The accident !

  I was happy actually elated. It seemed strange after years of working two jobs and being constantly busy.I now had only a part time job, a new car, and a small amount of faith to survive off of. How things had changed so much in such a short time seemed impossable to me?Here I stood brushing my teeth preparing for a day of dog grooming.How did I get back here? I thought I was long past this place in time.I Guessed there was something for me to learn still. I'd moved along my chosen career path a bit to fast. Now it looked like I would start all over again from the bottom.

Atleast, now there was hope I would finally get back up and start moving forward again. Id been working again for almost four months. Finally todays paycheck would be my escape. I had saved enough tips to get the u-haul.The check would cover gas and a hotel the first night. After that well the uncle said he would figure it out once I was there. He wasn't planning again for me to just back out again. I understood, for I had been wishy washy about what I was doing.I had come this far with my plan. Last step would be at 5:30 today!

  Two years I'd been stuck with no job, no income, no vehicle. I had gotten so low as to actually take the gun from the bottom of Rick's drawer and hold it to my head. My mothers' words hung in the air all around me. Yelling at me! "You couldn't even do that right so don't bother. Besides we both know your the one that will prove him wrong! Do it for me De, don't let him always be right!" I shook my head as the tears gently fell from my eyes. I didn't bother wiping them away. Yes, I knew I was wallering in my self pity. This had just gotten to be way too much for me to handle anymore. I slid the gun back in its holster and put it back in the drawer. I would probably miss anyway, land myself back in the hospital just to be released with a pat on the back and a rest you will be fine! This was a common occurence in my life.

  I had a miracle happen four months ago. I had been helping Rick to wash his truck in the driveway. He was yelling about not having any money, we couldn't go fishing, we couldn't go camping. Heck, even getting him to take me to town always turned into a money argument. I just couldn't handle much more. I had just decided to go in the house, let him wash his own truck. Wasn't my fault he would rather spend his money on alchol ,than to take two dollars and wash his truck. I shouldn't have to listen to him demean me over it. I crawled from the back of the truck and headed to the front door. Looking at the driveway as a van pulled in at that moment.

  I didn't immediatly recognize the occupant. I should have, it had just been a year or two since I'd seen Karen how was I to know she'd lost so much weight. I finally realized who it was as I walked toward the van, how could I miss the license plates on her mothers van. Karen leaned out the window as I approached, "De, mom sent me to find you! She heard you need a job, she needs help, can you come help?"

  "When?"no question, of course I would help. I had been helping her mother for eighteen years off and on. I'd cleaned her grooming shop when it was just a hole in the wall off the highway. Now she had three groomers and several part time bathers working for her.

  "Soon as you can, one of her groomers is dealing with troubles at home. She is back booked for a month." Karen replied.

  "Be there tommorrow, seven ok!" I answered without hesitation.

  Rick chose right then to walk up. "How in pray tell do you plan to get there?"

  Karen gave him a strange look, I knew what she was thinking. This wasn't the time for that argument with him it just wasn't.

  "I will be there Karen, tell mom I might be later if I have to walk it!" I pointedly looked at Rick. Waved and walked off as Karen backed out of the driveway.
Rick came in the house,"What the hell, I can't afford to drive you south to turn around and drive back north. There is no way that will work out, you will have to pass on that."

  "What the hell, your the one complaining I have no job, your the one making me feel two because I am not working. None of this would be occuring if you had helped me save the damn car, instead you had to have your new truck. I will get there even if I have to walk. To hell with you!" I marched into the bedroom and slammed the door. I threw myself on the bed. Crying by now, what was I supposed to do, it didn't matter where I was offered a job. It didn't matter how low I got. It only seemed to matter that he had control. I should have stayed gone when I was gone no doubt about it now! Now it was too late, always a day late and a dollar short!

  So many oppurtunities I'd thrown aside lately, all because he wouldn't like me working there. There were certain things I knew better than to even try for. The job at the casino I was offered by the owner. Now that was a hard one to pass up, but I knew no way would he go for me driving that far to work, or the night hours that would be involved.

  The radio station in Kansas. The owner herself had offered me a job. Even offered me help in relocating. Plain fear of the unknown kept me from taking what seemed to good to be true!

  Here I was being offered a job working with someone I trusted. Doing something I'd been doing for eighteen years. He still had a problem with it. Now I knew there was a problem with our relationship, not me! I started making a plan as I laid on the bed reviewing all of the last couple years. I really should have stayed gone when I was in Fulton with my cousin. I had everything I needed with me. Why did I let him convince me to return. I knew things were over by then, Why? This question would haunt me throughout the night as a plan of action began to form in my mind.

  I could work the next few months. Put my tips aside he wouldn't have to know about those. That would be my moving on money! The paycheck of course would have to go for him in hopes of making up my half of the rent and utilities I owed him.
It would take a while but if done right I could catch up. I had hope!

  My plan seemed to go smoothly. I had made it this far. Ms. Mary, Karen's mom had informed me that the full time groomer would be back the following monday. She would like for me to stay on as receptionist though. I of course would have been happy to, but in the back of my mind I knew by Monday I planned to be hundreds of miles from here. I had chosen not to share my plan with anyone as every time I had in the past plans had fallen through for one reason or another.

  I swear at times I thought Rick was intentionally destroying all hope I had, if he kept me low enough he had control. I knew all about men and control. I'd been here before long ago. I never had expected Rick to be that type. I thought I knew him better after fourteen years together. I was slowly learning when given the oppurtunity even the nicest men could become control freaks. I sure had given him pleanty of oppurtunity recently.

