Peeling my eyes off the beggar rather reluctantly, I turned to face the voices owner. My heart caught.
He smiled, his blue eyes sparkling “im Ben.” He extended a hand. “I go to the school opposite yours.”
I nodded, dazed, and took his had, barley able to keep it from trembling. “Ya, I know,” she said, her voice surprisingly loud, and then, realising how strange that must have sounded added “I’ve seen you around. You go to the boys school opposite my school……like you just said” she ended lamely
He looked across the park at his classmates and said, his voice thick with sarcasm “a honourable bunch we are aren’t we?”
When I didn’t reply he smiled and added “no really, we aren’t that bad,” just then one of the boys in the party of drunkards swore really loudly “well most of us anyway. I’m not.” There was a hopeful look in his eyes. I smiled but didn’t reply.
“You don’t believe me?” he challenged
I shrugged “So you aren’t here to join them?” I asked not knowing whether I was joking or not.
He shrugged but his smile didn’t fade “you know, and this is going to sound preposterous, but, you could walk with us.” There is a playful glitter in his eyes as he took the seat beside me that I’d left for Annie. Of course, now, I wasn’t thinking of Annie. I had long since forgotten pretty much everything after he cast his deep blue eyes in my direction thirty minutes ago. Needless to say, his present closeness startled me but all I kept wondering was how on earth I wasn’t bursting with all the joy…. Fear… nervousness, swelling up inside me and how on earth I was managing to remain so calm!
I turned to look at his classmates; his gaze followed mine.
He looked at them, then back at me and was silent for a moment-
“So, what are you doing here?”
I didn’t look at him, I was incapable of doing even that much. “Not sure. You?” I managed to mumble
He shrugged “not sure either.” He looked at me then and turned my face in his direction with the gentle tip of his thumb. My face tingled slightly but just as I was begging to enjoy it…beginning to hope, He dropped his finger. He looked away momentarily, then back at me, he stared ito my eyes; for a while and my heart was thundering so loudly I thought he could hear it too. Then he smiled but his eyes weren’t in it. “Actually. My parents got into a huge argument about lord knows what.” His smile slid. “They were screaming so loudly they didn’t hear me leave.”


Note to self: discover annie is ther with thema and is extremely drubk. She likes someone there. She cant walk properly so ben and jess must take her home. She tells ben that annie had a crush on him. Ben finds out where they live, near him, and forces them to go walking together.


