I Am Proud

I AM PROUD!

    I am a seventeen year old boy. The world expects me to be lazing carefree on a beach with the beaming hot sun baking my young white skin then seeking the cooling relief, as I breach the lapping barrier, running and jumping until the ocean engulfs my whole body. It is a perfect scene, like one would expect from a movie or a good book.Yes, I am a seventeen year old boy, but I am not just a carefree soul rambling through life, experiencing only for the moment and merely at arms reach. Instead, I am walking in a man's shoes. Today a miracle changed my life. I became grounded.  I fear my responsibility, all the while a never ending smile is planted on my face. I realize  instantly that life is not black and white. To my wife, this little life began nine months ago. To me, she appeared today. Today I am a proud father, I am the provider of three now. I am scared and excited at the same time. I love my little girl and I promise myself I will do what ever it takes to make our life work.

    I am an eighteen year old man. I have risen up to my responsibility. I work more hours than my sleeping percentage permits. The rent is paid, we have adequate food and the bills are covered. My daughter is not wanting for anything, except for me. She is not old enough to understand the time I must dedicate to provide for the family. My thoughts are haunted by my staggering failure. As it turns out I have become an outsider in my own home and a new man has established his presence there. My wife's passion smolders for his company now. I realize, I spent too much time on this side of a fine imaginary line.  On the other side? Emotional  support for my family. The small window of time left at the end of my busy day was not enough to sustain my family's needs.

    I am a young divorced man. Life has become a caustic rain that burns as it trickles down my aching body. My anguish rotates like the moon's cycles. I eagerly claim my fatherhood once a month. My confused Michelle glowing with sadness hidden behind her smile, plays the roll of my daughter. Her eyes glint as I pick her up and mist when she is returned. Her mother Peggy, manipulates her thoughts, not to hurt me, but as a defense. She is consumed with ownership of our daughter. I assume she was never taught to share and her inability supports my thoughts.

    Peggy's Michelle is prim and proper. She is so well behaved. I find myself in awe of this five year old's perfection. Her role as my daughter is played so well. I return the acting effort with a masterpiece of my own. The new female presence in my life glows with love for my little girl and suddenly we become a weekend family. A sigh of relief escapes my emotions as I engross in the delicate balance of  monthly dream states. I feel whole now, I have my family. I bask eagerly in the unconditional child's love. My new wife shows unrelenting tenderness to my little girl. I feel extremely lucky as our love blossoms continuously and it creates an umbrella large enough to encompass Michelle.

    It becomes increasingly apparent that the structure of Michelle's home life taxes her understanding. She seems so lost to me. I have no influence to help her, I feel so powerless and weak.  My hatred for Michelle's mother grows and she doesn't hesitate to encourage and support my behavior as she pushes my buttons. Poor Michelle suffers at the hands of her mother's and my ferocious differences. Neither of us realize Michelle's slow emotional  withdrawal as we butcher her innocence with our own agenda. Nor do we notice her frustration as self-preservation grows and her shell materializes. This is the moment we both failed as her parents. Our love for her shadowed by our refusal to see beyond our own tattered egos.

  I beam with a glistening reflection on the day of  Michelle's graduation. Her happiness overflows as her mother and I stand side by side. Having waved the white flag of truce, we revel in our daughters accomplishments. Even though placid in nature, we co-exist on this emotional day. This may be the eye of the storm or even the end of it, who knows. Regardless, There is only a peaceful calm in the air, like the first warm day of spring. The fresh clean air tickling our senses and triggering vigorous memories of lives co-operations.

    I am in awe of the strong woman that blossomed from an intimidated young girl. Who could be more proud as the traveling free spirit embraces live with the grip of a lion. I convince myself that these traits surely started with my heritage. I harbor so much respect for a person that can go out and meet life head on. I am temporarily blinded by  her amazing aura as she speaks of her many ventures. What strength it takes to sleep under the stars and travel by whatever means presents itself. Her stories, full of fun and hardship at the same time, lead me to a beaming smile that becomes a mask covering up the realization that there is an emotional wall between us. My defiance begs me not to believe that I was partially responsible for the construction of this shell. My defenses collapse into streaming tears as the truth whips me in the face.

    They say time heals all wounds. I have forgiven myself and Michelle's mother for the years of turmoil but have yet to approach Michelle with my aching heart. We both learned so well how to cover up and use distance for relief now it seems impossible to change. I have always been there for her when circumstances reared an ugly face, but was missing the rest of the time. That must have been emotionally difficult for her. She is such a brave soul, it embarrasses me to feel so distant.

    The clouds spread and the skies shine as Michelle moves home and plans to stay this time. Her news radiates excitement and shortly after, Dorian bursts into our lives. The whole family shudders with the warmth of new life. Barriers are now broken. Michelle takes a step into parenthood and embraces it with the her usual vigor. It is unfortunate that this wonderful little boy's father doesn't have the strength to walk with her. Her years of training comes in handy as she protects her child from the sadness of a broken family. She rally's up all the relatives and encourages a combined effort to shower this child with unconditional love. She demands no barriers as she knows first hand the turmoil of them.

    A simple but hard live style on a mountain in Farmington presents her with the peace and comfort she searched for all those years. Finally a sigh and a chance to rest. Her son, a ball of energy, embraces the life style and easily excels in his relationships with every family member. No one is off limits and everyone has a special place in Dorian's heart. There were enough names to make all of us feel involved (there are so many ways to say grama). His heart is large enough to take us all in and give us the love we crave.

    A huge ray of sunshine appears as Michelle expands her family. Her name is Violet. What a gift she is! She is as much girl as Dorian is boy. How lucky to have contrasting but loving children. Again this father does not possess the strength to head the family and Michelle is forced to be strong and do what needs to be done.
Even under these straining circumstances she encourages an active relationship with him and his family. What an amazing strength this woman has.

    Years pass and Dorian continues to grow up. Excelling at the sport of the moment, he displays his desire for an active life. He experiments with his own little road trips as he eagerly sucks in the thriving world around him. He teases yet protects the little princess he calls his sister. He embraces the role of mentor as he guides her through new experiences. Violet refuses to let life pass by without leaving her mark, it reminds me of her mother.

    Michelle has managed, with great odds, to raise two beautiful loving children. Her every move is shadowed by the welfare of her family. Her love for me has sliced through the shell and begun the erosion process. She finally seems to be stepping past the haunting memories and forgiving her mother and I for our failures. Despite it all, she walks with her head high, rejoicing her many accomplishments.  I am so proud of her and I love her so much!

  MICHELLE'S DAD