If Only If Only

If Only If Only

"If only, if only the woodpecker sighed." If only, if only is all that she cried. Mary was alone now. No one to tell her she was pretty, or give her a kiss now and then. That time was over...That time was past. She had missed her chance with Mr. Perfect...She had missed her chance at love. If only she could have it back. If only she never made so many mistakes. If only she knew...If only, if only...
She never knew why he left. She never knew what she did. She only knew what she had lost. What she couldn't get back. What didn't want her back. That is what she thought. She never thought that maybe he didn't leave because of her. She never thought that maybe she didn't do anything wrong. She never knew that he left for her. Or at least he thought he did...She never knew...

She thought that she had been the wrong one. She thought that she had done the wrong thing...She thought that it was her. But it wasn't. It wasn't her. She never drove him away. She never made him leave. He drove himself away. He left because...Because he was scared. He loved, Mary, and that scared him. He had never felt for anyone like this before. He had never...loved...

He thought that he was helping her. He thought that he was saving her...He never really thought that. He thought that he was saving himself. Helping himself. But the more he told himself it was for her, the easier it became. Until...Until the message came. A message from Mary. A message, filled with heartache and tears. A message begging him to come back. That was the last thing he wanted. But it was exactly what he needed...

[I]Alan...Why did you leave me, Alan? Why did you hurt me this badly? What did I do? What did I say? Where did I go wrong? I need you back, Alan. I need you here with me....I need you to be with me. I want you to be with me. I will change. I will do anything...I love you, Alan. I love everything about you. I need you in my life, so badly...I love you, Alan...Please, Alan, come back. I can change...Please....Don't stay away from me. Don't do this to me. Come back...I'm sorry, Alan. For what I did. I'm sorry for driving you away. I'm sorry for upsetting you...Come home, please...[/I]

What could he do? What? How could he stay away? How could he tell himself that this was for her? How could he deny his love for her...How could he face her. Why does she want him back? Why does she need him back? After what he did, he doesn't deserve to go back...

"How could he stay away?" Mary asked herself. She didn't know. She couldn't even imagine what she had done. What could she have possibly done to make him leave her? She thought she was being a good girlfriend. But...But Alan thought differently. In Mary's mind at least. She wanted Alan so badly...She needed him so badly. Thoughts about ending it all kept flowing through her mind...Thoughts of not being able to go on. Thoughts that she was nothing without Alan. If only Alan could feel her pain. Maybe he would come back...If only he could see her hurt...If only he could hear her anguish. If only, if only...She kept coming back with if only's.

Maybe if Alan could see her cuts. The ones she was going to give herself...Maybe then he would come back. Maybe then he would realize. Maybe then he would want her. Is that what she needed to do? Cut herself? Is that what would open his eyes? Is that what would make him love her?

Maybe he should go back to her. Maybe he should listen to his heart. He did need her, more than he knew. He only wanted her to be happy. He only wanted her to have someone who could support her. Maybe if he ended it, then she would move on. Maybe if he jumped, she would see that she needs someone else...Would that make her realize that she deserves better? Would that open her eyes? Is that what he needed to do to make her see that she needs someone else?

Yes...Yes was the only thing that went through their mind...

Alan picked up his phone. He wasn't going to stay away from Mary. He was going to call her, he was going to tell her what was in his heart. If only he'd of known what she was doing. If only he'd of made this decision early.
555-3856...He punched in the numbers, not knowing what was happening on the other side. Not knowing what Mary was about to do...Not knowing that she had taken her phone off of the receiver. Not knowing that it was already too late.

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Mary stood in her kitchen, knife against her wrist. She had hoped that Alan would call, but knowing that he wouldn't be able to since she had disconnected the phone. She closed her tear filled eyes and pulled the knife. It was over...She could not live in a life without Alan, and she would not anymore. If only she had known that he was trying to call. If only she had known that he could have saved them both...If only, if only...

Second ending:

Alan picked up the phone. He was going to listen to his heart. He was going to call Mary. He was going to tell her what was on his heart...In his heart...He would tell her that he wanted her...Needed her. If only he wasn't too late. If only he had known what she was thinking. If only he had made this decision early...
555-3856..Alan punched in Mary's number, and waited anxiously. All he could think about is how he wanted to hear her voice. How he needed to hear her voice. How he hoped to hear her voice...He knew that there was only four rings before the answer machine, and after three, he thought she wasn't going to pick up...Alan slowly took the receiver away from his ear and closed his eyes...
"H-hello?" Alan heard before he put the receiver down...Mary's voice. Her sweet, sweet voice.
"Mary, I'm sorry. I do love you...More than anything..."

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And so it ends; the tale of Mary and Alan. Love lost or love reunited, it is your choice in which you would like to believe.