  I was grateful to my step mother, she had gotten tired of picking me up when I had to leave work earlier than Rick could come get me. Eventually she had bought me a nice used car. Even though I had repeatedly said I no longer wanted to drive. My eyesight was weird occasionally. I had several black outs where I just didn't know what had happened to the time. Basically I was scared to drive anymore. Yet, knew I should and could if I really set my heart to it. I was grateful in the end. It sure had made life easier these last couple months. It made my plan a little easier too.

  I kissed Rick goodbye that morning with the full intention of never seeing him again. I hadn't given a clue of my plan. I had warned him and threatened way too many times. Why bother now! He wouldn't miss me anyway. By now I had convinced myself he had another waiting in the wings anyway. It had become pretty obvious lately. I was sure thats what it all came down to, I believed he had been seeing someone for quite some time probably close to five years now. I tried hard not to think about my conclusions I'd come up with in all that time of dwelliing on my past and the many mistakes I'd made.

  I whistled all the way to work. I actually even stopped at wal mart to pick up a good bye card. HA! I was gonna leave one last word of contempt with him. I arrived to find I had one dog scheduled to groom that day. I questioned this, was I to leave early? I was informed in a very short amount of time how wrong I was. My client arrived only minutes after me. A large Bovarian, this could take all day. The coat hung limply all the way to the floor. This dog had to weigh three hundred pounds. Obviously a day I would spend sitting on the floor to groom. I didn't mind but I hoped for a good tip atleast.

  For the next nine hours I would go back and forth between checking dogs in and out and grooming on the bovarian sheep dog. Washing and rinsing had been a chore in itself. It took three of us to get him in the tub. Over two hours of waiting for the majority of his hair to dry before I bothered attacking with the hair dryer to dry the remainder. Then the hours of brushing and getting that hair to lay in its long curls just right. I was happy with the finished project by four thirty. I was hurting all over though. This sitting on the floor had not been good for my back. I should have eaten lunch too I was feeling a bit light headed. Just didn't have the money.

  Ms. Mary's husband Al did the paychecks every friday. Today he was running late. They wouldn't be done by five. Dang ,I would have to wait until tommorrow morning to put my plan into action.Thats ok, just means I could pack more things, Rick would be gone fishing with Jim. They had made those plans wednsday evening so atleast I knew I would have a big window of time to get everything in order. I really wanted to atleast get my check deposited so I didn't have to worry about that detail in the morning.

  I had just remembered today was my brothers birthday. I sat trying to figure out if I would be better off running home make a card on the computer then go back to his house. Then, again maybe I should just stop at wal mart then go to his house. Either way it looked as though I wouldn't get home before Rick tonight. Glad I hadn't said anything this morning!

  I took off at five, checks were not ready so I told Al to just call me. I would be coming back that way to go to my brothers' house anyway. I'd pick it up then! I decided to go home take a shower, and make my brother a card then go out to his house. Hopefully I could get all that done before Rick even got home from work.

  I bought a pepsi in the machine outside the door of the grooming shop. I made sure I still had a pack of cigarettes under the car seat. I was tired and knew it but I had so much to get done . I had to stop at the post office, have my mail forwarded. I would worry about all that later for now I just wanted to get home and get a shower taken. I turned the engine over, put my seat belt in place. I checked my cell phone was under the seat still. My grooming equipment was in the back seat along side the medical record folder.

Seeing it I shook my head, that was another thing to ad to the mental list. Find new doctor, I wanted back on my hormones! Sure wasn't getting far on that subject around here. Still didn't understand how the last doctor had taken me off the hormones, no warning nothing, just said , "Sorry I cant refill those!" The doctor whom first prescribed them had said I would be on them for life. Now I was being told I couldn't get them refilled. I was more confused there than ever. Not something to worry about just yet, I'd take care of that when I got settled. Where ever that might end up being.

  I set out for home. As I left town, Wal-mart was just on the edge of town. When I passed the first entrance I had a truck following on my tail end. I decided Id hit there on my way back through, it wasn't worth chancing it.

  Moments later my cell phone rang. I pulled to the side of the highway, just in front of the city limit sign. I was safely off the road and parked when I answered the phone. It was Al, checks were done! I told him just put it on the shelf where he usually put them , I would be back by later on my way to my brothers. I tossed the phone back under the seat. Never have cared for talking on a phone. Sure didn't like the connection I got with that trac fone either but it was better than nothing. Never knew when communication would be utmost important again, 9/11 had made it clear to me I needed a cell phone.

  I put the car in gear , turned my blinker on and pulled out in traffic. Hmm, that was weird this highway and no real traffic at five in the evening. There was another truck behind me, but nothing in front of me as far as I could see. Which from the top of this hill for almost two miles was a clear straight stretch right up to the park road and M&M auto that sat on the curve. Not a bit of traffic was coming at me and only the truck behind me? I of course immediatly slowed down telling myself, there has to be an accident ahead.

  The trucks fender in my rearview mirror  had dissappeared. I figured he turned off somewhere. My attention went back to the front as I rounded the curve. I wished I could afford a truck then I wouldn't have to get a uhaul. I noticed a line of trucks backed up to the highway in the M&M parking lot. My eyes were tracking those tailgates off to the passenger side. (Nothing had been in front of me just seconds before, neither coming at me nor traveling in front of me, of this I am positive!)

