Things I NEVER Ask My Husband To Do!

At the mall, I couldn't help but notice men sitting on benches, waiting patiently for their wives, girlfriends or whoever. Cobwebs hung from many of them. Their eyes were glazed over with the look of boredom, or that "I'd rather be somewhere else" look.

Some of the poor souls were actually holding (gasp!) purses.

This got me to thinking about things that I would never, I mean never, ask my husband to do. I made a list and this is what I came up with:

I would never ask my husband to hold my purse while I shopped. First of all, he would look completely ridiculous. I mean the man's six foot six and weighs 280. Also, I doubt that I have a purse that would match his 'duck-colored' Carhartt coat.

I wouldn't ask my husband to buy feminine hygiene products. It would be embarrassing for him and he wouldn't buy the right thing. I imagine him dashing down "that" aisle, grabbing whatever he could, and glancing nervously over his shoulder to make sure the coast was clear as he made his getaway.

I never ask my husband to fold my laundry. I have this "thing" about my panties being folded just right. Amusing as it is watching him trying to fold a thong, my anal retentive nature becomes impatient with his lack of folding skills.

I never ask my husband to go to any doctor appointments with me. I don't ask because he plays with everything. He opens drawers, picks up the instruments and plays with them, and basically, can't sit still. It's like having a 280 lb. toddler with me. His companionship during doctor appointments isn't worth the headache, stress or aggravation.

I never ask my husband to write any kind of letter, email, or greeting card. My husband has terrible handwriting and his spelling isn't the best either. I remember once he called me at work to ask, "How do you spell 'shelves'?" After picking myself up off the floor, I told him our, then, 7 year old daughter could spell that word. To prove my point, that night at dinner I asked her to spell it - and she did. (To this day, whenever my now eleven year old daughter gets into an argument with him, her final words are, "At least I can spell shelves!")

I never ask my husband to go grocery shopping with me. He walks through the store and looks at things like he's never been in a supermarket. I swear it's like he's a prospector who came down from the mountains to buy his monthly provisions. Once when I took him with me, I asked him to get frozen peas. Off he went to find the frozen vegetable aisle. He was gone so long I began to think he got lost, or abducted. As I walked to the frozen vegetable aisle I wondered if there was an Amber Alert for lost husbands. Then I saw him staring intently at the frozen peas.

There was a covering of frost on his bewildered face.

"I don't know which ones to buy. "These" (holding up a bag of frozen peas) are on sale, but then again, these (holding up another bag of frozen peas) are Birds Eye, but they're not on sale." That's what was taking him so long.

That is my list - so far. I know it is far from finished as I keep thinking of things that I need to add. Just consider this a "work in progress" - much like my husband!