The Creatures Who Came to Dinner

The Creatures Who Came To Dinner

Its a cold Saturday evening...the temperature is hovering around zero...the wind is whipping around, knocking the windows....its darker than dark...yet Doodle <my wife> and I are bundled up on the couch... a candle burning...a Saturday movie on...our troubles miles away...yet both of us know we had plans that neither one wants to keep....when suddenly Doodle whispers quietly in my ear...

"C'mon, when was the last time you said no to FREE FOOD?"

Her then friend, Deanna had invited us over to dinner earlier in the week. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. All your Saturday plans seem like a good idea on Tuesday.

But then the temperature dropped, along with my enthusiam. I would've settled for staying right where I was and maybe slapping together a TV dinner and soup and taking in another "Law and Order SVU" episode.

Besides, every time I go to Deanna's house, I leave there with some kind of insidious third world disease that no cure has been invented for.

Still it was a chance to go see those two little ingrates, my God daughters, Lorianna and Sorianna. But everytime they see me they bust out into tears, usually with a mouthful of unidentifiable food.

Usually I look around the place at the endless array of her assorted kids, the mess, the crying and it makes me want to break out a video camera and do a commercial...

(*"Look at these poor children living in these deplorable conditions...but for just 40 cents a day, less than the price of a pack of gum, you can put these kids into the lap of luxury...first rate grub...high def entertainment...")

Doodle and I went out into the cold and drove over to Deanna's house. It was worse than we thought, the place was clean and the God daughters were no where to be found. They were visiting relatives.

Yet the chow was cooking and it smelled really good. For a minute, it would seem like this was going to be worth it.

We sat down at the table, did the math and noticed there were 3 extra places. Just as soon as the food hit the table, other guests arrived. We had no idea we weren't the only people invited to this dinner "party".

The door opened and for a second or two it looked like Halloween. Three visitors from some unknown planet walked in. Deanna had a candy dish full of candy bars and I was going to get up and give them some, but they weren't carrying pillow cases.

The sex of the first one was in question until I determined it resembled singer Tracy Chapman. I kept waiting for her to belt out "Fast Car" but she didn't say much...just mumbled and drooled a bit. The black Red Sox hat also prevented me from having a crush on her.

The second one had a yellow jacket on with a gasoline hat and a rag on under it. She had no less than 14 piercings on her face....nostrils...ears...lips...eyelids...forehead...

The finest trailer parks were combed to find the third party who I'm going to assume was her mother. She somehow thought people might want to see her gravity enhanced "navel" on a zero degree night. So much so she greeted us with the widest Jerry Springer-esque smile.

I get the feeling inspite of her appearance, she was less than 15 years older than her daughter...I don't know why I suspect this...they sat down. You got the feeling with any effort, mother and daughter could be pregnant by the same guy.

Anyway I look at Doodle who is trying not to give away any feelings with the look on her face, she is grinning thru a slightly opened mouth. She kicks me under the table and says quietly thru her gritted teeth, "One plate and we're outta here!"

I smile approvingly. Deanna throws the food on the table and they make a mad dive for it, forsaking the serving utensils and Tracy Chapman was drooling all over everything.

Doodle grabbed 2 clean pieces of chicken and gave me one.

Deanna starts the dinner conversation, "So guys how was the cruise?"

"Cruise? We're you guys the entertainment?" I asked.

This went over their heads, but the fact that these people were let on a cruise ship was interesting. I started doing some quick calculations in my head and realized they must have not paid rent on the trailer for months to afford that trip. Unless the cruise people just let them on out of fear or amazement.

The mother, that vision of lovliness, starts going on and on about some comedian on the boat. She laughs a raspy laugh and says, "Remember that Mookie?" who I assume was played by the Tracy Chapman person.

With a mouth full of food and saliva she was staring straight at her plate, "Mmmhuh..mmm" she replied thru it all.

The pierced one starts talking about something else that happened there and the mother belted out an evil laugh that sounded like it came out of an old man. "Hahehehehhaha" with her mouth wide open, minus about 4-6 teeth and then started a lovely cigarette induced cough.

Now in my head I'm thinking you have some serious dental issues and going on a cruise is a priority? Then I thought it was a good thing the corn we had there wasn't on the cob.

Then the pierced one starts going on about the food. "There was great food on that ship! We ate for days on end, wasn't that cool Mookie?"

The food was now spread on Tracy Chapman's cheeks, both hands and all over the table..."Mmmhuh..mmm...yeah cool."

I'm looking at this whole scene amusingly but the fun was about to end. The pierced one asked Deanna, "Hey, what did you pick us up at the liquor store?"

Well that was it. This story was bad enough without seeing these people drunk. I'd be writing sequels for months. I kicked Doodle under the table who cleared her throat, "Uh hem, Dee I told my sister I'd be over by 7, we're gonna go."

We got up and kindly dismissed ourselves and bolted back out into the cold and to the car. We drove home shaking our heads and laughing.

"Hey" I told Doodle, "There's still time to make Law and Order?"

"Yep" she replied, "Wanna pick up something to eat?"