  I looked forward, suddenly realizing I was reading FORD in great big Red letters on a white background. A truck at a full stop just ahead of me in my lane. I quickly hit the brake looking to the right automatically, a mailbox, a power pole and a brick building. Couldn't go that way! I couldn't see around to the left, I didn't want to hit something head on. For just a blip I thought about chancing the gravel and the mailbox to the right of the truck. Then almost like a force within I lined the front of that car with the bumper in front of me. "CRASH" "God help me!" was my last thought.

  I awoke to looking at a pool of blood. I raised my head slightly from the bent position I was in. My head was pounding, I heard only the woosh of blood raging through my skull as I put my hand to my face. I covered the gap in my lip in hopes to stem the blood flow. Slowly I pushed myself up into a sitting position staring out the window through a gap under the hood. I saw a man running down the side of the road toward me. He stood at the passenger window, which was now gone. "Mam, you have to get out, you have to get out!" He was trying to open the passenger door.
I was confused and disoriented only for a short time. I opened the drivers door and stepped on to the pavement. He was there in seconds holding a hand out to help me stand. My left leg wouldn't bend at the hip. I couldn't put any pressure on it. I could swear I had just heard him, yet here I stood looking at his mouth moving yet nothing . I got scared I couldn't hear. I couldn't put pressure on my leg. I looked around behind me as a young lady approached me.

  I am not positive of the events that occured in the minutes that passed there after, my recollections are spotty and seem to change sometimes.  I remember the lady telling me she is a nurse, to sit in her car which she had pulled into the space in front of the brick building. Blocked off with a curb half hidden under the grass. She commented she had hit that curb hard , probably would have wrecked herself had she been going any faster. I could not sit as she directed, I remember her commenting I was going into shock. I was more worried about others than myself. I fired off questions not hearing the answers.

"Is someone blocking traffic around the corner?"

"Did someone call the cops."

Seeing the young gentleman walking back up to where we stood. He carried the bumper from my car and laid it on the ground in the ditch beside the car. I looked down the road there sat his truck just off the shoulder. It looked so far away it sat there like a miniture toy truck in the distance. I wasn't even too sure it was the truck I had hit.

"Are you the one I hit?" I asked

"Yes, I am fine are you ok?" he asked

"Can you please get the cell phone from under my seat, I need to call my live- in he should be home any minute he will worry if I am not there yet!" I asked

"Sure!" he did as I asked

I leaned against the back of my own car. I dialed Rick, when he finally answered it was with a brisk "What?" he was already upset about something obviously.

"Rick I wont be there when you get home. I just wrecked the car. It's bad!" I commented.

"What happened?" he asked

"I don't know!" I replied

"Are you hurt?" he asked

"Looks like my hand is broke, and I am bleeding from the face but I seem ok!" I answered.

"Stupid!" he hollered

I didn't even think . I turned the phone off, and laid it on the trunk.

"What did he say?" the man asked.

"Stupid, was his only comment as normal!" I began to feel the hurt at that point.

My phone rang. The man picked it up, "Do you need to answer that?"

"Nope why bother!" I plucked the phone from his hand and threw it into the ditch.

"Was anyone else involved?" I asked, the young lady again tried to get me to sit.

"No, just me and I don't see any damage to my vehicle, it will be ok!" he replied as he headed across the road.

  A truck had pulled to a stop in the other lane headed back into town. The driver and him conversed a bit. I didn't hear, I still wasn't really comprehending what was taking place. I looked around again , this seemed to be the first vehicle from that direction since the accident had taken place. I sure don't recall seeing any others from that direction.

  About that time a policeman came from that direction with a line of cars following him. He pulled into the road to the west side of where my car sat. He began waving traffic through while yelling over the traffic noise.

"Everyone ok!" he asked the other driver.

  They conversed for a bit the whole time the police officer directing traffic through that side of the road. Another officer pulled into the M&M auto parking lot. He took over directing traffic. I was suddenly aware of sirens. Lots of sirens. A fire truck was headed down the hill I'd just come down. Several people were gathering around in the parking lot. The policeman got my attention as the firetruck pulled up!

  "Do you have your drivers license?" he asked above the noise.

  I looked at the woman beside me , the nurse, I wasn't comprehending what he was saying and she was the only one that seemed to even see me. She gently touched my arm and repeated "Drivers License!" very slowly.

  "Yeah , yeah ok. My back pocket I carry it in my case in my pocket!" I answered as I turned back to the cop. (We were standing just to the side of the drivers taillight of my car.) I turned slightly to my right, my eyes settled on the crumpled front of my car as my right hand reached into my back pocket.

  I don't remember much from that point. I would later be told what occured after that by the officer, when he would call my home two weeks later to get my side of what had occured. He never asked the other driver where he came from, nor was the other driver  alchol tested at all. For all I know he pulled out of that lake road or the parking lot right in front of me. The officer would only remark "You need to get a lawyer!" He did give me the mans number and a phone number, which turned out to be his parents phone not his. I did talk to his mother. Just to reassure myself he was ok. According to his mother, he was worried sick I was ok.

  I had went down quickly so quickly in fact both the officer and the young woman whom stood within arms reach would neither react quick enough to catch me. According to the officer my head would bounce off the trunk of my car as my body slid to the concrete. My head would then bounce off the pavement like a rubber ball bouncing atleast three times he counted before the nurse would manage to place her arm under my shoulders. I would start to convulse and then stop breathing.
Within minutes several fireman would take over my care.

  I do recall at some point knowing I was staring at firemen, even making a statement to one,"Do I know you?" at some point I was told I was being transported by air flight to a hospital did I have a preference. I only remember commenting Research. The officer informed me I also repeatedly said no when asked what I meant I would just repeat no.

