I Am Not Cool!

The time I have been dreading has finally arrived - I realized I am no longer "cool". This was not an overnight revelation, but rather one that took some time to sink in. It's been a build-up of one little thing after another that finally formed the full thought in my mind. It is not easy for me to admit it, and I'm certainly not comfortable with the thought. I guess I can feel some satisfaction in knowing there was a time, not too long ago, when I was cool. My time in "cooldom", however, is over.

Below is a listing of things which have led me to this sorry state of mind:

I came home from work last night and found my eleven year old daughter typing away at the computer. I stupidly thought she was doing her homework. She was in fact typing an 'IM' to one of her friends. As soon as I stood behind her, she typed "POS" to her friend. Her friend typed back a series of asterisks, but nothing else. Curious as to why she got that response, I asked what "POS" meant. She said, "It means 'parent over shoulder'. Oh! I took this to mean I was an intrusion into the conversation and slowly slunk away like a wounded dog.

My daughter changed the radio station in my car from the "boring" talk radio station to one that plays current music. We listened to whoever it was and I realized that I couldn't understand a word being sung. Thinking it was my forty-something hearing, I turned up the volume. This didn't help. I still couldn't understand what was being said. My daughter just looked at me like I was a dinosaur. There was a time when I knew all of the songs on the radio. Now I have to ask my daughter, "Who's this singing?"

Which leads me to MTV. I tried to watch MTV the other day. First of all, they should change the name of this channel seeing as how they don't even play music anymore. Stupid reality shows play all day long. I want my MTV, but my MTV is the 80's version. In those days I could sit and watch it all day. They played one video after another with a few breaks of "MTV News". I didn't even mind the news segments because they talked about MUSIC. Those were the days!

I used to be able to stay awake way past midnight. Now I end up falling asleep around 9:30-10:00. This has a lot to do with my unusual sleep patterns. Since I wake up around 3:30 ino wonder I fall asleep so early. As for my husband, he thinks I have gone 'old'. "You go to bed early, you wake up early. That's what old people do!" If this is a sign of old-age, well then, I guess I am old!

I bought a great-looking pair of shoes on sale and couldn't wait to wear them. They have a three-inch heal with a pointed toe. This, in my younger days, wouldn't bother me in the least. However, that was before my bunions became an issue. I wore these shoes all day, and paid for it dearly. My bunions ached all night. I mean 'wake me up in the middle of the night' ache too. I now call them my "Bunion Busters" because they target that area of my foot. By the way, I still wear them, I just know my bunions will ache. There's no way I wouldn't wear them! (You know what I mean!)

Because my bunions ache so much, I made an appointment with the Podiatrist. I sat in the waiting room patiently waiting for them to call my name. When I looked up from the magazine I was trying to read (I wasn't wearing my glasses!) I saw a roomful of senior citizens. I was the youngest person there.

And speaking of my glasses, I now wear the dreaded "bifocals". They are a recent addition to 'my look'. Getting used to them is not easy either. I find myself constantly tilting my head up and down so I can choose the 'right' lens. My daughter will give me some kind of notice that she received in school and expects me to read it without my glasses. I can no longer read anything without my glasses, let alone a notice from her school. I hear my mother's words coming out of my mouth, "Read it to me. I don't have my glasses."

I watch everything I eat. I mean everything! I used to be a junk food addict. I would sit in front of the TV with a huge bag of potato chips. I could eat the whole bag without a care because I wouldn't gain any weight. Now, I couldn't tell you the last time I ate a potato chip. I don't even buy them because I know I have no control over myself when it comes to them. Eating them would immediately put ten pounds on me. When I walk down the snack aisle of my supermarket, I can actually hear my favorite brand of chips calling my name. "Buy me! Eat me!", they call to me. I can't even look at them without a tear forming in my eye. My old friends!

Every hair appointment involves getting my hair colored. Whatever happened to the days when I would get my hair colored just for the hell of it? Coloring my hair is no longer a "just because" thing. It has now become a necessity. Without it, I would be completely grey-haired, and with the bifocals that would just be unacceptable to me. It just doesn't fit in with my self-image.

Hopefully, you do not see yourself in any of these items. If you do, I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but, you are no longer "cool". Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Try not to mourn your loss of "cool" too long, and remember, you have my sympathy.