I look at my watch a second time. We are still in the waiting room. The intercom crackles and someone announces, in a semi- robotic voice, that the plane destined for Munich, Germany was to depart in twenty minutes and would the passengers please board the plane. The passengers gather their possessions and make their way down the hallway to where the man in a navy suit is waiting to take their boarding passes. I watch them enviously and wonder, anxiously, if our turn was ever going to come. I have a strange feeling that the police, tipped off by whoever, are going to burst in through the large white doors and arrest Ben and I. Its stupid because no one knows what we are planning to do but still….
Ben returns with a sprite for me and a bear cup filled with a black liquid for himself.
I take a sip of my sprite, as he takes his seat beside me, then turn and cast a pensive look at his cup.
“I thought you’d stopped.” I manage finally.
He frowns “oh…this…no its actually just coke. They didn’t have any other cup to put it in.” he looks down for a minute then back up at me “ you really think I would just do that? Even now?”
He looks hurt.
I sign “No… No… Of course not. I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, honest.” I brush a hand across his “am I forgiven?”
He puts down his coke, gathers my face into his hands and kisses me. It feels good. Even though we had been together the day before doing much of the same, it feels like forever since I felt his lips against mine. Since I felt the tingle of his breath against my skin.
We pull apart. He brushes a strand of hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear. His eyes are dreamy, his neck is red from the friction of our lips. I like the way I can always do that. I smile.
“What?”
I shrug “nothing. So, I’m guessing I’m forgiven?”
He pretends to think for a while-
“Ben!”
His face broke into a sheepish grin “ Okay…. Okay,” his eyes twinkled “but you owe me.”
I put my hands on my hips and arched an eyebrow “Owe you?”
He nodded and leaned in, towards me, brushing his lips against mine. “Yup…”
My heart thudded in my chest. I smiled slightly, dying for him to just kiss me. “ And what is it I have to do.” I breathed.
He kissed me quickly then pulled away “that. Thirty times.”
I frowned “kiss you?”
He nodded “thirty times.” He stood up.
“Where are you going then?” I called to his already retreating back.
“To the bathroom.,” he shouted over his shoulder then stopped turned and looked at me “ Trust me, I’ll be back.”
I wait for a few minutes then look back in the direction of which he has just left.
Satisfied that he is not still there I reach out for his drink. My hand stops in mid air. Partly because I feel that what I’m doing is wrong but mostly because there is a loud noise from above. I look up, the intercom crackles a second time before-
“ Flight 506 is about to leave,” the robotic voice began, my heart thudded, “Would the passengers destined for Paris, France please begin boarding now.” it finished finally.
The crackling began a second time, beginning to announce the same thing all over again. I wasn’t listening. I was up and in the middle of gathering together Ben’s belongings and mine. My hand brushed, accidentally, against the beer bottle. I pause, my hand hovering over it.
As I stared indecisively at it, I catch a glimpse of my right hand. The small fake-diamond ring on my middle finger is sparkling lavishly in the light. I think of what it means to me, what it means for my futer and Ben’s….our futer. I retract my hand and turn. Ben was walking up to me. He smiled and there was a gilt in his eyes that hadn’t been there when he’d left for the bathroom.
“Our plans boarding.” I explained quickly. “A long lines already forming, we should join it.”
Ben nodded, his eyes not leaving mine. He watched as i bent to pick up a small blue bag. Stands of dark curly hair fell lose from the bun in my hair. He reached out and tucked it behind my ear.
“Thanks.” I nodded; bending for the next bag but his hand still grazed my cheek.
I frown up at him “yes?”
Ben smiles “nothing. “ he murmured then, after swooping down and picking up the last of our belongings, cupped my face in his hands, forcing me upright.
“Ben…” I gasp, the words barely audible.
Ben held up a hand to silence me, before carefully covering my lips with his. “I love you.” He whispered.
Feeling my heart catch as it had done the first time he uttered those three little words, a week ago, I replied by wrapping my arms around him and deepening the kiss; Time, it seemed, stopped.








June 05

Seconds passed in utter silence between them. Except for the sound of drunken laughter echoing from the group behind them and the occasionally rustle of the leaves surrounding them.
Jess gulped uncertainly before she forced her already raised hand down and over his in a comforting manner. She waited for his response. A jerk of annoyance or a slight shift and I remove my hand, she vowed waiting. But nothing. He was staring far ahead. Finally he turned to stare at her, as if seeing her for the first time. His eyes then travelled down to where her hand rested on his. He studied her elegant, long fingers and half bitten nails. Her touch was soft, delicate. Ben would have glued it there had he had the chance…. But he didn’t.
He was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions.
Too many, strong, conflicting emotions and he felt the need to run now, run far, far away. Away from those tempting amour eyes that were now focus dreamily on him.
He jumped to his feet as if burned, a flow of excuses dripping out of his mouth like water. Everything around him, the drunken ramble, the trees, the swings…everything, moulded into one big blob of nothingness and at the centre of that blob was her. Her soft voice, her elegant hands, her beautiful, delicate features lit up by the twinkling night light behind him.
He wanted to run, and turning to do just that when a loud giggle, followed by an even louder scream and raucous laughter, and then a resounding thud brought a tiny something hurtling to his feet.
Instinctively he dropped down to help her, noticing that jess had done the same thing.
They locked eyes momenirly. Her eyes studiing his for a moment before she looked down at the coiled figure, frowned and then quickly, reluctantly brushed aside the trinkets of golden curls concealing “its” face.
She gasped in shock, a trembling hand covering her mouth instinctively and then uttered, her voice distant, a name.
“Annie?”