  My next recollection would be of the noise, the grating loud noise as the helicopter landed at the hospital. I would awaken to darkness and loud very loud noise like a vacum cleaner being ran right inside of my brain. I couldn't move, I couldn't turn my head. I could see nothing around me. I heard nothing but this very loud noise. I realized there was something covering my mouth. Yet my brain screamed, nothing came out! I swear, at that moment I thought for sure I was in a coffin and being buried alive. I blacked out again.

  I recall only bits and pieces at the hospital , here and there things are stronger recollections yet I can never be sure any of it actually happened.I remember a doctor standing over me, "If you dont talk and tell me where it hurts I can't help you!" He sounded angry, I didn't answer. I was confused and lost.

  The only thoughts I remember voicing the whole time was "My dads going to kill me, my dads going to kill me!" Like this should matter at all I was 34 years old yet still worried about my dads reaction to wrecking a vehicle. Today it seems like a very stupid reaction even to my own ears.

  After several tests I just dont recall at all. I was back in the emergency room alcove I had been placed in. My cell phone rang, I remember the older doctor hollering, "Someone take care of that please!" He seemed so angry. This disturbed me even in my half concious state. A younger doctor approached the bed after this older one left the room. "Do you know where you are?"

  "Yes the hospital!" I replied

  "Good, do you know what happened?" he asked patiently

  "I know a car wreck but why am I here, I was out, I was talking to someone a man?" I looked at this doctor with confusion apparent in my voice.

  "Yes, you passed out talking to the police officer." the young doctor replied.

  "I know you!" I suddenly blurted.

  "Yes, I remember you too, your mother was here not long ago." he answered.

  "No, not my mother, my step mother!" I replied sharply.

  " I want to concentrate on you. Where does it hurt?" he asked.

  "My head is roaring, my hip is killing me I have to stand up this hurts laying here!" I began to sit up only for him to press me back down to a laying position.

  "Ok, anything else?" he pointedly looked at the hand I held protectivly with the other against my chest.

  It didn't occur to me I was even holding my hand the way I was. His eyebrow went up. "Do you not feel any pain in your hand?" he asked.

  I held my right hand up where I could see it. It was obviously broken, the fingers layed awkwardly and the top of the palm bulged outward. I just stared at it, until a nurse gently laid my arm to the side of me. I said no more for awhile. My eyes closed. I must have dozed off for a bit.

  My next recollection is that same young doctor coming in and asking a nurse, "Has anyone been called to come get her?" I didnt wait for the nurses reply I spoke out of anger and hurt at that moment.

  "He damn well better come get me. It doesn't freaking matter I will walk home. Not like I haven't walked it before!" I was angry and his last comment "Stupid" still rang in my ears.

  The doctor leaned over the bed, "Why do you say that? Do you know what hospital your at?"

  "He damn well better come get me, but I can walk it from here. This is Research in Belton right? I can damn well walk the six miles it wont be the first time!" I was angry at myself by this time. I'd walked so long, now it looked like I was walking again. Damn, Damn ,Damn! I laid there ignoring everything and everyone I was close to tears now. It wasn't physical pain hurting it was the knowledge the live- in still wasn't there, the knowledge my car was gone and any freedom I knew was once again gone. He had to know by now where I was. He probably had to shower and call his girl friend to tell her he wouldn't be there later. Or better yet he was with her thats why he wasn't here. I'd just gotten to the point of not caring if he showed or not when I heard cowboy boots in the hall. I would know that sound, that pace anywhere!

  I repeated over and over, "No, no, no, I don't care to see him. Just tell him to go. That is the last thing I need to deal with right now!" The young doctor was totally confused now. He recognized the man and short lady walking our way. The curtain was open just far enough I had a clear view of the tall cowboy figure and the short foriegn lady he held close as he walked down the hall toward the cubicle I laid in.
Not one word did he speak to me, nor she. He just asked the doctor if I would be ok as the nurse dragged two chairs into the room for them to be seated.

  I sat there watching as the doctor introduced himself to my father and step mother, he put the pieces together quickly now. How could he have ever forgot. The lady he now sat talking to had been in my shoes not even two years ago. It had been me that sat beside my father as he explained the need for her neck surgery and all that she would need to recover from her auto accident. Now he understood my earlier statements. Probably better than I had understood them at the time.

  The younger doctor would tell my father alot of things that he would forget over the next couple days. Par for the course, my father had never been good at hospitals. They would talk for quit some time. The older doctor would eventually come back in, he too would remember my father and step mother. I believe their conversation was mainly about the step mother not me though. This would irritate my already failing comprehension. The older doctor would continue to give me a very chostic attitude which I simply could not understand.

  (I would later learn this attitude came from the belief that a paramedic had given him initially. He believed I'd tried to commit suicide. This was caused from my medical records coming to the hospital with me. The top sheet in that notebook had been from a local psychologist office. In time the truth would come out, but this doctor had obviously formed an opinion of me based on my medical file alone. Which, I will never understand how that file and my cell phone managed to take an airflight with me from an accident scene.)

  Rick would finally arrive, over five hours had gone by by the time he arrived at the hospital from the time of the accident. He would ask the doctors  not one single question. It was all left up to me even in my state of mind. More xrays would be taken of my hip only after I was told nothing was wrong ."I insisted fine then if nothing is wrong then one of you take hold of that ankle and pull straight down cause the hip isn't moving and it needs to go down NOW!" I had gotten real mad by this time. All this and a doctor is telling me nothing is wrong. No broken bones just bruises. I'd be released soon. Bull, I knew something was wrong with that hip atleast. It was obvious the hand was broke even to my eyes, I didn't need x rays to tell me what was wrong I could feel it.

