Living with Bulimia.

When I first realised the truth behind my issues surrounding food, I realised that they weren't actually about food at all.

I suppose I was about 8 or 9 when people around me began making my shape an issue. My parents used to gather people around to ask me to demonstrate my 'Hamburger'. This was my pre-pubescent rolls of puppy fat that would appear if I sat down and rolled forward. Never any other time but it used to be a frequent occurence at family gatherings. I would subsequently have this fascination with food. Well....not so much food but eating. If we used to go out for meals, I would always go to the toliet halfway through the meal, stay in there for ages until my meal would be too cold to eat. Sometimes, my parents would heat my meal up, or order me something else, or even create an arguement resulting in my ending the night in tears.

As I got older, I had boyfriends and there would always be an element of comfort eating involved. Out of sadness, or happiness, or loneliness.
I remember one night, I was with a boyfriend and he moved my very small tummy during an intimate moment. That was THE point of no return.

I have never liked the term 'bulimic' as I don't feel it describes the entire issue. I am not someone who simply binges and purges. I have so much more of a relationship with food than that. My day can generally be consumed with planning my meals, deciding to not eat, planning what clothes I can wear, thinking 'thin' and feeling nothing but shame when I can feel the skin under my chin touch my chest. Nothing but disgust when I feel my stomach, and wish desperately that it was smaller, smoother, flatter. I am also under no illusion that I am an unwell individual. Both physically and emotionally. I know that this is a difficult subject for some people to read. But I am not writing this to shock people, or to make people feel sorry for me. I just want others to feel that they can talk about how they feel, how they want to feel and about how difficult it is going from one day to the next having this huge burden.

I want to be able to go out for a meal with friends and not have to worry about whether people are going to be watching what I eat, and thinking that it's no wonder I'm big if I keep eating what I do eat.

The irony is that when I do eat something, it is not always fruit, vegetables and brown rice etc. It is quite often bread, cheese, crisps, anything. It is not the stereotypical thing to be thin either. A great many people with this eating disorder are not skinny. It is not a weightloss plan, but a maintenance one. A method of pure survival using the one thing we can control. What goes in to our bodies.

So in brief, life is tough at times, but without the constant planning, lying, hiding, and general chaos, my life would be much, much worse.

This way.....I am in control. And I can control my future health.

And I will.