Annie gushed and dropped into the seat beside her, her head dropping slightly so that it lent comfortably on her best friends shoulder.
She looked…. Happy. Jess noticed, lifting her eyes from the pages of her book, very happy…content.
As if to confirm that Annie cast her a satisfied smile.
“Hi you.” She said signing again. “isn’t life wonderful!”
Jess raised a dark, perfectly cut eyebrow at her and mumbled, her gaze wondering back to fine “not for the ten thousand or so people living under the poverty line…. Or the many people suffering from various deadly diseases or the people recovering from the tsunami.”
Without waiting for her friend to reply she added, a fake smile curving onto her ruby lips. “Everyone else, I’m sure, feels the same way….”
“except you?” Annie completed for her, lifting her head.
Annie glanced up at her from the top of her book. “wow! You can still complete my sentences for me! I thought only my best friend could do that,” she crossed her legs and wiggled slightly in her seat “Well, you’ve just proven to me that I obviously have a very expressive face or eyes and that privilege is therefore free for anybody!” she bit out at her, her voice icy, and then went back to staring at her page, absorbing nothing.
Annie folded her arms across her chest “what are you on about?”
Jess didn’t respond.
“Fine!” Annie responded and ripped her book out of her hand, tossing it across the plain, still filling with passengers, to her seat.
It hit Ben, who was sitting there momentarily.
He turned and looked at them and, glancing between their glaring expressions, he waved and kept it, saying nothing.
“You just hit my boyfriend!” Jess shouted at her.
Annie shrugged “he has a huge head, he will get over it!”
“he does not!” she said indignantly.
Annie cast her a disagreeing look.
“oh!” Jess responded, tilting her head up to the ceiling. “well at least his head is filled with something. You’re boyfriend ,on the other hand, is brainless!”
“what!”
“You heard me!”
“whore!”
“slut!”
With either of them having run out of responses and catching the reproachful look of the other passengers passing by them to get to their seats, they just sat and glared at each other.
Annie heaved a sign and hit her.
Jess hit her back.
They glared at each other again.
Annie looked away first.
“I would like to apologies now.” she whispered, glancing sideways at her.
“So do so.” Jess whispered back.
“I don’t know what to be sorry for though.”
Jess sat up and looked at her incredibly “For practically ignoring me!”
“oh,” Annie mumbled looking down “that.”
“What do you mean that? What happened to my apologies?”
Annie shrugged “well, I don’t really want to apologies of that.”
She met Jess’s gaping look and quickly explained. “It’s just that me and you, we have forever. You know because its you” She glanced at her boyfriend then back at her, “me and him, however, it lasts until...who knows! Certainly not forever. He’s a boy. A fling that will soon end and I want to enjoy it until it does but you… you are my best friend. We never end.”
Jess felt tears stinging. If only you know how wrong you are. She thought and embraced her friend; worried she’d read the look in her eyes. Worried she’d uncover their plan.
Annie laughed, obviously biting back tears too. “now….what else do I have to be sorry for?”
Jess pulled away. “for leaving me tonight.” She said softly. “For leaving me with Ben.”
Annie raised an eyebrow. “but why….” She asked, confused “why don’t you want to be with him?”
Before Jess could reply, a deep voice interrupt them.
“That’s what I want to know.” Ben said locking eyes with her; Dark blue eyes engulfed bright brown ones. “the planes about to take off, Josh’s waiting for you ann.” he said not taking his eyes off her.
Annie jumped to her feet and, touching her friend comfortingly on her shoulder though not knowing what was going on, she left.
Ben ripped his eyes off her after a moment that seemed an eternity and strolled down the isle to the bathroom, leaving Jess staring helplessly after him.




“Annie” Jess called to her seemingly unconscious best friend shaking her frantically. “Annie?” she repeated shouting louder. Shaking harder.
Annie’s head rolled to the side slightly and then rolled back.
Her eyelids quivered and opened; her gaze focused on Ben
“hi” she whispered flirtatiously.