  When noone would do as I asked I got even madder. I hooked my foot under the bar to the side that the nurse had pulled up to keep me from rolling off the bed. Making sure it was locked in good. With no more than a 1, 2... I threw my body off the other side of the bed head first. My hip popped along with atleast three vertabre shifting in the spine. It was so loud the young doc and Rick both jumped. I laughed as the doctor and nurse both ran to the side of the bed I hung from and helped me get back up laying in the bed. The doctor stood there with a dumbfounded look on his face. My father just shrugged. Rick walked out of the room. I didn't know if he was laughing or what at that point I plainly didn't care.

  The doctor started giving orders to the nurse, " I want another set of xrays done on that hip, that did not sound good at all. " as he finished that statement I grabbed the middle finger on my right hand wrapping all of my fingers on my left around it. I yanked hard and fast, "Pop, pop, crack!" It was longer again, yet still shorter than both fingers to its sides. It had to be broke I didn't care what they said. I didn't feel nothing though so it didn't matter. I just wanted to go home. I couldn't afford to be here anyway. I began insisting on being released at that point.

  The last set of xrays were done with me sitting up on the bed. When I was wheeled back to the alcove in the emergency room . There sat my dad and his wife, his wife was crying blaming herself for buying me the car. "Oh stop it Andrea, you weren't driving it. I was! You are not at fault. I appreciated it and still do! Some how someday I will find a way to pay you what I owe you for it to!" I hollered. I know I sounded bad but dang it I felt  just like everything else someone would have to make my pain all about themselves not me. The story of my life it seemed!

  All I really wanted from anyone at this point was assurance, some sort of assurance all wasn't lost. I felt so alone. So lost, my last chance to recover from the last few years. Gone just like that "Poof!" I just wanted to give up!  I would repeatedly over the next few horrable months ask myself, "Why didn't you choose the building. It would have all been over! Why?"

  The young doctor would come back in. "We have to do a cathater, I am supposed to get a urine sample. You will be needing it anyway!"

  "Oh no you don't, you need a urine sample fine give me a cup but you are not putting a cathater in. My bladder is tied up as it is. Those damn cathaters give me a bladder infection every time. I can't afford the meds and doctors appointments. Besides surgery for what, you just said everything was fine?" I tensly replied. By this time Rick was by my side again. I looked at him, he was the only one that could stand up and say how bad those urine infections got. He knew I couldn't deal with it. Yet he stood there and told the doctor to go ahead. Now I was really confused surgery for what? What had taken place while I was in x-rays. My dad and his wife wouldn't hardly look at me. Rick wouldn't explain. The doctor just did what he intended to do. I began to scream " Just want out, let me go home. I'll be fine as always!" I pleaded to go!

  Finally the older doctor came in. He tersly told me, "You have a slight fracture in your third metacarple, and a bleeding lip where you bit your lip. You have a slight concussion. There is nothing more we can do for you. The nurse will bring the paperwork. You need to follow up with (bone doctor), cant say let alone spell the word he used, on monday. We can sew your lip up but it will heal fine on its own." He looked at me like he was expecting an answer.

  "Well can you just cut the flap of skin off so I won't chew on it?" I asked sticking my bottom lip out.

  "No , it will heal on its own!" he stated.

  "Then stitch it, I know me, I know if it is left the way it is I will eventually chew on it making it worse than it is." I stated.

  "Fine!" he sat down and began stitching. (These stitches would come out before I even got home. He hadn't even tied the end of his thread off.) I would restitch myself in the mirror the day after. Doing a much better job if I do say so myself!

  A nurse put a plastic brace under my right forearm which went up to where she lightly curled my fingers around the end. Then wrapped the arm and brace with ace bandages holding the wrist in place but giving the broken palm and fingers moving room. I was totally confused by now, but just blew it off. Who was I to say it was done wrong especially in my mind state of confussion.

  The nurse brought in a bunch of papers I was expected to sign. Well duh, I am right handed how was I supposed to sign anything. I asked Rick to sign my name. He wouldn't do it. I hollered at dad to just sign my name on the damn forms so I could get out of here each hour was costing me more money I didn't have.  The young doctor I noticed had pulled the older doctor to the hallway. I tried to listen even as my father threw at me, " I got enough medical bills I am not gonna be responsable for yours!" The nurse brought the forms back over to the bed. She had tears in her own eyes at this point. I could tell she was hurting for me by now.

  Mentally I'd had enough. I grabbed the pen with my left hand. I scribbled on the paper big circles. "There now make a note its my signature with left hand and let me out of here, throw me my jeans." I had over heard enough of the tense conversation in the hallway to know the young doctor was fighting my case and the older doctor was only releasing me because no one would take responsability for the medical bills.

  Something was wrong with my back, and both doctors knew it yet I was being released. I knew it had something to do with that lower spine and the extra x rays they had taken. That was all I knew. Something was being hidden from me and I now knew that for sure.

  I yelled at Rick as the nurse handed me my jeans and I began to pull them on, not caring the curtain was open and so many people were still in the room. I just bluntly didn't care I wanted out of here. I hated hospitals and doctors even worse. God help anyone that dared mention cancer to me. I was liable to go all out crazy on them, "Rick grab my phone, and get my medical record file from the nurse now. Go warm the van up I'll be out in a minute." I looked up Rick just stood there staring.

