Sad Thoughts Will Make an End of You

I was wandering today trying to get lost. You had screamed in anger and told me I was a useless husband to you, an even worse father to our children, and that sad thoughts would make an end of me - and you too. You had told me to “go and get lost” and also you told me “never come back again”. So I left.

I found myself in familiar streets and no matter how hard I tried I could not get lost. I tried walking with my eyes closed but people tried to help me and small children moved out of my way. No one would let me wander across the road unless the sign was green as they thought I didn’t know the rule.

Then I sat in the park for hours trying to clear my mind of all thoughts. I did not have money for drink. I felt something welling up inside and realised that this was the feeling that people have when they are about to cry from the bottom of their soul. No tears came. How did you do this to me from so far away? I tried my best after this to get lost.

I redoubled my effort. I was determined to get really lost. I looked in the supermarket for a while as I had heard you could get lost there in a song once. No such luck. I wandered around in a circle and followed someone who looked lost for an hour until we became good friends and parted with a hug. They had been looking for a cat that had found its way home. This was failing to get lost miserably.

I was filmed for a bit by a film crew who wanted to make a film of me getting lost as they had heard I was really going for it. I redoubled my lost getting effort again and maybe quadrupled it. I forced my will to focus on the primary getting lost output area. Leaving my clothes carefully folded, for the benefit of the insurance investigators, I swam manfully out to sea but the waves pushed me back to shore before I felt the remotest bit lost. In fact I started thinking of the sea connecting all things and these were definitely not thoughts to get lost by. I failed to get lost despite thinking very creatively about the whole subject of getting lost in great depth. I can tell you that I know a thing or two about the theory of getting lost. We had Taco Rice and slapped each other on the back over a beer or two on expenses. They told me I had to get lost as time was money and they had a schedule to keep. However, shaking my head, I told them I couldn’t do it when I tried too hard so they lost interest and filmed each other for fun instead.

I asked an old woman how to get lost and she told me that it was easier the older you got but harder to get completely lost before my time. I met a long-haired traveller who looked lost but insisted that he knew where he was going and asked if I’d like to take some with me and get wasted instead. I told him I was trying to lose myself and he gave me some helpful advice he had picked up in Thailand. I saw some young men with short hair, dead eyes, and angry faces under a bridge, that chased the long-haired man and beat him. When I tried to help him they told me to get lost or else. I thought they looked more lost than most. I found a policewoman and told her about men in black in a black van and the long-haired man but she just laughed and told me to mind my own business and get lost.

I asked some fashionably dressed college girls how to get lost but they misunderstood me and asked me to join them for a party. I told them I was too busy getting lost. “Your loss” they said and giggled hysterically at the play on words. I asked some bikers but they did not understand what getting lost had to do with anything and revved their bikes to impress the college girls who giggled even more until it seemed as if they were screaming at the bikers – or was it the bikes? I watched as they rode away.

I stood on the edge of a high building but nothing happened for a long time. I looked down at those looking up and eventually I got tired and came down and the crowd got bored and went away. However, I had learned that the clouds knew where they needed to go and the birds were flying without looking in the least bit lost.

I meditated cross-legged, stood on my head, tried yoga positions, fell over, fell asleep, but still I could not lose myself no matter what I did. Perhaps the secret was not to try to get lost but rather to let go of my desire to do so. I tried this but found it was hard not to desire anything because there were those in the world who needed me. I needed them too, and missed them so much, and wanted to be with them, and of course this was a desire. So I returned home and saw in your eyes that you had forgiven me for being useless. And despite my failure to get lost you opened your arms and whispered with love, that you thought you had lost me and that you loved me with all your heart, and I knew that getting lost was as easy as finding you.