somethings arent made to be

         My blood boiled as the icy wind blew across my skin. I did not remember why I had been so upset; I merely knew that I was not calm. Small snowflakes floated down from the sky, contradicting the clear blue sky above me. Nothing made sense. Not my life, my friends, or my feelings. Confusion was a pleasant reprieve from understanding, so I did not try to clear the clouds that drifted in my head. I reached into the inside pocket of my jacket and removed a pack of cigarettes, placing one in between my lips and lighting it. I took several drags and felt the nicotine flow through my veins. I did not need to smoke but I needed to abuse my body. Earlier in my life I had hurt myself whenever the urge to self-destruct hit me. I had grown since then and now I knew that there were less painful abuses I inflict upon myself. I took several more drags before I started the short walk between Jay’s house and mine.
         I knocked several times on Jay’s door, being loud enough to make my presence known. I waited in his doorway as I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. The door opened and I was greeted by Jay’s pellet gun shoved into my face.
         “Man piggy, I thought you were someone else. Come on in.” He said, lowering the pellet gun.
         I stepped into his front hallway casually. Jay mumbled in the background but I paid no attention to the words he was saying and let my eyes wander around the room.
         “Hey Jay man, I need to talk to you.”
         “About what?” He said with unenthused concern.
         “It’s just….well…life. Right now life sucks, and my family doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from and I’d really like someone to talk to.”
         “Alright, come, step into my office.” Jay said with more feeling than he had before. I followed him up the stairs and into his bedroom, trying to think of how I would express my feelings into words without sounding weak or hurt. Pride is everyman’s weakness, and I was no exception. Jay wasn’t the kind of friend I could act bothered around, so I have a tendency not to speak unless I clearly and wisely choose my words when in his presence.
         Upon entering his room I took comfort in the cluttered darkness that lied within. There was just something comforting about the shadows that surrounded me. They made me feel safer, like I could hide my pain and frustration and all my other emotions within them.
         “Okay, I’m listening. Speak your mind.”
         “You better get comfortable; I ain’t gonna stop once I start.” I said as he reached into his drawer and produced from it a small metallic pipe filled with the sticky, leafy product which is harbored from the cannabis plant. He took a lighter and lit the pipe, inhaling the very distinctive smelling smoke which was released from the burning plant product. “Alright, here goes. A few weeks ago I got an idea from a movie. I forget the named, but that isn’t relevant. Anyways, in this movie the main character decides to create a lie so plain and subtle that it can’t be called a lie openly. I decided to do the same thing. I started telling my friends a lie that was very blunt and unquestionable. I spread rumors that I was bisexual. I was trying to test them because I’ve had so many of my friends turn on me that I needed to separate the true friends from the fake ones. I expected a lot of my friends to leave, but the only one person I thought would never turn his back on me is the only person who refuses to speak to me. I hate to admit it, but somehow the betrayal of the one friend I thought I had hit something deep. I don’t even know why it bothers me so much, because I had been prepared to loose a lot of friends. I guess that no matter what I was expecting, he just wasn’t on the list of people I would never speak to again. And now I find out he’s spreading my own rumor around the school. He turned my simple lie against me. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Should I fight him, or do I turn the other cheek because I use to be his friend. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Help me out; tell what I’m supposed to do.”
         Jay thought for a second, inhaling on the pipe.  “Honestly, if it was me, I’d knock him out. This is what you do. Just go up to him and throw all your weight into one punch. Hit him right behind his eyebrow, not the temple but that soft spot right behind the eyebrow. Lay him out and be done with it.” He said, refilling the pipe “You wanna hit this. Herbal remedy, number one cure for depression” He finished, holding the pipe out to me. I took it, fired it, and inhaled deeply, letting the drug sink into my system before exhaling it. I repeated the process, this time not holding the smoke for as long, and pondered about the current situation, blowing smoke rings that drifted lazily to the ceiling. I had hoped talking about my situation would have made it easier for me to handle, but somehow it didn’t.
         The rest of the day passed in small segments. Watching a movie in Jay’s living room, walking home in the dark, eating everything in my refrigerator, and lying in bed feeling the world spin as I only could when in extreme relaxation. Gradually i remember falling asleep and dreaming that me and Travis were sitting on my couch stoned, eating cheeto's and watching anime. When i woke i realized it was jus a dream, and a tear swelled up in my eye before running down my cheek and falling onto the bedcovers.
                The next few das passed quickly and without incident. I tried my best to act interested in the gossip and drama of highschool, but none of it mattered to me. Only twice did I see Travis in that time, and he avoided me with a passion. I realized in that time that things would never be the same, no matter how much i dreamed or wished or hoped or prayed, things could never be okay between him and me. Even if he apologized, I wouldn't forgive him. His hillybilly bigotry had compromised our friendship, and he could never be forgiven.