  The young doctor, nurse, and Rick all stood there watching me manage to get my jeans on and just threw my shirt over my shoulders in front of me, holding it up with my right arm pressed against my chest. The older doctor, my father and his wife had stepped into the hall.

  I threw my legs over the side of the bed, I'd have to wait til I was standing to zip the zipper. Something wasnt right, I wasn't stopping to think about it though. I reached for Rick's hand. "Let me get a wheelchair!" the nurse said.

  "Forget it, no way am I setting in one those damn things." I said. I put weight on first one foot then the other. In a standing position I held my breath for the pain I thought would surely be there. Not a thing, must have gotten the hip in place after all.

  "Can you even walk?" the young doctor asked. He was now standing on my right side as Rick held my elbow on the left side, offering his support to walk atleast. I felt , rather than saw Rick give the doctor a quizzical look. The doctor stepped in front of me about two foot, like he was just waiting for me to fall. He obviously didn't know me very well.

  "Rick do you have my things!" I asked.

  "Your dad does!" he answered.

  "Get them from him, we are going home!" I answered as I slowly took first one step then another.

  I would walk (well stumble half walking half just being pulled along holding Ricks arm.)right out the emergency doors, climb in Rick's truck and head home. The ride home would be a very silent one. Only when I asked him about dad did he say anything, " I called the house, I told Andrea you had wrecked the car but had spoken to me. Only after I had finally found out where they had taken you! You had called you sounded fine. By the time I got home the neighbor said they had seen you air flighted. It took over two hours to track down where they had taken you. I then found out after your dad showed up there that Andrea had taken the message and not told your dad until after he was through feeding the horses. He was still angry with her for waiting. That is the argument you overheard with her and him."

  I returned to work the next day. Having Rick take me in! Only to have a groomer bring me home at lunch. Just trying to be receptionist wouldn't go well. I had even unwrapped the hand in attempt to write a message. I would get angry at myself for not being able to even hold the pen in my hand let alone write. By noon I had obviously made the situation even worse. My hand was now the size of a large softball swollen to the point the skin was stretched taunt and still swelling. The hip was acting up once again. After the second time of falling on my ass holding a small dog in the air as I fell. I knew it was time to give it up. I threw in the towel and began walking home. Tears streaming down my face.

  "God, please just let me come be with momma please!" I begged over and over.
I couldn't understand once again he had left me here when he had the perfect oppurtunity to take me peacefully and suddenly.

  I couldn' t get the image I had of the front of my car out of my mind. The front tires sitting up under the drivers seat. The front window shattered. The passenger and drivers windows gone completly. The man walking with the front bumper back to where the car sat. It all played over and over in my mind as I walked.

  I heard a car horn, it was Becky, "Get in, Ms. Mary is worried about you, Jennifer said she saw you take off walking. I got your notebook here, figured I'd give you a lift on home. That is where your headed right?" she looked at me strangly.

  "Yeah!" I tiredly replied getting in and snapping my seatbelt in place. That was the first time I really wondered about wether I had my seatbelt on in the wreck or not. I think I did but now I was unsure.

  She drove me home in silence. "See you tommorrow?" she asked.

  " I doubt it whats the point!" I got out and walked to the front door. Sitting down hard on the steps. The tears came then their was no holding it back. I didn't even have my house key! That was the final straw the waterworks broke through.

  A couple hours later the neighbor would drive by seeing me on the step he would stop to see if I was ok. Once I explained I was locked out he would go over to the landlords and get the landlady to come let me in. I can only guess it was also him that called Rick to let him know I was home and upset. When Rick would get home that evening we would have an all out blow out. I would stumble out of the house headed where, I dont know. Only to land on my face at the end of the driveway as I tried to cross the ditch. I laid there and balled until Rick would come out, pick me up and carry me to bed. He seemed so angry, so mad, and upset. It wasn't happening to him yet he seemed to be reacting worse than me. This just caused guilt in my mind which made it all that much worse to me.

  I would spend the next three weeks on the phone. Racking up the long distance bills to over a hundred dollars, I didn't have. Still getting no where in getting my right hand fixed, at this point it was obvious it was broke in several places but what was I to do. The local hospital turned me away. I owed too many bills to them already. Belton research, where I originally thought Id been taken, wouldn't schedule an appointment. I owed too many bills there too.

  I would try one more time at returning to work. I was promised all I had to do was answering the phone. Ms. Mary even brought a tape recorder I could record messages she would write them down later or have one of the part time girls do it. She hated to see me give up now. One of the clients gave me a number for SSI and suggested I go to the county family help center. In the end I did, I got the same answers there as anywhere else. They did get a disability case started. I saw little hope though.

  Eventually someone would suggest trying Truman Medical Center, a teaching hospital nearby. I would atleast finally get headed in the right direction. Three emergency rooms, three seperate hospitals and many doctors later I would have surgery on my right hand. A metal plate would be inserted in the back of my hand to hold the shattered bones of the fingers in place. Two screws would be put in the center finger and the back of the hand. Later the plate would be removed because of allergic reaction.

  In the meantime I would go back to walking to town occasionally when I could. My legs acted up more now than ever. I began to lose time completly. Hours would be lost not knowing what I did during that time period. I couldn't find work, between my bad back, and unknown passing out spells, the right hand, and now I was back to seeing doubles almost constantly.

  Six months in three different partial casts, and another six months of therapy. Atleast two visits a week  to the hospital in downtown Kansas City , each one being all day events due to transportation. A moutain of paperwork, more bills than I can think about.It was finally winding down to where I could think again a year later.

