A Change of Heart

A Change of Heart

After years of being on my own, I wanted a committed relationship. The internet provided me with my ideal man. I checked the appropriate boxes and up popped ‘Zac’.

I was swept off my feet by his energy, determination, and optimism. The relationship progressed at a frightening speed which made me nervous but I was impressed by his commitment. I decided to leap too.

After a whirlwind romance of 5 months, we married and moved to Costa Rica to begin life together. We were excited by our ambitious plans, lovingly worked out. I had front money to buy a farm, build a house, secure vehicles, and get started. The agreement was that we would live off Zac’s pension, learn Spanish, and enjoy the good life. With Zac’s help as a veterinarian, I wanted to start a spay/neuter program for street dogs and his project was the rehabilitation of injured parrots. It was romantic idealism at its most charming and our first 8 weeks were bliss..

We fell in love with a gorgeous country but the disorder began to wear on Zac’s nerves. With a touch of paranoia, he thought people were out to cheat us. He fired the architect and began to quarrel with the contractor. I was embarrassed and when I tried to calm his aggression, he accused me of siding with the enemy.

“I’m your husband,” he yelled, “you vowed to stand beside me not them!”

To assuage Zac’s insecurity, I made him an equal partner in the corporation I formed to do business in Costa Rica. I handed over the purse strings thinking he would gain confidence. When overspending concerned me, I asked Zac if we could discuss purchases together. Even though I was paying the bills, he resented my opinions and accused me of lacking confidence in him. To keep peace, I kept a low profile and felt like a second class citizen. Once, I interrupted Zac in a conversation with a friend and he turned on me angrily.

“Are you answering this question or am I?”

Our disagreements escalated into angry outbursts over the most trivial things. I never knew what would set him off and he grew increasingly abusive verbally. When I withdrew, he called me passive aggressive and stupid. When I didn’t remember issues to substantiate his claims against people, he suggested I was getting Alzheimer’s disease. I began to doubt myself in spite of the fact that I am a strong competent woman. It was then that I had a change of heart. You can’t help someone by hurting yourself.

I had never felt so alone or desperate in my entire life. I was in a foreign country where I didn’t speak the language and had no telephone or internet access. The Americans, who lived miles away, were acquaintances not friends. Most of my money was gone and I had only a small pension for support.

When I told him it was over, he took the truck and disappeared for 4 days. Women in the village came with food and worried looks. Finally, when he drove up, he told me he had been with a lively twenty year old. In his back handed, mean way, he said,

“I was with her but I would have preferred being with you, an older woman with varicose veins.”

I found out other things that night much more disturbing than infidelity. He wasn’t honest and hid money. The money was irrelevant; he lied. Without honesty there isn’t a basis for a relationship.

It has been a difficult year but not as stressful as the time we were together. He now owns 60% of the land I bought and a house of his own. I have my self-respect.

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