I'm Not Fooled by Your Blue Eyes

Stop looking for answers to explain my fears--
How I act is just a facade to mask my pain.
Who said my behavior must reflect my feelings?
You hold the mirror for your own personal gain.
You’re shaping and molding what shouldn’t be changed,
A soul, one who craves mortality.
For I’m trapped in an endless portal of sin,
Slowly succumbing to the sweetness of insanity.
The ability to cope with your torturous rule
Gives the illusion that all is well.
While inside I am scorched by the sensuous licks
Of my self inflicted vision of hell.
A land where no one is ruler but I,
No one to demand a rough embrace.
I need not pretend that I love when I don’t,
Or hide from all men because I see your face.
There is but one chance left for me—
One more strike, then I’m out.
No longer one player on my lonely team;
Blue eyes: is this what love is about?
No! I refuse to accept this emotion!
There is nothing for my heart to feel.
Dehumanized, I realize that I don’t matter,
But I worry that this time it may be real.
After an eternity of running, it is time to walk.
I’m ready to try to explain:
I like this boy, but I can’t let myself go.
For this, it is you that I blame.
Once desperate for affection, starving for love,
I gave you what little I owned.
That simple act of careless abandon
Is the reason I feel so alone.
Regret is not merely a feeling to me—
Reality is based on the act.
I reclaimed my innocence, for times over,
Just to be tempted to give it back.
This stranger brought color into my once meaningless life,
For the first time I questioned your rule.
Should I continue to guard my feelings?
Or will false love prove me a fool?
I tell myself this is merely lust,
But cannot be convinced this is true.
For your ever-present shadow is drifting away,
Drowned in a sea of blue.

~Aubriana Jamese Johnston~
Written 12/13/06