  I can say in the end even the physical therapist was shocked on my last visit. I could make a fist. I have no real feeling in the hand but I can write again, I can make a fist. Yet , I still can not hold the dog clippers for more than an hour without the hand automatically releasing them then folding itself awkwardly and not moving for hours. The physical therapist could only say , "Time, give it time!"

  I was running out of time fast! I could tell any day Rick was going to say get out! Andrea,my step mom, no longer even came around. It was like she was scared to be around me. Dad of course still never had time to even stop and say hello let alone talk. Rick seemed to ignore me more now than ever. If we did talk it was yelling at each other over stupid things. In the end everyone of our arguments came down to simple fact of no money and too many bills. It was all my fault too!

  During this years time I would face other complications that would arrise along the way making the whole thing that much worse. Here I will attempt to add those in and make it clear of how one accident can cause total havoc if you have no back up money in the bank, no health insurance, and no one to lean on!

  I figured I was going to the hospital all the time anyway so I would take care of the hormone problem while I was at it. Only to find that fight was impossible too. They wanted me to start all over with the pills I already knew wouldn't work. Noone listened. They scheduled me to have a biopsy for the knot in my chest. This would appointment would go haywire three times. All three times something would be wrong, where it was scheduled, who with, and basically became such a hassle I eventually blew it off and never did find out about that ever growing lump. It's been there so long I doubt its serious. Even if it is so what, What can I do about it?

  So I ignore it. I ignore the pain in the hips, I ignore the swollen knees, swollen twisted ankles, and most of all the radiating pain in the hand that never seems to go away. The passing out at unknown times, the double vision, and the more persistant terrible migraines that became so disabling I would lay in bed three days at a time crying in pain. Feeling like my head would explode any minute. All of these things I dealt with, with no pain killers,(most pills I just throw up.). Initially I would be placed on a pain killer Tramadol it was small enough I could slip it into a piece of bread ,swallow it and hold it down til I would fall asleep.

  Eventually I would figure out it was the pain killer itself causing the migraines. Only after taking the pain killer, 24 hours later, I would be disabled by the migraines.

  I would eventually throw them away but the migraines continue when the spine is out of whack. Not working , this only occurs now if I over assert myself when cleaning house or walk to far.

  When the day arrived to go to court over the vehicle accident. The insurance company didn't hire a lawyer. I had found one only because I'd been at court the week before (also without a lawyer) over a thousand dollar debt on a credit card. I put it bluntly, "You want the leg or the arm?" first thing I said when the judge asked if I'd made these debts. The whole room laughed atleast! Even the judge had a slight smile to that one.

  I stood there with ankle braces on both ankles, my right knee wrapped in an ace bandage (a fall down the steps just two days before!), my right arm still in a sling and wrapped with a brace on the wrist area (the wrist still snapped and popped when turned wrong.) I had been dropped off at the courthouse early that morning before Rick went to work. I would have to find my own way home.

  The judge had simply told the creditor, "Do what you have to do!" I was told to sign the papers he handed me and escorted out of the room.

  (This itself is a story all its own, I only had two credit cards $1500 in credit debt. I had just barely, four years before gotten a school loan cleared up that had damaged my credit ability since I was 18. Here I was on a fast track of losing all I'd just began to gain.)

I atleast got the chance to chat with a lawyer there about my upcoming vehicle case. He said he would take the case if I could come up with $250.00 before then. $150.00 for the ticket and another hundred for his bill. He gave me his card and a good luck!

  I stood in the foyer wondering how I would get home. My cell phone rang, my step mother, boy that was lucky. She wanted me to go to the casino with her. Sure why not, I had just blown any chance of ever having credit. Had to find some way to get that money I would need for the lawyer.

  I spent the next week calling everyone and everywhere I could think of. I even tried to sell that grooming equipment, I would most likely never need again. I had run out of choices and was still getting no where. Rick even turned away from helping me at this point. My father said I was on my own.

  Again, another prayer went up and another answer was sent, almost like magic. That last morning before court. First a plant arrived from Ms. Mary delivered to the house with a note, "Call when your feeling better!" It was nice but plants never survived in my house.

  Next I would sit down at the computer. I hadn't been on it for some time. One of those I use to chat with all the time would im me. I wasn't in a good mood. They could tell. They did all they could to ease my fears. Eventually in a way it was they who suggested I call an employer I had helped out a couple times. Maybe she would buy my grooming equipment or make some sort of deal.  I took this suggestion and ran with it! I would call Pitty Patty's daycare that day. Pat would be happy to help!

  That evening I would have Rick take me out to her house. I would take my grooming equipment and basically ask for it to be used as collateral. Pat wouldn't hear of it. "You might need that somewhere along the way to pick up a few dollars." She loaned me the money trusting I would get it back to her. I would call the lawyer. Being last minute he said if I had cash he would meet me at the court house as he had another court date at the same place for someone else.

  He wouldn't write it down. The following day he would not show at the court house. I would end up facing the same judge as before, (Now adding a wrist brace to the many braces I already had on on my left wrist from falling down the stairs again reaching to catch myself and causing the left wrist to pop out of place. I was now unable to bend the left wrist at all.)

  The other guys lawyer would be sympathetic to the fact I just wanted to pay my ticket , the insurance should pay for his truck. I wouldn't be driving again I wasn't worried about points off my license or anything else for that matter. I had cash to pay my ticket.

  This became a circus right from the start. First his lawyer stated my insurance hadn't paid for his truck. They needed proof of insurance! The judge just asked, "Did you accept responsability for this accident?"

  "Well yes and I am again, I hit him in the rear. I cant fight it and won't, even try though to this day I haven't the slightest idea where he came from?" I replied.

  "Get off your ass and call your dad! He will get you a lawyer!" the judge replied.

  I was in shock. First that a judge would say this in a court room full of people to a 34 year, old no less. Then well hell, did he really believe I hadn't called my dad. Good god, I begged for his help. I pleaded til I couldn't plead anymore. I got angry I admit I got very angry at this point.

  I threw the bag I carried wiith my notebook, medical records, and court documents. I aimed for that judge. I started yelling , " You freaking Ass, you haven't the right to stand up there and tell me such things do your job, I will take care of me!" I was escorted out before I could finish sputtering my speil out!

  I threw the bag across the tile in the foyer, following it to where it laid. I stood there in tears not knowing what to do. I had two hundred and fifty dollars cash on me. I couldn't pay my ticket. I couldn't get the officer standing there to give me a ride home and he knew the teens that had followed me in that morning knew I had that cash on me too. That was my big fear about walking now. My hip was giving out I was limping again. The pain was becoming unbearable at this point the migraine started up again. I sat with a thunk. I didn't care if I was in anyones way or not why should I . They didn't give a damn about me!

  It wasn't long and a nice lady with long flowing blond hair walked up. She had overheard me going off on the judge, think she had heard the judges comment too!
She thought maybe she could help. Turns out she was adminstrative judge of traffic control. Not real sure but basically she was the one all plans of changes to roads and signs in the county had to go through before they were changed.

  I told her my story. Why I was here , and what I wanted to do. I just wanted to pay the ticket and be done with it! I shouldnt have to arrange to get up here again two weeks from now. I couldn't handle anymore. I felt like any moment I would lose it and go' Postal ' as they say around here, for lack of better term.

  This lawyer would take me upstairs where my ticket would be reviewed, the other lawyer would be called. He would appologize and immediatly come up to the courthouse. Explaining in the end his other court case had been cancled he had simply forgot. Turns out the problem had been my insurance company not paying for the trucks tailgate. I needed proof of insurance at the time of the accident. I didn't even have any of that paperwork with me. I was at a loss til by chance I remembered the letter Id recieved yesterday, the refund check of the months I wouldn't being using in insurance. I'd picked it up hoping to cash it at price chopper on my walk home. I pulled that from my pocket. "Will this work?"

  "That will definatly do, let me get a copy of it!" he shook his head, wondering I am sure why I would have that with me of all things. I would then pay the hundred fifty to the clerk. He would sign a paper, I would sign. On the way back down in the elevator I would hand him the other hundred. He would walk away. That was all done.

  I headed out the doors, wondering where the nice female lawyer had disappeared to. I would like a chance to thank her. I got that chance moments later as she trotted up to me on the sidewalk outside. "Hey wait up, I was going to give you a ride home, you said you were without transportation. I wont allow you to walk that far. I can give you a ride home on my way out!" She said.

  I was more than relieved by this. The check didn't matter I could cash it later.A ride home took precendence at this point. On the way she asked me to tell her about my accident , where and how it occured.

  We went right by it on the way home. She took into account the brick building was now gone. I pointed out the concrete hidden under the grass. If they thought tearing the building down improved the situation they were wrong. She understood why I had hit the truck rather than the concrete and the building.

  She also informed me I had made the right decision. Two women in the next two weeks after my accident would lose their lives at the exact same location with the same scenario. They would make fatal decisions. One hitting the building instead of a van of children. The other taking the oncoming lane and killing another driver also.

  If this was supposed to make me feel better, well it did the exact opposite.Though I was grateful to her for trying to make my decision more palatable to my mind. She would inform me this stretch of this highway was scheduled to be totally redone and a turning lane would be installed. The car lot was also told they could no longer back vehicles up along the parking lot there. I would notice over the next few weeks the car lot seemed to seldom have more than ten cars in the lot too.

  Right before reaching my home there is a dangerous intersection where the stop signs get removed alot. Not that it matters since most dont stop anyway. You can't see at the intersection itself only as you come up to it. She noticed this after a car almost took the front end of her car off running the sign. She asked if that happened often. Of course I recounted a couple of the worst accidents I had seen in the four years I had lived here. I am sure there was more I could have said but we were at my home. I didn't want to hold this nice woman up anymore than I already had.

  Our road and this intersection were placed on the scheduled forecast for road repair in 2007. I believe this event had a bit to do with that, but that is just my belief. 

  Now I sit here Over two years later. Still no vehicle, no job, no health insurance, no word from disablity. This too will be hindered, I can get no lawyer to take my disability case. The medical records are all too old. The system doesn't seem to care I am living a life of being a ghost in a home I know I am actually unwelcome in.

  The state seems to prefer a person in my age group to get pregnant ,they will give you all the help you need. If you have no children, forget it you cant get help. Seeing as how I can't get pregnant. Well that option is out. An old boyfriend took care that years ago.

  I have no family that will help anymore. I have lost what few friends I did have. Between the black outs, the confusion, memory loss, and the man I live with. I haven't got a chance in hell to battle back into a real life. I sit and wait for death to knock at my door. Yet I want to fight, I am angry, I am resentful. This isn't where I am supposed to be! I want to work again, I need to work again. I need something to care about. Someone or something out there needs me as much as I need them. Eventually the answers will come! They always have before!

                                  I ONLY HAVE , FAITH!